After Dark
by wassernixlein
Summary: Three years after the Cullens left, Emmett stumbles over his little human sister. And he doesn't like what he sees... AU, Canon Couples. Rated M for violence, underage drinking, self-inflicted injuries. 1st FanFic.
1. Chapter 1 Distraction

A/N: This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech. And it's been a while since I have written any stories. But I am capable of learning if you help me ;-)

**I don't own Twilight *sob*.**

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**Chapter 1 – (Distraction) – Emmett's POV**

I stared at the cracks in the wall of the classroom. There were many cracks – although the humans in this room couldn't see them. Only my perfect eyes were able to detect the fine lines. And I welcomed them for distraction, imagining patterns or figures. What else should I do besides staring out of the window? I already new all the answers on the sheet lying in front of me on my table. It would take me about four minutes to write them down. But it would make her suspicious if I handed in after a few minutes while all my classmates needed almost an hour. So I kept playing the charade and pretended to be thinking about the answers for my exam. Sighing now and then, tapping my fingers on the table and scribbling something down while the professor glanced over her freightened students, smiling contentedly. Good marks won't come easy this time. She made sure of that. Well, at least not for them.

At times like these, I envied what my brothers and sisters were able to do. Especially Edward. But he never seemed to understand. Instead, he got angry every time I dared to mention it after another couple of long boring hours of exams. _You think it's funny sitting in class for hours while twenty different minds are constantly whining about how difficult the exam is? How mean the teacher, asking about stuff that's not in the book? You know it's funny knowing their regrets that they were watching TV, going out or getting laid the night before instead of studying? You think it's funny listening to the constant pleas for a good mark? Listening to their worries about what would happen if they fail? How their parents will react? What the consequences will be? That they won't get the new car for Christmas if they don't get an A?_ Sometimes, he couldn't stop himself for several minutes. He hated his gift at such days and the fact he wasn't always able to tune all voices out (while he fucking didn't mind his gift at all during playing chess or poker with us).

I got his point. Somehow. He used to say that humans wallowed in self-pity, vulgar predictability and anger instead of concentrating on their task and succeeding. That they were thinking all the time they were not beautiful, not tall, not intelligent, not cool or strong enough; always complaining about every little thing, about every injustice that happened to them instead doing something to change it. That they didn't appreciate their life and their privileges of being human, that they didn't appreciate the love of their families and friends. That they just wanted to be better and cooler and more beautiful while having more money, the faster car and the bigger house than everyone else. That they constantly tried to trick other people. But I knew better.

I knew it bothered him that he had to see and hear stuff that people shouldn't know about. Stuff that people wanted to keep for themselves and no one else. And by that I didn't mean remembering what I did with Rose last night or Jaspers constant thinking of Alice kissing and caressing him. Or the thoughts of my pretty Rosalie getting dressed in front of her mirror (which was fine by me because she was the most beautiful person that existed in this world. I wouldn't mind watching her getting dressed and admiring herself; staring at her amazing half-naked silhouette in the mirror). Or Alice's excitement about going shopping later and deciding for hours what she should be wearing. He didn't only see and hear a lot about vanity and wicked or vulgar minds. Or sex. Because people were constantly thinking of sex (I knew that from experience. Ok, quite understandable while he was annoyed with that. He never had any sexual stuff going on in his life. But most girls around him were thinking about doing nasty stuff to HIM anyway, not doing it to someone else. So that couldn't be so bad?).

He also knew a lot about pain, misery and suffering. I had even witnessed some of these tragedies. Like the one about the skinny blonde girl who was thinking of committing suicide during Biology a few years ago. Edward had to hear her thoughts how she wanted to do it and when and where for over almost two hours. And he could see how she imagined cutting her wrists in her bathtub at home later this evening; watching the blood dripping onto the surface of the warm water until she felt dizzy. How her parents would find her and sob over her lifeless body. How her ex-boyfriend would blame himself because he cheated on her. And although Edward felt sorry for this girl wanting to end her life, he almost couldn't stop himself from attacking because she was imagining her oozing blood in living and beautiful shades of red. Which made him fucking thirsty like hell and almost losing control. She was lucky we all went hunting a few days before and Jasper wasn't in school that day. Who knows if he could have handled her pain and Edward's inner turmoil and thirsty excitement while sitting in the same classroom. Alice did a great job taking her outside during lunch and talking her into seeing a therapist the same day. Carlisle made sure she got all the help she needed.

Of course, that was a bad experience. And there were many others, I was sure about that. But still. How I wished I had the gift of mind reading right now. Just being able to tune in and listenting to meaningless chatter for half an hour. Like adjusting a radio. Even if there were only whining or vulgar thoughts – actually, I didn't care about the vulgar ones; I guess I would pretty much enjoy them. And if I couldn't have Edward's gift for the next few hours, than at least the one of my other brother. It would be fucking funny playing with Jaspers ability during the exam. Just messing around a bit with the anxiety in this classroom. Throwing a bit of love and lust on everyone and watching a good amount of funny human behavior. That's kinda mean, I know. But it would be better than sitting here and thinking of her all the time.

Thinking of her pale skin and lovely blush when she felt embarassed – which happened a lot. Of her mahogany hair and chocolate brown eyes. The subtle hint of freesia and strawberrys. Her small pink pout when she didn't get what she wanted. How she bit her bottom lip while thinking or reading or writing – yeah, she bit her lip a lot. And she stumbled a lot. She was fun and pretty – and she wasn't afraid of us. Hell, she even wanted to be one of us. She was just adorable. And she loved him. Despite all the differences, difficulties and dangerous situations they came across. She would have given up everything, even her own family, to join us and spend eternity with him. And he just fucking destroyed everything. She gave him her love, her heart, and he just took it and crushed it. He destroyed her life, his "life" (whatever that was he had before he met her) and our family.

I sighed again. How I missed my little human sister. I definitely needed more distraction. This one wasn't working. I took the wrong subject again.

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Later that evening, I went hunting. Not because it was necessary. Hunting was my way to deal with stress. It occupied my senses and my brain for a while. Of course, I couldn't hunt all night. So eventually, the thoughts infiltrating my brain all day came back. And lately, I even had some difficulties not to think about this disaster while hunting. I shuddered at the thought that I was becoming like Edward.

In my family, I have always been "the funny one". Edward was the brooding type, musically talented and able to read minds. Alice was the chirping pixie; always happy, cheerful and enthusiastic and blessed with visions. Carlisle was the intelligent one with a strong power to resist human blood. A loving father, guiding and helping us and everyone else who needed advice. Esme was our loving mother who just wanted us to be happy, no matter what stupid choice we made. Creative and patient. Jasper was the Empath, a good listener, having the skills of sensing and adjusting emotions, and my Rose was the stunning beauty. Sexy as hell and dangerous. Able to pimp and repair every ride and giving you shit if you deserved it. She always would say what was on her mind. But under her guy attitude, she was adorable and a caring person. I loved her. I would have died for her (although this task was quite difficult in my current state).

I was just the funny big brother guy. Protective, but playing pranks on every family member now and then to cheer the others (and myself, of course) up. But it wasn't working anymore. I was becoming brooding and depressed like Edward. I fucking didn't like it. But there was a reason why I had become like that.

Things at home were really bad. We avoided each other. We didn't talk anymore. What was there to talk about? School? We weren't going to school anymore. Carlisle's work at the hospital? Too many memories of humans in need of a doctor involved. Especially ONE human. We couldn't handle our problems anymore nor talk about it – like we were some clueless mortals. It was fucking pathetic after all we've been trough together, after all our years of experience with life and death and at the same time it was not. Everything seemed so insignificant suddenly after losing a potential family member and seeing each other suffering because of it. And suffering a bit more because everyone was so unhappy of witnessing everyone else's suffering.

We wouldn't talk about Bella or Edward or Forks or anything that reminded us of the disastrous event three years ago. Especially not Bella. Just be careful about avoiding the fucking b-word. It didn't even matter if Edward was around or not. Because if we used the b-word, one thing let to another. And by that I don't mean harmless verbally fighting. It usually ended in one or two family members leaving for a few days. So we shut our mouths and suffered in silence while everyone blamed himself for the familial unhappiness. Especially Jasper and Alice.

He was the one who had attacked a family member and she didn't see it coming. She didn't foresee the papercut, Jaspers attack, Edward's decision to leave her behind. So Alice and Jasper blamed themselves while they tried to convince each other it wasn't the other's fault. It was fucking ridiculous, but they couldn't stop and were fighting a lot. Which left us others helpless behind. Alice's feelings of guilt even affected her abilty. Sometimes she didn't get any visions for days. Which made her even more unhappy because she was frantically trying to protect us from any further danger and losses. At times like these, Jasper would disappear for days, sometimes even weeks. He couldn't handle the tension and unhappiness anymore, especially the immense feeling of guilt in his soulmate. So he went away without even leaving a message. If he left Alice behind, she stayed in her room sobbing all day, trying to get a vision of Jasper, hoping he was alright. And because of that, Esme hid in her room for hours until she came out again and started cleaning the house, assuring us she was fine. Which was a fucking lie, considering we all had excellent hearing. During these days, I was wondering how Jasper could stand all these emotions and why he even bothered coming back instead of taking Alice with him for good. Our family was a mess.

I was trying constantly to make everyone happy again. I was the funny guy, it was my duty. I tried – and failed miserably. So I decided to leave for some distraction and did what I did best (beside hunting and playing pranks) for the last couple of years – attending school. On the other side of the world, without my family around me.

Of course, Carlisle wasn't happy about my choice. He thought living like a nomad would draw more attention to our family; that it would need more precautions than I was taking. And of course he would miss me – although he never mentioned it. He only tried to make me feel guilty about leaving, pointing Esme was worrying a lot about us instead of admitting he was scared like hell our family was falling apart.

I fucking didn't care. I needed distraction. Distraction was nice. So I kept moving and immatriculating every semester, changing Universities, time zones, subjects and CV's every time. No fucking way I would attend Highschool again. Highschool reminded me of Bella. And I didn't want to stay at a place for long anyway, it didn't matter anymore. I didn't even care about my subjects. Everything was fine as long it helped me with my need for distraction. It didn't matter if it was Physics, Psychology, History, Engineering or Roman Languages. Or if the combination of my subjects made sense. Because I wouldn't be there long enough to graduate anyway.

Of course, there were a few problems now and then. I quit English Literature as soon as our teacher started discussing Jane Austen. And music wasn't really helpful either. It reminded me of our piano waiting at home. Nobody was playing on it for the last couple of months. If my mother wasn't cleaning all the time to distract herself, the piano would have already disappeared under a pile of dust.

I thought about taking a few classes in medicine, to have something to talk about with Carlisle whenever it was time again to visit the rest of the family. I even took Fashion Design for two semesters for Alice. I hated shopping and fashion itself (except the fabric clung nice and smooth to my Rose), but I would do everything to cheer my sister up and to ease her feelings of guilt. But it still wasn't working. The distraction wasn't working. Being around humans wasn't fun anymore. But I kept doing my task. What else was there to do; staying home and watching our family falling apart?

Rose did accompany me now and then so we wouldn't be separated for too long. She was the only one I could stand for more than just a few days around me without starting a fight. Mostly, I was an exchange student from a country far away; sometimes married or engaged, sometimes she was my lover or sister visiting for a month, so no one would get suspicious why I wasn't living on campus or why she stayed at my place all the time. But in fact, people didn't really care. They didn't pay any attention. Because they didn't even dare to look at me. No wonder. I was angry and dangerous like hell. If anger itself was visible, it would have been radiating in waves off of me. I was wondering how long it would take until I would finally snap and kill my brother for the shit he had done to our family.

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Reviews are better than Emmett feeling guilty.

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Coming up next: Bella's POV

**Preview:  
**Forks was a small town. And I knew that small towns didn't easily forget small scandals like the chief's daughter getting lost in the woods to kill herself because she couldn't live without the boy she only dated for a few months. It didn't forget the chief's daughter in a catatonic and depressed state for weeks until she made another attempt for suicide. It didn't forget that this poor girl was into drugs and alcohol and tended to cut herself. That she refused to eat. A lot of rumours were spread. I felt bad for Charlie. So I decided to ease his pain by "moving on".


	2. Chapter 2 Loud and Silent Suffering

This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV.**  
I was angry and dangerous like hell. If anger itself was visible, it would have been radiating in waves off of me. I was wondering how long it would take until I would finally snap and kill my brother for the shit he had done to our family.

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**Chapter 2 – (Loud and Silent Suffering) – Bella's POV**

Whenever I was "home" for a few days, I turned into a different person. Sometimes, I felt like I had two personalities and wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me or if I just had become a professional liar? Back in Forks, I was a sweet, friendly girl and a great, caring daughter and friend. I would cook dinner for Charlie as I used to when I was still living with him. I would visit Jacob and spend time with him in the garage, watching him fixing a bike or a car. I would talk a lot about my job in the library, about college and my interesting classes, about writing for the school paper, about living on campus or going out with friends. I would ask Charlie questions about his job, his work buddies, about my old classmates in Forks High, about his fishing trips and about life in Forks in general. I would ask Jacob about Billy, La Push and Jacob's future plans. I would discuss my future plans.

But there were no plans.

I wouldn't show anyone how it hurt to be home. How everything back here reminded me of HIM. The rain. The woods. My room. Charlie's kitchen. How I had trouble breathing when I lay awake at night, the window wide open. How I thought I could still smell him on me, no matter how many times I had washed my sheets, blankets and pillows. How I it seemed I could still feel him as if he were right next to me, watching over me as I was struggling not to fall asleep.

Whenever I came back from such a visit to Forks, I was sitting on my bed for hours, not able to move, not able to unpack my stuff. Staring at the walls, I felt so guilty about lying constantly to Charlie, to Renee, to Jacob, to everyone. Lying about the classes I had skipped for weeks. About the exams I had failed. About my room on campus I had given up to live in this crappy appartement near the red-light district. About the tuition fees I hadn't paid; about the fact I had definitely quit college. That I didn't hand out books in the library or write articles for the school paper, but was serving cocktails in a bar of questionable reputation. That I didn't have any friends, only a few work buddies I knew Charlie wouldn't like at all – because although they were really friendly to me and helpful, most of them also had a questionable reputation.

If I would tell Charlie the truth behind all these lies, he would have an aneurysm. Or a heart attack. Or both. Maybe he would yell at me for throwing my life away. Maybe he would sent me to Boot Camp. Or back to Renee. Maybe he would start mourning about the money and time he wasted on me; even regret that he had let me live with him. Or he would feel guilty that he wasn't able to raise his daughter properly. More likely, he would be ashamed about his once intelligent daughter with a bright future ahead, who was sitting all day in her dark room in her crappy apartment, staring at the walls, serving drinks every night in a crappy bar because she couldn't and didn't want to sleep anyway. Or maybe he would just look at me with pity in his eyes. As if I needed that again.

If I would tell Renee, she would call Charlie. If I would tell Jacob, he would probably tell Billy who would tell Charlie. If I would tell Angela, she maybe would tell her mom, who would tell Charlie. Either way, I would give my Dad a heart attack. Or an aneurysm.

Anyway, Renee had a totally different life now. She was even thinking of having another baby with Phil. She was still quite young and they could afford it. She was quite excited about it. I didn't want Jacob to feel bad. I had hurt him enough. And Angela… we weren't that close anymore. A few text messages, emails and phone calls every year. I didn't want to bother them.

What was there to tell Charlie, anyway? That I was unhappy? That I haven't moved on at all, that it was worse than before? That the time I had spent with my therapist had been fruitless? That I was on the verge on a breakdown, but he shouldn't worry about it? That I broke out in tears several times a day for no apparent reason? That I had nightmares and was afraid to sleep? Either way, I couldn't tell him. I couldn't rob him from his illusion that I got over it. That he had helped me getting over it. I couldn't risk that people started talking again behind his back. He had suffered enough.

Back then, three years ago, before the "incident", I had felt like I had so much ahead of me, so many opportunities. I was a smart person. I had a boyfriend who loved me. I had a family and siblings who loved me. I had the possibility to go to college if I just worked hard enough. There were people who liked me. There was this possibility to live with the love of my life forever. And I mean, FOREVER.

Now, I had nothing. I had a crappy room with crappy furniture and a crappy job, a few scars on my skin, a big hole in my heart. He had ruined my future. I had ruined my future. I had no will to change my life, but also no will to end it. So I just suffered through it and refused to tell anyone how unhappy, scared and broken I was.

After the "incident", I stayed home, crying all day. I didn't eat or drink, and I didn't move. I just stayed in my bed, curled up and crying my heart out. Charlie tried everything to cheer me up and to soothe me, but it didn't work. It hurt so much. In his misery, he even called Renee to take me back to Florida. I refused to go. It was a very unpleasant moment.

After another week, I had recovered somewhat. Or so I thought. I felt strong and confident again, full of energy and excited while planning my next steps. I went back to school and everything was back to normal. Charlie was happy to no end. But of course I didn't tell him about my plans.

I wanted to get my lover and soulmate back. I wanted to get my family back. I wanted to get my friend Alice back. I wanted a confrontation. I longed for an explanation. Or at least an apology. I wanted to know them how I felt, how I was falling apart. They should see what they had done to me. They should feel guilty. They should feel sorry. I was angry. And I was determined. So I decided to track them down.

First, I did hours of research on the internet every night. But I never came across anything. They had changed their cell phones, and I didn't know how to contact them. None of the Cullens had a profile on any of the social network sites. _Of course not._ That would have been too easy. It was even stupid to think about this possibility, but I had to check. There were no school records from Alice, there were no graduation pictures of Jasper, no proofs that Edward had ever attended medical school, no journal articles from the famous Dr Cullen. I couldn't find any pictures of the Cullens in the copies of the year books I retrieved online. There was no wedding announcement of Emmett and Rosalie in the local papers. There wasn't even a sign that Cullen siblings had ever been enrolled at Forks High or that the Cullens had ever lived in Forks. Nothing.

Then, I risked getting arrested and putting shame on Charlie for the rest of his life by hacking the computer in his office at the police station and the one at the municipal administration of Forks. But there was just this big nothing. No copies of Edwards driving license. No applications for any visa or a new passport although they were travelling all the time. No affirmations Esme had paid their taxes properly. I couldn't find anything to get a hold of them. Not even a speeding or parking ticket. No phone number. No address. Their entire fake "human" existence had vanished. It seemed as if they never had existed.

Of course, my resources were limited. I had no access to any other motor vehicle or public schools databases than the one for Forks. And I was quite sure they had already left the state of Washington, maybe even the country. Maybe they even had changed their names?

After hours of fruitless research I was so desperate I started calling hospitals in the area of Washington randomly, asking for any Dr Cullen. I moved on to Oregon, then to Alaska. I even checked private clinics and psychiatric facilities. Still no sign of Carlisle. I searched for information on the homepages of every University with a department or institute for Medicine. Maybe he was teaching somewhere? I checked the phone books for a Cullen, MD. Nothing.

Every day, my panic was growing that I wouldn't find them. My chances were getting slimmer the more time passed by without a trace. I had no pictures. No letters, no postcards. Nothing. I would start to forget how they looked like. How they smelled. How Edward's cool skin felt on mine. How Alice jumped up and down when she was excited. I didn't want to forget. I was so despaired I even considered travelling to Volterra and find the Volturi. Carlisle had lived with them for years. Maybe they knew how to contact him? Edward had told me there were "rules" to obey. If I threatened them to tell someone I knew about vampires, maybe they would agree to turn me? But besides the fact I didn't have enough money for a trip to Italy, I didn't know anything about the Volturi and how to find them. All my attempts to find a trace how to get in contact with the Volturi was as fruitless as my research on the Cullens.

In the end, it didn't matter if I was human or immortal, if the Volturi would help me to find them, if I would find them on my own. It didn't change the fact that Edward didn't love me. After a few weeks, I couldn't deny this fact anymore, although it was nagging me in my subconscious all the time. First, I had denied it. I had some serious research to do. I had classes to attend. I had to take care of Charlie. But it kept nagging. Then, I had to accept it. They didn't want to be found. They would not come back. He would not come back. Edward didn't love me.

At first, I got angry. How could he have done this to me? First, he pretended to be in love with me. He saved my life. He seemed to care about me. He made me fall in love with him. He let me meet his family. He gave me kisses, and love, and presents. Then he left and robbed me of my best friend, my family, my future and the love of my life. He took his kisses, his love, his presents and my life with him. He left me nothing than a few memories. Memories that were fading away really fast. Everyone was talking behind my back. Charlie worried about me all the time. I couldn't do anything without people watching me careful. I had lost all my interests in music, books, watching TV with my dad, a friendship with Jacob and classmates. And I couldn't even punish HIM for doing that to me. I couldn't yell at him, I couldn't shout at him, I couldn't hit or punch him. I couldn't show him my anger. I couldn't even write a goodbye letter to him because I had no address to send it to. I couldn't tell him about my anger. So, I punished myself for my stupidity of falling in love with him. It didn't help.

After that, I was sad. I cried a lot. It hurt so much. I didn't know what to do. Then, I got numb.

I went back to my zombie state and stayed like this for weeks. I just lay there on my bed, curled in a ball of pain. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to drink. I didn't even cry. I didn't want to do anything than just die or disappear already.

A lot of people kept visiting Charlie during these weeks, bringing dinner as an excuse to ask about me and how Charlie was holding up. Most of them really were concerned, especially Billy, Jacob, and a few of Charlie's friends from work. Billy and Harry Clearwater came often; sometimes several times a week. I could hear the faint whispering of the TV; they used to watch the games together. But I could never hear them yelling or shouting or clapping. They were just watching. They were just sitting with my dad to spend some time with him.

Jacob came to spend time with me. It was embarassing, but sweet.

Jacob just sat there in my room on the floor, giving me some company while I lay there, unmoving, staring at the wall behind him. He never asked anything. He never tried to give me advice; he never forced me out of my bed. He never told me I should forget this stupid guy, get over it and find someone new. And I could never see any sign of pity in his eyes. He just told me about his day and what was going on in Forks, what rumours he heard about me – he found them quite amusing – which car was in his garage to be fixed, which car he planned to fix next. It was really sweet and I felt guilty I couldn't thank him for trying, that I couldn't be a friend like he deserved it.

Others just wanted to peep at me and my strange behaviour. They wanted to see my scars. As if it was possible to see a broken heart. They kept giving Charlie advice what to do, arguing about hospitalizing me. They shared all their knowledge of depression, self-inflicted injuries and drugs with him. And they didn't even try to do this quietly so I wouldn't hear them. Charlie didn't talk much. He didn't argue. He just said thank you and goodbye. He didn't want to send me away. He was just worried. He wanted to take care of me until I got better, like a father should do.

But I wasn't getting better. I wouldn't get better. Charlie was worrying all day about me, sometimes not even able to show up for work. He had trouble sleeping – I knew, because I wasn't sleeping, either. I was afraid of the nightmares. And I was scared for Charlie. He looked unhealthy and pale. He drank too much beer. He didn't go fishing with Billy anymore, refusing to leave me alone for a few hours, even if Jacob assured him to stay with and watch over me.

Forks was a small town. And I knew that small towns didn't easily forget small scandals like the chief's daughter trying to kill herself because she couldn't live without the boy she only dated for a few months. It didn't forget the day they had organized a search party for me, the same day Sam Uley found me lying in the woods, unable to move and looking like a corpse. It didn't forget the chief's daughter in a catatonic and depressed state for weeks until she made another attempt for suicide. It didn't forget that this poor girl was into drugs and alcohol and cut herself. That she refused to eat.

According to Jacob, a lot of rumours were spread about me, and I had this feeling it was partially Jessica's and Lauren's and their family's fault. But I didn't care. And I didn't feel a need to explain anything to anyone. I only felt bad for Charlie. So I decided to ease his pain by "moving on".

I pretended to get better. I went back to school. I started cooking again and doing laundry. (Well, actually, I threw my misery into a massive cleaning, repairing, redecorating and cooking frenzy every day after school, but Charlie didn't dare to tell me to stop.) I got rid of all blue tops in my wardrobe, but dressed myself in all other happy colors, even when I felt black inside. I put make up on my face to hide the shadows under my eyes and my pale skin. I tried to gain some weight back. I stayed awake at night and took naps during lunch time in the school library so Charlie didn't have to hear my screams and worry about me. I forced myself to smile when I could feel the presence of other people's eyes on me. I dyed my hair, changed my shampoo, tried out new clothes and looks and spent hours on the phone with Angela like any other average girl of my age. I spent time with Jacob in La Push. We repaired some motorcycles and he taught me how to drive it. I did some stupid things like cliff diving, more alcohol and more drugs. I talked to Angela, Jessica, Mike, Ben and Eric at school. I even went out with them, going to the movies, to a party or doing some shopping. I had some unpleasant encounters with other vampires, some scary adventures with wolves and some romantic moments with Jacob. I finally finished high school with quite good marks, considering I had missed lots of classes and was still feeling like a zombie inside.

I thought I had managed quite well under these circumstances. I felt almost proud of myself, although I would never admit it. But Charlie was waiting for me to "really" move on. He wanted me to be happy – or at least, not to be miserable. He cared about my future. He expected me to go to college. To move away from Forks and start over. He thought I had a better chance by getting out here. Even if that meant I would leave him again.

At first, I couldn't let myself leave. I found many reasons to stay. I told Charlie I wanted to take a gap year to earn some money at Newton's Outfitters for travelling around the world or at least to visit Europe. That I had to save some money for college, too. That the Newton's needed me in the store. That I would stay until Jacob finished high school at the reservation so we could travel together. That someone needed to take care of Charlie. The longer I stayed, the more difficulties I had to come up with a reason to stay here Charlie would understand.

I guess I was secretly still waiting for THEM to return. I had to stay here in Forks, to know that he had existed. That they still existed. I stayed hours at the meadow. I imagined all of them at my feet, begging for forgiveness. I went to their deserted house to check if someone had come back and was living there unnoticed. Deep inside I already knew this wasn't going to happen. But everytime I found the house empty and the meadow without Edward, I was disappointed. And I was angry with myself that there was still hope in me that could be crushed.

Even if there was no trace of the Cullens, I knew I wouldn't forget them. I wouldn't get over it. I couldn't get over it. No matter if I stayed here or somewhere else.

Sometimes, I felt that Charlie knew what I was waiting for. But he never said anything. He just had this look on his face when he tried to talk me into going to college now and not to worry about the money. He promised me to give me some money to travel around Europe if I had succeeded my first year. He begged me not to wait too long with the application process. He tried to convince me it was a pity to ruin any chances for a good education. He told me I shouldn't put my life on hold like he had so many years ago. His look was killing me. After a few weeks, I decided to get the hell out of here. I couldn't stand his sad and pitying eyes any longer.

I got finally accepted for a scholarship in English Literature and moved. Charlie was happy. Renee was happy. Jacob was a bit sad, although he tried not to show it and to be happy for me.

My college wasn't that far away that I couldn't afford to go home for a few days during the semester holidays, but far enough not to be bothered by any surprise visits from my parents or people from Forks.

After all, Charlie had been right. It was easier to live trough when I was away from Forks. Not because of the painful memories around me fading away, but for the fact I didn't have to see Charlie's or Jacob's worried faces every day.

I kept myself busy. I was studying all night for my classes. I was prepared for my exams. I started working in the library to earn some money and to get in contact with other students and professors. I planned to get a job in my institute, so I made sure everyone knew my name and my face. I took so many classes I would graduate a year earlier if I could keep up with it. I went to see a therapist. I wrote articles for the school paper – a perfect excuse to work at nightly hours instead of sleeping. I went out with my roommates and did a few more stupid things like frat parties, more alcohol, more drugs and smoking pot. I kissed a few guys and even a girl because I was too drunk to care. I was nice to the other students, to the professors, to the cleaning ladies, to the personnel in the cafeteria. I was nice to everyone, not showing how I felt, playing my game. Not even my therapist could see through it. She thought I was getting better with the antidepressants and the sleeping pills she had prescribed me and that I was finally opening up and talking about the "incident". If she only knew…

If she only knew… of course, I had to lie to her. She wanted to help me. But I didn't want any help. There was no real help. I just wanted something to ease the pain. I only wanted a refill for the drugs. I only wanted to make Charlie happy. But for that, I had to lie to her. So I told her a heartbreaking story about this guy who had broken up with me and left… I mean, it wasn't really a lie. I didn't have to lie, there were just a few things I couldn't tell her…

If I had told her I was still mourning my ex-vampire-boyfriend who had left me because I was only trouble… that he had left me because he was sick of protecting me all the time while he was trying not to bite me… if I had told her that first this bad vampire James, then my sweet vampire brother Jasper, then fucking Laurent had tried to kill me… if I had told her I was still angry with him because I had wanted to be a vampire and he had constantly refused to turn me while assuring me he loved me… that he had left me and taken my vampire sister, my vampire siblings and my vampire parents with him after telling me he didn't love me anymore… if I had told her I still imagined seeing, hearing and feeling him now and then and broke out in tears when I noticed it had just been my imagination, she would have had me committed, no doubt. I couldn't do that to Charlie.

This went on for over a year. Then, I had given up. I was just living a big, fat lie. I was lying to Charlie. I was lying to Renee. I was lying to Angela in the letters and emails I wrote. I was lying to Jacob on the phone. I was lying to my therapist. I was lying to everyone. Even to myself. Because inside I already knew I wouldn't get better. I just pretended to myself that someday I would get better. But I knew that I wouldn't. And I didn't want to get better. There was no reason to. I had begun to like my silent suffering. Maybe a part of me needed the constant pain to keep reminding me all had been real. Or maybe I just got used to it and forgot how to be happy. I didn't know. I didn't care. It didn't matter.

I couldn't stop lying to them. I couldn't break their hearts. I didn't want to disappoint them. But I could at least stop lying to myself. So I stopped.

I stopped the antidepressants (but not the cigarettes, the drugs and the alcohol), I stopped going to therapy. I stopped bothering about make up and dressing in happy colors. I took the job in the bar to keep my mind occupied at nights. And I had finally a reason to wear black without being asked stupid questions. I quit the job in the library because I already had troubles staying awake in classes. I stopped going out with my "friends". I stopped reading and brought my old books to a second-hand bookstore. I told the editor I couldn't work for the school paper anymore because I needed more time studying. At the same time, I stopped doing my homework. My marks dropped. I failed my exams. I stopped cooking and doing laundry. I stopped paying my rent and had to move from campus. Then I stopped paying my tuition fees. And then I finally decided I wouldn't go back to college, because without Edward, I had no future anyway.

So I was sitting on my bed every day for hours until it was time to go to work. I stayed alive for Charlie, for Renee, for Jacob. I stayed alive mostly for Charlie. But not for myself.

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**Reviews are better than Bella fearing she's suffering from a multiple personality disorder.**

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**Coming up next: Emmett's POV  
**While I was lying on my back, the amazing taste of bear still on my lips, it suddenly hit me. I would skip school.


	3. Chapter 3 Something Useful

This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I do own some ideas, though.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Bella's POV.**  
This went on for over a year. Then, I had given up. I was just living a big, fat lie. I just pretended to myself that someday I would get better. But I knew that I wouldn't. And I didn't want to get better. There was no reason to. I had begun to like my silent suffering.

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**Chapter 3 – (Something Useful) – Emmett's POV**

While I was lying on my back, the amazing taste of bear still on my lips, it suddenly hit me. I would quit school. I had been in school for decades and it was getting me nowhere right now. It wasn't satisfying me. Changing surroundings and subjects wasn't enough. It was no quest, no distraction for me anymore.

I mean, it had been fun going to school with my siblings, watching the strange behavior of tormented teens all day. It had been fun spending lunch breaks with my family in the cafeteria or sneaking into an empty classroom with Rosalie now and then. It had been fun playing pranks on the poor unaware humans with a little help from Jasper. Together, it wasn't that bad to endure. There had been a reason to attend school over and over again. So we could stay happily together.

It had been necessary to start as early as possible – so we could stay longer at one place. It had been for my family's sake. Now, I wasn't staying with my family anymore. And even the ones staying together weren't happy about the company. So why start early? Why start at highschool, why start at college? Why even start with attending University? I mean, Carlisle was working. Edward hat attended medical school several times and was able to work as a doctor – maybe not physically (because he looked too young), maybe not practically (because of the lack of practice at a hospital) nor mentally (because he thought he wouldn't have the control). But technically (since he had the education) he was.

Why bothering with more education? Although I never showed off my knowledge, I had a helluva lot of it. I mean, I had been sitting in class for years. And I was technically, mentally AND physically able to work. I didn't worry about the practical part. I had always been a learning-by-doing-guy. And if anyone wanted some proof of my achievements – well, that wasn't going to be a problem. I just had to find an optimal profession. One that would occupy me and fill me out like being a doctor did for Carlisle. So I hadn't to think of HER and our fucking messed up family all the time. The nights were the worst time of day. I felt constantly like I was slowly dying inside (ok, technically, I was already dead). I knew my family and Rose loved me, of course. But that wasn't enough. There was no spark. I needed to get back to life, even if I was technically dead.

I wasn't going to be a doctor. What did I want to do, anyway? I had never really thought much about it. I had always been in school with at least one of my siblings. I had enough money. There had never been a reason to start working. But if I could manage being around hundreds of breathing and heartbeating students all day, I should be able being around clients and co-workers, right? As long as it wasn't somewhere with the possibility people could bleed. So, no hospitals.

I smiled when I remembered that my family would know soon enough about my plans anyway thanks to Alice.

I didn't get to a conclusion when it was getting dark. What would I do? Maybe Rose could help me with that. Should I do this alone? Should I open a business with Rosalie? We both loved cars. Maybe something with cars? Or should the family open a business? Our family was totally useless, sitting at home all day and fighting a lot until someone decided to leave again for a few days. We weren't a family anymore. We weren't even real vampires anymore. We were fucking dead messed up walking shells.

Carlisle was the only one who did something useful, even if he looked constantly like he wanted to cry. He had told me there were a lot of rumours going on. People at work were asking constantly if something bad had happened. Mostly, they assumed it had something to do with his wife. Since he refused to talk about it, he changed departments and hospitals monthly to avoid these questions. At least, he was leaving the house not only for hunting, but to fulfill his duty.

Could I do something like that? I knew I wasn't going to give advice to disturbed teens or feeding hungry children in Africa. But I wanted to do something useful with all the time, money and potential I had. I only had to find out what my potential was (besides playing pranks, hunting and wrestling). If I couldn't help my family or myself, I could at least do something instead sitting in school for nothing. And maybe, maybe my new spirit could influence my grumpy family and make things better…

But why wrack my brains about this? There were people who got paid for finding perfect career opportunities. Why shouldn't they find one for me? "This is going to be funny", I chuckled out loud. I would visit an occupational guidance counselor for the first time in my life.

I had done all the crap she had asked for. I had written little stories. I had painted pictures. I had told her about my school history (well, a shortened history, of course); about my favorite subjects, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes. I had told her some stuff about my family. I had brought all necessary papers and assignments (ok, some of them were forged, but hey, there was no way I could bring her a list with all the schools I had ever been enrolled in and not finished).

She wasn't impressed.

"Well, you're quite a… challenge", she stated, looking over her glasses at me.

_Great start_. "It can't be that difficult to find an optimal career for me", I growled.

"Well… you have good marks, good looks", she smiled at me, "you seem eager, you're willing to try, but… I can't see any… career path in your education. You did a lot of… just everything."

"Yeah, I like to experience new stuff. I did a lot of interesting things", I defended myself.

"Well…" She shuffled through all the paperwork and took a closer look at my paintings. "You're not an artist, but you have a sense for shades of… red."

I had some difficulties to hide a snicker. She didn't know I was an expert.

"You don't have any practical experience", she stated, furrowing her brows. "No internships, no trainee programs, not even a summerjob."

_Damn. _I had been too honest.

"You told me your dad is a doctor, I wonder why he never told you how important it is to do at least one internship before college", she mumbled while shuffling through more papers. "Well, you have quite good marks in English…" She furrowed her brows again. "Well, your stories… your stories are… livid. Well, well", she mumbled, fishing for other papers.

I bet my stories seemed quite cruel and gruesome to her. But they were all true. _Too honest, again._ Why haven't I just made up some practical experience?

"I have some experience with… animals", I tried. "There's a long tradition in my family to go on hunting trips." I could feel my throat burning as I remembered that tasty bear from yesterday.

She had a suspicious look on her face. "Hunting. Well, interesting." She tapped her fingers on her desk. "So you like being outside?"

"Yeah… nature is my second home", I boasted. "I can find my way through any woods with my eyes closed. And I don't mind bad or cold weather."

"Well, interesting." There was an annoying silence for several seconds. I was getting impatient.

"Well, you know, when you came through that door, I thought you're a sports type", she smiled. "I thought about football and wrestling; hunting didn't cross my mind." She furrowed her brows again. "You're built like the quarterback. Why don't you have any achievements in sports when you were in high school? Why did you never get a scholarship for college?"

"I have some knee troubles", I lied. "You know, growth spurt." Football in high school. _Great idea. _Nobody would have wondered if I had crushed someone to death just by accident in every game, right? Besides, my heart was into Baseball. I missed Baseball. I sighed.

"Don't you worry, dear", she smiled. "We will find something for you."

When I left the office, I was grumpy. Professional Football Player. Security Guy. Police Officer. Fucking brilliant ideas. When I had told her I preferred working at night, she had this shocked impression on her face as if I had offended her personally. Her option then was working as a night-watchman.

"Hey, I have years of education", I had exclaimed in desperation. "I was sitting in classes during days for years, there's no need to be sitting on a chair during nights, also."

"Of course you have a lot of education, my dear", she had tried to reassure me. "But people can get important jobs without a college or university degree. Where would this world end if everyone wanted to go to university? Well, even for these jobs you have to attend special schools, of course."

_Damn._ I didn't want to go to school anymore. I wanted to do something useful. Not in the way of "I want to help people" like Carlisle, but still.

"You told me you know a lot about wild animals, their behavior and their physical appearance, their food preferences, bone structure and stuff. You don't mind cold or wet weather. You're quite strong and healthy."

She waited a few seconds for the dramatic effect before she told me I really should consider a career as a ranger or a keeper.

That night, I started to pack my stuff. I was sure I definitely wanted to quit my classes. I didn't know what I wanted to do after that, but living as a nomad didn't satisfy me as I thought it would. I knew it for weeks, but it was quite hard to give in because I had no other perspectives than going home or travel around the world again. Travelling alone was… lonely. And being home was… fucking unbearable. I wasn't able to make things better. I had failed.

I really missed Rose and my family. I loved them. Rose was so patient with me. And geez, I even missed that stupid prick Edward. I had left because I couldn't bear watching them fight all the time and falling apart. But being here all alone didn't help, either. And I doubted that starting a career would change anything. First, I had to go back and fix this mess. Three years of this agony had been enough.

Before the "incident", Rose, me, Jasper and Alice all had secretly considered Edward as the family's keeper. Considering his physical appearance, he was the youngest of the family and we loved to make fun of it. But technically, he wasn't the youngest. He had a lot of ideas and experience due to his vampire age and his gift of reading minds. Then, Bella came along, and he had finally found love. His happiness was shining all over and infecting us. It made us happy too; happy for him, but also more content in general. Jasper could feel the love radiating off Edward, which made him feel in love more than ever with Alice. And his emotions influenced each one of us, so we were sending love vibes, too. Which influenced Jasper and so forth. We all had been this fucking little helpless creatures in love with puppy eyes. It had been a great time.

He and Bella had held this family together. He still was the family's keeper, although he was struggling everyday not to fuck things up with Bella. But he made it. We had seen every day what love could do, how it could change people and make things better. They had deserved each other, and somehow we had needed them to be happy, too. Then, suddenly she wasn't a part of our family anymore, and family life had become my own personal hell.

Edward had not been capable of holding this family together. And in his current state, he wasn't able to fix it. This time, it was my turn. I was the big, funny, protective guy. It was my job to try until I succeeded. No giving up and being a coward anymore. No fucking run and hide. I would make this family work again, even if that meant I had to kick some asses. Then, I could finally do what I wanted and change my lifestyle or find my destiny at a workplace – provided that I knew what I wanted to do then. But there were a lot of other career guidance offices in this world, right?

I would go home. I felt happy; I felt almost giddy about it. I longed to see my Rosalie again. I would surprise everyone, coming through the door and just singing that I was back, and they would be happy and hug me and order me to tell about the things I've seen and done (if Alice didn't ruin the surprise, of course). But I had to wait until tomorrow. I would be the big, responsive brother and organize my "transfer" instead just disappear. It wouldn't take much time to do all paperwork tomorrow. But it was hard not to throw my stuff in the car right now and get the hell out of here.

I did the best thing I could do to get immediate distraction (besides hunting, of course): I went to a bar.

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**Reviews are better than Emmett at the career guidance office.**

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**Coming up next: Bella's POV  
**I was too early as always. But what was the point staying at home, staring at the walls for another endless hour?


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks a lot for the first reviews and staying with me! I know there is still a lot of grammatical errors in my story; I'm trying hard to avoid that. I can still find too many of them and therefore have to correct several times before a chapter is finally uploaded; shame on me ;-)

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A/N: This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I do own the computer I write this story on.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV.  
**I did the best thing I could do to get immediate distraction (besides hunting, of course): I went to a bar.

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**Chapter 4 – (still untitled) – Bella's POV**

I was too early as always. But what was the point staying at home, staring at the walls for another endless hour? There was always something to do, to clean, to repair at this place. Something to keep my mind busy. So I used to show up early and start working as soon as I had entered and waved a quick "hello" to the others.

My work "buddies" used to drink some coffee or to read the newspaper before they started their shift. Sometimes, I could feel their eyes on me while I was wiping the countertops, rearranging the furniture or getting ready the ice machine. I knew they had a lot of questions and they cared about me, but they would respect my wish to work alone and not be bothered too much. I was thankful for that. It was one of the reasons I was still working here.

Of course, cleaning tables was not really helping with my "problem". I was constantly torn between my desire to sink in the memories of happier days and forget about the real world or to avoid thinking about what I had lost. Regardless my desire of the day, it was never really working. If I wanted to wallow in my memories while doing some easy task, someone puked on the floor or refused to take a cab home, insisting on driving his own car. These situation needed my mind and body concentrating on the task that was coming. If I finally succeeded not to think about it for a few minutes or hours, something else happened that took my barriers down. Today, it was Rebecca.

For over half an hour she was blabbing about this guy she had met a few weeks ago in here. I tried to work on something as far away from her voice as possible, but it seemed I couldn't escape her. It was like she was tracking me.

He was so sweet and goodlooking, and they had been on several amazing dates now, and he had this cute dimples, and he was so sweet, and he was this successful attorney, but not bigheaded at all, and… did I mention he was so sweet? And they were officially dating now, and next week, she would finally meet his parents. And did I mention he was so, so sweet? _Yuck._

I hated relationships. Not that I cared about other's relationships. Not that I knew what they were speaking about. Not that I had been in one before.

Ok, I had been in one before, but that didn't really count. I mean, the guy had never really loved me. At least, he had been honest enough to tell me before breaking up with me and disappearing. Besides, relationships were useless. In the end, someone was always left behind while the other moved on. I had seen it in my parents. I had seen it in high school. I had seen it in college. I could see it every day at work, when another hopeless soul walked in alone, slammed itself down at the bar and downed one drink after another, wallowing in self-pity.

I had seen it all the time. And now the same had happened to me, right my first time I had fallen in love. _Lucky me._

Edward and I were like an analogy to Renee and Charlie. I was left behind devastated – quite like my dad – while Edward had left to distract and find himself without looking back – quite like my mom. Like Charlie, I will never get over my first big love, while Edward will find someone new like Renee finally had.

There were a few differences between Charlie and me, though. Although I had managed like my dad to go back having some sort of life – an education, a job, friends, hobbies – he was living his life, while I had only existed. At least, Charlie seemed to be happy with his work, his friend Billy and his hobby. I just had lived through, filling the expectations of others around me until I had finally given up trying. I was still battered and broken, and I would never recover. So there was no reason to maintain these things.

While I was emptying the trash outside into the containers, I noticed someone was standing behind me. _Just leave me alone,_ I begged. I knew instantly who it was, because her perfume was nauseating me. Ok, maybe I felt sick because I had forgotten to eat today, but still. I had finally escaped her happiness, and now she was stalking and torturing me?

"What do you think of my new shirt, Isabella?" I cringed and turned back, taking a friendly look over her. There wasn't much to see. The shirt was almost non-existent.

Rebecca was one of those skinny and big boobs girls. With great legs, a mass of big, blonde hair, long eyelashes and an always visible "tramp stamp" (thanks to her low-waist black pants she was wearing). Guys (because of their hormones) and girls (because of their jealousy) used to stare after her when she was handing out drinks and flirting with customers. How easily they were impressed. With her big confidence in herself, she reminded me a bit of Rosalie. But while Rosalie was beauty, glory and grace itself, Rebecca was just… cheap and fake and… pathetic. She was nothing compared to Rosalie. _Great._ After unsuccessful struggling not to think about HIM today, I'm thinking about his gorgeous sister. I sighed. At least, she had never lied to me. I was lying constantly, no matter if I liked the person I lied to or not.

"It's pretty", I whispered. Maybe, the lie wouldn't be that bad if I didn't say it out loud. Rebecca had always been quite nice to me, despite my unsocial and ungrateful behavior. _It's pretty if you want to get laid by some drunk asshole. _Should I warn her? Maybe her sweet, handsome, successful attorney wasn't so sweet in his intentions after all?

"Really?" she beamed. Of course she wanted to hear more.

"It looks really nice", I assured her. She smiled, still standing there, fishing for more compliments. As if she needed any. She knew every guy loved and worshipped her. She was the "other" woman everyone would leave his wife or girlfriend for. A nice distraction. Maybe HE was already… _Stop it!_ I mentally slapped myself and went back inside to clean the pissoirs. I knew she wouldn't follow me in there, thank god. Cleaning facilities wasn't suitable for her fake nails. "I hate green", I mumbled.

I still had nightmares about him – at least when I made the mistake to fall asleep. Sometimes, it was just his velvety voice, telling me over and over again he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't want me to go with him, that I wasn't good for him. Sometimes, I was trying to following him into the woods. I couldn't see anything. Only trees and bushes around me. I couldn't even see the sky. Everything was green. For me, green was the color of broken love, being alone, desperation and devastation. I hated green.

I pushed my way against the overbearing crowd. I made it back to the bar without spilling or crashing anything. _Halleluja._

I set the trays down and noticed we were running out of glasses. _Again._ I sighed and started mechanically cleaning, drying and polishing. While the others were handing out drinks and flirting, getting big tips, I always ended up cleaning. But I didn't really mind. I wasn't getting big tips anyway, and I didn't feel that comfortable in all these masses of sweating, yelling, drunk people.

Sometimes, I still wondered why I preferred working here instead of a quiet, nice, well-sorted library. In a library, I could help people finding books that would change their life. I could make use of my knowledge and recommend new authors. I would stop working around 5pm, going home and taking a few books with me. I would cook a nice dinner, taking a warm shower, going to bed early and reading for one or two hours before turning the lights off and falling asleep.

Ok, I guess I wouldn't. I would come home, taking a shower, sitting on my bed, staring at the walls. If I would make this big mistake of falling asleep, I would wake up screaming and kicking. After that, I would do my daily ritual of sobbing and clutching my chest for several hours until I was so exhausted I fell asleep for one or two heavenly hours without dreaming.

But at least I wouldn't have to polish glasses, clean toilettes and get rid of trash, junk and vomit. I wouldn't have to explain for another 10 minutes why it was a good idea to come back for the car tomorrow. Nobody would try to touch my backside or make vulgar jokes about me the time I brushed past them. There would be no yelling, no flashing lights, no piercing music. Why did I stay here? I didn't like music. I didn't like drunk people. I didn't like being with so many people in one room at all. I was quite good and fast at cleaning. Mop and bucket were my best friends. If a customer was bothering me too much, I could always call security. The people working here were friendly towards me. Ok, maybe Rebeecca was a bit annoying sometimes, but she seemed surprisingly to like me.

I kinda liked it, although I didn't love it here. It was just a job. It kept me awake during the nights. I was getting enough money so I could pay my bills on time. I was postponing the inevitable fact I had to tell Charlie the truth someday. I mean, he expected me to graduate from college. Maybe he even expected me to go to university. I couldn't just tell him like "No, dad, there is no need to come up for my graduation. There is no graduation. I quit college a few years ago. I'm currently working in a bar. I'm cleaning countertops, polishing glasses and emptying ashtrays every night.

I should have run away a long time ago. Why was I still working here, the same city I had gone to college? Where people could recognize me? I didn't know. Maybe because I liked the free drinks.

I was polishing glasses again after midnight, when Rebecca ellbowed me in my rips. Her eyes were sparkling. I guess sweet, successful attorney was finally here.

"Oh my gosh, have you seen this huge, amazing, cute guy back there?" she pointed. "He's so… huge" she explained with her hands, almost knocking over a customer. "I mean", she snickered, "he's built like a body builder, but in a nice way."

I couldn't really imagine how he should look like. It wasn't much of any useful information, after all. "I don't think so", I shook my head, not even bothering to look in the pointed direction. Even if I had seen him, I knew I wouldn't remember him. I didn't look customers in their eyes, so I didn't remember their faces, even if they came in regularly. My job was faceless; my customers belonged to a faceless crowd. Mostly, I remembered customers by their voices and orders or their nicknames for me. And I wasn't interested in cute, amazing, body-builder-guys anyway. I wasn't interested in any guys.

Besides, it had been a busy night. One hour ago, she had urged me to get my friends mop and bucket to clean the floors after another unlucky frat boy had tried to pour down 15 Tequila shots in a row. Twenty minutes later, she had ushered me outside to check the containers (every once in a while, some drunk student thought it's funny to set them on fire). After that, I was helping a hysteric girl finding her purse she thought had been stolen. (Actually, it lay forgotten in one of the stalls of the girls' toilet.) Between these tasks, I had been cleaning and polishing hundreds of glasses. I was getting tired and felt a little dizzy. Maybe I really should eat something.

"He's so cute, and he's sitting there all alone. Maybe I should give him my number?" she winked.

"What about your sweet boyfriend?" I asked sarcastically. I knew she wouldn't bother giving him her number even while his girlfriend was sitting in his lap staring daggers at her.

"He's not coming tonight. He went bowling with friends", she growled. _Oh, thunder in paradise. _Guess he wasn't that perfect after all. _Who would have thought._

"You can give your phone number to any guy you want", I sighed while bending down to check if enough cold beer was left in the fridge. Why did she always talk that much to me? Everyone else was getting the hint to leave me alone, even the customers. And a proper conversation wasn't really easy with all the loud music and the yelling around us.

"Maybe I should give him YOUR number", she smiled.

_No way._ I stood abruptly, not bothering closing the fridge. "Don't", I warned her.

"Izzie", she cooed, patting my shoulder, "you need to losen up a little." She started preparing a Bloody Mary, not stopping her endless chatter. "Bring him this drink, talk to him for a few minutes and you'll see he's really friendly and handsome. I mean, you don't have to marry him and bear his children. Just flirt a little. Get some compliments. Boost your ego. And who knows, maybe you get lucky tonight", she winked.

I sighed. We already had this conversation several times. It never ended well. I would tell her I didn't want to date and she would ask the same hundreds of questions as always why the hell I didn't even want to have some fun now and then. At first, I had quickly waved her off by telling something about a bad relationship. But then she started insisting I needed to date again to get over this stupid guy who had let me go. She had already tried several times setting me up with customers or friends, but stopped after she had to witness me going all mute and hostile on them, avoiding to even look at them or say hello.

She had been angry and disappointed – "I only wanted to help you!" – but I couldn't talk about it. Who was I kidding? Of course I wanted someone to love me. It was really difficult for me to watch other couples coming in for a drink. Every time I could see the love for each other in their eyes, in the way they held hands, in the way he guided her through the crowd with his hand on her back, or in the way he helped her out of her jacket, my heart seemed to clench up in my chest, and I felt ashamed I envied them their happiness.

But I couldn't date. I didn't want just someone to love me. I wanted HIM to love me. And since that wasn't possible, there was no reason to get some guy's hope up. It would be so unfair. Because I would never really love him like I had loved HIM. To play with another guy's feelings that way wouldn't make me any better than… Edward. I had already done it to Jacob and there was no way I could ever do this mistake again.

So why even bother with talking to another customer. Maybe he was cute. Maybe he was single. Maybe I could even like him. But I would never love him, and I couldn't tell this Rebecca. She wouldn't understand.

"A Bloody Mary?" I scoffed and tried to hide my smile. Interesting choice. Most customers wanted beer, vodka or tequila shots. Wine, champagne or other drinks were rarely ordered, and when ordered, then mostly consumed by young women. "Besides, my name is not Izzie", I growled.

"Isabella", she sighed. "There's a beautiful girl hidden inside you. There's nothing wrong to let her out a little. He's the perfect guy to practice on. He seems like a real gentleman. And he's not drunk yet."

I pretended not to hear her, putting more beer in the fridge. You can never have enough cold beer at this time.

"Silly girl", she muttered while grabbing a tray, ready to fight her way through the crowd. "You really need to have some fun."

I glanced at the barbie doll, already disappearing in the mass of people, carrying the tray with amazing grace over her head. She had no difficulties doing that without spilling a drop. People were giving her space as if she was a movie star. It was everytime amazing to watch it. She was perfect for this job, parting the crowd like Moses had parted the Red Sea.

I took out a beer and popped it open, taking a long pull. I was already loosening up.

The night dragged on. There were unending circles of beer, vodka, tequila, blurred faces, my friends mop and bucket, and glasses waiting to be cleaned and polished. Besides taking care of the glasses, I was wiping countertops, emptying ashtrays, cleaning up vomit, taking orders, serving drinks, calling cabs, re-filling little bowls with peanuts like I did every night. And I was smiling all the time like a pro. I felt great. Beer on an empty stomach can do wonderful things to your mind and body. And nobody cared if I had a drink or two at work. Guess that's one big reason I was still here.

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**Reviews are better than Bella polishing glasses all night long.**

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**Coming up next: Emmett's POV  
**As I glanced over the crowd, I suddenly felt like someone had punched me into the face.


	5. Chapter 5 Bloody Mary

A/N: Thanks for staying with me! I know there is still a lot of wrong spelling in my story; I'm trying hard to avoid that. I have to correct several times before a chapter is finally uploaded; shame on me ;-)

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**Author:** *scratching her head while waiting for some brilliant ideas*

**Edward:** What the hell are you doing? *yelling*

**A:** What's your problem? *annoyed*

**E:** You said this is going to be an Edward / Bella story. Edward, that's me *points to himself*.

**A:** I know who you are, Edward *eyes rolling*

**E:** Than why is Emmett getting to see her, to smell her, to touch her? You're making it an Emmett / Bella story. I didn't even get a glimpse of her yet in all the chapters you're writing parallel *whining*

**A:** You remember what you did to her, right?

**E:** *suddenly finds his toes very interesting*

**A:** You can't just expect to show up like nothing has happened *sighing*. She's already broken and scarred, don't make this worse than it already is! Besides, you're broken, too, remember?

**E:** *shuffles his feet, growling*

**A:** Be patient. You can thank me later.

**E:** *looking annoyed, not getting the point*

**A:** I mean, I'm sending Emmett first so he has to handle with all the mess you left. He's like a shield, protecting you from her bubbling rage, waiting to erupt. You don't want to be there when this happens. Actually, I don't think you would make it. Believe me, she would rip you into pieces. Slowly and painful.

**E:** Huh, didn't think of that *impressed*

**A:** See? That's what I thought.

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A/N: This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I do own the computer I write this story on.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Bella's POV.  
**I pushed my way against the overbearing crowd. I made it back to the bar without spilling or crashing anything. _Halleluja._

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**Chapter 5 – (Bloody Mary) – Emmett's POV**

It was a typical Saturday night. Young people – most of them seemed to be students – were having a good time while drinking, talking, dancing, laughing and forgetting about homework, exams, trouble in private life. This place was vibrating with life. I liked it here.

Even if I didn't drink anything, visiting a bar used to provide pure fun to me over the last decades. I guess it was quite the same reason why humans liked going to the zoo: It gave you an opportunity to stare at funny beings behave in funny ways. And because people were usually more than just a bit intimidated by me, no one would bother me while sitting in a dark corner, pretending to sip on a drink, watching the little humans.

It wasn't the same anymore since I have left my family, but I kept going there every now and then. It still was a distraction. Better than sitting home alone in my empty apartment, brooding over Edward's big mistake and how to fix it. Ok, to be honest, it didn't really help. Normally, I still ended up brooding over Edward's big mistake – just not home alone, but surrounded by little funny humans in a bar.

I always tried not to judge him too harsh, not to blame him all the time. But it was difficult. I didn't want to blame one of my siblings. I loved my family.

I didn't want to blame Jasper. We all had a weak moment during several seconds when Bella's appealing blood made an appearance. And Jasper didn't only feel his own thirst, but suddenly also the thirst of his parents and his siblings. The thirst of seven ravenous vampires at once. Nobody with Jaspers ability could have resisted in this moment.

I didn't want to blame Alice, either. The little pixie had a gift, but that didn't mean she could always use and manipulate it like a toy or an instrument (although she was able to do it now and then). Maybe she shouldn't have insisted on Jasper staying at the party. Maybe her confidence in Jasper had been wrong, tainted because of the love and affection she felt towards him. Maybe we should have talked Alice out of throwing a birthday party.

Maybe I should have been more focused on Jasper instead of Bella unwrapping her gifts. Maybe we should have listened to Bella's wish and not give her gifts at all. Or not wrap them. Maybe. Maybe. A lot of maybes. In the end, we all had wanted to have this stupid party. It had been a long time since we had the chance to celebrate a birthday of one of our family members. We all had wanted to spoil Bella and make her happy.

And in the end, there would have been a happy ending after all if Edward hadn't fucked up.

_Edward._ I sighed. I missed him.

I was mad at him for fucking up. I wanted to kick his ass badly. I wanted to rip his limps off. But that didn't change the fact that I felt bad for him and what he had to go through right know. He had made a mistake. It wasn't really his fault. He had no experience with love and relationships and all that came with it. I wanted to hug him and soothe him and tell him it would be okay. But it wasn't going to be okay, and I didn't want to lie to him.

With Edward, it had always been a bit complicated. Although I loved both my brothers, I had always felt somewhat closer to Jasper than to Edward. It was easier being around Jasper, considering Edward's brooding, deliberate, kind of depressed nature and his mind reading gift. We were quite different. It was difficult finding more stupid "bonding things" besides hunting and wrestling. (I mean, playing chess or video games isn't that funny when your counterpart is always picking your decisions out of your mind before you can act.) It was so much easier with Jasper, even if he liked the idea messing with my emotions a bit too much sometimes. We were equals in playing chess or in playing video games (although the fact that my excitement influenced Jasper's, which reflected back on me and therefore had the tendency to overboard now and then, which made the rest of the family flee the house).

Sometimes, Jasper and I went to public places like bars, restaurants or airports to "train" his resistance against human blood. Playing pool billiard, watching other people, lining up for tickets, talking without having other family members present who could overhear you even when shielded by several stone walls and rooms. It was a good training for me, too (ever tried to play billiard when you're as ridiculously strong as The Incredible Hulk?). School was ok for him mostly, especially when Alice was with him, and school was the only place he had to visit on a regularly basis, but he insisted on "habituation training" without Alice. You never know. It had been quite useful in the past.

After all these years, we had our talent of pretending to consume food and drinks brought to perfection. (It's not that difficult if you're super fast and all.) Sometimes, we spilled sips of our drinks into the drinks of other customers while they where on the dance floor or nobody was looking. Of course, we made sure that the mix of the drinks wouldn't fit. Drops of my Bloody Mary into the Sex On The Beach of to this stupid freshman, hitting on girls who were already annoyed by his lame pick-up line. _Yummy. _(Although I wouldn't know, I never tasted this awful combination, but his look said it all.)

Edward hated to go into a bar or a disco with us. He preferred concerts or exhibitions. I made always fun of it, indicating he was boring or afraid security wouldn't let him in since he still looked like seventeen, but I couldn't really blame him. In situations like this, his gift was not a blessing, but more of a curse (it didn't change the fact I wanted to have it, though). After years of training, school was more than just manageable for him. But a crowd of hundreds of yelling and singing people in one single room with modern, loud music AND all thoughts of everyone in the same room entering your brain has to be almost unbearable.

I had to admit I missed the beer. I didn't remember much of my human life; I didn't remember anything about my eating and drinking preferences. But while the smell of food and other drinks repelled me like they did any other normal vampire, beer still smelled inviting to me. So I guess I liked it a lot when I had been human. I knew if I would take a little sip in my current state of being, I would have a hard time not to immediately run off and throw up. Because it didn't taste inviting anymore at all. It tasted fucking disgusting (believe me, I tried. My siblings thought it was fucking funny, and even Edward had a hard time to hide his snickering). So why torture myself with downing dirt and choking it up afterwards?

For pretending to be human, it didn't matter which drink would be in front of me. I wouldn't drink any of it. But mostly, like today, I ordered a "Bloody Mary". It was a nice little inside joke and I didn't have to sit there and wish I could be human again for five minutes and enjoy a cold, tasty beer. I guess that was the reason why everyone in our family avoided the smell of human food, if it was possible. And why it was fucking annoying sitting in the cafeteria during lunch break alone. We could remember the taste of our favourite foods in our human life. But we couldn't enjoy it any more.

As I glanced over the crowd, I suddenly felt like someone had punched me into the face. It even felt good – in a sick way – since it had been weeks I felt so "alive". That smell. Some sort of freesia, and strawberry, and apple, and tobacco, and… beer? The combination was weird. No, it was great. It was really great. It was fucking great. I felt excited. But still… Suddenly, my throat was on fire and venom began to pool in my mouth.

_No, no, no _I chanted. I didn't need that, I had enough problems to handle right know. _Not another singer_, I begged silently. I hold my breath. _That's better._ I wasn't in the mood to kill an innocent woman and dump her body afterwards. My family was in pain. They needed me. I would go home tomorrow. They would be devastated if I slipped up just now. I had done enough damage to make them unhappier than they already were.

_You can do this,_ I chanted in my head. _You can do this. You can do this. Just see that you get out of here! _I cautiously took another whiff. I knew it was a big mistake, but I was curious about the owner of this delicious scent. It seemed familiar and strange at the same time. _Think of them as people. People with feelings and significant others._ Maybe if I added a face to the smell, I would feel too sorry to take her life. She surely wasn't alone. There had to be a boyfriend or a husband or friends. Maybe she even had a kid at home. At least some kind of family who cared about her. I wouldn't destroy their lifes.

_You can do this,_ I chanted while cursing me not having stayed at home with my family. _Think of Rosalie! If you slip, she's going to rip your head off! _Why had I even left? For some distraction? I scoffed. I should have stayed with them. Alice would have warned me and I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't be here, surrounded by that incredible smell. I needed to distract myself and downed the whole damn Bloody Mary. _Yuck._ But hey, the fire in my throat wasn't that bad anymore, now I had to restrain myself not to throw up. That smell. I suddenly tensed. _That smell_. I definitely knew that smell. It was different, but still familiar. Strawberries. And flowers. Freesia.

My thirst was completely gone as this fucking huge lightbulb went on. _No, this can't be!_ I gasped. _No fucking way!_ I cursed. I had to get out of here. We had promised him not to interfere. He would rip my head off. And why didn't Alice warn me? I checked my cell phone. No missed calls or text messages (not that it had been possible to miss it, even with all the yelling and the music around me – I mean, I had perfect hearing). I sighed. Maybe it was one of these days she didn't get any visions. Or maybe she was crying in her room, not able to guard her stupid big bear brother doing stupid things. But even crying her heart out was no reason not to warn me that I was almost going to plan on killing my baby sister. I was disgusted with myself. I had been sitting here for minutes. Why didn't I notice it before?

I threw some money on the table and stood up, pondering if it was better to leave through the front or the backdoor. I had to get out of here. _Now more than ever._

But I couldn't.

My little human sister was here. I wanted to see her just for a second. To see she was alright. Why had she moved from Forks? Did Charlie move here, too? Or maybe she was living with her mother now? Then I remembered there was a college nearby, and I smiled. She went to college. My little sister went to college because she was fucking brilliant. _I bet she's studying English Literature and having a blast._ There was no doubt she was an excellent student and had made a lot of friends. Maybe they all had come in here to celebrate their successful exams? Then I remembered she was too young to be in here at this time for any kind of celebration, and I suddenly felt the need of lecturing her about the dangers of stupid hormonal teens and beer in the same room.

I glanced over the crowd again. I still couldn't see her. In that crowd of students over there, maybe? No, I couldn't recognize her in any of the faces. _Where are you, little Bella?_ I mumbled. I knew she was here. Why didn't I notice before? I should have recognized her scent the moment I entered the bar. I longed so much to get a glimpse of her, even if it was only for one second. I took a few steps further to the middle of the room, then thought better of it and retreated back. I had to make sure she wouldn't see me. I had to stay in this dark corner.

I let myself breathe again. _Use your senses, stupid prick! _I growled. To be honest, I had been seeing my little human sister in many brunettes over the last three years. My eyes had always been fooling me. How embarrassing. I used to have perfect sight, after all. But my nose and my ears should help me with my task. They had never fooled me. I took another whiff.

The smell seemed to come from somewhere near my right, and I checked every figure in this overcrowded room, lingering on every face until I was sure it wasn't my little sister. I was quite sure she had changed, but I would recognize her immediately. My gaze moved to examine another possible candidate. I couldn't hear her lovely laugh. But… that little waitress over there – she looked a lot like Bella. _No, this can't be right._ My little sister Bella, cleaning tables instead of celebrating the nearing semester holidays?

The smell was definitely coming from the little waitress, her back on me. I felt sad. _Of course._ She had to work to earn some money for a living. Her parents had never been a fountain of gold, and even if she was bright enough to get a scholarship, she needed some extra money. I suddenly felt guilty. We had so much money to waste and my little sister had to work in a fucking bar on the weekend instead of going out and having fun with her friends?

I sat back down and continued watching her. _Only one more minute_ I promised myself. Just to see if the customers treated her with enough respect. If the groups of college students didn't cause any troubles. (Otherwise, they would feel very, very sorry.) But who was I kidding? The most important reason to stay: I longed to see her face.

She was wearing a black half-apron over her dark jeans and a black shirt. Her hair was thinner, shorter and almost black. She looked different; slightly curvier around the hips, prettier, but also like she had lost some weight everywhere else. She had grown up. She wasn't that clumsy anymore. She almost moved with grace, wiping the tables and taking orders at the same time. But it was definitely my little baby sister.

I involuntarily smiled.

Then she slowly turned to take a customer's orders near my table, and my smile died. She was still stunningly beautiful. But she was paler than I remembered; even the make up plastered in her face couldn't hide it. She looked stressed and as if she hadn't slept in weeks. There were these dark circles under her eyes, competing with the dark mascara and eye-shadow she was wearing. They would definitely win a competition over Edward's circles. It seemed working besides studying for all these exams coming up before the holidays was taking its toll on her. I hold my breath. She didn't just look tired. She looked sad. And her eyes were… lifeless.

And the worst part of it: She was obviously drunk. She was fucking drunk at work. _So much for keeping Bella safe, _I sighed.

I was so distracted, I accidentally emptied the glass in my hand in one sip. _Yuck._

I was sitting there for another few minutes before I finally managed to leave. It was too dangerous to stay inside. I knew if she would notice me, I could have vanished before she had reached me; disappeared within the blink of an eye. She would think it had been her imagination. But that didn't seem fair to me.

Three years ago, I had left without saying goodbye, and it still hurt. I wouldn't do that again. It would kill me. This time, I would say goodbye. Even if it was only mentally.

On my way out, that cheap blonde waitress winked at me from behind the counter. She fucking winked! What about my threatening features, my apparent dangerous nature? It seemed like she didn't even notice. _Stupid humans_, I growled. They didn't even recognize danger when it was right in front of them. Ok, maybe it was too dark in here to see properly. After all, humans didn't have perfect sight. That would explain why she had scribbled her phone number on my napkin after she had brought me the drink.

I wanted to leave, pretending I hadn't noticed her flirting, when I realized this girl was working with Bella after all. Maybe she was her friend (although I cringed internally at the thought my little sister could be friends with something like this). You never should judge a book by its cover, right? So I winked back, and her face burst into a smile. She blew a kiss at me and went back to her job of mixing drinks as if nothing had happened. Interesting. _I'm losing my touch,_ I snickered. She was apparently mixing another Bloody Mary, as I could see. I shuddered as I turned to leave, hoping she hadn't intended to bring it to me. I would never ever order this again. You never know when you really drink it.

After I got finally rid of Disgusting Mary, I decided to hang around the parking lot. After a few glances of the security guy, I decided to retreat. I still was a bit of an eye-catcher, after all. But I would wait in the area. Only a few minutes. Just to see a glimpse of Bella again. I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I checked the parking lot, but I couldn't see Big, Rusty, Noisy Red. I guess the car had broken down after the ride down here. Or she had left it at home. Did she have another car? She had to work here to earn some money, after all. It wouldn't be anything similar to the car I was driving. Or Rosalie. I sighed.

I waited.

People were leaving in bunches; yelling, laughing, singing, tripping, sometimes still clutching a drink in one hand while supporting themselves with the other on a friend.

Still no Bella.

Minutes later, someone turned the music down. More people were leaving, and the security guy helped several drunk guys getting into a cab. From inside, I could hear clattering, scraping and murmuring. The place was closing down.

Still no Bella, although I knew she was still here.

I listened intently. But I could never make out her voice in the bunch of people staying in there. It seemed like she wasn't talking at all.

So I waited.

I prepared myself to say goodbye. I would not interfere. We had promised.

I waited.

And finally, she came out; swaying slightly, waving a quick goodnight to the security guy while crossing the parking lot.

She didn't stop. That made me happy to no end (at least she wasn't driving after drinking and working for so many hours), but also irritable. What the fuck was she doing? Walking home alone? Where was her plastic Barbie friend? Why didn't she call a cab? _Humans_, I growled. No sense for safety and security when really necessary. Edward had been right being so overprotective. This girl was still a danger magnet. Some things never change.

No way to leave her alone. I had to get her home safely.

I was on track for only two minutes when this tall guy appeared, making a turn and following Bella. Inch by inch, he was closing up on her. She didn't even notice. I had no mind-reading gift, but I knew immediately what this prick was up to.

The moment she turned around the corner and disappeared out of my sight, I grabbed his neck, spun him around and pressed him as softly as possible to the wall. _Good Lord_. He was only a kid, maybe fifteen or sixteen, filthy as a homeless person. I didn't even have to put my impressive Emmett-is-really-pissed-now-mask on. He was so startled he couldn't even utter a sound. His heart was crashing in his chest, and he broke out in a sweat, tears already in the corner of his eyes.

"I would say, you leave this nice young lady alone and go home", I hissed. "If you don't have a home, then… just go. And if I ever see you around, I will beat you up so badly even your mother will not recognize your face."

He was so scared he wet his shabby pants. I let him go and he stumbled away, almost tripping over his own feet, until he managed to run off. He was really fast for a human. I chuckled and hurried to catch up on Bella.

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**Reviews are better than Emmett watching Bella polishing glasses all night long.**

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**Coming up next: Bella's POV  
**I stopped after a few feet. I had this odd feeling like someone was watching me.


	6. Chapter 6 Empty Life

A/N: This chapter may seem like a filler chapter in the first part, but it's not. It's not much happening in here, and that's exactly how it should be. I just wanted to show how empty Bella's life had become without Edward, without the Cullens. And although there's not much going on, it was quite difficult to write. I guess I just had my first writer's block ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I do own a cat (Norwegian Forest).**

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**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV.  
**After I got rid of Disgusting Mary, I decided to hang around the parking lot. I would wait in the area. Only a few minutes. Just to see a glimpse of Bella again. Finally, she came out; swaying slightly, waving a quick goodnight to the security guy while crossing the parking lot.

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**Chapter 6 – (Empty Life) – Bella's POV**

I had lost any sense of time. The unending circles of drinks, dirty glasses and overflowing ashtrays blurred together with orders and dirty jokes of hundreds of faceless customers, Rebecca's shrieking calls to get mop and bucket, the blaring music and the hot and intense lights from above.

I felt dizzy and rubbed my temples every two minutes, which didn't really help with my headache. I had lost track of what I was doing. I was so tired. Not only physically, but also mentally. Tired of everything. I wasn't working. I was functioning. Cleaning, wiping, serving, polishing and talking mechanically, like a machine. Not human anymore.

At least I didn't really feel human. I felt empty. And watching the customers drinking, laughing, flirting, yelling and dancing, I was wondering why the hell they didn't. I knew not everyone of them was happy. Some of them were just pretending. Pretending like me. Drinking to forget. Dancing to forget. Hitting on someone, flirting, laughing to forget. Sometimes even taking home some stranger to forget. Coming back the next night, sitting alone at the counter, whining about their fucked up life over another expensive drink. So maybe they weren't happy. Maybe they were pretending right now. At least, they didn't look empty. They didn't look like me. They weren't an open book about their emptiness.

I had stopped checking myself properly in the mirror long time ago. I even was able to put make-up on without glancing a look in there. I mean, the reflection wasn't really pleasant.

I felt a bit lightheaded when I prepared to leave. The music was still buzzing in my ears, although it had been tuned down to an acceptable level an hour ago. I struggled with my jacket until Rebecca helped me getting in my left sleeve and buttoning up as if I was a child, not capable doing it myself. (Which was kind of true in my current state.) I allowed her doing it this time. Normally, I stormed off after my shift without saying goodbye to everyone. Not really polite.

She didn't say anything as she handed me my purse, staring at me. There was some pity in her eyes and I turned my head, embarrassed and annoyed. I wasn't ready for another talk.

"Good night", I mumbled politely, turning to leave. "See you tomorrow." Always be polite to your customers, your work buddies, your boss. Sometimes, I had to remind myself; I had become so alienated to this world. I had forgotten all my manners. It was dangerous. People would notice.

"Get some rest, B", she mumbled back.

I hurried outside, waving back a goodbye to Thomas while still walking forwards. Bad idea. I almost tripped. _Silly Bella_, I chided myself. _You're drunk again_. That was the fifth time this week, and the week wasn't even over yet.

The fresh air was nice. Not that I really cared.

I stumbled towards home, eager to get to my favourite bottle of vodka, but stopped after a few feet, just as I had turned around the corner at the Italian restaurant. I had this odd feeling like someone was watching me. I looked around, but there was nothing special. I sighed. Of course I couldn't see anything special. I stared at the sign in the window, recognizing the Italian name of the place, and it reminded me of something. _No_, I slapped myself mentally and started walking. _Not again. I'm not going to cry_. I sped up, almost running. _He's not here. He's not here. He's not here_ I chanted. I could already feel the tears swelling up. I had to go home now. _I'm not going to cry. Not tonight. Not again._

I finally reached my building, almost tripping on the stairs in front of my apartment, fumbling what felt forever with the keys, yanking the door open and slamming it shut, leaning against it, sliding down until I sat on the floor, hugging my knees, making myself as small as possible, rocking forth and back, smelling the tobacco on my clothes and in my hair.

I swallowed. I was gasping for air, but I couldn't breathe. My chest was tight, my heart was hammering, the blood rushing in my ears, and I felt cold and empty. _He's not here. He's not here. He's not here,_ I reminded myself. _He's not coming back._ _You're all on your own._ I strangled the sobs that where forcing their way out of me from deep inside. _I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry._ I swallowed, but the lump wasn't going away. I was panicking, but I wasn't really scared. I was getting used to this kind of panic. It was like this almost every morning I came back from work. It's been like this for months.

_He's not here,_ I chanted over and over again. _Then why do you feel like he's right beside you?_ my mind screemed back at me. _Why do you still see him everywhere? Why can you still hear his voice if he's not here? _My mind was talking a lot to me these days. Maybe I should stop drinking.

I could hear myself chuckle between the strangled sobs. But the voice didn't sound like me at all. _You're officially going crazy, B,_ I stated to myself. I tried to breathe through my panic, through my feelings of emptiness, the hole in my chest. I shivered. I felt so cold. So cold, alone and empty. And at the same time, I still had this feeling that someone was watching me. _You already are officially crazy, silly Bella_, my brain stated. Even a schizophrenic wasn't as paranoid as I was. This had to stop.I peeked up towards the kitchen, to my sweet heaven on the counter. I needed it. Now.

After what felt like hours, I managed to get myself up without collapsing back onto the floor. I grabbed my bottle from the counter and took a long pull.

I woke up with my head on the table. _Damn._ I had fallen asleep again. At least, I couldn't remember any dreams. My wish had been fulfilled. It was all I had been asking for the last few weeks. I was pleased easily nowadays.

I lifted my head and my eyes met the empty bottle in front of me. _Great._ Nothing left for today. _Stupid, greedy, silly Bella. _Guess I had to stick to Plan B tonight. Beer was nice. Not as nice as vodka, but still nice. And for free.

I stretched myself, checked the time and frowned as I noticed it was already past 11am. I didn't know if that was a good sign. My headache definitely wasn't.

I realized I still had my jacket on, so I shrugged it off and headed to the kitchen to get something to eat.

There was an apple and some leftover pasta from Thursday in the fridge, some orange juice and a bottle of still water. _Nice._ I wasn't in the mood to cook something. I hated cooking.

I grabbed the apple, poured myself some juice and filled it up with water from the tap.

I ate my apple as slowly as possible, leaning against the fridge, counting the tiles on the kitchen floor. I sipped my watery orange juice, re-counting the tiles over and over.

I went to my tiny bathroom, throwing my tobacco-reeking clothes on the floor. It was time to do laundry again. I huffed. I hated doing laundry.

I stepped into the shower and let the water hit me with full force on the back of my head. I just stood there, eyes open, water flowing over my face, watching the water swirling down the drain, my shoulders hunched up. Like a drowning cat.

When the warm water ran out (after about four minutes, like always), I stepped out of the shower, my hair dripping, drying myself with the towel and wrapping it around my body.

I wiped the condensation from the little mirror in the bathroom, immediately regretting it.

I stood there, my hands on either side of the sink, staring down the drain, water dripping from my hair on to my neck and my back. When I started feeling cold, I grabbed another towel for my hair.

I made faces in front of the mirror for several minutes, always avoiding looking myself in the eyes. I knew I wouldn't like what was there to see.

I brushed my teeth thoroughly, watching the pink foam swirling down the drain.

I went back to my bedroom to get some clothes. Not that there was much to choose from.

Fully clothed in black underwear, black sweats and a black shirt, my damp hair up in a bun, I went back to the bathroom and cleaned the sink with full force until the white shiny surface almost blinded me.

I cleaned the shower the same way, taking my time. I had enough of it to waste.

I went downstairs to do laundry. I sat in front of the washing machine on the crappy wooden chair and stared at it, hypnotized. It was kind of meditating, like watching TV. Occupying my mind without overstraining it. I liked my brain in a non-thinking state. But if there's no alcohol in the house, you have to find other ways to achieve it.

After Laundry TV, I spend the next two hours sitting on my bed, staring at the walls, scratching absentmindedly my left forearm.

Around late afternoon, I considered calling Charlie. He should be back from any fishing trip right now. I missed him. I missed home, although I could never go back to live there. Hell, I didn't even know when I would be able to visit him again. It hurt too much to go there. It wasn't really home anymore, but a constant reminder of my pain.

I longed to hear his voice, but I finally decided against calling him. I had nothing to talk about. I would have to make things up again. I would have to lie again. I was getting to the point I couldn't do it anymore.

Sometimes I imagined telling him. Deep down, I wished there would be no need for any explanation. He would just know the second I came through the door, the second he would look into my eyes. He would just hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. But I knew this was not going to happen.

It wasn't going to be ok.

My time was running out. I had to tell him. And I would never forget the day I would finally get up the nerve to tell him. The day he would finally find out. Because it would kill him.

I placed some cat food in front of the open window before I headed to work.

I had been clocked in for only forty minutes, when things started to get unpleasant. It seemed that the semester holidays for a few students had just started two hours ago. And everyone wanted to get in here to celebrate – after they already had celebrated on campus, of course. It was too much for me.

People were staring at me, winking at me, touching me. I couldn't ignore them anymore. I hid myself in the stock room downstairs to do inventory. I didn't care if I was a few days early. It had to be done anyway, right?

This place was like heaven. You could hear the music faintly through the walls, but all the yelling and shouting was shut out. The air was cool and clean and I was all by myself.

I was just checking how much coffee was left, sitting on the old chair, holding a beer in my left hand while writing down numbers with my right hand onto the sheet of paper on my knees, when the door popped open and brought loud music and clouds of tobacco to my sanctuary.

I cringed.

"I know you prefer not to work out there at times like these", Rebecca started, "but we really need you upstairs right know."

"I'm coming, just give me a minute", I sighed, still looking at the order list. "We are seriously low on some stuff, I think we need to order most of it already on Monday."

She acted like I didn't say anything. "You will be fine, B. Thomas already called a few friends to come and help."

She shut the door, and it was almost quiet again. I rubbed my temples, emptied the can and tossed it in the trash before I turned to get back up there.

Working was as horrible as imagined. If I hadn't already consumed some heavy stuff while pouring one beer after another, polishing glass after glass, serving drink after drink, I don't think I could have handled it. Instead of being stared at and touched, I was being yelled at and groped. I tried my best to hide myself behind the bar.

"Bambi!" a customer hollered across the room. "I'm still waiting for my pitchers!" I sighed, grabbing more mugs from the freezer and noticing we were running out of glasses again. We really needed a new dishwasher.

"Bambi, I'm REALLY thirsty!" he screeched. He was a regular in here, a tall, faceless guy in his forties, this time bringing friends with him, but as impatient as ever. I hated him calling me Bambi, but I should have given him a medal he was still able to shout at a volume so I could hear him over the music and all the yelling of hundreds of drunk students.

"Just bring him his order and come back", Rebecca said to me while pouring the beer.

"I wouldn't stay any second longer than I have to", I mumbled back, frowning. What else did she expect?

"You know… you look like you would punch him this time", she chuckled.

"I would never punch a customer", I hissed. This job was all I had left, even if I loathed it at days like these.

"I can understand why you want to, though", she smiled, filling up the last pitcher. "But yeah, you shouldn't do it."

Loading up the tray with the beer, I took a deep breath, telling myself I could totally handle him, before heading towards his table, fighting my way through crowds of dancing people.

I could see the beer spilling over the pitchers; I could feel the liquid wetting my fingers holding the tray, and I smiled to myself because it was totally unavoidable to spill beer tonight with this mass of people everywhere, every few seconds bumping into me. _Not my fault._ He should have noticed by now I was clumsy and dangerous; and he always ordered drinks from me, hiding in the dark corner so I had to fight my way through the dance floor. I mean, he could have been sitting at the bar. He could have ordered his drinks from someone else. But he always insisted on ME. I didn't get it. Maybe he liked to see me in constant danger of falling down into a mass of shattered glass?

This thought shot a pain through my heart.

I reached his table and unloaded the tray, slipping the receipt under his glass. The moment I turned to leave, I could feel an arm snaking around my waist, dragging me back, while a hand cupped my ass.

"You could stay and give me and my friends some company, since it took you so long to bring our drinks. They're already cold", he chuckled.

Haha. Really funny.

"Don't touch me", I hissed, wriggling myself out of his grip and turning back to glare at him with my most intimidating stare. It was the first time I really took a look at him, and I hoped that would be enough for him to back off. But it didn't seem to work since he had this wide smile plastered on his face. Suddenly, I really felt the need to punch him, and the thought shocked and amused me at the same time. I had never been the aggressive type. At least not to other human beings. Rebecca wouldn't be that amused and not really shocked, but angry as hell.

"What, no fun for me?" he pouted. His friends grinned stupidly, obviously admiring his courage to try hitting on a waitress half his age.

"If you don't behave, I'll call security!" I warned him.

"What, that little bouncer-boy at the entrance?" he mocked me. "I don't think he's standing a chance against me", he said, grabbing my wrist.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled, yanking my arm, but it sounded a bit whiny and not as threatening as intended. Obviously, they thought the same since they all started howling and laughing, his grip never losening on my wrist. My cheeks burned and I felt tears in the corner of my eyes. Both didn't impress them.

"Don't. Touch. Her", an angry voice warned. It wasn't loud, but threatening as hell.

I froze.

* * *

**Reviews are better than Bella having a nervous breakdown every morning coming back from work.**

* * *

**Coming up next: Emmett's POV  
**I felt like a child on Christmas. Excited. I had found Bella. Or she had found me, even if she didn't know. I felt better than I had in a long time. The world wasn't that black anymore.


	7. Chapter 7 Lost and Found

A/N: I'm still a bit suffering from a writer's block, don't kill me ;-). I will upload the rest of the chapter as soon as possible.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. And I still don't like beer.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Bella's POV.  
**

My cheeks burned and I felt tears in the corner of my eyes. Both didn't impress them."Don't. Touch. Her", an angry voice warned. It wasn't loud, but it was threatening as hell. I froze.

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**Chapter 7 – (Lost and Found) – Emmett's POV**

I felt like a child on Christmas. Excited. I had found Bella. Or she had found me, even if she didn't know. I felt better than I had in a long time. The world wasn't that black anymore.

It was easy to follow her scent and I chided myself how I could have missed it before. When I stopped at her building, I swallowed hard. _What the fuck? _People were actually living in here? It looked ready to fall apart any second. And this was not a safe place. It seemed she lived in the crappiest neighbourhood this city had to offer. How could it be that my baby sister had to live like this while our family had big, nice, expensive mansions all over the world?

The sight of Big, Rusty Red at the end of the street made me smile. She still had her old car. I knew this could mean she couldn't afford another car. It made me angry she was still driving this dangerous vehicle. It made me ashamed she had to drive this piece of junk while I had several new and shiny cars in my garage. Cars with all necessary extras. Safe cars. But it also made me want to believe that maybe Bella hadn't changed that much. That maybe she just hold on to this car because she loved it. That she wanted to have something that reminded her of home and old times. Old times that included me. Me, Edward and my family.

I reached the second floor and frowned. I could hear her trough the door. I could hear her strangled sobs, her erratic heartbeat. She was crying. Why was she fucking crying? Why was my baby sister so unhappy? And why was she laughing at the same time?

I kneeled down and touched the door, as if I could touch her, feel her, comfort her. If only Jasper was here… he could make her feel better. If only Alice was here… she would know what to do. And if Edward was here…

I was useless. I couldn't do anything besides trying to hold myself from yanking this door open and hugging her senseless, rubbing her back and soothing her. I had promised him.

I hated myself for following his orders as if I was his servant. But I couldn't deny his wish. He was a fucking stupid prick with no sensibility for the real important issues in life. But he was my brother, after all. He had never asked me for anything else.

*****

The security guy wasn't really happy about me showing up again. He looked tired and ready to go home. And my appearance didn't make him feel comfortable. I mean, he knew he wouldn't stand a fucking chance against me.

"Where closed", he stated. "But there is a grocery store at the end of the street which is open for 24 hours", he pointed.

"I'm not here for a drink nor looking for any kind of trouble", I convinced him with the most human smile I could manage in my current state of anger and worry. I showed him my napkin with the phone number on it. "I'm here to see a beautiful young lady."

"That Rebecca", he sighed and stepped aside from the entrance. "She's still cleaning up. Just look for her near the bar."

Guess I wasn't the only guy she gave her phone number to. Not that I had expected I was. "Thanks man", I grinned at him, hurrying inside.

The place looked like a mess. There were still dozens of half-empty pitchers and overflowing ashtrays standing on the tables, chairs were lying on the dance floor, and the room reeked of tobacco, sweat and vomit. Why would Bella work in a place like this? I could picture her perfectly in a nice Italian restaurant, a book store or a library, but not here. But I had seen it with my very own fucking perfect eyes. She DID work here.

Rebecca was very pleased to see me.

"Hey, stranger", she winked, polishing glasses behind the counter.

"Hey there", I smiled, careful not to show too much teeth while approaching her and leaning onto the counter.

"Missed me?"

"Hm…" I trailed off, watching a red-headed waitress wiping tables and putting dirty glasses on a tray. _Great, Emmett. Way to go to fish for information about your sister from this girl who's definitely hitting on you. _But I could do this, right? I was a fucking vampire. I just had to dazzle her a bit.

"I take it you didn't come back for me, then?" she smiled. That was unexpected. She didn't even seem sad or disappointed. _You're definitely loosing your touch, boy._

"To be honest, no", I confessed.

"So how can I help you?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk about Bella."

"Bella", she mused. The red-headed waitress came over and handed the tray over to Rebecca.

"This petite brunette who was working here tonight. She was wearing-"

"I know who Bella is", she interrupted me, grabbing a few dirty glasses from the tray and drowning them in the sink. "I'm quite surprised you call her Bella."

"Well, that's her name?" I furrowed my brows. _What the fuck is going on?_

"Actually, her name is Isabella. And people call her Izzie, Isa, Bambi or B. But never Bella. She hates it. No, she absolutely loathes it."

She must have seen my confused expression, as she explained further: "I don't give out information about my employees and I don't talk about them to strangers behind their back. The fact that you call her Bella means to me you're not really a family member or a close friend. So if you want to contact her, you should come back tomorrow. She will be working here all night."

"I'm no stranger. I'm Emmett."

"Emmett", she mused, taking out a single glass, drying it and putting it on a clean tray. "And who exactly are you, Emmett?"

"I'm a… friend. We went to highschool together. Back in Forks."

"Hm." She didn't say anything after that, just cleaning and polishing glass after glass for minutes, avoiding my pleading eyes. I was losing my patience. I wanted to shake the words out of her. I wanted to smack her and I felt embarrassed I even considered hurting an innocent human that wasn't even my singer. I could almost feel the counter crumble under my hands.

"I'm just worried", I blurted out, the moment I decided to leave because the situation was getting dangerous.

Finally, she met my eyes, resting her hands in the water. "I'm worried, too", she sighed.

"I haven't seen Bella in years", I confessed. "But she seems… unhappy", I choked. Deep inside, I was afraid that this unhappiness was not her own fault.

"Actually, I have never seen her happy", Rebecca stated, and I froze.

"How… how long does she work here?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"Almost a year."

I hissed. If she had never seen her happy, that meant my little sister had been unhappy for almost a year? _That's great. _Something must have happened last year that made her unhappy. And if it had been someone, rather than something, I would crush him to death.

"Maybe she's just stressed out; college and work and all", I mumbled to myself.

"I don't know about college", Rebecca schrugged her shoulders, filling the sink with hot water.

"She IS going to college, right?" I growled, having difficulties not to yell at her.

"I think she went to college when she started here."

"You THINK?", I scoffed. This plastic blonde had no knowledge about my little sister although she was working here for months? What about girlie talk and bonding time and all that shit? I growled again, but in a low volume so she couldn't hear it. I didn't want to scare her away, after all. I needed to know more.

"Isabella doesn't talk much", Rebecca huffed. "I thought… I thought if I wasn't pressing her, she would open up to me after a while. But…"

The red-haired waitress brought some empty ashtrays over and handed them to her boss. As she glanced to me, she shivered and hurried to get away, disappearing around the corner for more work. If my appearance didn't impress Rebecca, it sure worked on the red-head. Hm. Maybe Rebecca's brain was damaged from drug use or too much surgery or something.

"She mentioned classes or exams from time to time. And she was always carrying a book with her, taking the chance to read when there wasn't much work to do or sometimes before her shift started."

I smiled. That was my Bella.

"But after a while, she didn't bring any books along anymore. She started working more an more hours, sometimes even a double, and she's working full-time now. So I guess she's not going to college. That's not possible, with exams going on right know and everything."

I shot her an annoyed look, and she grinned, rinsing the ashtrays: "I'm maybe not studying, but this place is next to the university, and college isn't far away. I know the difference between semesters, terms and holidays after all these years. I can even tell the student's subjects by their orders." She pointed a long, red, fake fingernail at me: "I know you're no student. You're the working type. You're a man of action", she smiled.

I didn't say anything. I was thinking, watching the swirling water around Rebeccas hands that had turned black by now. So, Bella had left college, but not town. She hadn't gone back to Forks. Why? "Maybe she's on a break?" I reasoned.

"Maybe", Rebecca nodded. "Sometimes students take a break and work a few months in here. Studying is expensive, after all, and not all students are rich kids with rich mommy and daddy."

If I had been human, I would have blushed like Bella used to. I felt so ashamed thinking my little sister had to postpone a semester to earn some money for tuition while my family was drowning in it, spending it for stupid things like houses and cars and clothes and travelling.

"I don't know", Rebecca mused, "but I think she said something about a scholarship." No need to argue that Bella had a scholarship. She was bright, my little sister. Rebecca started drying the ashtrays, deep in thought. Then, she shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe she lost it."

Anger boiled deep inside me. "My little sister would never do ANYTHING to lose a scholarship", I bellowed. Rebecca's heartbeat didn't even stutter. She only quirked an eyebrow at me. I was quite impressed. Maybe all these years working in here had made her immune to strange "human" behavior.

"Your little sister?"

"Well… maybe we don't share DNA", I huffed, wondering why I told this fact to a complete stranger. It didn't matter if she was my biological sister or not. "I didn't do anything during the past three years to earn the title of a big brother. But she's definitely my little sister; I haven't seen her in a long time, and I'm worried. She looks so… sad", I choked. I fiddled with my shirt, totally lost. "I… just want to help", I whispered. "It's my duty", I added, too low for her to hear it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to help her", Rebecca apologized. "She doesn't like to talk. She avoids questions, closeness, teamwork. She doesn't want to meet us after work. She avoids even customers. Actually, she's one of the worst employees I ever had", she laughed, and I had some difficulties not to smash her into a fucking wall. How could she talk about Bella like that! I was sure my little sister did everything she could.

"She doesn't flirt, she doesn't talk, she trips every week and breaks some glasses", Rebecca smiled. "I think she's the clumsiest person I ever met." Yeah, that was my Bella. "She doesn't get tips, she drinks at work, and she breaks more glasses. She costs me a fortune. But…" she trailed off.

I sighed. So it wasn't only now and then she enjoyed a drink at work.

"I'm really sorry", Rebecca apologized again. I could see she really felt bad about it. "I can see when someone needs help. I've seen a lot of misery in here every day, after all. Maybe too much of it", she sighed. "I thought if I wouldn't press her, she would finally open up to me and talk about her issues. I was afraid I would scare her off and she would get into trouble. So I deciced to keep her, no matter what the others said. Actually, everyone likes her despite her difficulties with being a waitress."

"Is there a possibility she would get into trouble? What kind of trouble?" I had difficulties to keep my voice down.

"She drinks a lot, Emmett. My employees are aloud to have one or two drinks at work, and one or two while cleaning up. But she has several drinks. Every day. And I think she's drinking more at home after work. She looks like she doesn't sleep. She looks like she doesn't eat properly. I think she really needs help."

I didn't know what to say. We had totally fucked up. If we had stayed, maybe we could have prevented this.

"I mean, if you're really family… you should talk to her."

_Yeah._ "I don't think that's a good idea", I mumbled. "I would REALLY scare her away for good."

"Maybe my attempt was wrong, maybe I should have confronted her. Maybe I should have threatened to fire her if she doesn't stop drinking. Maybe I should have offered her to visit a support group or a therapist instead of letting her work all night shifts."

Maybe, yeah. "These are a helluva fucking lot of maybes, Rebecca", I sighed. I knew a lot about them.

*****

I waited near her apartment like some sick stalker. _Like Edward_. I cringed at the thought, but at the sime time I had to acknowledge why he had done it. He was drawn to her. He loved her. He wanted to protect her. And although I loved Bella in another way, I felt the same pull towards her.

After all I had heard from Rebecca, my little sister needed help. And I would help. I didn't know how and when and if I could help without being seen by her. But I would.

I knew I had promised not to interfere. But I couldn't just walk away. I was quite sure he wouldn't have approved me walking away when Bella went home last night. All alone and unprotected. He sure didn't want her getting robbed or molested by this stupid prick yesterday. And he sure hadn't meant me to walk away, knowing she was in trouble.

I would help her. And if he wanted to rip my limbs off afterwards, that would be fucking fine with me. I was already in full little-sister-protecting mode.

*****

After she had left for work, I tried the front door and found it unlocked. _Geez._ This girl had no sense of sanity left. I mean, this wasn't Forks. This was a fucking big, dangerous city.

The moment I stepped in, a cat bolted out of the window. Seriously? A cat? Too small and not really tasty. I chuckled to myself. _Way to go, Emmett, eating the cat of your baby sister. She will welcome you with open arms._

I looked around her room and saw how barren it was. It was like nobody was really living in here, more as someone had already packed his stuff for leaving soon. Even her smell seemed fragile, as if it didn't really belong here. Maybe she didn't spend much time in this apartment? Maybe she spent the nights with someone else?

I didn't know if this was a good sign. Of course it was good to know she had someone to spend her time with. On the other hand… _Yuck._ I didn't want to think about my baby sister in this way.

A laptop was on a small table, a pile of dust on it. A few pencils and notepads, also covered with dust. The bed looked old and wasn't made. There were no clothes lying around. There were no school books; no papers, files, no binders to be found. Nothing that indicated she was taking classes at college. In fact, there were no books at all and not even CD's. No flowers, no decorations, no magazines, no plushy animals, just none of this girlie stuff. I mean, even Rosalie had some knick-knacks in her room, and she wasn't into decorations like Alice. _That's weird._

The room looked… empty. Like some temporary room in a crappy motel. Maybe she wasn't really living here. But someone had to feed the cat regularly, right?

The bathroom was another mystery. It was old (who would have thought?), but so clean even I couldn't detect any signs of dirt or dust. You could have eaten from the floor (considering you were human and couldn't smell the faint lingering cleaning agent).

The fridge was empty. I couldn't remember much of my human days, but I knew this wasn't a healthy diet. There was only rotten smelling pasta left and a bottle of water. I opened the cupboards, and there was this big NOTHING. A few cups and plates and glasses, but no food at all.

Maybe this wasn't even her apartment? Maybe she was only cat-sitting for a friend who had gone on a vacation or was taking classes for a few weeks in another country? That meant she would come here twice a day to feed the cat, but she wouldn't live here. Maybe she had been crying because she was exhausted with college, this job and her duties for this friend with all the exams coming up?

I hoped it was something like this, but deep down, I knew it wasn't true. We had totally fucked up.

*****

I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see her. Now.

After pacing around for an hour, I almost raced to the bar. I didn't know what I would say or do. Should I just watch her? Should I just go in there and ask if she had some spare minutes for her big brother she hadn't seen in almost three years because he had disappeared without even saying goodbye? _Yeah, great idea._

Fate made the decision for me.

I spotted her immediately by following her scent. I could only wonder why I didn't manage that the night before. Maybe my vampire abilities had vanished over the years of grieving like Alice's gift.

She was delivering beer to a customer, and the same moment she turned to leave, he touched her. He fucking TOUCHED her. And instead of apologizing, leaving and never coming back, they just laughed.

_What. The. Fuck._ I wanted to torture him and his friends for long, painful hours. My vision turned red.

"Don't. Touch. Her", I growled. It wasn't loud, but enough to scare them off forever. It was also enough to scare her off.

She looked like a deer in headlights. A trapped animal. She was frozen for several seconds, not breathing at all, and getting paler by the minute. Then, she started blinking several times as if she didn't trust her eyes. She was shaking, but still not breathing. Drops of sweat was building on her forehead, hear heart crashing in her chest.

She was going to faint.

"Bella, breathe", I ordered.

She gulped some air. Her metallic tray shattered down to the floor. Then she turned and ran off.

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**Reviews are better than Emmett saving Bella from nasty guys again.**

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**Coming up next: Bella's POV  
**I felt his cool, marble arms around my waist and his cold breath on my neck. I sighed and smiled. I knew deep down it was a dream, but it felt so good. It's been a long time I felt this way. "Don't leave me", I mumbled before I fell asleep again.


	8. Chapter 8 Crossing Paths

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update. I had a lot of work to do and there was a death in my family.

*****

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. And I don't like cold showers. I'm still freezing when other people are walking around in shirts and shorts.**

*****

**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV.  
**"Don't. Touch. Her", I growled. It wasn't loud, but enough to scare them off forever. It was also enough to scare her off.

*****

**Chapter 8 – (Crossing Paths)**

**BPOV**

Now, it was official. I wasn't going crazy. I already was.

I had illusions, I had hallucinations, I had some weird emotional breakdown once or twice a week, panic attacks, serious cases of sobbing every day. I was drinking way too much, numbing the pain in my heart, trying to forget, but hating myself for bringing me back into the zombie state, terrified to forget anything about HIM.

I didn't want to forget. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to feel. I didn't want to feel. I was a walking contradictory.

I didn't know what I really wanted, so I tried to do it and avoid it at the same time. No wonder I was _dazed and confused._

No wonder I didn't know myself anymore. No wonder I thought I was crazy.

I didn't sleep to avoid nightmares, yet I craved for sleeping pills every night because I was not only tired, but exhausted. I was talking constantly to myself while avoiding talking to other people. Not a good sign.

I was sitting fully clothed in my shower, my apron still around my slim hips, totally soaked thanks to the cold water crashing down at me from above, curled up in a ball, gasping for air, doing a mental list of my crazy habits. Not a good sign at all.

I was in serious trouble.

I had been in serious trouble for a while now. I knew deep down I was depressed and broken, but I had always thought I could still make it, that I still could manage to play along for Charlie.

Now, I wasn't so sure about it. And I really didn't know what to do.

I could go on like this until Rebecca fired me. Hell, I had run out from work today without telling her. Maybe she already had fired me. I wouldn't even be surprised, I had done enough to earn it. I had run away from something that wasn't even there after yelling at a regular. She had warned me to behave.

I had been lucky I used to carry around my keys in my back pocket and not in my purse. Because my purse was still in my locker in the changing room. I would have to go back for it tomorrow. What a shame. She would fire me in front of everyone.

Losing the job was fine by me. It was a miracle I was still working there. But I didn't have much money left. I would have to go home. But… I didn't really have a home. And I wasn't ready to face Charlie yet.

I could go on like this until I did something really stupid and was put behind bars or in a straight jacket. That would kill Charlie.

I could take some more sessions with a therapist, but this wouldn't get me anywhere. I had already tried that. As long as I couldn't talk truly and open about what had happened, it was fruitless. And to be honest, I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to deny it, to shove it back in some unconscious part of my brain. Talking about it wouldn't change it. It would make it real and unchangeable. It would hurt.

I couldn't remember at what point I had started crying and sobbing.

*****

It took me some time to realize I wasn't only tired, but freezing.

After I had managed to get up, shivering and with chattering teeth, dropping rivulets of cold water, I turned off the shower and started undressing, which was quite difficult, considering my shaking. Everything clung tightly to my body, and I had no strength left to untie the knot of my apron. I fumbled several minutes until I managed to yank it off. I dropped the wet clothes unceremoniously on the tiles and stepped out of the shower, not bothering to pick them up.

As I wrapped myself in the still slightly damp towel, I catched a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My lips were blue. And I had no clue how to get rid of the cold.

I had no alcohol left. There was no way to take a hot shower. I would have to wait for hours to catch four minutes of lukewarm water. _Silly Bella_, I chided myself. No, I had been definitely stupid. There was no other possibility to get warm than put on my softest pyjama and hide myself under my comforter.

I was so freezing I couldn't stop shivering and made the whole bed shaking like there was an earthquake going on. Which wasn't that bad since it helped me not falling asleep. It just made me a bit dizzy.

But I couldn't deny the fact I just wanted to sleep. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept properly in years. I just wanted to have a normal 8-hours-sleep without nightmares like everyone else. I wanted Edward to help falling asleep, holding me in his arms, whispering his love in my ear and humming me to sleep. I wanted Edward.

But I never get what I want.

I wouldn't get the real, beautiful vampire Edward. The least I could do was trying to get some sleep with the help of a little round, white Edward.

I barely registered the hissing of a cat as I spiraled towards a black abyss.

*****

I must have fallen asleep. I felt his marble arms around my waist and his cool breath on my neck. I felt a cold hand tucking gently a strand of hair behind my left ear. I sighed and smiled. I knew deep down it was a dream, but it felt so good. I had always thought sleeping pills would prevent you from dreaming. I frowned. There was something strange going on, but I couldn't put a finger on it.

I didn't care. This was heaven. I could feel a smile on my lips. It's been a long time I felt this way. "Don't leave me", I mumbled before I fell asleep again.**EmPOV**

I had expected her to yell at me. I had expected her to scream at me. I had expected her to shout at me. To threaten me. To tell me to move my sorry ass out of her workplace and fucking never come back. But I had never expected her to run off, totally scared.

If that hadn't been my little sister, it would have been freaking funny. But this wasn't funny. In all the time we had together, she had never been scared of anyone of us. She had never been intimidated by me. Hell, she even had to go to fight James on her own.

After a ten seconds delay of unuseful thinking, I bolted after her, not caring about human speed.

*****

She was running without looking back. Her hair was fluttering in the wind, and she reached the building without even stumbling once. She looked wild and beautiful, but scared as hell and as if she was chasing after a ghost.

I didn't stop her. I just wanted to make sure she was going home or to her friend's apartment and not running away or doing something stupid.

Maybe that wasn't the best idea, I knew. But I still didn't know what to say to her. I used to know how to handle Bella. I could have handled a yelling and swearing Bella. But I didn't know how to handle THIS Bella.

She was so scared of me. Why? Should I approach her now? Should I have let her deal with this stupid prick alone? Should I have stopped her from running? _Damn_. I really was useless. I was standing outside of the apartment doing NOTHING. I just fucking didn't know. I had never been the one to handle all this emotional girlie stuff. Where was Jasper when you needed him?

I could hear her rummaging inside. I could hear glass shattering. _Holy shit!_ What was Bella doing? I couldn't smell any blood, but you never know.

I bolted down the stairs like a flash of light, around the building, up the metallic staircase to her window. It didn't take me more than two seconds.

I had been right. It wasn't closed. She had left it open, probably for the cat. I was happy Esme couldn't hear me swearing right know. It was nothing a lady should ever have to hear. And I was quite sure she would have grounded my sorry ass for this.

_But really, Bella!_ I chided my little sister mentally. _This is really dangerous!_

I fluidly stepped over the windowsill, careful not to hit my body anywhere nor stepping into the cat food. I even made sure to check twice the cat wasn't in here. Cats had some kind of sixth sense when it came to vampires. Didn't want to accidentally destroy something or kill the cat.

I could hear the shower running. And I could tell Bella was really upset. And by that, I mean REALLY upset.

I sighed.

Of course I had known she wouldn't greet me with open arms. But deep inside I had still hoped she would be at least mildly happy to see me.

I knew she was unhappy. I knew she was in trouble. But know I started to think I made everything worse.

I took in the surroundings of the apartment. Nothing had changed besides the broken glass all over the floor. _Hm._ Maybe she tripped over something. Very Bella-like. At least she wasn't hurt physically.

I made sure the door of the apartment wasn't locked. I still hadn't decided what to do. I was ready to disappear in a flash if I had to.

*****

I waited for over an hour, hidden in the darkest corner of the kitchen. I was getting uneasy. I would have checked on her if I hadn't known she was still in there – thanks to the erratic heartbeat, her sobbing and chattering teeth.

Finally, Bella stumbled out, only clothed in a towel, her wet hair clinging to her head.

She didn't even notice me.

I averted my eyes as she fumbled in her dresser, and only seconds later I could hear a wet towel being dropped onto the floor and the rustling of clothes being put on.

_Ups._ I really should have left. What was I doing in here, waiting in the same room my sister was changing clothes? But I had to be sure she was okay.

*****

I waited for another hour in the dark while Bella's little body was shaking and shivering so much her bed was moving. But her breathing never slowed down. At first, I thought it was because she felt cold, but then I realized she tried to stay awake.

_Damn._ If Edward hadn't fucked up, I would just go over there, grab my little sister and bring her to a place where she could warm up and get some real nourishing food. After that, I would tuck her in bed and staying at her side until she fell asleep. I would make sure she slept for full eight or nine hours like every little human sister should.

But who was I kidding? It wasn't Edward's fault I couldn't drag my sorry ass to my little sister and help her out of this trouble. It wasn't Edwards fault I was totally clueless about right and wrong. It wasn't his fault I still didn't fucking know what to do. It wasn't his fault I was such a coward.

Thanks to me wallowing in self-pity, I already missed the rising in Bella's heartrate and her breathing getting laboured. At first I thought she had fallen asleep and was dreaming, but then I could see her eyes were still open, fixed on the ceiling, clutching the shabby comforter for dear life. I furrowed my brows, puzzled. She was panicking and I had no fucking clue why. She didn't fell asleep the whole time I had been there. And I couldn't see anything on the ceiling to freak her out. There wasn't even a spider up there (human girls were afraid of spiders, right?).

Suddenly, she struggled the comforter away, flung herself out of the bed, cutting her feet open as she stepped on the glass on the floor, but not hesitating a second, instead flying towards her bathroom. I stopped breathing as the scent of her blood hit me.

I could hear her rummaging through the cabinet, things flying everywhere. Then, everything stopped.

After a few seconds, she padded back towards her bed, leaving bloody footprints behind. She crawled back under her comforter, curling herself into a ball, and was asleep in two minutes.

At the same moment, a reddish-brown cat made her appearance through the window.

*****

I had always thought Edward was a bit crazy. I used to make fun of him stalking Bella every night in her bedroom, watching her sleep. I had made a lot of jokes about a creepy, drooling and aroused Edward, ogling over a half-naked Bella while she was unconscious. What he fucking didn't like, of course. Maybe because it was true? The teasing ended in a few awesome fights before he started to pretend he wasn't there every night. But we knew, because her scent was all over him when he came back in the morning to change his clothes and get ready for school.

Later, I could see why he wanted to watch her. It was really fascinating, almost more interesting than watching TV (and that means something to me!). Of course I've already seen people asleep. They fall asleep all the time. I never took the time to watch them more than a few seconds. But I took the time to watch my little human sister.

Bella was really special, even in her sleep. Dreaming, she acted like she was awake. Her face did all the tiny movements that made her so pretty. She pouted, she smiled, she sighed, she frowned. It was really cute, like watching kittens dreaming about chasing mice. I was pretty sure if she ever started sleepwalking, she would trip and stumble like she did it while being awake.

Thinking about past times, I noticed that I wasn't any better than Edward: I treated humans like lab rats. I watched them while they didn't notice, doing mental notes about their behaviour.

I wouldn't do that to Bella.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I would stop hiding. Tomorrow, I would make myself visible.

*****

**Reviews are better than Bella dreaming happily of Edward.**

*****

**Coming up next: Bella's POV.**

I woke up from something tickling my nose. I peeked one eye open, just to see a furry ass only inches from my face. _Damn cat._ I muttered something intelligible while sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

*****

**The difference between hallucinations and illusions:**

A **hallucination** is a perception or distortion of the senses in the absence of a stimulus. For example if Bella sees Edward sitting in her rocking chair, but actually nobody or nothing is sitting in it. Hallucinations can occur in any sensory modality (visual, auditory, olfactory, gustatory, tactile, nociceptive etc.). Some hallucinations are quite common while falling asleep or waking up, but some are associated with drug use, psychosis, neurological disorders or sleep deprivation.

An** illusion **is a distortion of the senses when a stimulus is present. So an illusion describes a misinterpretation of a true sensation. For example if Bella sees Edward sitting in her rocking chair, but it's actually Emmett or someone else. Or if Emmett sees Bella in a petite brunette over there, but it's a complete stranger. Illusions are quite common, but some illusions occur as result of an illness or a mental disorder.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update my last chapter. In the meantime, I was working at chapter 9 and 10. So I guess I don't have to be too sorry ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *argh*. **

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**Recently in After Dark: EmPOV  
**I wouldn't do that to Bella. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I would stop hiding. Tomorrow, I would make myself visible.

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**Chapter 9 – (untitled) – Bella's POV**

I woke up from something tickling my nose. I peeked one eye open, just to see a bronze furry ass only inches from my face. _Damn cat._ I muttered something unintelligible while sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

She didn't care and continued clawing my tighs through the comforter. "Get off me", I muttered, shooing her away. She really should know by now I was grumpy in the morning.

As my feet hit the ground, a sharp pain shot up my legs and I winced, falling back on my bed. That really hurt. I checked my feet.

They were bandaged almost professionally.

_Glass._ Something about glass.

But as my eyes searched the floor, I couldn't see anything to prove my angry outburst. Kitty was sitting there, waiting expectantly for food. Even she wasn't stupid enough to sit happily in shards.

_Wow._ I couldn't even remember cleaning up or bandaging myself. I was quite impressed I had managed these tasks fully tanked.

Then I did remember I hadn't been that drunk when I came back this morning. That I quit working way too early.

Then I remembered that I hadn't been stumbling and swaying, but running home, holding up my apron like some gothic princess, totally dressed in black, so I wouldn't step on it.

And then I remembered what I had run from.

A wave of dizziness hit me and I smacked my face, punishing my stupidity. I had been running from a ghost. A hallucination. An illusion. A nice customer who had just wanted to help me. Whatever.

I had freaked out in front of my colleagues and regular customers.

I had left the bar in the middle of my shift without telling anyone, although I was quite sure Thomas had seen me leaving. I had left my jacket and my purse in the locker. Almost all my belongings were in this locker at my workplace – which I probably even didn't have anymore.

_Great. This is really great._ I had outdone myself this time.

I limped to the kitchen to get some cat's food. The cat didn't make the task easier, rubbing herself against my legs while I tried to keep my balance on my bandaged toes.

As I limped back to put the food away, my eyes fell on my table. There stood my purse, and my jacket was hanging over the chair. I checked the contents and sighed happily as I found my wallet and my cell phone. I had seven missed calls and four text messages, all from Rebecca. I didn't dare to check them. I couldn't stand yelling before lunch time.

I checked the time and frowned. Lunch time was already over. And I was hungry.

I opened my wallet, already knowing I wouldn't find anything interesting in there. I was in serious need of some food.

I made my way to the fridge, bracing myself against the disappointed feeling I would get opening it. What would make my stomach happier, pasta leftovers from Thursday, watery orange juice or still water?

I opened the fridge, peeked inside and shut it immediately, blinking furiously. I checked my breath by blowing some air into my hands and sniffing it. No alcohol. So I wasn't drunk. Maybe I was on drugs? Maybe I was hallucinating again?

I opened the door again, my mouth watering at the sight. My fridge was fully stocked on – everything. Meat, fruits, vegetables, juice, soda, salad, eggs, milk. Just EVERYTHING.

I must have been suffering some serious case of amnesia. I couldn't remember hurting and bandaging myself. I couldn't remember cleaning up the mess. I couldn't remember going grocery shopping. My mind was totally blank. And besides my stinging feet and the rumbling stomach, I felt great. Like I had enjoyed long hours of sleep.

I opened the cupboards and was surprised to find them also fully stocked with pasta, rice, tea, canned food and even some goodies for Kitty.

_Holy crow! What's going on?_ Was this some kind of sick joke?

Maybe I had lost some days and my body had been working on autopilot. Maybe I was back in my zombie state. Maybe I had tripped at work again and come out with some severe head trauma. Maybe my short-term memory was damaged for good now. Maybe Renee had visited me, but thanks to my brain damage, I forgot all of it. Maybe this was some strange flashback from my last trip. Maybe I had overdosed on my little yellow pills. Maybe I had been drinking so much the last few days I had finally passed out. Maybe this wasn't real. Maybe I was just dreaming while lying in my own vomit. Wouldn't be the first time.

I shuddered.

My stomach rumbled again. _Hungry_. No way I was going to waste this food in front of me, no matter if it was real or not.

*****

After eating a large meal that consisted of breakfast, lunch and dinner at once, I leaned back and patted my stomach, sighing happily. It almost hurt, I was so full. I wasn't used eating these large amounts of food.

I noticed my brain was working much better now. The fact that I couldn't find anything alcoholic in the house disappointed me, but led me to the conclusion I haven't been the one doing the shopping. Of course not. My paycheck wasn't due until next week and I still had to pay my rent for this month.

I didn't have much contact to other people. The only possibility was Rebecca. Maybe she had been so angry she came over to tell me I was fired in person. Then she had found me unconscious on the floor or sleeping in the bathroom, or – how embarrassing – hanging over the toilet. Maybe she had shoved me back to bed and went to get some food so she wouldn't feel too bad when she was coming back to tell me a second time I was fired, only this time I was able to get the message.

This was bad.

I grabbed my cell and checked the messages. They were all filled with worries and questions. No angry yelling, almost no f-word and no mentioning of firing me.

Hm. Interesting._ And honestly, I couldn't imagine her getting me off the floor and bandaging my cuts. She just wasn't the motherly helping type._

Deep in thought, I scratched my left foot and noticed some blood had leaked through the gauzes.

I would have to take care of it.

*****

I felt still good, but already tired again as I limped out of the bathroom in my nice and shiny bandages, grabbing my cell from the table, heading towards the bed and sitting down.

_Wow._ I had been awake for three hours now and I was ready to fall asleep again. _Weird._

The idea of a short nap was really tempting. But life is a bitch, and I didn't believe I would be so lucky to get another few hours of satisfying sleep.

Not to forget I had to visit Rebecca to apologize for my rude behavior and to beg her not to fire me. _Hm_. Would she be flattered if I just fell on my knees in front of her? Should I call her at home? Or should I just start my shift tonight as if nothing had happened?

I sighed. Maybe I just should text her to say I was sick. I wouldn't even have to lie much. I mean, it would be a bit difficult to work with my feet cut open and all.

My eyes fell on my cell phone. I had a new text message.

_Hope you liked the food. Already told your boss you're not coming to work. Stay home, I'll come over at 8. Em. _

_What the…?_ I dropped the cell as if I had been burnt by it. My hands were shaking. I took a deep breath, then another one, and another one, trying to calm down. _Everything's fine,_ I assured myself, rubbing my temples. _Everything's fine. Just a stupid joke. _Or a mistake. Maybe some Emily girl had sent the message to the wrong number.

_Everything's fine,_ I chanted. But I didn't feel fine. I felt awful. My head was pounding and my stomach felt I felt suddenly hot and dizzy.

I almost didn't make it to the toilet.

*****

I paced in circles, not stopping as I started to feel a little dizzy. I swear if I would do this for another few hours, you would see a faint imprint on the floor. But I didn't stop.

I had actually considered running away, but assured myself I was behaving ridiculously. Nothing was going to happen. No one would show up. I had received a text message that wasn't meant for me. Just coincidence. By the way, running away would get a bit complicated, even if I had to.

At 8pm sharp, there was a knock at my door. I ignored it, pacing further. Must have been someone knocking at the wrong door for the wrong apartment.

Then, it knocked again. "Bella, open the door. I know you're in here", a deep, velvety voice spoke.

I froze for a few seconds before I got in motion again. _I'm not here,_ I chanted, pacing back and forth like an animal in a cage. _I'm not here._

"Stop walking around, you will hurt your feet", he chided me.

_I'm not here,_ I chanted, frozen in place, my eyes closed, covering my ears like children do pretending something's not there when you can't hear or you can't see it.

"I know you're in there. I can hear your breathing", the smooth voice informed me.

I stopped it.

"Erm… I can still hear you heartbeat?" He sounded annoyed.

Well, that was going to be a bit difficult.

Suddenly, my door burst open. "Would you please stop this crap?" a loud voice boomed all over the room.

I wanted to run and lock myself in the bathroom, but I couldn't move. It was really him. He was there. Was he? Or not? I couldn't stop staring. He looked so… real. I almost wanted to touch him to see what would happen. Maybe he would vanish into smoke? Or disappear with a loud popping noise?

He still looked stunning. Every detail was as perfect as I remembered. There were his familiar broad shoulders. There was his familiar brown, curly hair. He hadn't changed one bit. Although… there was this foreign expression on his face, a sternness I couldn't remember. And I couldn't stop staring at him.

"Say something", he said, almost begging.

"I'm not talking to you", I stuttered.

"What?"

"You're not… real."

"Of course I'm real!" He looked furious.

"You're just in illusion or something. Maybe you are a hallucination. Or I'm delusional. Whatever. You're not there." I shook my head. This wasn't making any sense.

"What??"

"Just… go", I shooed him away with a flick of my wrist like you want to get rid of some annoying mosquitoes.

"You're unbelieveable", he chuckled, coming towards me.

"No", I said. "Go away!" I felt myself panicking again.

"Bella", he said, hesitantly moving forward.

My eyes darted between the bathroom and the front door. I could still make it if I started running.

Suddenly, something big was hugging me, lifting me off my feet and squeezing the life out of me. I couldn't breathe.

"Bella! You don't know how much I missed you!" he sighed happily, spinning me around like a child.

_Oh crap._ Now I really had to admit myself to a mental hospital. I had severe visual, auditory AND tactile hallucinations. "Can't… breathe", I choked out before I started laughing manically while tears were flowing over my cheeks. It felt weird being hugged, even if it wasn't real. Outside of customers bumping accidentally into me, I hadn't made physical contact with other humans – well, other beings – in months. I couldn't even remember the last time I had shaken hands with someone. It felt… nice. It felt weird. I felt weird. Actually, the laughter was slowly turning into heartwrenching sobs. _Oh crap._ Could it get any worse?

Finally he released me gently, his gaze probing. "You okay?"

Why wouldn't I be okay? Everything was great. I was crazy. I wasn't only seeing vampire ex-boyfriends in random guys crossing my way, but also hallucinating ex-brothers visiting me at home. And I was actually talking to them. Well, if you're already crazy, then the last what you can do is doing it right. _Right?_ "Not really. Actually, I think I'm coming down with something", I sniffled. _Ha! That's the understatement of the year! It even may be incurable._

"You look… pale. And unhealthily thin", his eyes trailed over my body. "You lost a lot of weight. Did you eat something today?"

_Great._ I'm hallucinating my former big brother I haven't seen in three years visiting me, and all he can do is criticizing my look and my diet?

"I… I need to go to work", I stuttered, fishing for a pair of socks in my drawer, averting his gaze. It made me nervous, these piercing golden eyes.

"You don't have to. I already told Rebecca you're not coming to work the next two days."

_Great._ It's not like I really needed the money. I was fuming. I sat down on my bed, carefully pulling on my socks. Maybe if I ignored him, he would go away?

He seemed to sense I was pissed. Of course he would sense it. He and his stupid perfect senses. "I'm sorry I interfered", he apologized.

I stopped fiddling with my socks and looked up, surprised. A Cullen apologizing in front of me? And not even the one I wanted to apologize?

"It's just… you can't work like this", he gestured at my feet. "And… you were bleeding… so… and… there was no food in the fridge, so… and… I couldn't leave the mess on the floor, right? You could have… hurt yourself in the morning… and the cat… could have been hurt… there was glass everywhere… and…" He stopped.

_Whoa._ I had never seem Emmett so lost on words while actually saying so many of it. He was stuttering. My former overconfident vampire brother was stuttering. This was new.

_Ok._ Although the fact that Emmett still looked the same age kind of confirmed my theory of hallucinating, the fact he was stuttering didn't. I mean, vampires are perfect. I remembered them perfect. I wanted them back as perfect as I remembered them.

_Damn._ It seemed it was really him.

I noticed my hands were shaking slightly. I've always dreamed about getting them back. But I had never thought this would really happen. Wow. I couldn't think properly. I had always dreamed about it. Not it was happening and I wasn't prepared at all. I always wanted them to come back. Now they were back. And I didn't know if I really wanted them to be back or not. Because they would regret their decision to come back. They would be disgusted with me. They would leave as soon as possible.

I needed a drink. Now.

I grabbed my purse and my jacket. "Let's go", I said, dangling my keys.

"What?" he asked, looking confused.

"We're going out."

"Dressed like that?" he pointed at me.

"What's wrong with my appearance?" I growled. _Not good enough after spending all these years with your beautiful vampire family and an even more beautiful, irresistible vampire girlfriend?_

"I don't know. Maybe you should put on some shoes?" he chuckled.

_Great._ We had been reunited for five minutes and he was already laughing at my stupidity. _Some things never change._ But I had to admit he waited patiently as I akwardly pulled on my converse. It really hurt. But he never offered me any help nor did he try to lecture me about throwing glasses around.

The moment I had locked the door, he took the keys. "By the way, I'm driving", he grinned. Some things really never change.

*****

I was sitting in my favorite place, enjoying the cold, sweet burning liquid one after one. Every time I tossed a shot, I closed my eyes for a few seconds, feeling the fire trailing down and making me a bit happier than before. But him being right next to me, watching me, was bothering me to no end.

"What?" I asked. His staring was unnerving. "Do you want me to stop?" He had no fucking right to interfere with my drinking habits. No way he would make me feel guilty about it. I hadn't eaten enough the last few days, and I didn't feel well today after my emotional breakdown the night before. The alcohol was hitting me harder than usual. _Great. More fun while drinking less._

"I'm not Edward", he mumbled, playing with the straw in the cocktail he would never drink.

The pain shot right through my heart. _Stupid prick,_ I thought. I had succeeded not to think of him all day, and now he had ruined it. _Thanks, Emmett. Never mention the E-word._ It was forbidden territory.

Then I felt more pain as I realized how I wished HE was actually there. I didn't know how I would react when he would finally waltz in here.

Would I start hitting him, would I cry, would I beg him to take me back? Would he laugh at me and walk away, would he apologize what he had done to me and then walk away, would he tell me he had finally found his soulmate and walk away? Would I try to hold him back, clutching at his feet, lying on the floor, sobbing all the time? Would I jump him, peppering kisses on his jaw like I always dreamed about? Would he fight me off? Would he be disgusted with what I had become?

Either way, I would behave like a complete idiot, but I wouldn't care. I just wanted him to be here with me.

No, Emmett was definitely not like him. I was quite surprised he didn't rip my drink from my hands while yanking me home. HE would have done something like that.

"Of course not. If you were him, you would take my drink away while telling me off and then you would make me go home, tucking me in with a chaste goodnight kiss on my forehead. Because you always know what's best for me", I retorted.

We sat in silence after that. He was watching me intently all the time, but after a few more shots and drinks, I was getting easy. He didn't even try to stop me from drinking. _Strange._ Not that I cared. He could sit there and stare at me as long as he wanted. I wouldn't feel guilty for drinking. I would just pretend he wasn't here. The more I was drinking, the easier to ignore him. Maybe he would get bored and leave me alone?

But why was he here, anyway? Had he been looking for me? Where were the others? Had something happened? Was HE somewhere near? Had HE sent Emmett to look for me? Suddenly, I noticed the blood rushing in my ears. Maybe they were all here… of course they would be somewhere near. They were a happy family, always sticking together. But I wouldn't ask about them. They didn't want to see me anyway, otherwise they would have already shown up. So why was Emmett here?

"I was wondering… How did you find me? Where are the others? And why did you even look for me? It's not that I'm that important."

He sighed. "I didn't look for you. I just wanted to have a drink and came to your bar", he said.

"A drink", I chuckled. Then, it hit me. _I knew it! That son of a bitch! Oh, sorry Esme. No, not sorry Esme. You didn't look for me, either._ "You're the big, good looking guy with the Bloody Mary!" I almost yelled.

"I guess I am", he grinned, showing all his perfect teeth.

"Of course", I growled, turning back to my lovely drink. "First he's leaving me, then he's stalking me, then he's trying to lecture me, then he wants to hear how clever and sexy he is." I got angry. "Stalker tendencies and trying to make me a better human isn't sexy. He should have warned you."

"I didn't look for you, I swear. I just happened to… stumble over you."

_Oh great, guess that means you haven't missed me at all. Just like I thought._

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**Reviews are better than Bella thinking she suffered some severe head trauma.**

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**Although the fact that Emmett still looked the same age only confirmed my theory of hallucinating, the fact he was stuttering didn't.  
**Hallucinations of people rarely change. Normally, they look the same over years, the same you remember it when you saw them the last time. Of course this fact isn't helpful for Bella for theory testing since vampires don't change with age. For further explanations, you should watch "Beautiful Mind" with Russell Crowe.

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**Coming up next: Emmett's POV.  
**_"What?" she bellowed. "Do you want me to stop drinking?" she chuckled. _Of course I wanted her to stop. She was my little sister and drinking herself in a coma.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update my last chapter. In the meantime, I was working at chapter 11. Somehow this was easier to write. So I guess I don't have to be too sorry ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *argh*. It owns me totally, though. And I'm counting down the days 'til New Moon.**

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**Recently in After Dark: BPOV  
**Suddenly, something big was hugging me, lifting me off my feet and squeezing the life out of me. I couldn't breathe. "Bella! You don't know how much I missed you!" he sighed happily, spinning me around like a child. _Oh crap._ Now I really had to admit myself to a mental hospital. I had severe visual, auditory AND tactile hallucinations.

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**Chapter 10 – (untitled) – Emmett's POV**

This girl was unbelievable. After limping down five flights of stairs, refusing to let me help her, she still insisted on driving by herself.

After arguing for almost two minutes, I just grabbed her and shoved her into my jeep, strapping her in. She mumbled something about treating her like a baby, but I didn't react. Common, she could barely walk without pain. No need to play the strong, independent woman.

She gave me directions to a really crappy bar outside of town.

"Do you come often out here?" I asked her, trying to hide my anger. This place was right next to the woods and miles away from the next town. I knew exactly what I would find in there: prostitutes, truckers, alcoholics and some creepy, random, horny old men. Or horny, creepy, alcoholic truckers. Not a place for my little sister if she wanted to go out. I chided myself not to have chosen a place to go. I should have brought her to a classy, expensive bar next to downtown with a nice view on the lake, clean toilettes, harmless guests and friendly waiters. After I had taken her to a nice restaurant to get some food in her. I didn't even know if she had eaten today. Typical. stupid me. I should have checked the fridge before we left. What a careful big brother I was.

"Not really", she answered, eager to go inside. Really informative.

She limped straightforward to the barkeeper and ordered five fucking plain vodka shots while climbing on a barstool. I mean, five! She would never make it out here while being conscious. Considering her luck, she would manage to pass out and fall from the stool she was sitting in only after her third shot. So, I would have to break my promise to not interfere again tonight.

I glanced angrily over the few customers in here, telling them silently to back off as they stared interested at Bella. Some of them seemed to recognize her. I had known it before entering. This place meant trouble.

I couldn't stop staring at her as she tossed the first shot with a grace only skilled drinkers possess. She didn't even grimace as the liquid hit her stomach. This wasn't a good sign.

The lights in here didn't do her any good. But it wasn't a fucking lighting problem. She was obviously malnourished. Her hair was thinner, duller and darker then I remembered. When I had seen her first at Rebecca's, I thought she had colored it, matching her clothes. But now I could see for sure it was still her own, natural hair. Only it seemed… kind of dead. Her lips were chapped as if she were biting them a lot. She was still pale, even paler than I remembered her last night. And she still looked exhausted although I knew she had had a healthy amount of sleep. I had been there the entire time. Maybe she was really coming down with something.

"What?" she bellowed. "Do you want me to stop?" she chuckled, tossing her third shot. She was still sitting upright.

Of course I wanted her to stop. She was my little sister and drinking herself into a coma. But there was no reasoning with her right now. And due to the fact we didn't take care of her the last fucking three years, I had no right to tell her to stop. I had no right to ask her to stop. I had no right to even fucking beg her to stop.

Of course, he would have. "I'm not Edward", I mumbled to myself, immediately understanding what this meant. I couldn't help her. I was her big brother and it was my job to fix her, but I couldn't. Only he could. All my brotherly affection and love towards her meant nothing. She needed Edward. But he refused to be with her. Everyone of us wanted to have her back in our family, but none of us would be able to really help her heal.

That seemed to amuse her, although she winced as I said his name. "Of course not", she grinned. "If you were him, you would take my drink away while telling me off and then you would make me go home, tucking me in with a chaste goodnight kiss on my forehead. Because you always know what's best for me", she said sarcastically and tossed another one.

We sat in silence after that. I didn't know what to say. She was angry. She was hurt. She was sad. And she was drinking a lot. I didn't want to upset her further, but I scowled at her as she shoved the empty glasses away and ordered a cocktail by snipping at the barkeeper.

I looked at her hunched form over the countertop. How a little, tiny human with her weight was still conscious after so many liquor, was beyond my imagination. She wasn't really drunk, but the liquor hadn't fully hit her bloodstream yet. She must have been quite used to drinking, and this fact scared me like hell.

Suddenly, she turned towards me. "I was wondering… How did you find me?" she asked. "Where are the others? And why did you even look for me? It's not that I'm that important", she scoffed.

I sighed. "I didn't look for you. I just wanted to have a drink and came to your bar", I said.

"A drink", she scoffed. Then, she tensed. "You're the big, good looking guy with the Bloody Mary!"

"I guess I am", I grinned.

"Of course", she mumbled, turning back. "First he's leaving me, then he's stalking me, then he's trying to lecture me, then he wants to hear how clever and sexy he is", she muttered. "Stalker tendencies and trying to make me a better human isn't sexy. He should have warned you."

_I'm sorry I left you,_ I apologized mentally to her. _And I'm trying my best not to lecture you. _"I didn't look for you, I swear. I just happened to… stumble over you." She looked hurt. I hesitated, knowing I had made a mistake saying it like that. "Actually, you found me. To be honest, your scent found me", I confessed.

Her eyebrows shot up.

"I was just sitting there, and then there was this amazing scent. I was almost scared I had found my singer and wanted to get the hell out of there. Then, you were right in front of me, and…" I trailed off.

"Traitor scent", she muttered. "Wait", she turned back towards me. "You think my scent is amazing?"

"Everyone thinks your scent is amazing, Bella." I mean, even Rosalie thought Bella smelled delicious – at least when she wasn't drunk – although she would never admit it.

"But you just said you have thought for a moment I'm your singer." _Oh crap._ I shouldn't have told her that. She smiled, then grinned. "You're disgusting", she giggled, swaying slightly on her barstool while dangling her feet like a child.

"That's not funny", I growled. Yes, it was disgusting. I was her big brother, after all. I should have recognized her smell and the drum of her heartbeat in less then a second, even before I went inside the bar. I should have recognized the moment I came near the college district. "I didn't recognize you at first. Your scent has changed", I defended myself.

"What?" she hissed. She suddenly looked scared. "Do I smell bad, I mean-"

"Of course you don't", I chuckled at her strange logic. "Your smell is still great, even if your hair is lingering with tobacco and sweaty humans after work." She shifted in her seat, and her pulse quickened a bit. I could tell she felt uneasy. _Good._ Maybe she would consider another career besides being a drunk waitress in a crappy bar? If she didn't, I would drag her to the nice lady in the guidance counselling office.

"Your smell is still great. It's just a bit… different. Like when you're changing one or two ingredients in a perfume?" I tried to explain. "It's the same perfume, just not exactly the same."

"Hm", she mumbled. "I changed my shampoo…"

"That's not it. Even with no shampoo at all, you would still smell like strawberries and flowers. I guess it's part of your blood."

She looked surprised. What, did she really think I didn't know she had used to wash her hair with a strawberry-scented shampoo? Common, I had perfect senses. Okay, almost perfect senses.

"But maybe…" She looked interested.

"I guess it's the alcohol. And the smoking", I grinned sarcastically.

"Don't even start", she hissed. "I'm old enough to decide what to drink. Or to smoke."

"Actually, you're not old enough", I hit the counter, trying not to show my anger too much. I could feel the stares of everyone else on me. Maybe they were hoping for a fight? I wouldn't mind if they weren't insignificant, breakable humans.

I was a bit stunned that she dared to glare angrily at me. "Don't look at me like that, I know exactly what date my little sister's birthday is", I hissed. "You're not 21 yet, and I'm quite sure you didn't start drinking just a few days ago. By the way, I'm wondering why this guy didn't even ask about your license", I fumed.

"Who cares", she mumbled. "And I'm not going to celebrate my birthday anyway, so I guess I will stay 20 forever. I told Charlie I have exams and a lot of work to do."

Staying the same age because you don't celebrate your birthday? That was fucking unlogical, human logic. And so Bella.

"How long have you been working in Rebecca's bar?"

"A few months", she said, sucking on the straw of her drink. "Why?"

"Actually, I'm quite surprised that there is someone who's not afraid to let you walk around with a tray of dangerous, breakable, precious glasses", I chuckled.

She tensed, and I knew I had fucked up again. _Damn._ I just remembered her of the Disastrous Broken Glassware Incident.

"Sorry", I mumbled, fiddling with my straw. "But… don't you have classes in the morning?"

"No."

"But… what do you do besides working?"

"I'm… hanging around?" She tensed when she noticed my angry stare. "You know, working up to ten hours straight in a bar where hundreds of drunk weirdos try to grab your ass is kind of tiring", she tried to argue. "I need some sleep during the day." It wasn't really convincing since she had slurred it a little.

"So, you're not going to college at all?" I asked in a disapprovingly tone. I already assumed she didn't go to college, but I wanted her to deny it, to tell me she had taken a semester off.

"No. College sucks", she stated, tossing the straw away and emptying her drink in one long sip. "It's a waste of time and money."

_Yeah._ College sucked. It sucked the same way highschool did. Especially when you had to repeat it over and over again. But still. She didn't need to know that.

I noticed then that the alcohol was hitting her bloodstream. It made her smell totally weird.

I patted her back in a brotherly manner. "I think we should get you home, Bella. Tomorrow is another day."

"I'm staying", she hissed, rubbing her eyes. "Don't you E… patronize me. And don't you touch me. And don't you call me Bella."

"Why?" I said, taken aback.

"Bella is for friends only. For people I like."

_Ouch._ That hurt.

"But… it doesn't matter anyway. There's no need for anyone to call me Bella."

"Why?" I asked, confused.

"Jesus, isn't it obvious?" she sneered. "I left my old life. I more or less left old, plain, boring Bella behind." She waved to the bartender to serve her some more vodka shots.

So, drunk, waitressing Bella living in a shithole was an improvement to her? "Great", I mumbled, too low for her ears, as the barkeeper arrived with a cheap bottle of vodka.

As he started to pour the first one, I held my hand over the still empty glasses. "I think we should stop here", I stated, looking intently into his eyes and flashing my teeth. _Do you get the fucking hint?_

"Oh, don't you worry, she can handle it", he laughed, shoving my hand away and filling the others. I boiled. _How fucking dare he? This is my little, underage sister you're filling up! _I wanted to rip his head off, but I didn't think it was a good idea to do it in front of her. I didn't want her to run away again. And I didn't want to cause a scene when Bella was involved. Who knew in what trouble she was already in.

"Cheers?" she grinned at me, holding her glass up as if she wanted to toast.

"Erm… no, thanks", I shuddered, remembering Bloody Mary.

"Loser", she chuckled, tossing it and slamming the glass back on the counter. I swear I could hear the glass crack.

"Ah", she smacked her lips, grabbing another one. "Come to mommy."

If this hadn't been my sister in front of me, I would have laughed uncontrollably. But this wasn't fucking funny at all. I knew if I had been human, she still would have drunken me under the table. This was horrible.

The barkeeper seemed to notice my disapproval. "Don't worry", he laughed. "She won't vomit all over your car. You can still take her home and… you know." And then… he winked at me. He fucking winked at me! Was it just me or were all bartenders in this city fucking crazy or suicidal?

I was boiling. Suddenly, everything was happening in slow motion while I tried not to burst.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see Bella tossing the last shot, and then throwing the empty glass over her right shoulder instead of putting it back on the counter.

I could hear it shattering to pieces.

I could hear the yelling of the bartender who was obviously not happy about it.

I could feel the stairs of everyone else in the room who had turned to watch the show, although they didn't seem surprised.

I could hear Bella giggling about how broken glassware meant luck – but mostly not for her.

I could see him leaning over the counter, hearing him whispering in her ear that he would put the glass on the list.

I could hear her breath hitching.

I could hear him asking if she already knew how she wanted to pay back the 300 dollar she still owned him.

I could hear him mumbling she should come back in two days when the real good stuff was arriving and that he had some ideas how she could pay this time. How she could pay all her bills at once.

That was it. I exploded.

With inhuman speed, I grabbed him by his neck and crushed his face on the counter, enjoying his attempts of holding back from wincing.

"Bella, we're leaving", I said. "Please wait outside for me."

I could tell she was pissed, but she obliged. She slid off the stool, hissing as her feet hit the ground. She was wavering a bit, struggling to get a hold on the bar. She grabbed her jacket and pulled it on with some difficulties. Then she started limping heavily towards the door, steading herself on the walls while everyone was staring after her.

As the door closed, I turned back to this asshole, pressing a little further. Tears of pain were flowing over his cheeks, and I was satisfied. Just a little more pressure, and he would sit in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

"By the way, drinks are on me", I said as I tossed 500 dollar on the counter." I leaned back into him, staring in his eyes, fletching my teeth and growling. "This means Bella's debts are zero now", I hissed. "And if you ever, ever threaten her again, or if you ever, ever give her anything to drink again, or if you ever, ever offer her any drugs again, I will know, and I'll come back. Do you understand me?"

He was too fucking scared to say anything.

"Do. You. Understand. Me?"

"Y… Yes", he stuttered, and I could smell he had just wet his pants.

"That's great", I grinned as I turned to leave.

*****

I was scared for just a seconds as I couldn't see Bella near the car. Then I heard her, very clearly. She was retching in the bushes next to the forest.

I sighed as I headed to her. I knew I should have stopped her sooner. I held her hair up as she started heaving again, patting awkwardly her back. I didn't remember anything of being sick. But it looked awful and pretty nasty. So I guessed she felt exactly the same it seemed to be. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"Go away! And don't call me Bella", she choked.

I sighed, watching in agony as she cleaned her lips with the right sleeve of her jacket while holding her stomach with her left arm.

"Common, I'll take you home", I mumbled.

"Leave me alone!" she yelled. Then she started sobbing and I was totally lost. Again.

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**Reviews are better than creepy bartenders offering disgusting ways of paying back your bills.**

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A/N: I am aware that Bella shouldn't know what a singer is. Edward explains it to her in Volterra after "visiting" Aro. But let's pretend he told her before while telling stories ;-).

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**Coming up next:  
**Her face had smoothed, all of her nightmarish terror erased. She sighed, snuggled deeper into the pillow and started mumbling in her sleep. It was only one word she repeated every now and then for the next few hours. "Edward."


	11. Chapter 11 Furious Beauty

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update. I'm working full time now, so no more writing at my workplace :-(. And I have been sick lately. AND then there was this glitch with the Document Manager.

**I still don't own Twilight *argh*. It owns me totally, though. And I'm still counting down the days 'til New Moon while rereading it (for the 5th time, I think).**

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**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV  
**I couldn't stop staring at her as she tossed the first shot with a grace only skilled drinkers possess. She didn't even grimace as the liquid hit her stomach. This wasn't a good sign.

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**Chapter 11 – (Furious Beauty)**

**BPOV**

It had been funny. It had almost felt normal, considering you could call it normal to sit in a bar with a vampire, having a chat and tossing a few shots.

But all the drinks couldn't shove away the fear. The agony. The panic.

Why was he here? Where were the others? Why was he lying? (Common, he went to Rebecca's bar to have a drink?) Why the hell would he do that? Was he spying on me? Had something happened to HIM? Had something happened to Rosalie? Were they making fun of me? How long had this been going on? Was this some kind of sick joke?

The importance of all these questions had been disappearing with every drop of heavenly liquid. I wasn't ready yet to ask any questions like this. To get answers to any of these questions. I was quite sure I wouldn't like the answers. So I kept drinking and forgetting.

But reality had suddenly hit me hard the moment Emmett attacked Ronnie. This was it. He just had witnessed what I had become. Everyone was going to know. Charlie would know. The Cullens would know. HE would know. And they would be so disappointed. Hell, I was disappointed. The only thing Edward ever had asked me for was being safe and to avoid doing anything reckless or stupid. And I had failed. Properly failed. I had done reckless and stupid things on purpose and now he wouldn't just be disappointed. He would hate me. They all would hate me.

I was almost happy that Emmett wanted me to leave, although I tried not to show it. There were so many different emotions in me, and I felt weird and confused and angry at myself I couldn't just act normally around him, untouched by his presence. Although… I didn't really remember what my normal behavior used to be.

Closing my eyes, I had concentrated on taking deep breaths while feeling my way along the walls. I had already known I would have had to go out of here pretty soon anyway. I had been so dizzy, my head spinning so I had been constantly trying to fight back the waves of nausea. No way I was going to throw up in here, in front of him. In front of everyone else. No way I was hiding in the toilet. I knew he would hear it with his stupid perfect hearing.

The cold air had hit me, and immediately I had felt a bit better. A little bit. For about ten seconds.

I had rushed towards the forest, but I hadn't made it far before the heaving started.

For a moment, I really had considered running away. But with my feet, my current state of intoxication and an angry vampire behind me, it would have been pointless.

I felt so stupid and ashamed, retching in the bushes like some college girl drinking too much at her first frat party, making it a disgusting, theatratical show in front of everyone else. Or at least in front of my former brother.

"Bella? Are you okay?" I could hear Emmett's smooth voice, but it sounded very far away, which was odd since I knew Emmett wasn't the mumbling and whispering type. As much as I remembered, he preferred yelling and shouting and I was glad he decided against it.

I shook my head slightly, which didn't seem to be the best idea. I took a few more deep breaths, hoping the dizziness would go away. It seemed I had been drinking too much tonight, which annoyed and confused me, since I used to drink much more and handling it without vomiting so early in the evening.

He was actually really sweet, holding my hair up and everything, but I didn't need his pity. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want his touch. I wanted him to go away. I wanted him to leave me alone. I was beyond broken, and it was my fault. I didn't want his comfort. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve him being here, helping me. I didn't deserve anyone. And I didn't know if I could handle his departure – because I still didn't know why he was here, why he had stayed here, and I knew he wanted to leave soon, and right now, he was my only connection to… HIM.

The pain in my chest was overwhelming, and it made me almost double over, pulling me under.

"Common, I'll take you home", he said, ignoring my resistance. I flinched from his touch. I couldn't stand his hands on my back, trying awkwardly to soothe me. His cold hands reminded me of HIM. The awkwardness of the situation reminded me of Charlie. I missed them so much. I missed them so much it really hurt.

Even the yelling and threatening didn't scare him away; didn't stop him. Suddenly, I found myself floating in the air, the world turned upside down.

"Let go of me, caveman!" I yelled. He was hauling me back to the jeep, but instead of dragging me by my hair like some macho from the stone age, he had thrown me over his shoulder. Sometimes, he wasn't thinking at all, my former big, overprotective brother.

"We're going home", he insisted. I didn't want to argue the point of going home, but…

After dry heaving for two more minutes, holding onto Ronnie's car, Emmett placed me carefully in his jeep, buckling my seatbelt and cleaning me up while mumbling all the time.

I felt beyond embarassed, but I felt so sick and dizzy I wasn't even able to blush at the thought of Emmett cleaning me up with a napkin. I tried to focus, but I couldn't follow him. I tried to concentrate on his lips, but the movement didn't help me with recognizing any words. The only sound I could hear was the blood rushing in my ears, and my eyes felt heavy.

The next thing I knew, Emmett was in the driver's seat, heading towards the highway. I felt myself nodding off again, but struggled to stay awake. Who knew where we were going. I could tell he was pissed, and I knew it was my fault. He knew about Ronnie. He knew about my debts. He knew about the drugs. He knew about the alcohol. No way I was going back to sleep. Maybe he would drop me off in Forks at Charlie's door and drive away, leaving me behind?

"Go back to sleep, Bella", he sighed. "I think I'm capable of finding the way back to your apartment."

"Don't call me Bella", I slurred, already sinking back into blissful unconsciousness. _Don't leave._

I must have fallen asleep. Or maybe I was still asleep. There was an unpleasant buzzing in my feet, but I felt myself floating in the air. At least I wasn't upside down this time.

"Shhhhh, go back to sleep", he whispered in my ear. I noticed we were right in front of my door and suddenly we were inside. I think I was asleep again before my head hit the pillow.

**EmPOV**

"No", she whispered.

"What?" I asked, concerned.

"Don't close the window", she mumbled, already half-asleep again.

"I don't want you catching a cold, Bella", I tried to convince her. It wasn't summer anymore and she hadn't been feeling well the whole day.

"But it has to stay open", she mumbled. "He can't come in when it's closed."

"Don't worry, if your cat comes tapping at the window looking for food, I will open it", I assured her. But I knew the cat would never come back in here as long I was inside. And I wasn't really sure she had actually meant the cat.

It took her one hour before the mumbling began. I knew she talked in her sleep, of course. Everyone in the family knew. And I had witnessed it several times.

She wasn't making any sense. She was talking about bunnies and wolves, tossing and turning, and I had to smile every once in a while. Until a high-pitched scream pierced the air.

"Bella? Bella, what's wrong?" I asked frantically while flying to her and kneeling in front of her bed, cupping her cheeks. Was she hurt? Her heart was racing, and she was panting heavy as if in pain.

"No, no, no", she pleaded. "Don't go away", she sobbed.

"I'm not going anywhere", I said, confused.

"Don't go", she sobbed. "Please! Come back! I need you!"

I noticed then she was dreaming, trying to climb out of the bed while still asleep. Sleepwalking Bella? Fucking bad idea. "I'm here, Bella", I whispered, placing myself behind her on the bed and hugging her softly, but still firmly so she wouldn't start wandering around with her feet and all. They weren't healed yet. Not to forget her clumsiness. Maybe she would try to climb out of the fucking window, considering her luck and lack of self-preserving.

"Don't go away", she pleaded, still trying to wriggle out of my grip. "I'm not going anywhere, I swear, Bella", I assured her, patting her arm, and she told me she had been missing me. _What the…?_ I mean, she was my sister and all, but this was fucking awkward. She sighed contently and became finally still and relaxed.

After another minute, her face had smoothed, all of her nightmarish terror erased. Her breathing was back to normal, even slowing a bit as she sank further down into her slumber. She sighed again and snuggled deeper into me, which was even more awkward. Every time I retreated a bit to give her some room, she inched her way back into my cold, marble chest. This couldn't be comfortable at all. For a human, my skin had to be too freaking cold. Silly Bella with her strange behavior.

It was only one word she murmured every now and then for the next few hours. "Edward."

**BPOV**

I had this dream again. His cool, marble arms around my waist and his cold breath on my neck. I sighed happily and smiled, snuggling closer to him. "I missed you", I mumbled before sleep took over.

I woke up seeing Emmett's huge grin directly above my face. I shrieked before I remembered everything and smiled involuntarily. My big brother was really there. He had stayed the night here with me and forgotten about dragging me back to Forks and Charlie.

I noticed something was missing, though and did some deep thinking, but I couldn't remember. But then I suddenly remembered how he had left me then without saying goodbye, but wanted to lecture me about my life style now as if his departure never happened and I got angry. Then I remembered that he knew about Ronnie and the other stuff and got embarassed. Then I could feel my feet were still hurting and my stomach felt funny and got worried.

Of course, Emmett found my face behavior quite amusing and started laughing in his booming voice.

That was when the throbbing started. I had known something was missing. I grabbed the blanket and threw it over my head. "Oh no", I moaned. "It's too bright, please Emmett, please close the curtains".

"Well… there are no curtains to close, but I could offer you a glass of water and some aspirin", I could hear his muffled voice under the comforter.

_Right._ No curtains here. Wrong apartment.

Sighing, I lifted my body heavily from the mattress, sitting up and massaging my scalp, squeezing my eyes shut. Flashes of my nightmare were flooding my brain.

Flashes of me running through the dark forest, looking frantically for something I had lost long time ago. Trees towering over me, getting closer. I couldn't see the sky. There was only green around me. Flashes of me, trying to force my way through the bushes, the thorny branches ripping my clothes, but I never made it through. I was stuck there and couldn't get out. I felt trapped in a green, living maze, trying to destroy me. And I knew the whole time I wouldn't find what I was looking for. I tried to scream, but there was no sound, as if I was only screaming inside my brain. I had been terrified.

I still felt terrified. And I felt stupid I fell asleep. I should have know I was going to have nightmares. Of course Emmett's appearance would trigger them.

"Maybe you should-"

"Just stop it, Emmett", I growled. I was so NOT in the mood for this. I knew I had overdone it yesterday and I already felt enough embarassed and ashamed for a lifetime. I had lost control again and now I was paying for the rest of the week for it. I wouldn't be able to sleep for the next days. At least without a little help from my little friends. But I didn't know if that was even possible with Emmett around here.

He was looking at me with this… pity in his eyes. I could feel it. I knew it. Saliva was pooling in my mouth, and I wasn't able to swallow it. I felt cold, but every now and then a hot flush came over me.

"I need a few… human minutes", I muttered, heading for the bathroom. Some Tylenol would help… at least for now. Or so I thought.

It was only a minute afer I had washed down three Tylenol as I felt sick again. It felt like forever.

When I finally finished retching and ended up dry heaving for another few minutes, I flushed the toilet and collapsed backwards onto the bathroom floor. The cool tiles felt wonderful on my skin. The room was spinning and my head was still pounding. I was getting old. No partying for me anymore. I really needed to stop drinking, at least for a while. At least as long I was coming down with something.

**EmPOV**

It had been a shitty day. A fucking shitty day.

First of all, Bella's day had started with retching again. Then she started burning up. It took me half an hour to convince her to stay in bed. I could sense she was hesitant of getting back to sleep, but she looked dead on her feet. And her feet looked kinda dead to me, too. Not that I know anything of medicine and stuff. I promised to stay and taking care of her. I felt really fucking proud of me taking some responsibility as a big brother until I tried to make some tea.

Yeah, tea. I wasn't even able to make some tea for my little sister. But common, I hadn't ever boiled a pot of water in all my life. I think. I don't remember if I ever did, but yeah. I guess I never had.

After the tea incident, she refused my offer to make her something to eat. She didn't even let me make her a fucking sandwich. As if I could fuck up a sandwich, come on. I had seen advertising for sandwiches on TV for years.

Then Rose started calling. And I dreaded talking to her.

We used to call each other at least once a day when we where separated. No spying on each other, but at least one call every day. I hadn't called her in a long time. I had ignored her text messages. I knew she was beyond pissed and would give me hell for it. But I didn't know what to say. And I didn't want to lie.

_Yeah baby, I'm fine, just staying at Bella's place for a while. Thought I should pay my little human sister a visit since she's all so fucked up because of us._

Bella was so pale and looked so thin and I was really worried since she refused to eat. So I tried to trick her and went to get some pizza. Everyone loves pizza, right?

Outside, I took a closer look at her car and was shocked as I could see someone had broken in and taken her radio. Maybe I could replace it without telling her? I got angry when I noticed the condition her truck was in. This was a fucking death trap for sure. It was rusting away, the windshield was broken, the tires were almost flat and I knew Bella hadn't taken care of it because she didn't have the munny or will to do it. For a tiny little moment I considered getting rid of the car and reporting it stolen. No problem there, the radio was already out. I could place it somewhere a hundred miles away and abandon it with a broken window. No one would ever know.

But I couldn't do that. I knew Bella loved this car, no matter what. And I didn't want to lie to her like this. Edward complained a lot about her stubornness with her car. He had really wanted to buy her a nice, comfy and secure one, but he knew she would never let him do it, she would never accept it.

So I went to get some pizza and when I came back, there was a guy in Bella's apartment. A fucking guy. Some creepy native American guy whith clothes reeking of… fucking werewolf. What the…? This guy meant trouble. No reason to put Bella into more trouble than she already was in. And the worst thing wasn't the fact he was touching Bella and kissing her on the forehead. The worst thing was that although Bella still looked awfully pale and ill, there was the smell of alcohol on her, and she seemed perfectly at ease. I wanted so badly to torture and kill him.

I was angry. I wanted to shout. I wanted to yell. I wanted to grab him and throw him out of the window. But I didn't think Bella would approve, so I tried to behave. I dropped the food on the table, putting on the scariest face ever. He got the hint. Finally one half-reasonable stupid prick in this city. He muttered his goodbyes to her and hurried out without paying me another glance.

"I can see you're feeling better", I sneered, trying to hide my anger. "You're already welcoming fucking tramps in your classy mansion. You know better than to let strangers into your crappy apartment."

Bella looked thunderstruck. "He's a friend!"

"Nice fucking friend", I muttered. "Nice fucking friend who's mingling with mongrels?" I raised my voice.

"It's not your business who I'm friends with. You already intervened yesterday!", she spat. "You-"

"Don't say anything!" I cut her off. I was going to explode.

"Don't say anything against my friends!" she growled. "Don't say anything against my apartment", she warned me. "I like it. It has character."

"Character?" _Where?In the broken chair, the dirty windows without curtains or in the old mattress? _"There is no character in this room. It's almost empty", I practically yelled.

"Exactly", she nodded her head. "It's like me."

"Bella, you're not empty."

"No, but I'm battered and broken", she said, heading towards the kitchen and filling a glass with some water from the tap. I could see there were drops of sweat on her forehead. She still had a fever. She needed some rest.

I sighed. "Bella-"

"Don't Bella me", she cut me off, taking a sip of her water. "I'm not Bella anymore. And it's not your business what I'm doing."

"Of course it's my business, Bella."

She glared at me. "No, it's not!" she hissed, balling a fist. "You're not family. Your're no friend." _Ouch._ Another low blow. But yeah, she was right.

She was angry, I could tell. She wanted me to know she was angry. But I already knew because of her body signs, not because of her glaring. Glaring? Not really. This situation was so fucked up. It couldn't get any worse. I snickered helplessly. At least, she tried to look angry, but it was sort of hilarious. This situation was so fucked up it was comical. I was having hysterics.

"Stop laughing!" she yelled, but I didn't stop.

She aimed the glass at my head, but with my perfect senses, I had seen it coming and moved an inch just in time. It hit the wall behind me and burst into pieces. Not that it could have done any damage to me. But crashing onto my marble skin, pieces could have blown all over the place, bouncing back and hurting Bella.

It's been a while I've been yelled at by a human. And in all my life, nobody had ever dared to throw things at me. And I had forgotten how cute angry and annoyed Bella looked like. Like a cute, helpless kitten, trying to fight off a tiger. I snickered. This was totally fucked up. My little sister was in trouble and it was all our fault. It was all my fault. I was totally useless. I couldn't protect her from this bad world outside. I couldn't pretect her from drugs, debts and creepy bartenders. I couldn't protect her from creepy friends with creepy mutt friends. I couldn't protect her from getting hurt. I couldn't even make my sick little sister some tea.

She again tried to give me a sort of an evil eye, which made me snicker even more.

She tried to look intimidating, and her heart was pounding erratically.

It was so cute. And totally useless against me, although I really longed for a good fight. I snickered again.

She looked ready to burst, her blood boiling.

I was hysterical.

And then, she stepped forward and hit me in the chest.

That was unexpected. I had assumed she would try to shove me away. I should have paid more attention to her body signs and stopped her before she even touched me. I was her big brother. It was my job to take care of her. She maybe had hurt herself.

She stared at me while rubbing the knuckles of her right hand. She fucking HAD hurt herself. Then she hit me again.

"Bella, please stop this", I begged. "You will hurt yourself".

"I don't care", she said and punched me in the face.

She winced at the impact.

"Bella, please." I stepped back. She followed me, her hands in fists.

"What?" she sneered. "Are you scared I could damage your beautiful, sparkling skin? I'm sure Rosalie will still love you, even with a broken nose. Which you're not goint to get, as we both know."

"I am actually scared for your vulnerable, unsparkling skin getting damaged", I answered, retreating further. "You're sick. You need some rest." Hitting me must feel like hitting a stone wall. Why did she do this? Edward never mentioned her hitting him or being aggressive against him. I should stop her, but I was afraid I would hurt her if she struggled. I was still to angry about the mongrel situation.

"Oh, don't worry about that." She stopped the same moment my back touched the wall.

She grinned. "Maybe I get lucky and you can't hold yourself back." She punched me in my left side. "Common, do something!"

I shook my head. What the hell was she trying to do?

"Too bad you're not Jasper", she continued, hitting me in my chest. "He wouldn't be such a baby about this. Maybe you could call him so I can punch him, too?" She hit me in my right side.

I swear I could hear her knuckles crack with every blow. "Please, Bella", I begged. "I will not attack you. I won't fight you."

"Then I'll take my chances and try again", she answered before punching me in my stomach.

Her skin cracked open and I could smell the precious blood immediately. I stopped breathing and checked for any signs of distress (she couldn't stand blood, right?) on her face and in her body, but she only seemed fascinated by this. She explored her hands and smiled like she had found some treasure. Actually, her eyes had never seemed so livid like today. Her thin body, her pale face, her matted her and even the bags under her eyes didn't matter. She was furious and beautiful.

Adrenaline was flowing into her bloodstream, mixing with the alcohol, and I immediately recognized the danger of this situation. I needed to calm her down. Even without Jasper present, I knew she wasn't feeling any pain at the moment. I had to stop her before she did something stupid.

"Bella, you've hurt yourself", I pointed her hand. "Let me have a look at this?"

She grinned again. "That's nothing. I told you old Bella doesn't exist any more." She scratched her forehead. "Or maybe she went on vacation? Sometimes she's back. And she's very annoying. I definitely have to get rid of her", she laughed.

"Bella, you're bleeding", I pointed again. "Maybe you want to sit down so I can take care of it?"

"Don't worry, Emmy", she winked. "I'm not going to faint. In this very moment, old Bella is not here. I'm not getting sick anymore because there is a little bit of blood." She smeared the blood on her hands across her own face while watching me the whole time. "See? I can stand the smell of my blood." She smirked. "I kinda like it."

I felt the venom pool and the thirst in my throat getting intense. I swallowed. _Stay calm_, I reminded myself. _It's just this fucking annoying burning. You have it all the time. It will lessen. _

She rose up on her tiptoes and leaned against my chest, staring in my eyes and grinning wickedly. She was still a lot shorter than me and a breakable, vulnerable human, but I was scared like hell. Her eyes seemed livid and dead at the same time and I had no clue what was coming. This wasn't my little baby sister. I wanted to run from this place, and it would have been easy to do it – it would take her a full second to register I had already disappeared – but I felt trapped. I couldn't leave. Who knows what she would do next?

"Do you like it, too?" she asked, staring into my eyes. Then she smeared the blood under my nose, and retreated two steps back, still grinning.

I almost freaked out as I felt so much venom pool in my mouth that I couldn't swallow it down anymore. _Stay calm, _I chanted in my head. _Stay calm. You're not really thirsty. It's just a innate reaction of your body. You're just having some difficulties because you didn't go hunting the last two days. _

It didn't really work._ This is Bella, for god's sake_! I kicked myself mentally._ She's drunk and angry and ready for a fight, but she's still Bella. Your little human sister. Stay calm. You can totally handle this situation. You won't freak out. You will calm her down, take care of her hand, and then you will tuck her in and forget about it._

I wiped the blood on my face away. I had to fix this now, but I had serious difficulties to gather my thoughts. I didn't go hunting to stay with her, and my throat was on fire like I hadn't felt it for a long time. And there she was, blood on her face and hands, heavy breathing, and ready for a fight. Her heart was fluttering, her pulse was racing, her eyes sparkling. I couldn't concentrate. _Think, Emmett, think. You have to calm her down. _

She hit me again before I could say anything. It was a really strong blow for a human, but she didn't even complain. The blood left red stains on my white shirt and made me feel fucking uneasy. This was no good sign. She was still grinning. She liked this too much.

"I'm sorry I'm insulted your friend." _Erm, no, not really_. "I'm sorry I'm insulted your apartment." _You have to admit, it's really shitty. But I understand, it's yours. Like your shitty truck._ "I know you're angry. You have every right to be. But this is no solution, Bella. If you need to steam it off, I'm sure we can find something", I tried. "We can talk about it." She was a girl, right? There must be something relaxing that wasn't dangerous. I was so despaired I was willing to do some shopping or yoga. Alice liked this shit. _Think, Emmett, think._ What else did Alice and Rosie do to enjoy themselves? Maybe a day in the spa? Oh no, yoga could cause sore muscles, right? And deep water was dangerous. And she shouldn't go swimming at all with her being sick and all. But she was my little sister. I would even take fucking knitting classes if that would help her to relax.

"You know, Emmy… I think this is the perfect solution." She punched again. "It's like having my own personal punching bag", she grinned while landing two blows in my face. "But I actually always wanted to have a sparring partner, not a punching bag. You should hit me back."

"Bella, please", I begged. "I beg you, please stop this. I won't fight you. Please?" I almost groaned. I was so ready for a fight. It had been a while. But she was human. I would crush her with my first blow.

"Stop begging me", she hissed while punching me on my right arm. "I didn't beg you." She punched my left arm before dealing with my right arm again.

Her blood was dripping from her knuckles on the floor. "Please, Bella", I sobbed.

"Stop begging", she yelled in a fury. Then she started hammering my chest and my face. I grabbed her wrists as careful I was able to, but she struggled and wrenched while yelling profanities. It made my heart break. I had to strengthen my grip and I knew I was hurting her, but she didn't seem to care. In her current state, she didn't feel physical pain.

"Please calm down", I choked. "I don't want to hurt you". Her wrists were so tiny, I was afraid to snap them. It had been a while I had been in physical contact with humans. I didn't trust my judging.

"You don't want to hurt me?" she screeched. "You already hurt me, you fool! You're still hurting me", she spat and started kicking my legs.

"I'm sorry", I sobbed. "If you calm down, I don't have to hurt you." I could already see bruises on her hands and arms. This was getting me nowhere. But grabbing her around the waist seemed too dangerous. I was too agitated and overwhelmed.

"You're so fucking stupid", she laughed, still kicking and struggling as hard as she could.

This wasn't a cute kitten. This wasn't Bella. This was a fucking crazy fighting tiger. She knew she didn't stand a chance against me, but she kept hitting and kicking me, still waiting if I would let her wrists go and fight back. She knew I was a fighter. She knew I got angry easily. She knew I could break her in a second, only by accident while trying to keep her still. I was fucking scared and completely lost.

"Fight back", she yelled.

"No, Bella. I won't."

"It hurts", she sobbed, still kicking and struggling, but getting weaker. Maybe she would get tired and stop by herself? I noticed she had trouble breathing and her heart was crashing in her chest.

"Then stop, Bella. Please. Calm down", I begged.

She sobbed hard. "It won't stop. It's still hurting and it will never stop." Tears were streaming over her cheeks. "It will never stop", she cried.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. But it will stop. It will heal", I assured her. "You had worse, remember? Please stop hurting yourself."

She finally stopped the kicking and hitting, but the tears didn't. I let her wrists go. She sobbed, staggered back and clutched her chest before she fell backwards on the floor, still crying. It was heartbreaking. I was never big with emotions and all this stuff. How I wished Jasper was here.

"Why does it hurt so much?" she sobbed.

She was still clutching her chest. Did I hit her accidentally? I didn't remember. I didn't remember letting her wrists go before, but you never now. If I did touch her chest, I may have broken a few ribs.

"I'm sorry", I stuttered and knelt down in front of her. "I'm really sorry. Please let me see", I offered.

She sobbed even harder, although she was close to hyperventilating. "There's nothing to see", she whimpered. "You can't see a broken heart."

I felt the blood rushing in my ears. Ok, this is stupid; I'm dead and there is no bloodstream in me. But I swear, I could hear it.

"You know what? I can see it, trust me."

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**Reviews are better than Emmett getting beaten up by his little human sister.**

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A/N: This chapter is a bit longer than the others and I hope you enjoyed it. To be honest, the "fight" scene between Bella and Emmett was the first thing I wrote for this story. I had to rewrite it, but I think you still can see I started with it due to grammatical errors and my lack of English writing skills.

**Coming up next: BPOV and EmPOV  
**Not done yet. But some other member of the Cullen family is coming sooooon into the picture, be prepared ;-).


	12. Chapter 12 Waking Up

A/N: I'm sorry it took so long to update. It's really difficult to write such emotional scenes in a foreign language. Thank you for sticking with me and reviewing. Your reviews totally make my day!

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I'm still counting down the days 'til New Moon while reading Eclipse.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Emmett's POV  
**She sobbed even harder, although she was close to hyperventilating. "There's nothing to see", she whimpered. "You can't see a broken heart." I felt the blood rushing in my ears. Ok, this is stupid; I'm dead and there is no bloodstream in me. But I swear, I could hear it. "You know what? I can see it, trust me."

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**Chapter 12 – (Waking Up) BPOV**

I didn't feel very well when I woke up. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. My throat hurt. My head was pounding. My ears were buzzing. Even my eyes felt strange and heavy and the light was blinding me so I didn't even bother with trying to open them again. I was aching everywhere and I felt totally spent. _I'm really getting old._ Definitely no more partying for me.

I instantly knew something was very wrong when I tried to lift my upper body and was shoved roughly back into my pillow.

"Oh no, you're not going anywhere!" Emmett's booming voice filled my head, and I winced.

"Wha… What?" I asked, confused. "I need to get up."

"No, you don't."

I took some effort to pry my eyes open and was greeted with an even stronger headache. Plus Emmett's grim face right in front of me, his dark eyes almost intimidating. "I have to get up", I insisted.

"No, you don't."

I sighed, trying to lift myself up again with the help of my arms, which hurt like hell. I frowned down at my hands. They were bandaged up and felt like I had gotten into a fistfight last night. I wondered what my face looked like. I mean, there had to be a reason why I was brought into a hospital. It couldn't have been just an ordinary chick fight in Ronnie's bar again. I needed to see for myself in a mirror. There had to be a mirror in the bathroom. But the moment I tried to find the best way to lift my legs over the railings of the hospital bed, I was shoved back again.

"You stay put", he growled.

"But, I have to pee", I wailed. It was really urgent. Why was he always being so difficult?

"Well, this is a problem", he stated. "Unless you're willing to call a nurse or letting me carry you."

"Why?" I furrowed my brows. This was utterly ridiculous. I really had to use the bathroom. Possibly he had forgotten about human needs, but not letting me go alone? I didn't need help with THAT.

"Well… first there are these thick bandages on your feet", he pointed. "You can't walk. I mean, you can walk… but you're not allowed to walk for the next few days, the doctor said. Some cuts on your feet got infected", he grimaced. "Then", he continued, "there are your bandaged hands, the almost-cast or whatever it's fucking called on your right arm, the bandages and the IV on your left arm, the pain killers and antibiotics in your body, and well", he shrugged his shoulders, "with your luck, there will soon be another cast on your left arm or left leg or you'll end up breaking your neck because you fall over your crutches or something." He started pacing the room, and I could see he was really angry. So angry he had to hold back.

"It seems there was something wrong with your insurance…" he trailed off. _I bet something was wrong. _I didn't have any. _That's what happens if you don't pay the bills._ Not that Emmett would have any problems with that. He paced some more until he came to a sudden stop in front of me. "By the way… they did some blood tests."

_Oh._ Crutches. Infections. Hospital. No insurance. Blood tests. Drug tests. That would complicate things. The urge to use the bathroom was gone immediately.

He stared at me so angrily a chill went down my spine. "What… is there something wrong with my blood? I'm not pregnant, right?" I tried to joke.

"That's not funny!" he yelled and started pacing again. "By the way, I know you're not pregnant. Otherwise, I would hear the second heartbeat." _Oh. Right._ That would have been totally embarrassing. I didn't say anything as a nurse made an appearance to remind us to be quiet.

"I don't even know where to start", he fumed.

"Then don't", I whispered. I just wanted to crawl back in my black hole and forget.

"I'm not sitting there watching my little sister to OD and die!" he yelled, clenching his hands into fists. "Or get pregnant!" he screeched.

"I'm not going to OD! And I'm not going to die!" I yelled back and winced again as my outburst hurt my head. _And getting pregnant? Impossible, _I snorted mentally. "Unless I'm breaking my neck by falling over my crutches or being squished by a big van, I'm going to be just fine. Besides, I'm not your sister."

He sighed. "You're not going to be fine. You are not fine. You're far from it. And yes, you are my little sister."

"What do you care?" I muttered. _Just leave me alone. Go away. That's what you all are best at._

"Like I said… you are my little sister."

"Sister", I snorted. "You left!" I screamed, holding my chest. I couldn't breathe.

"I know", he mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"You… you didn't even say goodbye", I sobbed. "I don't know what your little sister ever did to you personally you couldn't even say goodbye to her."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella."

"I mean, I can understand why you were angry with me", I clutched the linen sheet, cursing myself to let him see me bawling again like a 10-year-old. I was so weak.

"I'm not angry at you. I'm just… scared for you", he whispered. "You're not taking care of yourself."

"I mean… I know it's my fault he left me", I said, rubbing my traitor tears away. "I'm even too stupid to open a present. But at least you could have said goodbye."

"It's not your fault Jasper attacked you! You got yourself a papercut and he couldn't hold back with all the sudden outburst of bloodlusting emotions in there. It's not anyone's fault! It just… happened."

"Of course it's my fault", I wailed. I had been so stupid. I had ruined everything.

"Bella, it's not your fault. That was…an accident. Bad luck. It happens constantly to other people."

"No, it doesn't!" I sobbed. "I'm a danger magnet. He always said I was, and I thought he was right. But he wasn't right. I'm no danger magnet. I'm just plain and stupid."

"You're NOT stupid!" He started pacing again, arguing to himself. "People cut themselves unintentionally. With knives, with cans, with paper. It happens all the time. Hell, it happens in school! I was there several times when it happened! It happens to students, it happens to teachers. I know it from experience!"

He started mumbling incoherently. I wanted to understand what he was saying, but I was so tired and dizzy. I dropped back onto my pillow and turned my head, taking in Emmett's aggravating pacing and muttering. "You're not… HE is so fucking… I never should have… Thank god… not pregnant… Alice was… poor Esme… stupid, selfish bastard… Carlisle should… fucking fault… totally broken… drugs… detox… advice from Carlisle… he can't find out… oh, he fucking should find out… what a fucking mess… even Rose said…"

I had some difficulties following the words and strings of profanities he was uttering too fast and too low for my ears._ Rose? Rosalie._ _Oh._ "What day is it? Where's Rosalie, Emmett?"

"What?" he stopped.

I sat up so fast my head started spinning and the headache got even more intensified. I winced. "I don't know what date it is. But I know you've been with me for days. Where's Rosalie?"

"Don't worry, she's not here."

"She's not here? Where is she?"

"She's back home, with Esme." His eyes were so… sad. Something wasn't right here.

"Back home? Which home? Where? And why are you seperated? She's angry, right? She's angry you're staying with me. I'm so sorry! You should go back!" I started rambling. This was all so confusing and wrong. I couldn't breathe. He shouldn't be here with me. He should be with his wife. Why wasn't he with Rosalie? Did they have a fight? _They had a fight. They separated because of me_. _It's my fault._ Now I had ruined his marriage, too.

I had obviously started panicking because Emmett tried frantically to hush me and mumbled something about everything being alright and breathing. I wasn't listening. I just wanted to get the hell out of here and hide. I was going to be sick. But I never managed to leave the bed. Either there was the IV getting on my nerves or Emmett was holding me back, talking to me all the time while I couldn't understand what he said. _Why is are the Cullens always so difficult and complicated?_ I was getting beyond pissed.

Suddenly, there was an elderly nurse on my left side, injecting something into my IV. "No!" I yelled, grabbing her right wrist holding the needle. "You can't just put me back to sleep! I have to go!"

"Isabella, you need to relax, ok? You're hurting yourself", she soothed, changing hands and injecting the rest of the liquid with her left hand.

My arm felt suddenly so heavy and plopped back on the bed. My eyes started drooping. "But… no! You can't just… you can't…" I mumbled. She caressed my cheek and tucked a strand of my hair back behind my ear. "Just relax for now. I'm right outside if you need me."

I thought I was smelling blood, but I was already drifting away.

**EmPOV**

It hadn't been a shitty day. It had been a fucking shitty disastrous day. And a shitty night. And it was all my fault. I had totally failed in protecting my little sister in several ways.

First, I hadn't been able to take care of her. I had dragged her along home so roughly she had started vomiting. Then, I hadn't even been able to feed her. I had left her alone to get some fucking unhealthy pizza instead staying with her and calling the delivery guy instead. I had left her all alone; everything could have happened to her. And it did. Mongrels, booze and alcohol.

Second, I had been yelling at her for no reason. Yeah, I had been fucking angry. But it wasn't her fault I had left to worry about her car and the broken radio and which pizza to choose. It wasn't her fault the mutt-friend had taken his opportunity to sneak in.

Then, I had called her "friend" a traitor, her apartment a shit-hole and her being unreasonable. I had laughed at her. I had left her believing I was making fun of her and her life after I had never shown any fucking interest over the last fucking three years.

Then, I had let her hurt herself. And I hadn't even tried to stop her. I had been such a fucking pussy, totally scared of hurting Bella further. As if I could have done that. I had never hurt her before. At least not physically.

And then, I had panicked with all the blood after she had passed out. But instead of taking care of it, I had brought her to the hospital. Which hadn't been such a bad choice, after all, which was the reason why I felt so bad and shitty lost right now.

And now, I was sitting in the waiting room, muttering to myself, hiding from my little sister. Listening to her regular, sleeping heartbeat from a safe distance. Because I was still a pussy. I couldn't even look at her and the mess we had made. I felt more then just guilty. I hated myself.

It was time to wake up from this avoidance. It was time to change something. Maybe even everything. I would change Bella's life. No matter if she started yelling and hitting and spitting. I was going to end this. I would interfere as annoyingly and stalkerish and obvious I had to. I would even outdo Edward. I would do what a big brother had to, and she would hate me for years. And later, maybe, she could forget it and forgive me for interfering.

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I must have been losing my touch. Otherwise, I would have noticed earlier that my beautiful, stunning wife was standing right in front of me, hands on her hips, fuming.

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**Reviews are better than Bella sleeping in hospital all day.**

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**Coming up next: BPOV  
**Not done yet. But Edward is coming sooooon into the picture, be prepared ;-).


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. Work is crazy. But not so emotional chapters right know, so it will get a bit easier for now. Thank you for sticking with me and reviewing. 13 Chapters without Edward and you're still reading. I'm so proud of you!

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I'm still counting down the days 'til New Moon while reading Breaking Dawn.**

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**Recently in After Dark: EmPOV  
**I must have been losing my touch. Otherwise, I would have noticed earlier that my beautiful, stunning wife was standing right in front of me, hands on her hips, fuming.

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**Chapter 13 – (untitled) – Emmett's POV**

"How can you stand this?" she asked, glaring daggers at me. Her voice was as icy as her stare.

"What?" My brain went into overdrive to come up with an explanation that wouldn't hurt her as much as a lie or the truth what I was doing here.

"This… all of it…" she trailed off, looking everywhere but me, shaking her head, obviously lost for words.

"I… ." I didn't know what to say. There was nothing to say, nothing to explain. I was afraid to open my mouth at all, because nothing would ever change what I had done. I could only hope that Rose would put off whatever wrath she had decided to let come over me. That she wouldn't leave me right away. That she would let me try to make her trust me and love me again.

I gulped loudly, closing my eyes, afraid that maybe it was too late; that maybe I would find some of my bags as a starterkit for a future without her sitting at her feet, ready to be thrown at me. But deep down I already knew she wouldn't cause a scene in here. The luggage would be waiting in the car. If she had decided to leave me, she would lure me outside, beat the crap out of me, and disappear without a goodbye, only leaving the bags behind. There would be no arguing and no begging about her decision.

"I can't stay in here", she gasped, turning around to leave. "It's too much", she muttered, shaking her head.

Yeah. I deserved it. She couldn't stand being in the same room with me. I had been a horrible husband the last two years, always sulking and doing nothing to save the family, doing nothing to make her feel good. We had delayed the wedding twice and for once, she didn't even try to argue about it. She had surprisingly agreed with me to wait until my family felt better and was ready to celebrate with us. Until they were ready letting us go on our honeymoon.

I had been a horrible husband the last months, taking off on my own every now and then, leaving her behind for days and finally for weeks. She didn't even try to fight about the fact I had promised her over and over again to take her with me the next time. I had been a fucking horrible husband the last days, not even reacting to her phone calls and text messages. I knew for sure that even if she wasn't going to leave me, she would at least punish me so badly I would never do something like this again.

"Are you coming or what?" she growled at me.

"Sure", I mumbled, trotting behind her. How was I going to live without her? She was my life. She was the reason for my existence. Without her, I would cease to exist. I would leave a shell behind me, the rest of me disappearing into thin air over time. Like Edward had the moment he left Bella. Like Bella had after she was left behind.

She led me into a deserted corner of the floor since we couldn't leave the building right now thanks to the blazing sun outside, mocking us as if there was nothing to worry about.

"So that's what you've been doing all the time?" she asked. "You were watching over her?" She looked hurt, not angry. Why wasn't she angry? Why didn't she explode? Where was her angry Rosalie face? Why did she look so hurt? And then I knew it. I had more than just fucked up. What could I do to take the hurt away? I started panicking, rambling in my head for a logical explanation she was willing to accept. But I knew lying wasn't an option. I had fucked up, the least I could do was being honest.

"No, I wasn't keeping track on her, I just…" _Wait, did she just say "watched"?_

"I'm sorry, Rose", I apologized, realizing it wouldn't do any good if I tried to get myself out of this before telling her how sorry I was. "I can understand if you're angry with me, but please-"

"I'm not angry, Emmett", she interrupted me. "I'm sad. And disappointed. Why didn't you tell me anything? Why didn't you tell me you were with Bella all the time? Didn't you think I could keep it a secret? Don't you trust me?"

That almost broke my heart.

"Of course I trust you, love. I just didn't know… what to do. I still don't know." I paused. "It's complicated." Everything was complicated and fucked up. And I was still waiting for the explosion, getting nervous why it hadn't already started. The waiting was killing me. Something wasn't right here.

We were standing in silence for several minutes, not looking at each other while nurses and doctors were bustling around us, although careful to give us enough space. Obviously, even in our devastating state we were still radiating a vibe of danger others took notice off and retreated. Although everyone seemed to stare at us anxiously instead of looking away. Maybe they were afraid we couldn't handle it. Maybe they thought we had lost someone we loved. It could have been. We had lost Bella. We had lost Edward. In a way, we had lost Jasper, and with him Alice. And with her Esme. And with Esme, we had lost Carlisle. We had lost our family. We had lost track of our relationship. And that was all my fault. She looked so hurt and disappointed, and I felt so ashamed and guilty and embarrassed. I had lied to her. I had fucking lied to her. I had never lied to her in all the time we had been together. And as far as I knew, she had never ever lied to me.

"I was worried about you", she spoke in the silence. "I was worried about us. You had become so distant lately, and everytime I called, you assured me you were okay, but I knew you weren't…And then, you didn't even call back anymore. I couldn't reach you at all. I didn't know if something had happened to you."

"I'm really sorry." And I knew the explosion wouldn't come yet. And it was fucking bad news because something worse would come my way to punish me for what I had done to her. I knew it. Even without an explosion, she would leave me.

"At first, I thought you had taken off with one of the Denali bitches crossing your way", she chuckled. "Or finally found a singer you could resist to kill immediately." I could hear her voice dripping with venom, and I knew instantly she wasn't joking. It wasn't funny. She had been afraid of me falling in love with someone else, of losing me, but she was too proud to admit it, and my heart filled with love. She was so lovely when she was jealous. Maybe there was still some hope.

"All these months you kept hiding this from me. Why didn't you tell me she was the reason you moved out here all on your own? I mean, I knew you had always a little thing for her, but…"

_A THING for her? _She wouldn't think… The wheels in my head were turning at lightning speed again. _Oh my god, she wouldn't ever think I had something with Bella???My little sister??? My brother's love and soulmate???_

"No, that's not true, Rosalie", I stammered. "There is no THING between us." What if she didn't believe me? Would she still leave me?

"Of course there's nothing going on between you and her, I know that", she hissed, hitting me on the back of my head. "I know you're not THAT stupid. But I can't believe you were stupid enough to follow her around the last months, playing guardian angel."

Oh. _Oh. _She thought I had…"I swear, it's not like that. I found her last week, working in a bar downtown. It was an accident, I wasn't even looking for her. I had already packed up my stuff, deciding to come back to you. And then… then she was… she was just… there. I didn't tell anyone because I… I didn't plan on staying. I didn't plan on interfering. I just wanted to have a look at her."

She looked appalled. "What… you just wanted to have a look?" She scoffed. "We promised him. You promised him. The whole family promised him not to have a look into her future, not to do any research about her past, and not to get in contact with her. This was exactly the reason the family had been fighting again and again over the fucking three last years!" she hissed. "You think the rules were made for everyone but you? Don't you think Alice and Esme would have wanted to have a look at her, too?" she almost yelled.

Everyone turned around to stare at us. We were definitely causing a scene.

"Rosalie, love… I know, I…" Guilt and shame rushed trough my body in alarming speed. Of course Alice would have wanted to have a look at Bella's future. Of course Esme would have wanted to take care of her. They all would have. But I hadn't even thought about that for one minute while I had spent time with my sister.

"I couldn't just walk out, please, Rose", I begged, lowering my voice. "You have to understand. I hadn't told anyone because I thought Alice would see my decision to stay a bit longer anyway and get in touch with me, eager to see Bella for herself. But there were no calls, and I didn't know if you all were angry with me for interfering… I didn't know if I was welcome anymore… I…" I scratched my head. How should I put this? "I just wanted to see Edward had made the right decision after all. That I would see her in all her human glory, happy and laughing and content, working her ass off for paying tuition. Having fun with friends. Having a great time at college. So I could come back without having to worry about her wellbeing anymore. So I could concentrate on us. On the family."

"Right", she laughed at me. "One look and that's it? Did you even consider that maybe, maybe you wouldn't like what you would see? I mean, she's human, for god's sake."

"I know that", I mumbled, confused.

"Did you even consider that maybe you wouldn't like it if she had been happy without us, without you? She could be happily married, living in a house with a white picket fence, two children running around, playing with the family dog."

Oh, I would have liked that, I think. After all, Bella deserved it to be happy, even if it wasn't with the person she was destined to be.

"Oh yeah, maybe you would have liked that", she read my face correctly. "But she could be totally unhappy, grieving about her boyfriend cheating on her. Being afraid of her husband abusing her. She could be sick. She could have cancer. She could be mourning the loss of her parents, maybe even the loss of her unborn child after a tragically car accident."

"Did something happen?" I yelled panicking, causing the people around us to stare again. "Did something happen to her parents? Did someone cheat on her? Did he beat her? Had she been pregnant?"

"How would I know?" she hissed angrily, shushing me to be more quiet. "You should know. I'm not the one running tabs on her, after all. I don't know anything about her and I don't want to know." Her face smoothed. "We are not supposed to know and we shouldn't know more than you already do. I'm just worried about you. About us", she fidgeted. "Are you satisfied now or feeling better, now that you know a part of it, but not all of it? Is your curiosity cured? Is your worry stilled? I don't think so. I bet you made everything even worse."

She was right. It was worse. But I still wanted to know. I wanted to help.

She sighed. "And did you even think about the consequences? What's coming after? Now that you've spent time with her? Now that you stirred old memories up? And I wonder, did you really think you could have been keeping this from him?" she tapped her temple. "Even if it was… bad luck or sheer luck or an accident or whatever you want to call this… what you did… He will rip your head off the next time he comes… back. You won't walk away this time."

I scowled a bit at the fact she really thought I wouldn't win over him in a fight. As if something like that would ever happen. But his absence bugged me. "He's not home yet?"

"Home", she mused, and I knew what she was thinking about. It didn't matter where we stayed. Home was nowhere for us since our family had started falling apart. It was the main reason Rosalie was so upset. The family had always been so important for her. It was the reason she was so protective and fighting against any "intruder" to come in the circle. It was the reason she had never fully succeeded in trusting Bella. It was the reason why she had thought Edward should have left her alone in the first place. That he would put us in trouble bringing Bella into our family. It was the reason she had always been against Bella becoming one of us and the reason she had accepted willingly his decision to leave her.

"We haven't seen him in months. To be honest, we haven't heard anything from him for weeks. Esme's getting worried, of course."

Of course Esme was getting worried. Hell, I was getting worried. Everyone was constantly worried when he was absent. Even Rosalie was worried. Maybe not about him, but about Esme. She loved our mother unconditionally and she couldn't stand her getting hurt because of his selfish behavior. She couldn't stand it anymore to see her falling apart.

"It's bad, isn't it", I mumbled. "It's getting worse…" The weeks of his absence were getting longer and longer.

"Carlisle put Jenks on it, but he didn't come up with anything. It seems like he's… vanished. He couldn't even track down his phone. No visa bills. No sightings of him at gas stations. His name hasn't been on any passenger list of any airline recently. No sightings of his car. Nothing. We don't even know on which continent he's at the moment. Maybe he's gone for good this time…" she trailed off, looking concerned.

Rose concerned about Edward? That was new. Of course she was worried, but more of the consequences of his erratic and stupid behavior then about his feelings. I knew she was worried about him doing something stupid, like exposing us. About hurting Esme and Alice. About hurting our family. I didn't think our family would make it if he kept behaving like this any longer.

Everything was so fucked up. I scratched my neck. "What did Alice say? Was she giddy about me stumbling over Bella? Did she ask you to call me? Did she send you to get me?"

"I didn't know about you finding Bella until today, Emmett. Alice didn't say anything."

_Oh crap._ "Great. She must be really angry, then", I moaned. She had been Bella's best friend and did her best to please Edward and stay out of it. Although it was breaking her heart. Everything for the family. Then there came big brother Emmett and got in touch with the object of her desire, staying with her for days without telling anyone.

"Maybe she didn't know. She didn't have any visions for weeks, Emmett", Rosalie stated. "Not even if she tried. Not even visions of Jasper. She's… changed. It's getting worse. Sometimes I'm quite scared about her. I think she's lost her gift."

I couldn't believe my ears. "Worse?" I croaked. There was no way it could get even worse. And Rose getting scared? Alice losing her visions? This couldn't be happening. I should have stayed home. I shouldn't have left in the first place. My family had needed me, and in the meantime I had done nothing but mess up Bella's life even further with my interfering.

"By the way… What happened?" Rosalie wondered. "So you just… stumbled over each other? Why is she in the hospital if you met her in a bar? Did she run away from you? Did she get into a catfight? Did she ignore you? Did you make her trip?" she chuckled.

I sighed. "I don't even know where to start. It's awful."

"I have time. It's not like I have anything else to do", Rosalie impatiently tapped her right foot.

"I thought you didn't want to know?" I raised one of my eyebrows.

"Well, now that you got me involved…"

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**Reviews are better than Rosalie beating up Emmett.**

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**Coming up next: BPOV  
**Not done yet. But Edward is coming sooooon into the picture, be prepared ;-). First, she's meeting Rosalie, yay ;-).


	14. Chapter 14 Visitor

A/N: Work is still crazy. I'm sorry I can't update as often as I want to. Thank you for your lovely reviews! I appreciate each and every one of it, even if I can't answer all of them.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. Some of the words in this chapter are from Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Eclipse, either.**

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**Recently in After Dark: EmPOV  
**"I was worried about you", she spoke in the silence. "I was worried about us. You had become so distant lately, and everytime I called, you assured me you were okay, but I knew you weren't…And then, you didn't even call back anymore."

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**Chapter 14 – (Visitor) – Bella's POV**

I felt odd as my brain was slowly coming back into reality. I felt a bit dizzy, and still sleepy. Being sleepy and dizzy had been my general state of mind during the last months, but this was even worse than usual.

I noticed then that I hadn't been dreaming, that I hadn't been woken up by a terrible nightmare which I was grateful for, but also wondering. As soon as my eyes found the IV still connected with my arm, I knew why. So it was possible to stop the dreams with some help. My little helpers had just been the wrong choice. I needed strong, pretty hospital gifts like this. I wondered where you could buy these. Was it possible to get it online? It surely would be expensive. Was it maybe possible to snuck into the hospital pharmacy? Could maybe Ronnie get me something?

Maybe Ronnie wouldn't even talk to me. Not after the incident with Emmett. As far as I knew him, he had flashed his teeth in front of Ronnie to scare him away for sure. I groaned. It would take some time to find another source for some little chemical happiness.

I noticed then the stony, glaring figure at the side of my bed.

"Where's Emmett?" I shot up, wincing as the IV tugged on my skin. Why was she here? Was something wrong? She hated me. Why would she be here?

I felt shaky. And maybe there was good reason to be scared. She looked as if she was going to rip my head off the next second, shredding me to pieces. Which was fine in general by me, but still. No need to be messy in here. No need to raise suspicions. No need to get them in trouble.

"I sent him to arrange a few things for me", her perfect lips explained.

She was still so beautiful it hurt to look at her. If it was possible I could have sworn she looked even better than in my memory. Although I had done everything not to forget any details, I had failed horribly. My memory hadn't done justice to her. Even with the hatred in her eyes, she looked inhumanly glorious.

"_You're angry", I whispered, embarrassed about my alarmed voice. _

"Of course I'm angry", she hissed. "You're such… such an ungrateful… you…" She was stuttering. Perfect Rosalie was stuttering. That made two of the Cullens stuttering in front of me. Odd. She had to contain her anger, although she wasn't as successful as Emmett. She took a deep breath, grimacing at the hospital smell, and I noticed her eyes were pitch black with fury. "How could you?"

"I… I don't-"

"How could you?" she cut me off. "You have this… this… perfect human body, and you don't know anything better to do with it than destroy it?"

_Perfect?_ I scoffed mentally. Was she joking?

"I'm not-"

"Oh, don't you dare contradicting me", she hissed. "Emmett told me everything."

Everything? _Oh._

"You've been drinking. You've been taking drugs. You…" she seemed at a loss for words, which was really strange. I had never seen her so upset about and I didn't understand why she even cared about that.

"You hurt your body. You hurt yourself. You didn't take care of yourself, didn't take care of your body. You didn't take care of this… gift."

_A gift?_ My body felt more of a curse; clumsy, hideous, useless. "I didn't-"

"I've seen your scars, Bella", she growled.

_Oh._ That was bad. I could feel the shame warming my skin.

"Well, I didn't have time to improve", I mumbled, grasping at straws. "I'm still in this clumsy and ungraceful, not so perfect human body, as you can see."

"Don't… just don't…" she hissed, her black, cold eyes piercing me. "I know what you did. I saw what you did. And don't you think Emmett didn't already put the puzzle together by himself, even before the doctors told him. He knows, too. So don't even start lying. I won't tolerate it. I hate liars."

I studied my hands fingering the white blanket. It was one thing Rosalie knowing about that. Rosalie didn't really like me. Rosalie didn't really care. Maybe she was upset because I had hurt her husband. But knowing that Rosalie would tell the others… Knowing that Emmett knew… about… that… that the others would know… I just wanted to disappear in a black hole right now. I couldn't stand it. They would be so disappointed. HE would be disappointed, surely even disgusted.

"You know… well, maybe you don't know", she chuckled, settling herself in a chair near the corner, far away from me. "But that's exactly one of the reason we loathe highschool so much", she explained. "Why we would prefer starting with college if it wasn't necessary to start early. Troubled teens are just so… unbearable", she sighed.

"I'm not a troubled teen", I whispered.

"Well, maybe not by age. But you're behaving like one. You're rebelling and you're throwing your life away on purpose. Like you don't care about it. Like you don't care about anything."

Maybe she was right about about the "I-don't-care"-part. But it stung to hear it, even if it was coming from her. There had been a time I had cared. I had cared a lot. And I had tried. I had tried so hard. And it hadn't worked out. Although, I still cared. I still cared about Renée, about Charlie. About Billy, about Jacob, about Seth. Just not about myself. There wasn't enough left to include myself in.

Of course, Rosalie didn't know about that. And there was no reason to tell her. She wasn't my friend. She wasn't my family. She never had been.

"You know, it's not so funny if you're sitting in class just to smell fresh blood under the clothes of some stupid… bitch… coming back from her toilet break. Or cutting break."

I could feel my face getting hot again. I had never thought about stuff like that. Of course they would know. They had been in highschool for years. HE would have seen it in his mind. SHE would have seen it in her visions. And the others would have smelled it.

"It's not so funny if you're expecting Jasper going crazy every minute, trying to keep his emotions low and his teeth inside his mouth if this bitch is returning to her seat next to him. It's not so funny if Alice is checking the future constantly, fidgeting and bouncing in her seat, just to make sure he won't attack anyone. It's not funny to see Emmett getting nervous, always ready to haul Jasper out of the room, calculating if we have to move again. I hate to see my family getting hurt by another unlucky event. It's driving me crazy."

I didn't say anything. Why was she telling me this? I already got the hint she thought I had been a selfish bitch. Maybe she was right. But I already got her point.

"As if there weren't already enough… complications during the day. All the beating hearts in the classroom. Jasper getting excited with all our burning throats in the same room. All these smells… as if wasn't already bad enough all women tend to menstruate at the same time", she shuddered.

_Oh my god._ "You can smell this?" I croaked.

She raised on of her perfect eyebrows.

"You can smell it… when… girls… you know…"

"Of course we can smell it. We can smell everything."

_Oh my god._ I blushed furiously, my heart racing. And I had always been so careful about it. He had never said anything, had never refused to see me during those days. Or maybe he had refused so subtle I hadn't noticed; had made up a hunting trip for the weekend. Or had left after I fell asleep so he didn't have to suffer more then necessary. Always the perfect gentleman. I grimaced in pain and embarrassement. _How stupid of me._ I wasn't even able to think about the most obvious things.

Of course Rosalie noticed I felt uncomfortable. "Well… it's not that it smells really exciting, you know. So, it's nothing to think about. It's not your problem."

"Didn't you just tell me… I mean, the blood-"

"I thought you were in AP biology? That's not… you know, normal blood. It's just… monthly waste the body has to get rid off."

"But-"

"We're not in school right know, thank god. If you have more questions, ask Emmett or someone else, I don't care. There are more important topics to discuss", she waved me off and continued to glare at me. "Like your ungrateful, horrible behavior over the last years."

"I didn't-"

"I don't know what your problem is!" she spat.

I was getting angry. She was asking me questions all the time, she was accusing me, yelling at me with her irresistible voice, while I was lying in a hospital bed, sweating, feeling awful, dizzy and numb from all this precious drugs, but too weak to even sit up properly, and I didn't even get a chance to defend myself?

"You don't know what my problem is?" I almost yelled, angry tears welling up. Yelling was no good. Being angry was no good. Anger let to tears. Always. I didn't want to let her see me cry. There was no reason to cry in front of Rosalie. Not in front of Emmett. There was no reason to show my weakness again. They already knew I was weak and unworthy. They had told me over and over again.

"You know what? I doesn't matter", I trailed off. The seconds ticked by and she was still staring at me, obviously waiting for me to say something.

"Nothing matters", I mumbled. Rosalie wasn't interested in any reasons or explanations. She wasn't interested in my motivations. So there was no reason for her to get all Dr Phil with me. I tried to turn my back on her, which wasn't possible in my current state, so I turned my head and stared at the wall for some time. But she was still waiting. I sighed. My hands twisted and untwisted around the edges of the blanket. _Let's get it over with._

"Sometimes… Sometimes I wish… I wish Edward had killed me the first day we met." I flinched at the sound of Edward's name on my lips. I prefered not sayint the E-word. "He told me my number had been up that day. I wish he had the van let me squish me, like it was supposed to. I wish James had killed me in Phoenix. I wish Jasper had killed me at that stupid party. It would be better than this", I whispered, thinking that maybe crying and yelling wouldn't be so bad. Maybe the nice nurse would come back to give me some more painkillers and something to fall asleep. Maybe Rosalie would give up, considering my bitchy and unsocial behavior, and leave.

Or maybe she wouldn't even be bothered by it, considering Rosalie was in an everlasting state of bitching around. Maybe she had been turned while suffering from a nasty PMS? I snickered mentally, noticing my behavior was even more erratical, my emotions even more unpredictable than on other days. Maybe these painkillers weren't as nice as I had thought at first. _Stupid side effects._

"Better than what? Being alive? How can you say that?" She sounded so shocked it would have been quite funny if I hadn't felt so awful. My head was pounding, and I felt sweaty and dirty. I turned my head back to her. She looked like she was waiting for more, but I didn't feel like talking. Talking meant yelling and crying and I was still mentally debating if I wanted the nurse to come back or not.

"I don't get it. I really don't get it. You're… alive. You are… well, you used to be a perfectly healthy, breathing, living woman in her best years. You have parents who care about you. You have friends that care about you. You're intelligent enough to enjoy further education. You're living in the right century to enjoy higher education. That should be enough to be happy."

"Well, maybe it's not enough for me. Maybe I'm just a greedy bitch", I mumbled sarcastically. "Parents and friends, that's nice. But who cares about being alive and breathing."

"I can't believe it", she hissed. "Why should life not be worth living?"

"Maybe because someone who used to love me back then is missing?" I whispered, not looking at her. Wasn't it obvious? There had been a reason to be happy. There had been a reason to have a beating heart. There had been a reason to get up in the morning.

"What", she scoffed, "so you would prefer being dead? Being like me? Would you prefer this?" she pointed at her body.

I raised my eyebrows, not daring to tell her what I thought right know. Of course I would. Or I had wanted it back then.

Neither of us was saying anything for several minutes. She looked… appalled. Surprised. There was a strange mixture on her face that still didn't affect her beauty. I was wondering and surprised, also. This couldn't be. It couldn't be she hadn't known about that.

After another minute, her face softened, and she looked thoughtful. "I know, for you, it seemed unfair at that time. But it's not. It was the best gift he could have given you."

"Are you crazy?" I shrieked, lowering my voice immediately after the shrilly sound hurt my ears. "How can you say that?"

"By leaving, Edward gave you your life back."

"You're not talking about my boring, unworthy human life by any chances, right?" I scoffed. As if I hadn't heard about that enough already.

"Yes, I am talking about your human life. Who are you to judge it unworthy? Who are you to judge this gift unworthy?"

Oh, there were enough reasons; even a few big ones. I sighed. I didn't want to argue. I just wanted to sleep. I felt so exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted.

"You know, I never liked you", she stated.

"Oh, don't worry, I know", I scoffed, closing my eyes.

"If you weren't so especially breakable right now, I would shake some sense in you; maybe even push you around if necessary."

"Oh, just get it over with. It's not like I could do anything about it." It's not that I wanted to stop her. Just a tiny bit too much pressure on me, and everything would be over. I craved for some black, blissful nothing.

"Well, maybe you would better understand if you knew my story." She hesitated, and I opened my eyes to look at her. She seemed nervous. Strange. "I'm going to tell you why I'm so angry about your behavior. Why I think you should appreciate your life and start taking care of it. Why I think you should stay alive and human."

Rosalie wanted to discuss her opinion with me? Without yelling? Why? What was her gain out of this? I huffed and puffed while propping me up further until I noticed this was an electronic bed and there was a button to help me sit up. My brain was total mush these days.

"Actually, I'm going to tell you why I would stay alive and lead the life of a healthy human – if I could."

"Oh." That wasn't what I had expected. It sounded as if Rosalie was getting into some personal stuff. I didn't know if I was ready to discuss more personal stuff.

"Did my brother ever tell you what led to this?" she pointed again to her glorious immortal body.

I nodded carefully. "He said it was close to what happened to me in Port Angeles." I cringed at the memory. It had been a terrifying experience, but it had brought me closer to him. "Only there was no one to save you."

She looked at me with a harsh, bitter smile. "Yes. But there was more." She stared out of the window, lost in her thoughts.

Suddenly, she turned back to me. "Would you like to hear my story?"

"OK?" I answered carefully. I didn't trust her friendly behavior. What was the reason behind it?

"I have to warn you. It doesn't have a happy ending." She chuckled. "Well, none of us has a happy ending story. If we had, we'd be all under gravestones know."

I nodded, though I was frightened by the edge in her voice.

And then she told me her story. She told me about her parents, about Royce, about the night at her friend Vera's house.

It was horrible.

Rosalie looked at me suddenly, as if she had forgotten I was still there. I was sure my face was as white as hers, maybe even paler. Unless it was green. I felt nauseated and dizzy.

"I won't make you listen to the rest", she said quietly.

But she told me how they had left her out there to die and how Carlisle had saved her. About Edward's irritated behavior. I flinched every time she mentioned his name.

She told me how she blamed her beauty to what had happened to her. How she had only wanted to marry a guy who loved her. How she still wanted to sit with said guy on the porch step in front of their house, bouncing a toddler on her knees. She confessed her record and told me she had saved Royce for last, torturing him as slow as possible.

I shuddered.

She broke off suddenly. "I'm sorry. I'm frightening you again, aren't I?"

"I'm fine", I lied, swatting away the beads on my forehead. I felt dizzier every minute, but I didn't think her story was the only reason.

"I got carried away."

"It's ok", I muttered, scratching the skin near the brace of my right arm.

"Are you in pain?" she asked, seemingly concerned.

"I'm fine", I replied, irritated again by her behavior.

"I know I haven't been fair to you the time you've been with… us, Bella. It's a bit embarrassing to tell you why, though."

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"You know, at first… I was mostly jealous."

"Jealous?" My voice broke. Why the hell would Rosalie be jealous? And then she told me about how Carlisle had created her, thinking of a mate for Edward. And how he refused Tanya, Rosalie and every other female. That she was happy with Emmett, though and wasn't jealous anymore, but still didn't like me.

Rosalie had never cared about me, but the confession of not liking me stung nonetheless. I knew I had put her family in danger. I had tested Edward's self-control again and again, and then the thing with James, and Jasper…

"It's not about that. It's just that you have EVERYTHING I want. I would trade everything I have to be you."

I didn't know what to say. She had almost everything I wanted. And who would want to be me anyway?

"You have the choices I didn't have, and you did everything wrong."

I realized my mouth had fallen open. I knew already I had made a lot of bad choices. But she didn't know what I had done over the last three years, did she?

"I would do everything to be human", she continued, and I snapped my mouth shut. "You're destroying your body and your 're going to die if you continue like this, Bella. Edward wanted you to live a human life. I know you don't agree with the choice he made, but that doesn't mean you can't just do the opposite to punish him."

"I don't punish him."

"Yeah, you're partially right", she concluded. "You're punishing yourself. And I have no reason why."

Yeah. But I knew.

"You're also punishing my husband. And my family."

"I don't… I didn't…" I stuttered, my voice panicky. I had done nothing to her family, had I? I mean, there had been no interaction with anyone of them. I hadn't bothered anyone.

"Emmett blames himself for all of this", she pointed at my broken body, and I hid my face behind my hair in shame.

"There's no reason for him to blame himself", I whispered.

She didn't say anything, and suddenly my chin touched my chest and I realized I had fallen asleep right in front of her while she had been talking. "I'm sorry", I muttered, flushing, rubbing my eyes, willing them to stay open.

"No, I'm sorry", she apologized. "That was really inappropriate of me. You're barely conscious, being on medication and all that." She rised up, straightening her dress. "I'll let you sleep", she said, turning to leave.

"No", I yelled desperately. "Don't go", I whispered, embarrassed by my needy pledging.

"Emmett will come later", she stated, her hand already on the doorhandle.

"But… I … I really…" I broke of, traitor tears welling up in my eyes.

"I promise", she said as my eyes closed against my will.

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**Reviews are better than Bella falling asleep in front of Rosalie.**

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**Coming up next: BPOV and EmPOV**  
Not done yet. Not even started yet, but great ideas flowing around my head. Edward is coming real soon into the picture, I promise ;-).


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Work is still crazy. I'm sorry I can't update as often as I want to. Thank you for your lovely reviews! I appreciated each and every one of it.

It seems a lot of people were taken aback by Rosalie's behavior. And I thought I had made her quite nice considering she can be such a bitch sometimes ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I'm sooooooooooooo looking forward to finally see NewMoon. **

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**Recently in After Dark: BPOV  
**"I would do everything to be human", she continued, and I snapped my mouth shut. "You're destroying your body and your 're going to die if you continue like this, Bella. Edward wanted you to live a human life. I know you don't agree with the choice he made, but that doesn't mean you can't just do the opposite to punish him."

"I don't punish him."

"Yeah, you're partially right", she concluded. "You're punishing yourself. And I have no reason why."

Yeah. But I knew.

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**Chapter 15 – (still untitled) – Bella's POV**

Time seemed to float away. Or maybe I was floating. I didn't know, and I didn't really bother. At least, it felt nice. There were murmuring voices in the background and there was soft touching and prodding. But it didn't hurt. Sometimes, there were cold hands against my feverish skin, soft caresses on my cheeks and low whispers in my ear. It felt nice. And I didn't have bad dreams. So, it didn't feel nice. It felt like heaven.

Emmett was right there when I woke up.

I looked around and noticed I was in another room than before, but still the only patient. I had no clue how I would pay the hospital bills. Maybe I could blame it on Emmett.

My limbs were heavy and my scalp was itching. I felt awful. I needed some time to find my voice. "Where's Rosalie?" I licked my lips. They were dry and cracked and my throat felt raw. _Great_. Every time I woke up, some part of my body was aching. It was like I wasn't able to live without pain anymore.

"She went home five days ago", he said, putting an ice chip between my lips.

I sighed happily and suckled on it for several seconds until the information finally hit my brain. "Five days?" I shot up, almost choking on the ice chip. He shoved me softly back into my pillow.

"Yes, five days ago."

"So I was asleep for five days straight?" I croaked. Or almost straight. I remembered almost waking up and drifting off again, but that was it. And I didn't feel like I had slept for so long. Actually, I didn't think it would take much of an effort to sleep some more – as long as I wasn't dreaming, sleep sounded perfect. I realized I had really missed it, now I had been able to sleep without having bad dreams and night terrors.

"Not five days straight, but… yes, it seems."

I took a look at my IV. There was still a bag there, but the liquid translucent this time. "How long have I slept before Rosalie came in here? And why did I sleep for so long?" I asked, confused. I combed my greasy hair with the fingers of my right hand and winced when the brace got caught in it. Emmett helped me untangling it.

"I guess you needed the rest", he answered, not looking at me and not answering my first question.

I narrowed my eyes. There was something he wasn't telling me, and I just opened my mouth to ask him about it when he interrupted me.

"You should call your mother", he said, not answering my unspoken questions, and I almost panicked.

"Right now? Why? Did something happen to her?"

"No, nothing happened", he soothed me, shoving me again back into my pillow. "But she called several times." He handed me my cell phone.

"What did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything the first seven times she called."

I raised one eyebrow. More than seven times in five days? Something was up for sure.

"I'm not your secretary, taking your phone calls", he joked. "But the calls started to annoy me and I picked up, telling her you were busy with studying for your exams." He raised his hands in the air in a soothing offer as my eyes bulged. "Don't worry, I didn't tell her anything about this. I impersonated your study buddy", he said, almost proudly. "She asked only a few hundred questions about me. Actually, she was talking a lot, and not all of it made any sense. She seemed awfully cheerful", he mused.

"Thanks, Emmett", I sighed. That was so typical Renee. Never calling me for weeks, but suddenly wanting to reach me for no important reason although she knew I would have been busy with "studying" and working. Not to mention the fact she wouldn't forget a guy had had access to my cell phone.

I marveled about the full battery of my cell – Emmett must have charged it for me – and scrolled down in my lists of contacts, finding my mother's name and pressing "send". Emmett was sitting back there, oddly excited.

It rang two times. "Oh baby, where have you been?" she greeted me. "I have tried to get a hold of you for days."

"Hello, Mom. I'm fine. I've been busy. You know, work and exams and all that." I shot a glance at Emmett, who sat there, grinning like a kid in a candy store. I was mildly irritated about his behavior. Why wasn't he angry about me lying to my mother?

"You sound tired."

"I guess I am", I answered, confused by Emmett's spark in his eyes.

"Are you coming home for Christmas?" she blurted out.

"Christmas?" I chuckled. "It's still August. I don't know yet. I'm not planning ahead until exams are over and the new semester has started."

"It's almost the middle of September, honey, and that means only three months until Christmas. You should book your flight soon, you know, with all the holiday tourists in December."

_September?_ I tried to check the date on my cell phone but that was a bit difficult with Renee still talking. So it hadn't just been five days, and the thought of it made me slightly nauseous. I interrupted her wordflow to stop her encouraging speech about baking cookies and Christmas shopping.

"Mom, I haven't made plans with Charlie yet. I didn't even make plans for my birthday. I'm really busy. I don't know if I have time to come visit you."

"You're always busy, honey. You shouldn't work so much. Go have some fun", she encouraged me while my face grew hot about the fact I had been lying to my mother for months. Oh, I had had some fun the last three years. Just not the type of fun she would be fond of.

I didn't say anything. She sighed. "Well, I wanted to wait to tell you until I see you next time. But I can't wait." She waited several seconds and I could almost hear the drum roll. It was always like this. She found a new hobby, and she got all over-excited, gushing about it for weeks until she found something more interesting.

"So?" I urged.

"I'm pregnant", she squealed.

Not what I had expected, although I shouldn't have been that surprised. She had already told me they had been talking about it for a while. But still. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say.

"Wow", I finally managed to choke out. Somehow the idea of Renee raising another child seemed horrifying. And the fact that her only daughter didn't feel happy about it felt even more horrifying. What a terrible person I was.

"Aren't you excited?" she sang. "Phil is so happy about it, he already told his whole family, even if I'm not due until April."

"Yeah, it's great", I answered. Maybe it was. Renee had always wanted a pretty little girl to dress up in nice, bright colours and happy prints. She was a bit like Alice in that way, and the thought of my lost sister stung my heart. Yes, a little girl would make my mother happy. A pretty, tanned little girl in ponytails and yellow summer dresses, playing outside with friends. An outgoing, friendly little person, not an unsocial bookworm like I had been, staying inside to read all day. And if it was going to be a little boy, she would still find a way to dress him up and show around.

"So, you're coming home for Christmas."

I sighed. "I'm not sure-"

"Are you bringing home your boyfriend?" she cut me off.

"Mom, I don't have a boyfriend", I replied angrily.

She sighed. "Are you bringing your study partner, then?"

"I don't think so", I said, confused, glancing another look at Emmett. He wiggled his eyebrows.

"He sounds like a very nice, goodlooking guy."

"He sure is." Emmett seemed really to enjoy this. I sighed.

"You know, I don't mind if you bring a nice young man home with you. Besides, I think you two are perfect for each other."

"Oh, I don't think so. I can't just separate him for days from his boyfriend. They're so in love. I'm sure they want to spend their first Christmas holidays together." Emmett's smile fell.

"Oh. That fits", Renee sighed. "There's a nice guy you're spending your time with and he's gay."

"There are other guys I spend my time with", I soothed her. Emmett started fuming, but I didn't exactly know if it was about me declaring him as a homosexual or about the fact I had spent some time with other guys. It wasn't as if he should have bothered about it anyway. At least, I wasn't really lying. They just weren't so nice to me all the time.

"That's right for sure will find a guy that will own your heart. Don't stop playing the field."

Emmett looked as if he wanted to kill me, and I wished I had waited for him to step out before calling my mother. Although it didn't really matter. He would have heard every word anyway, even while waiting outside the building. _Stupid vampire ears._

"Sure, Mom", I sighed. I wasn't having this conversation again. Especially not with Emmett sitting right there. Besides, I was quite sure she guessed which unavailable guy still held my heart. That's why she wanted me to look for someone available.

"Honey, I have to go. Whe're going to look for some baby toys."

"Baby toys? Already?"

"You can never start early enough. There's so much to do. We have to paint the room and to buy clothes and to make appointments with the doctors and oh my god it's been such a long time I don't know if I'm still able to change diapers…And then, there's Christmas. I mean, in December, I will already have a few more pounds to carry with me. I won't be running around town being pregnant for seven months. So I have to start early", she chirped. "I still need to go looking for some Christmas decoration for the garden. I'll call you soon!"

"Sure, Mom. Have a nice-" It was then I noticed she had already hung up.

I was lying there, fully clothed in black jeans and a black shirt, enjoying the fresh feeling after a warm shower while Emmett was handling some least details. I was going home today. Whatever "home" was.

They had made me stay for another two days although I still didn't really know why. For surveillance, they said, although I didn't really get what they wanted to monitor and they had refused to explain it properly. No doctor ever came to talk to me, and the nurses always seemed too busy. That didn't feel like being in a first class hospital.

Nothing exciting had happened besides me having troubles to find sleep without the magic helpers. There had been several arguments about my wish to sleep under the open window. At least I hadn't snapped again. I didn't want to stay longer than necessary.

I was thinking about the last days. At least the days I could remember. Especially the day I had been brought in. About the incident with Emmett that brought me here. I was remembering everything, but it confused and frightened me.

The rage I had been feeling had been overwhelming and shocking and it still scared me. What if it happened again? It had felt so good to punch and hit him. There had been pain, of course, but I had felt excited about it. About the sight of my own blood. I had felt so alive. It had felt so good to release my pent up frustration, to smash something, to destroy something. Even if it had been my own body.

I started to realize how I had missed these adrenaline-highs. They were something not even the most expensive or most dangerous drug couldn't provide me. I wanted to feel like that again, and that scared me. I didn't want to beat someone up to feel like that.

I sighed. My emotions had been so unpredictable lately, it was a miracle I had never attacked one of my co-workers or a customer. Emmett hadn't done anything wrong than pissing me off. Nothing severe. Nothing unusual. He didn't even do it on purpose. Could happen anytime. A lot of people were pissing me of these days, even co-workers and customers. Even Rebecca. The girl at the gas station. Ronnie and his buddies. My mother with her babbling about dating and guys. The elderly woman on the first floor that didn't seem to approve of my company. Even Seth. But what if it happened again and I couldn't control it? What if I felt like beating up someone and attacked – but it wasn't a vampire this time, but some innocent human crossing my way?

I could get myself into trouble. I could get Charlie into trouble. I didn't want to do that. Maybe I had to take a class in anger management.

I groaned, thinking about what Seth would tell me if he ever got wind about this incident. I already knew exactly what he would tell me.

I was thinking about my mother. About Phil. About the baby. I knew it was good news. But I just couldn't feel happy or excited about it, and I felt ashamed. There had to be something wrong with my brain.

Emmett helped me down the stairs. He had told me it was good training. No need for the crippled to use the elevator. He didn't even get me crutches, saying I wasn't allowed to put too much weight on my hands anyway. That I had been lucky my hands hadn't been crushed to pulp. And that I was challenged enough with "normal" walking.

As I whobbled past the pharmacy near the entrance, clutching myself on his shirt, I cast a longing glance and tried to slow down, but Emmett didn't let me stop. "What, I don't have anything to pick up?" I said, my voice sounding almost disappointed.

"No, why should you?"

Oh, I would tell him a hundreds of reasons.

"Your feet are almost healed. Your hands are looking good. The brace comes off in a few days. You don't need any medication", he said, almost dragging me along with him.

"Are you sure?" I almost whined. "And what about the pain?" _And the dreams?_ I knew they would come back as bad as ever.

"Come on, the pain's not so bad", he tried to soothe me, and I grumbled. As if he knew anything about pain and nightmares, with him being a vampire, carved out of stone and not able to sleep and all that.

"Don't you trust the doctor?"

"Of course I do", I sighed, fighting with my balance. I had never seen my doctor, how should I have known if he was someone to trust? But Emmett was right, my feet didn't really hurt. They just stung a bit and were a little numb, which was incapacitating my non-existing grace of walking even more. My limbs weren't black and blue anymore, already fading to yellow and green blurs. But come on, not even common pain medication? I had been lying in this hospital for over a week.

I had been shocked after I had found out, and worried about my sanity and my job. Emmett had assured me it had all been taken care off. Well, I wasn't so sure about my sanity. Althoug the fact that not even a psychologist had wanted to see me had lessened my anxiety. Maybe I wasn't that crazy. At least not crazy enough to be sent to the psych ward.

So, nothing to worry according to Emmett. But still. Staying in a hospital for days although I hadn't suffered from something life-threatening. And no pain medication. Where had this doctor-guy gotten his degree; letting his patients suffer like that? Although, how should he have known I was in pain? He had never talked to me. He had only seen me while I had been asleep and under the influence of nice sleep-inducing drugs.

Emmett was already helping me into his car when I remembered. "Don't I need to sign anything?"

"No, it's all done", he waved me off, strapping me in.

And then it happened. I got irritated. "You don't need to do that", I seethed.

"What?" he looked confused and hurt and I felt guilty immediately. He didn't need any sleep, but he looked worse than I felt. This guy had been sitting at my side for almost seven days straight. At least that's what the nurse had told me. He had taken care about the hospital, about my job, about my bills, my mail, about my apartement, about the dying and rotting food in my fridge, about the cat. He had taken care of everything. I should have been grateful about it instead of lashing out on him because of my stupid emotions that I never seemed to hold in check anymore.

"Sorry", I mumbled, knowing he would hear me. I couldn't look into his pitch black eyes, which worried me. I felt so guilty of depriving him of his family, of his wife, of his lifestyle. "But I'm not a child. I'm perfectly capable of buckling my seatbelt all by myself."

"Of course you are", he sighed, closing the door and walking around the car to the driver's side. We were already heading out of the parking lot while I still fumbled with my seatbelt. _Stupid brace_.

I was on edge for the whole drive back to my apartment. I bounced in my seat, fidgeting around, playing with the long sleeves of my shirt. Emmett regularly glanced at me, but didn't say anything.

I didn't know what was going to happen, and I felt anxious to get back. Would he just drop me off and disappear? Would he stay for another day and then leave? He had to get back to his wife and his family. Would he tell them? Maybe it didn't matter. She would have told them for sure what a disappointment I was. Would he tell Charlie? Would he tell Renee? Maybe he didn't tell them directly. Maybe he would send them an anonymous letter, an anonymous email, dropping some hints.

I was chewing on my bottom lip, mulling everything over frantically in my head, until I tasted blood.

He hissed and swerved a bit, but stayed on the road. Someone behind us blared his horn.

"I'm sorry", I choked, sucking on my lip.

"It's okay", he muttered, but I could tell he was holding his breath.

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**Reviews are better than Bella staying in hospital for another two days. **

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**Coming up next: BPOV and EmPOV**  
I'm already writing on the next chapter, yay. And I have some ideas about Edward's return ;-).


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: It seems a lot of people still believe this is an Emmett/Bella-Love-Story. I say it again: It's not! Not! Not! Not! Their love for each other is just brotherly/sisterly affection, but really important for this story.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. I'm sooooooooooooo in love with New Moon.**

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**R****ecently in After Dark: BPOV  
**I didn't know what was going to happen, and I felt anxious to get back. Would he just drop me off and disappear? Would he stay for another day and then leave? He had to get back to his wife and his family. Would he tell them? Maybe it didn't matter. She would have told them for sure what a disappointment I was. Would he tell Charlie? Would he tell Renee? Maybe he didn't tell them directly. Maybe he would send them an anonymous letter, an anonymous email, dropping some hints.

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**Chapter** **16 – (still untitled)**

**BPOV**

"What did you do with my car?" I almost screeched.

"I fixed it", he answered nonchalantly as it was no big deal. "Actually, Rose fixed it", he corrected himself, rubbing his neck as if he was embarrassed about it somehow, and my chest constricted because he reminded me so much of Edward with this gesture and it still hurt to think about him.

"Rosalie", I muttered. "I don't believe it." Why would she do something like that? Had Emmett threatened her somehow? Bribed her with another wedding or another honeymoon? I didn't know if I was angry or happy about the fact my beloved car had brand new tires and a fixed windshield. I didn't know what to think about that. At least I knew I was confused about their strange behavior towards me when it suddenly clicked. They pitied me. Obviously they thought I wasn't able to take care about my own life. They thought they had to fix me, somehow making up a bit for the fact their brother had broken up with me. But there was nothing to fix. I wasn't a car who needed new tires and I wasn't a hospital bill who needed to be taken care of.

And I didn't want to be taken care of. I didn't deserve it. My car didn't deserve it. And how could I tell him I liked my car the way it was? It was a broken, rusty tool like me. It was familiar. It wasn't really changing, only slowly withering away. Like me.

I approached my car and panic overtook me as I noticed the brand new, shiny radio instead of the gaping hole that had been in the dashboard before. _Oh my god_. The radio had been Emmett's gift for my birthday. There was no possibility he hadn't noticed someone had ripped it out in a violent fit of anger. Someone like me. I felt so embarrassed.

He had done nothing but taken care of me the time I had spent with him and the Cullens. He had taken care of everything the time I had been in the hospital. And I had nothing better to do than to yell at him and destroy his gifts. Now he knew exactly how grateful I was.

Although maybe… maybe he didn't know. Maybe Rosalie had fixed it before he had seen the extent of the damage to prevent him from feeling sad or disappointed. I hoped she had. I knew she cared about Emmett. I needed to say thank you to her, too. Maybe I could send her a postcard.

My good graces towards her didn't last long.

I knew something wasn't right as soon as I slumped over the porch. It was too neat and tidy. Someone had cleaned up the apartement. And I don't mean cleaned up like I used to scrub the bathroom on my knees if I needed some distraction.

It didn't take long to figure it out. Someone had thoroughly taken away everything that had the potential to harm me.

I opened the cabinets in the kitchen. All glasses, all cups and plates were gone. There were only plastic cups and plastic plates. It looked like the camping gear out of Newton's store. I checked frantically the drawers. Even my sharp knifes and my forks had disappeared and been replaced by plastic stuff. _What the…?_

I checked the boxes under the bed. I stumbled into the bathroom and opened the cabinets, checked my shower. They had taken out my little stash of weed, my emergency bottle of vodka, the cough medicine, the tylenol, the rest of my pain medication from all my other hospital visits over the last months and all of my other pills. Nothing was left in my bathroom besides toothbrush and toothpaste, bandages, shampoo, soap and my personal girl things, arranged perfectly and in neat order as if they had needed my bathroom for shooting pictures for a home magazine. They had even taken my razor and the little scissors from the first aid kit.

"What did you do?" I yelled, pointing to the open cabinet under the sink. "You searched my apartment? You went through my things?"

"I didn't touch your… girlie stuff", Emmett said, his hands up in the air in a defense mechanism. As if I was going to attack him.

"So Rosalie touched it?" I choked out in horror, totally embarrassed. The thought of Rosalie touching my things was even worse. Rosalie hated me. First the car, and then my room? What had she been doing here? My head was spinning. "Why would she do that?"

"I asked her to", he answered slowly.

Rosalie wasn't a girl you just asked to tidy up a human's bathroom. Maybe he had begged her to do it. Maybe he had bribed her. Maybe he had threatened her. _No sex for a week_.

I was almost speechless. Almost. I stuttered useless syllables until I could finally form a coherent sentence. And it wasn't the best one. "So what – I can't even shave my legs?" I shrieked as if my life depended on it, and Emmett furrowed his brows in confusion. As if anyone was going to see my legs or other parts on my body that normal girls used to shave. As if anybody wanted to see that. It didn't matter anyway. It's been weeks since I had shaved myself properly. I could buy myself a new razor. No problem. It just made me angry they took my stuff away for no reason. For the wrong reasons.

"I'm not suicidal", I seethed. "You have no right to confiscate my stuff! You have no reason to drag Rosalie into this! I mean, Rosalie! She hates me!" _Oh,_ it dawned on me. _Of course_. Rosalie would have had a blast going trough my human stuff, knowing how much it would annoy and embarrass me. She wouldn't have bothered why Emmett had asked her to do it. He wouldn't even have had to ask her twice. He wouldn't have had to bribe her, to beg her, to threaten her. She surely had done it with a smile on her face.

"Rose doesn't hate you. And I'm not saying you're suicidal", he said slowly, obviously stressed. Maybe he wasn't saying it. But I knew he thought I was. He had seen my scars. The doctor had seen my scars. The nurses had seen my scars. Of course he would think I was suicidal. But what had he been thinking with confiscating all my stuff? Did he really think I was either so depressed or clumsy I could stab myself with a metal fork while eating spaghetti? That I would cut my finger while chopping vegetables so unlucky I would bleed to death? I could still drown myself in the sink while doing the washing up, after all. I could still freeze to death in the shower because there was no warm water left.

My head was spinning. "This is ridiculous", I muttered, feeling dizzy and weak. This situation was ridiculous. My life was ridiculous. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or to scream. I didn't know if I wanted to hug him, telling him he was wrong and he shouldn't worry about me or if I preferred to attack him. I breathed in and exhaled, trying to reign my emotions in. I was wondering what Jasper would do about it. I was quite sure he would be totally confused and overwhelmed. Like me.

I exhaled one more time, closing my eyes. I wouldn't throw another fit. I wouldn't cry. I crossed my arms, composing myself. "I want my stuff back", I said, opening my eyes and looking into his eyes.

"You will get your stuff back."

"I. Want. My. Stuff. Back", I repeated, glaring at him.

"You will, Bella."

"I want it back now", I said, carefully preventing myself from snapping. The seconds ticked by. _Don't say it. Don't say it_! I begged in my mind.

"Bella, you cut yourself!" he blurted out.

He had said it. I swallowed, trying to hold my composure. "I don't cut myself."

"Bella, I know you do."

"I don't."

"I've seen your scars!"

"I don't", I pressed.

"Bella", he tried to reason. "I've seen your legs and your arms."

"I'm clumsy. Obviously, even shaving my legs is too much to handle. So maybe you were right taking the razor."

"Bella", he pleaded.

"Well, I hope you enjoyed the show", I seethed, trying to hide my embarrassement and anger I felt about being treated like a child. "And if you didn't notice, all the scars are several months, even years old. But maybe you lack the talent of having medical knowledge. Maybe you should try to take some classes in human medicine or anatomy before you accuse people of cutting themselves."

What was there to say? I couldn't deny it. But what was there to say? That there had been a time cutting myself had made me sort of happy, because the pain was under my control? That the pain was nothing like the pain I had been feeling inside for almost three years now? There was nothing to say. I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't understand.

"Do you actually think that's a good idea?" I yelled.

"What?" he looked confused and hurt again.

"You… you… you're taking care of everything. You're taking care of me. You're bringing me to the hospital. You're looking after the cat and the apartment. You're paying my bills, you're repairing my car… you… you…" I started crying and turned away, embarrassed.

"What?" he insisted, obviously at a loss with my behavior.

"You're behaving like you care", I bawled.

"I do care", he whispered.

"Well, you shouldn't", I sniffed, rubbing the traitor tears away. Why did I always start crying like a baby?

"Why? Of course I do. You're my baby sister", he insisted.

"It hurts", I choked, too embarrassed to turn back. I stared at the blurry wall. Everything was blurry. I couldn't stop crying and I hated it. I was so weak. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted, even after the long hours of drug-induced sleep in the hospital.

"Why?" he whispered.

"Because… because… because I know you will leave soon anyway", I sobbed. He would leave and I would fall apart because he had brought all those memories back. "And it's not your job to take care of me."

"I'm not going to leave as long as you need me. And yes, it is my job to protect you. And even if it wasn't, I would protect you because I care."

What was it with the Cullens and their promises not to leave me as long as I needed them? "Right", I scoffed, still crying. Why did they always lie to me?

I could hear him sighing behind me, and I didn't want his pity. I wanted him gone. I wanted to be alone. So I rubbed my eyes until the tears were gone and steeled myself. "I don't need you, Emmett. It was really nice what you did for me, taking care of everything. But I don't need you nor Rosalie. I don't need your help. I don't have enough money at the moment, but I promise I will pay you back the money for the car, the apartment and the hospital. Just give me an address or a bank account where I can send it to and you will get it back. I don't know how long it will take, but you will get it, I promise."

"Oh for god's sake, would you please shut up? Are you even listening to yourself?" he bellowed.

"What's your problem?" I spun around. He wanted to fight? Well, fine.

"You… you're unbelievable. Are you even believing what you're saying?"

"What am I saying?" I asked, hearing someone pounce against the wall from the apartment next to me.

"You… you… Argh!" he yelled, grabbed the chair next to him while spinning around and smashed it into the wall.

"Oh. I'm sorry", he mumbled, staring at the broken piece of wood in his hand as if he couldn't believe what just had happened.

"It's okay", I shrugged, "I know the feeling." Sometimes you just felt like smashing something. And sometimes you did. Happened to me all the time.

He sighed heavily. "I can't take this anymore."

I froze. Now I did it. He was leaving. I had made him leave. The blood started rushing in my ears and I couldn't think properly. He was leaving. He was leaving. He would never come back. There was no way I would be lucky enough to stumble over another Cullen during the next ten years. I would never see them again.

It took me some time to realize Emmett was still talking.

"We need to talk about this. Actually, you need to talk about this. Just say it. I won't tell anyone. And I don't mind if you'll do it. My family won't mind. Not even HE will mind. I swear. Just say it already. Yell it. Shout it from the roof. Write it on your wall. Put it as an advertisement in the newspaper. Just say it and get it out of your system."

"What?" I asked confused.

"That my brother is a stupid, useless – pardon my language – fucking asshole?" he yelled. Someone pounced angrily against my door.

"Why would I say something like that?" I asked, shocked about his suggestion.

"Because it's the truth."

"It's not. I don't think he's… that."

"But you should!" he blurted.

"Why? Why should I talk about him like that? Because he broke up with me? It's been almost three years. And it's not like he cheated on me. It's not like he lied to me. He was just being honest, after all. He was right to break up with me."

"But not like that, Bella. It wasn't right to make us leave without saying goodbye to you. Especially Alice."

The mention of Alice brought a new wave of pain into my heart, and my eyes welled up with tears. I missed Alice so much. I had tried to write her emails within the first week they had left, but her account had seemed to be already disabled.

"It's okay", I whispered, fearing that talking normally would betray me by sobbing out loud. "He just wanted a clean break."

"Oh don't even start with that clean break bullshit", he growled. "This had been the stupidest idea he ever had." He shook his head. "I don't understand why you still defend him."

"It's not his fault he doesn't love me, Emmett. Maybe it would have been nice to have the chance to say goodbye to everyone. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm not good for him."

"How can you even say that?" he almost yelled, looking menacing.

What was his problem? "It's… it's the t-truth?" I stuttered. "People can always say the truth, even if others don't like it."

"That's so not true!" he shouted, and another round of pouncing against my door started. "You are the best thing that happened to him in all these fucking years of this sorry excuse for his existence."

"Well, obviously not", I mumbled, although I had been dreaming for weeks after his departure about him changing his mind and coming back, saying he had made the biggest mistake in his life.

"That's not true", he said, approaching me and putting his heavy paws on my shoulders, staring into my eyes. "You can't believe that. It's not true."

"But… but he told me so. It's the truth. He was just being honest."

"He did what?" he shrieked, shaking my shoulders, causing my whole body to shake so badly I scared for getting head-trauma. "Tell me this is NOT true!"

"I… He… It's… I…" I stuttered, getting dizzy and nauseated.

"Oh my God", he said, letting his hands fall from my shoulders as if he had burned himself.

I stumbled back and almost fell, but Emmett caught me and lead me towards my bed, making me sit beside him.

"I'm so sorry", he gasped. "Are you hurt? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay", I slurred, closing my eyes and putting my head between my knees. It felt a bit like motion sickness, so I hoped it would go away pretty soon.

"I'm bringing you back to the hospital", he said, standing up and almost making me topple over as his weight was lifted from the bed.

"No. I'm fine. Just dizzy", I mumbled, my head still between my knees and my hands crossed in my neck. Although I wondered a bit if I could maybe fake the symptoms for a concussion. Concussion meant nice drugs. But I felt immediately bad about thinking something like this while Emmett was worrying about hurting me. "I'm fine", I assured him. "Just wait a minute."

"Bella", he crouched down in front of me, "I need you to tell me what happened that day Edward broke up with you."

I stopped breathing, lifting my head and looking into his eyes. "I can't", I mumbled. _I don't want to_, I screamed mentally.

"I know it's hard. But please, I need to know."EmPOV

Now it was official. My dearest brother was a disgusting jerk.

"I have to get back to my family", I said, barely containing my anger. Nothing would hold me back now. I would rip his head off. No, first I would rip his package off. Slowly. And crumble it to dust in front of his eyes, then setting the dust on fire. Although, since he had never been using his junk properly, maybe this wouldn't even really bother him. So maybe first setting his piano on fire. Then crumbling all his CD's and books. But he hadn't been touching the piano for months, so this wasn't bad enough either…

My head was spinning with ideas of slow and agonizing torture towards my brother. I was so enthralled by different visions I had thoroughly missed Bella getting into panic mode. "No!", she blurted, grabbing my arm, her eyes welling up with tears again.

Poor Bella. This day had been nothing but a total emotional disaster for her. And she grabbed my arm as if her life depended on it. Her knuckles were so white I feared for another fissure in her bones.

I pried her fingers softly from my arm and took both her delicate hands in my right one, crouching in front of her and lifting her chin with my left hand. "I have some… business to discuss with my family."

Her lips quivered, and I knew what she wanted to say, and I knew she would never say it.

"This will take only one or two days. I will come back after that. I promise."

"But Rosalie-"

"Rose is going to be fine with this", I stated, although I wasn't entirely sure. I didn't' even know what my plan was yet. The only thing I knew was I would go and have a talk with my family about Bella. Then I would come back and settle all necessary things. Then someone from my family – probably Alice – would take care of Bella while I was hunting down my brother's sorry ass and beat him up until he agreed to come back with me. Maybe Jasper would come and help. Otherwise, I could always drag him back all alone. Fine by me.

"I won't leave you, Bella. I just have to organize a few things."

"Why… why are you doing this?" she mumbled. "Why do you care so much?"

"Bella", I sighed. "You are my sister. I love you. I'm not doing this out of pity. You're not a charity case. In a way, it's my job to take care of you if you can't do it yourself right now. But it's not just a job. I WANT to take care you."

"But Edward said-"

"I don't care what he said", I growled. "And I don't care what he thinks. I don't care if he's going to help. If he refuses to help, he can stick his sorry head back into his sorry ass and stay wherever he is. He can stay in his self-pitying shell and lying to himself all day for the rest of his existence. But he will not make me stay away from you. I will help you bringing your life back in order. And I will bring Alice back into your life. I will bring the others back into your life – if you want, that is."

"What's so bad with my life being a bit out of order? I can fix it by myself", she muttered stubbornly.

"Bella… your smart brain belongs in college. You belong with your family. And you deserve to be happy."

She looked unconvinced, tears still brimming in her eyes.

"You're not happy. I want you to be happy. You deserve it. Besides, Alice would kick my ass if I would just turn away from you", I chuckled. "Please. We all love you and want you to be happy."

"Don't say that", she sobbed.

"Why not?" I caressed her cheeks with both hands. "It's the truth. I love you. I will always love you. My family loves you and they will always love you. They miss you like hell. WE miss you like hell. We have been so miserable, you can't even imagine it. Without you, our family is not complete."

. I was just trying to hug her, when an annoying sound out of her pocket interrupted us. "Sorry", she glanced at me sheepishly, rubbing the last of her tears away and sniffing. "But the ringtone… It's Charlie." She grabbed her cellphone out of her jeans. "He doesn't normally call during the day. He should be on duty", she frowned. "Hm. Maybe he set the kitchen on fire again."

I wanted to give her some space to answer the phone call, but I froze instantly and hurried back to her as the words "No!" and "Charlie!" fell from her lips.

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**Reviews are better than Bella fearing for Charlie's life.**

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**Coming up next: Surprise, surprise! **

A/N: Work is still crazy. I'm sorry again I can't update as often as I want to. But I hope I can upload another chapter during Christmas Holidays. I'm writing on several chapters right now. And guess what: I'm writing one in Edward's POV, yay ;-).


	17. Chapter 17 Driving Home

A/N: Not soooo much action in this chapter. But I needed to establish Bella's and Emmett's relationship a bit further. No, it's still not love between them, it's no Emmett-Bella-Story. By the way… Edward's POV is up next, finally ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. And I'm still sooooooooooooo in love with New Moon. **

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**Recently in After Dark: BPOV  
**I wanted to give her some space to answer the phone call, but I froze instantly and hurried back to her as the words "No!" and "Charlie!" fell from her lips.

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**Chapter 17 – Driving Home  
**

**BPOV**

I couldn't remember a moment I had been so shocked the moment Officer Mark told me Charlie had been shot on duty. Shot. _Shot_.

The word rang in my head like the echo of a bullet slowly finding it's way through my brain and shutting it down while destroying brain cell after synapse after brain cell. I could barely hold my phone steady. My hand trembled. My whole body trembled and I couldn't understand what the person on the other line was saying. Was it possible for black to get blacker? Was it possible for empty to get emptier? Was it possible for meaningless to get more meaningless? The world was turning into a black, empty, meaningless hole, and everything faded away.

It took some yelling and shaking from Emmett to get me back into reality and to notice Charlie wasn't dead. Not yet.

**EmPOV**

Charlie had been shot on duty by some crazy female lunatic trying to rob the bank in Forks. Consider this: Robbing the bank of a 3000-people-town where everyone knows everyone by voice and posture. And she hadn't even been wearing a mask or something like that. How stupid can someone be?

Anyway, she had freaked out completely, and the bullet had found a warm, cozy place in the flesh of Charlie's right shoulder. So this was nothing life-threatening, not even close to really serious. But at least serious enough for Bella to panik, to grab her keys, to climb into her truck and intending to drive all alone back to the hospital in Port Angeles immediately.

It had taken me two fucking hours to haul her back up to her apartment and to convince her to call the hospital first and make sure about his condition, to pack a few things and letting me drive.

So now we were heading back to Forks. The place where everything had started and ended.

I glanced over at Bella's sleeping form. Her neck was angled in a fucking uncomfortable looking way – althoug every vampire would see it as an invitation to take a snack – and her hair was all over the place. At least, she was getting some sleep, even if it was a restless one. She was shifting around a lot and mumbling incoherently.

Before, she had tried to stay awake for hours, refusing to fall asleep, pleading me to let her drive for a few hours. After I had said "no" for the 34th time, she made me stop on almost every gas stop we crossed and got coffee or a coke to stay awake. On the next stop, she had to pee… or to eat… to get more coffee… to get a candy bar… chewing-gum… to see if they had flowers or chocolates for the visit in the hospital… a magazine… whatever. As if Charlie wanted to have flowers on his hospital bedside table. In the end, she was slowing us down. Effectively. Even my fast driving didn't make up for it. It felt like she didn't want to go home although she worried herself sick about Charlie, biting her fingernails all the time and fiddling with the seatbelt, her sleeves or the candy bar in her hand until it melted away.

She refused to catch an airplane on a private airport. She refused to charter an airplane in Seattle, insisting that wouldn't work out. _As if_. Money always worked out. If I had showed my credit card, we could have been in Port Angeles within five, maybe six hours. But she insisted on driving. On driving safe and slowly. No speeding. And no music. And she insisted on driving by herself.

She was still so fucking stubborn. I didn't want to tell her what to do or to order her around all the time. I could understand her need for some distraction. But she was mentally and physically exhausted and in no condition to drive. (Besides, there was no fucking way I would have let her driving my car, no matter in what condition she was.) I was starting to understand Edward and his bossy and pushy behavior towards her a little bit better. The only argument that had helped was mentioning the fact that Charlie needed his only daughter well rested, because we still didn't know how long he would have to stay in the hospital and how much aftercare he would need.

Although I felt bad for Charlie, I wasn't so unhappy about the fact that something had happened that caused Bella to go back home immediately. Maybe that was all she needed. To be back home around people who cared about her.

*****

The drive was long. And since Bella wasn't sleeping, shopping for flowers or peeing all the time, we talked.

Well. Let's say, I tried to make conversation. It took a while before she even responded to one of my questions. I guess she answered only because I kept bugging her.

"Bella, what's going on?" I asked for the 27th time.

She sighed. "Nothing's… going on", she shrugged her shoulders, giving me the same answer as for the last 12th times I had asked her this question. It was driving me mad.

"Everything is fine. No, everything is fucking perfect", she chuckled and was silent for another two miles.

"What do you want me to say, Emmett?" she said suddenly, sounding exasperated. "Nothing happened. I laid back to see my life shatter into pieces, while you all went away for some fun and distraction. Maybe I just should have done that, too. Well, I did, kind of. It just didn't work out for me."

I sighed. No, it hadn't worked out at all. "But… what HAPPENED?"

"Nothing happened. My life just… I don't know…" she shrugged.

"Bella, please", I sighed again, staring ahead on the road. "You can tell me, you know. It's not like I'm running away to share it with the whole world."

She didn't say anything, and I sighed again. "Bella, I'm really lost here", I hinted. "I mean, I know what he… what WE… did to you. But something else must have happened to turn your life out so badl-… like it did", I corrected myself. _Please, please tell me all of this wasn't our fault._ There had to be some major event that had made her fall off the right path, that made her change so drastic. The guilt was eating me away.

"Like I said… Nothing happened", she shrugged her shoulders again, and I was starting to get annoyed by her fucking saying-something-but-not-really-saying-anything-attitude. "Nothing particular. Life happened."

I knew I was going to regret this, but I had to ask before I exploded. "So life made you hurt yourself, dropping out of college, working in a dangerous bar, living in a crappy appartement?"

"No, of course not", she said angrily. "That wasn't life. That was me."

"Bella-"

"Don't Bella me, Emmett. It wasn't him. It wasn't you. Not anyone from your family, so stop feeling guilty. It was me. Only me. I didn't drop out from college. I didn't get kicked out from my dorm. I quit college. I took the job in Rebecca's bar. I moved into this place. It was all me. My decisions. The world doesn't just evolve around you and vampires."

Of course not. But that didn't mean we didn't influence and fuck up the human lives around us.

"Your decisions", I gritted my teeth. Was she fucking joking?

"What do you want me to say? It's not like someone made me do it. There was no traumatic incident. No death in the family. Nothing forced me to quit college or start working as an underpaid waitress. Everything I did… I did it on purpose. It was my decision."

**BPOV**

I could understand why Emmett had so many questions. It was a long drive, and of course this was the best opportunity to ask them. I didn't mind the distraction, and somehow, I owed him these answers. But it wasn't so easy to answer these questions. It wasn't so easy to think about the reasons and to talk about them.

I could understand why he felt somewhat guilty. The last time he had seen me, I had been a happy, glowing 18-year-old, totally in love with his beautiful little brother and infatuated with his whole family and their lifestyle. Then, his brother had dumped me and asked his family to leave with him. He took my love away, my family, and my best friend. My whole future, my hopes and dreams. And now, I was a nothing more than a broken girl with no future at all, looking like shit and behaving inappropriately all the time while desperately trying to fill the numbing, empty hole she felt inside.

"I'm sorry about shouting at you and hitting you, Emmett", I whispered.

"It's ok", he mumbled. "It's not like I was the one who got hurt in the process."

"No, it's not ok", I hissed. "You're not a… punching bag. You were just trying to help. And even if I don't need any help, it's nice you offered it."

He grumbled something incoherently, and it sounded like he wasn't agreeing with me. Like always.

I sighed. "You know… I'm acting like a moron all the time. I'm snapping at Renée when she calls me. I'm snapping at Rebecca, at my customers, at my landlord, at the lady behind the cashier, at you." I didn't even know why I was telling him this. My behavior just… bothered me. I didn't like the person I had become. I didn't like my attitude.

"The last time Charlie called, we were fighting, just because… there wasn't even a reason to fight. It's just… I'm acting like I'm having PMS all the time." Tears welled up in my eyes. I wasn't just suffering from PMS. I was acting constantly like a prick. I was mean and aggressive and I felt ashamed to admit it in front of someone else, to admit I hated this side of me but wasn't able to change it. And I was afraid that my behavior would get me into real trouble one day.

I sighed again, dabbing at my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I would save that after my visit in the hospital. There was enough time to fall apart then. "Thanks for driving back with me. To be honest, I really don't know if I was capable to drive right now." Not to mention that my old truck wouldn't have made it.

"He's going to be ok, Bella", he assured me.

"I hope so", I mumbled. I couldn't stand the thought he would die without knowing I felt sorry for what I did to him over the last months. I owed him at least an apology.

"I know you… changed. And that's ok", he added, noticing my angry glare, "but… I don't recognize you anymore. And the change doesn't really suit you. It's not you."

"Just because you don't approve doesn't mean it doesn't… _suit_ me", I growled. But I knew he was right. It didn't suit me. And I didn't like it. Renée didn't like it. Jacob didn't like it. Charlie didn't like it. And this was the exact reason I had stopped calling them on a weekly basis. I only called if absolutely necessary, when I had to keep up my façade that everything was alright. My parents thought I was stressed with college and my jobs. And Jacob… well, I didn't really know what Jacob thought. We didn't really talk that much anymore.

Emmett was silent for while and seemed in deep concentration. My eyes were getting heavy as he started speaking again.

"You know, it's not wrong to be angry. Maybe you should just find another… punching bag", he chuckled.

"Maybe", I mumbled, rubbing my face to wake myself up. "But actually, there's no reason to be angry about anyone else than me."

"Well, I can name you someone", Emmett said, pronouncing the word "someone" in a weird way.

"There's no reason to be angry at him. I mean… we only dated for a few months until he decided he didn't really love me."

Emmett grumbled something incoherently, obviously not agreeing with me, again.

"Common, Emmett… he was honest after all. He didn't cheat on me. He didn't leave without saying goodbye or telling me what's going on."

Emmett growled deep in his chest and mumbling some more, grabbing the steering wheel so hard his knuckles got even paler then they already were.

"No, really… It's me. I'm angry at myself. This is so pathetic. I'm falling apart, because of a guy who didn't even love me. I'm falling apart because of a guy. Me! Me, Miss Independent. Me, who took care for my mother and my father. Me, who was never THAT interested in guys. Me, believing I would never rely on a guy like this. We weren't married. We didn't have kids. We didn't live together. We didn't even… you know", I blushed. "We were only dating. Not even for a year. Then, he left. And now, I have become", I pointed at my chest, "this. I'm nothing without him. As if I had never existed before him. It's ridiculous."

Actually, it wasn't ridiculous. It was embarassing and more than just pathetic. I had wasted the last three years, crying over a guy who had never really loved me. I could have done something useful with my pain. I could have tried some more to get over him. I could have created something or at least tried to channel my anger into something else, something better. I could have re-invented myself. I could have painted. I could have composed music. I could have written a novel. I could have written letters to him and burned them. I could have written in my diary. Instead I was wallowing in my pain and driving all the people away that cared about me. I guess I have never been much of a fighter. I was weak and pathetic.

Emmett was silent for another few minutes. "You know, I don't think it's ridiculous. It's maybe not really healthy, but… I don't think it's ridiculous. Not at all."

**EmPOV**

"What's with this Seth guy?" I tried to sound casually. That mutt-friend was going to pay. He was bad for Bella, that's for sure.

"I love him", she said, shrugging her shoulders.

I almost swerved off the road. What did she say? _No way_. I would kill him. "What? You love a fucking DOG lover?" I screamed. She must have fucking lost it. Maybe I wouldn't kill him, but beat him up a little bit. Then, I would find a nice place for her in a psych ward so she could stay comfortable and under surveillance. I mean, that's what big brothers do, right? Taking care of their little sisters. Carlisle would help me finding the best treatment in the best facility available. It wasn't her fault, she just went crazy a little bit because we left her.

"No, I don't LOVE him" she stared at me incredulously.

_What?_ Now she was completely nuts. We had totally broken her. Poor girl.

"It's not like that. I don't love him like…". She hesitated and stood quiet for several seconds. "I… I just really like him. I care for him. And he cares for me. Actually he helped me a lot while… I owe him because he did never mind being around me while I was…" She stuttered. "I really like being with him. He's fun. And honest. He never lied to me. But I'm not… in love with him. He's more like… a good friend to me. Or a brother."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. She wasn't dating that thing, thank God (or thank whoever stopped her falling in love with him). But that "brother" stung my heart, even if she was right about it. He surely was more of a brother to her than me in the last three years. At least he didn't just abandon her after she started to trust him. He didn't crush her heart.

I sighed. "I know…" I sighed again. "Bella, I know I haven't been a brother to you in the last three years. Not even a friend. I just… left you because he asked us for it. I know it wasn't right… but…". I couldn't bear to look in her eyes. "No!" I balled my fists. "No, there is no excuse for what I did to you. I was just stupid and weak, trying to please someone else although I knew it was wrong."

I sighed again, staring at the shabby car driving in front of me. "I deserve you hating me" I mumbled.

"I don't hate you, Emmett", she said, touching my arm in a soothing manner and I felt suddenly a lot better.

*****

The more we came near Forks, the more she started fidgeting. Another phone call brought us the news that Charlie had already been stable enough to being transferred to Port Angeles. They seemed to have the better radiology equipment there or some shit and needed to check if there wasn't more damage they needed to fix, but they refused to tell more which didn't really help in keeping Bella from biting her lips until they started bleeding again.

I thought about how all this wouldn't have been necessary if Carlisle had still practised at Forks hospital. His eyes, ears and his nose would have been more than sufficient to treat Charlie, not to mention the fact that Charlie always trusted Carlisle. I sighed. At least he used to trust him back then.

I took the road to Port Angeles and pondered about sending all necessary files to Ithaca. Who knew what lame doctor was practising at Port Angeles hospital at the moment. In the end, they would transfer him further to Seattle hospital because the radiology equipment in Port Angeles was as fucking outdated as the one in Forks.

When I pulled up at the hospital, Bella almost fell out of the Jeep in her haste to get to Charlie. "Wait a moment", I called her back and took her tiny hands in my big ones. "Are you okay on your own with Charlie?"

She nodded, her eyes questioning me.

"I have to make some phone calls and arrange some stuff. I guess it will take a few ours, maybe half a day. But I will join you later in the evening, ok? Just wait with Charlie. If there is an emergency, I already programmed my phone number in your cell phone. And don't forget to eat something."

She nodded again before running up to the entrance, still limping a bit. Little did I know I wouldn't see her for a while.

**Unknown POV, unknown time line**

Exhaling, I pulled my mask down and checked the clock overhead the door. The seconds ticked by. I looked back to the girl's body, devastated. She looked peaceful. As if she was sleeping.

But of course, she wasn't sleeping. There was no pulse. There was no heartbeat, only a green, flat line on the monitor. The wailing sound seemed to get louder by the second. I nodded my head, and the nurse shut it off.

Her body was a mess. There was blood everywhere. There was blood all over her face. It clung to her torn shirt which my assistant had ripped off to have better access. It clung to her socked feet. It clung to her converse sneakers and the brace the nurse had pulled off and thrown in a corner of the room, in a hurry to get back to the girl. It clung to her long, mahogany hair. There were tubes in her arms, tubes in her nose, a tube shoved down her throat into her lungs. There were several IV's in her left and right arm, trying to provide her with more blood which had been an useless attempt. The blood had been leaving her body faster than we had managed to put it back in. Her chest was open, showing cracked ribs and a heart that had stopped working over fourty minutes ago.

I looked back to the clock. "Time of death: Two thirty-two A.M."

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**Reviews are better than Bella and Emmett driving for hours… and hours… and hours...**

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**Coming up next: Some insight on Edward's POV, yay! **

A/N: Work is still crazy. I'm REALLY sorry I can't update as often as I want to. But I'm still writing on several chapters, so I will update them regularly when they're finished.


	18. Chapter 18 Running

A/N: This chapter is shorter than the others, but I thought Edward's POV needed to have a chapter for himself.

**I still don't own Twilight *sob*. And I'm still sooooooooooooo in love with New Moon. Can't wait for the DVD coming out *yay*.**

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**Recently in After Dark: Unknown POV  
**I looked back to the clock. "Time of death: Two thirty-two A.M.," I announced quietly, pinching the bridge of my nose, holding my breath.

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**Chapter 18 – (Running) – Edward's POV**

I had been running constantly. But it was impossible to escape my past. It was everywhere. SHE was everywhere. And even if I tried to hide from it, if I tried to escape and bury it, it came back on it's own or I was unconsciously seeking it out in the end.

During the first weeks of her absence, I had developed a liking for warm things. I was sitting for hours in secluded meadows, baking in the sun, daydreaming of the feeling of warm arms wrapped around me, a beating heart under my head. I was standing under the stream in the shower, my white body disappearing behind the steam as long as the boiler provided me with hot water. I was leaning against the radiator in the house, humming her lullaby. I was drawn to fire, almost mesmerized by the heating flames.

It took some time, several weird looks from Rosalie and disturbing pictures of me holding my hands over a bonfire in the back yard in the mind of my sister Alice to notice what I was doing. As soon as I realized I was seeking the warmth I had been missing, I decided I wasn't allowed to seek it. I didn't deserve it, after all. I had pushed the warmth away, I had lied to it, and I had hurt it. So I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to wallow in old memories, to remember the sun enflaming the red in the delicate strands of her long, mahogany hair. I wasn't allowed to think of her beautiful face, radiating happiness. The way she smiled. The way she way she stumbled over nothing and made me catch her before she fell. The sparkle in her eyes, moments before she kissed me. The feeling of her hands in my hair, her lips on mine. The irregular heartbeat when I embraced her. The stuttering heartbeat when I kissed her. I wasn't allowed. I didn't deserve it.

Not to mention that I didn't deserve the images that kept flooding my mind while enjoying rays of sunlight or hot showers. Maybe I wasn't addicted to imagined body heat and heartbeats. Maybe I was addicted to the pictures that came with it. It wouldn't take long for my beautiful Bella to join me in the sunny meadow I was sitting in. She would lie there beside me, engulfed in the nice blue fabric she had been wearing at prom, her mahogany hair fanned out on the grass. The dress only accomplimented her creamy flawless skin, and I would trace the tiny blue tinged veins on her arms with my fingers, leaving goose bumps in their trails.

We wouldn't talk. We would just lie there, sigh now and then, looking into each other souls. (Although, clearly she would look into my eyes because obviously I didn't have a soul.)

Furthermore, the pictures had started to change over time. Instead of lying in the meadow and enjoying the view of my beautiful Bella, I would sooner or later start dazzling her. Her pupils would dilate, her breathing would increase, her heartbeat would hitch, a lovely blush would cover her cheeks and her scent of arousal would permeate the air. Like it had so many times when we had been lying on her bed before I had ended the night by humming her lullaby and lulling her to sleep.

Sometimes, my mind started going into overdrive. I could see and feel myself touching her. I would caress her skin and she would grip my hair with her hands and pull my mouth down to hers. I would kiss her without restraint and elicit exquisite little sighs and moans. Sometimes, I would picture my fingers slowly travelling down, grabbing the hem of her dress and pulling it up inch by inch, enjoying the feel of her warm skin. Sometimes, my hand would finally sneak underneath her dress, earning more soft gasps and sighs while we never stopped kissing. Sometimes, she would dare to sneak her tiny hand under my shirt, warming my cold, marble skin with her touch. Sometimes, my hand would slid over her bottom, earning a moan from her. I would press myself against her body and I wouldn't care about letting her feel all of me. I wouldn't be afraid of crushing her. She wouldn't be repulsed, but enjoy the feeling of me. I would dart out my tongue and taste her skin on her neck and her heartbeat would stutter again. I would feel like in heaven.

But I had no right to think about such things. It was wrong. So wrong.

Everything reminded me of Bella. The piano. My music. My family. I could feel the touch of her warm fingers on my skin. I could smell her on my clothes constantly, even after washing them several times with the strongest laundry detergent I could find. If I hadn't known better than to think vampires could get psychotic, I would have committed myself to a mental facility. I was going crazy. I was seeing her in other girls walking ahead of me. I was smelling her in random women crossing the street. I was imagining her sitting beside me, looking into my eyes with nothing but unconditional love, assuring me she didn't hate me. It wouldn't have surprised me if I had started talking to this image of my beautiful Bella one day.

But I had not even the right to think about her. It was wrong.

I decided I didn't deserve the warmth and pictures and feelings that came with it. That's when things started getting worse.

The more I tried to shove the happy memories away, the more the bad memories and visions started to haunt me. My Bella was everywhere. But now, it wasn't the smiling, happy, loving Bella. It wasn't the Bella that embraced me, kissed me, touched me and engulfed me with her love.

It was Bella cracking her skull on the icy black top in the parking lot of Forks High. It was Bella being tossed around by a vicious James. It was Bella lying on the wooden floor, her face contorted in pain, screaming her lungs out while James' venom infected her innocent body. It was Bella on the hospital bed, unconscious, her leg in a cast and bandages around her arm. It was Renée, slumped in a cheap plastic chair in front of the hospital bed, sobbing uncontrollably about her daughters injuries and pain. It was Bella whining in her sleep, obviously having nightmares after the encounter in Phoenix. It was Bella taking a step back while Jasper tried to take a snap at her because she got herself a papercut while unwrapping presents. It was Bella flying into dangerous glassware because I had pushed her away with too much force. It was Carlisle stitching Bella up because of my failure. It was Bella cooling her arm on my skin, too afraid to tell me it still hurt. It was Bella standing in front of me, the torture written on her face as she stammered: You don't… want me?

Sometimes, the memories turned into cruel visions and I would see Bella getting crushed by Tyler's van. I would see Bella being raped in Port Angeles. I would see James slapping her around, snapping her wrists, breaking her ankles to stop her from crawling away and crushing her windpipe in front of me, torturing her in agonizing ways. I would see Bella bleeding to death in my own house, my family approaching her with never seen bloodlust in their eyes. I would see Jasper draining the life out of her, his eyes turning crimson.

And I could never save her. I was always too late. It was horrible.

My family tried to help me. They tried to reason with me. But their attempts were useless. Everything reminded me of her, and would bring me these horrible memories, would trigger these visions.

One day as I drove around without a clue where I was going, I almost snapped. I thoroughly considered wrapping my Volvo around a tree, just to see what would happen. How much damage I could do to the car and the tree. Or if I could even inflict at least some damage to myself, hoping the gas tank would explode and burn me for good. I already knew I couldn't starve myself to death or drown myself. But Carlisle had never tried something like this.

Of course, Alice had seen what I was about to do and stopped me by shouting profanities in her head and threatening me with her and Jasper doing… nasty things in her mind for the next fifty years.

So, spending time in my car wasn't helping at all. Her smell was everywhere. The memories were everywhere. I had to get rid of the memories. The next day, I sold my car in the nearest town for maybe half the prize it was worth, making sure it would be shipped overseas. The guy behind the counter was happy to no end. He needed the money because his wife was pregnant. I didn't care. I just wanted to get rid of it.

After selling my car, I bought myself new clothes and shredded the old ones I had been wearing as soon as I left the store, dumping them in the next container. Then I ran home and burned my entire wardrobe piece by piece, watching every type of garment burning slowly in the bonfire I had made behind the garage. Although this time, the warmth of the fire didn't soothe me, and I was laughing histerically like a lunatic maniac while I burned every single piece of clothing in my possession. Even my expensive shoes. Alice was crying and sobbing in agony, but she didn't stop me this time and I didn't care.

Going along with my destructive vampiric emotional breakdown, I went back to my room, snapped my CD's into half one after one and threw the pieces over my shoulder on a growing pile on the floor until Carlisle stopped me, arguing that I shouldn't destroy the music I had been collecting over decades and that I would regret it later. Obviously, Alice had called him at the hospital, telling him I was behaving strange and admitting she was scared for my sanity. I wasn't in the mood to argue. I just shrugged my shoulders and started shredding the pages of my books until he grabbed my arm in a vice grip and told me I shouldn't do this, either. I didn't care.

I packed all the remaining CD's and books in boxes and stored them in the attic. Maybe I would sell them over the internet and make someone else happy. Maybe I would unload the boxes in front of a second hand music and book store. Maybe I would donate them to the salvation army. Maybe I would just throw them into the garbage in a minute Alice wasn't around. I didn't care. It was more likely I would never touch the boxes again.

I put a white blanket over my piano and banned it into the basement, along with all the furniture that had been in my room. I had decided there would be no longer any music in my life, not even the one my own hands used to produce. Every song reminded me of Bella. All the beautiful symphonies I had composed after meeting her, all the beautiful tunes I had played while thinking of her, all the beautiful notes my family had enjoyed over the years had turned into a bitter melody of pain.

So I made another bonfire and burned the couch, the carpet, the curtains and all the pillows because I still smelled strawberries and freesia everywhere. It was breaking Esme's heart. I didn't care. I had at least granted her the wish not to axe murder the piano and the rest of the furniture like I had initially planned to.

Then I banished myself to my empty room and stayed there for months.

My family tried to get me out of it. They urged me to hunt. I refused. Time lost all meaning and I wasn't hungry anyway. I was just sitting there, trying not to think of Bella.

I knew Alice couldn't always control her visions, like I wasn't able to control constantly my own gift. So even if I had demanded not to look into her future, I would get a glimpse of Bella every now and then. And Alice had made sure she was near me when it happened. Nothing too pronounced or revealing, but even two seconds of my beautiful Bella, sitting in Biology – the place on her left empty – was enough to tear my stone cold, dead heart apart. Bella sitting in the cafeteria, fumbling on a sandwich. Bella lying on her bed, trying to solve her Algebra homework. Bella sitting in front of her computer, searching the internet.

Over the weeks, the visions seemed to lessen, and the few visions Alice still had now and then were blurry and colorless. And Bella didn't seem so happy. She looked exhausted and was always bent over a book. It took me some time to figure it out that Bella was most likely stressed with graduation. I tried not to dwell on my guilty feelings too much. I should have been there and helping with the exams. But my Bella was smart. I knew she would succeed and go to college.

Because Alice didn't get any visions on her own of Bella anymore, she conjured up all the memories she had of my Bella. And they were a lot. An awful lot. So now, as long as I was locked up in my room, she just kept camping outside my door all day, willing to get another vision to torture me. I knew what she wanted. She wanted me to get out of this room. She wanted me to go hunting before going back to Forks. She had already packed a suitcase with stuff she thought seemed necessary. But it didn't matter. I wasn't going back. I had no right to go back.

In the end, Alice was sitting against my door for three weeks in a row before Jasper whisked her away after she had started sobbing again for hours because I wasn't responding at all to anything I saw in Alice's mind.

That was the last time I had seen my little sister and my brother in law. And as awful I felt about causing my family so much pain, I was almost glad about it. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if Alice got a vision I didn't like to see. I didn't think I would be able to handle seeing visions of my Bella in the arms of another man. Visions of Bella kissing someone else. Her getting dressed in a white gown in front of a mirror, her mother helping arrange her hear with tears in her eyes, gushing about the man her daughter was going to marry. Bella being carried over the porch of a nice little house in the suburbs. Bella being intimate with this man on her wedding night. Her belly round with his child, his arms around her in a loving embrace.

I had wanted her to have a happy, nice, human life. But I wouldn't stand it to see it. And I felt ashamed. After all, I had left so she could have a happy life. I had acted so cold about it, as it wasn't a big deal. And now I was sitting here all day, grieving and mourning and hurting everyone else. They had told me I would feel like this. But I had done it anyway, and now everyone else was suffering, too. I had no right to grieve and mourn. I had no right to hurt my family.

At least, I knew this wasn't forever. This wasn't for eternity. This hell would end in a few years, hopefully not before about seventy or eighty. I could at least wait for seventy years.

But my family couldn't. They couldn't wait for another seventy years until I found a reason to leave this room. To go to Italy. To visit the Volturi.

I couldn't make my family even more miserable for the next seventy years. Alice and Jasper had already left. I didn't blame Jasper for leaving. The emotional turmoil in this family had almost crushed him, and I knew he still felt guilty about me leaving Bella. And where Jasper went, there went Alice. He was her mate, after all. I wasn't angry at Alice for leaving, either. But it wasn't just Jasper and Alice. The days of Emmett and Rosalie going on "vacation" stretched and stretched, and they were only visiting for a few days before they left again. Carlisle worked constantly. He had even taken a job in another hospital, working double-shifts in both places. Even my father couldn't stand being near me anymore, and he wasn't even an empath. And Esme… I didn't know what Esme did. She rarely stayed home. There was no reason to stay home. Her husband spent all his time at work. And when he came home, they didn't even talk.

I had caused my whole family so much pain they felt the need to stay away from me. I had driven my own mother away from the house she loved so much. I had driven my parents apart and my siblings to leave the country.

I knew then that I had to leave. There were other possibilities to wait another seventy years, to wallow another century in my selfish misery until it was time. There was no reason to do it here.

So I left**.**

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**Reviews are better than Edward wallowing in selfish misery and running away.**

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**Coming up next: Some Carlisle, some Bella, and… who knows ;-) **

A/N: Work is still crazy until the end of the month. I'm REALLY sorry I can't update as often as I want to. But I'm still writing on several chapters, so I will update them regularly when they're finished.


	19. Chapter 19 Home isn't what it used to be

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I hope this chapter does make it up to you a little bit ;-).

**I still don't own Twilight *sobbing deeply*. Waiting for "Remember Me".**

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**Recently in After Dark: Unknown EPOV  
**I had caused my whole family so much pain they felt the need to stay away from me. I had driven my own mother away from the house she loved so much. I had driven my parents apart and my siblings to leave the country. I knew then that I had to leave. So I left.

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**Chapter** **19 – (Home is not what it used to be)**

**BPOV**

It didn't take me long to find Charlie's room. But it took me some time to register what was going on when I found it and almost fell trough the door in my haste.

Charlie was propped up on several pillows. He was looking weak and pale, but he was smiling at me. "Bells", he exclaimed. "You shouldn't have come down here just because I got a bullet in my shoulder. It's not so bad! I'm fine! Well, almost, but I will be soon!" he babbled, still smiling all over his face, his eyes glazed.

"Well, if I had known it's such fun being shot, I would have taken a bullet a long time ago myself", I said sarcastically, the blood draining quickly from my face.

They were holding hands.

Sue Clearwater and my dad were holding hands. And the way they looked at each other, it wasn't the first time.

"Well, I can see you already have a visitor who made you feel comfortable", I hissed, turning around and rushing out.

"Bells, what…" were the only words I could hear before I reached the corner leading to the stairs and stumbled downstairs as fast as possible with my sore feet. I couldn't breathe. _I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry_. I hurried outside and gulped for fresh air, trying to hold the panic at bay.

I stood there for several minutes, the rain drizzling down on me, until a hand clamping down on my shoulder startled me. "Don't touch me", I hissed, whirling around, my fist in the air. I noticed I was choking the flowers in my hand to death when it rained yellow petals onto my head. I opened my hand and a heap of broken flowers crumbled onto the floor. I stumbled two steps backwards.

"Bella", Sue tried to soothe me. "I'm sure you had a rough day, getting a phone call about your dad being injured… and then you obviously drove all the way down by yourself without a rest stop. Why don't you come upstairs and sit by Charlie? I'll get you something to eat and to drink."

"I… I have to go", I stuttered, fussing with my brace. She made me feel so guilty the way she looked at me with her soothing brown eyes.

"Your dad was given a lot of pain medication. He still needs some surgery. He's tired but I really think he would want to see you before he goes back to sleep. He's so happy you're here. We're happy you're here." She looked down to my brace and frowned. "What happened to your arm?"

"How long have you been dating?"

"A while…" she looked at me with this motherly face, with such a loving stance as if she wanted to hug me out of pity. I couldn't stand it.

"Why don't you come back inside… to say hello to your dad, and then we can go to the cafeteria and talk about it? I'm sure you're hungry." She touched my good arm, meaning to encourage me.

"I…I…" my mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. I couldn't breathe. I needed to get away from here. "I have to go", I mumbled and ran away.

I didn't know how long I had been walking – or rather, limping. I didn't know where I had been going. But it was getting dark and my feet hurt like hell. I collapsed on a park bench and took a look around me.

I didn't recognize where I was. Somewhere near Port Angeles, I guess. I saw a flashing sign at the end of the street. It looked really inviting.**Carlisle's POV**

I looked back to the clock. "Time of death: Two thirty-two A.M.," I announced quietly, pinching the bridge of my nose, holding my breath.

I turned to my intern who had been assisting. He was devastated and shocked, just standing there, his scrubs over and over splattered with blood, his brain obviously in overdrive. It was the first patient he had lost since he started his internship in the ER. "Close her up, please", I ordered.

"Me?" he swallowed, his eyes travelling over the body. He was almost the same age as the patient.

"The nurse will tell you what to do. I'm going to talk to her parents. Don't worry, I'll help you later."

With that, I left the room, leaving the scent of death behind. I got rid of the latex gloves and the blood-stained scrubs. I washed my hands with more vigor than necessary and splashed some water in my face just for show, as if the long fight for the life of this patient had exhausted me.

I longed for some privacy, some time to clear my head before telling the two people waiting out there that their daughter just died. It wasn't the fact that a young woman had died that made me dread the talk with the parents. Sickness happened. Accidents happened. Talking to the family was something I could handle after all the years of my experience. The range of possible human emotional expression after receiving such devastating news never ceased to surprise me, but I always found a way to give them something to ease the pain. But this young woman hadn't just died of an accident or a sickness. She had killed herself by jumping off a cliff.

The parents hadn't seemed touched at all. They were still standing there as if the whole scene wasn't their concern. As if this had happened to another daughter of another couple, another family. They weren't crying. They weren't shouting. They didn't embrace each other, trying to lift the other's pain. They were just staring in shock. And for once I didn't know what to say to make this easier for them.

It took them six minutes and 42 seconds before they even made an attempt to sit down. I couldn't turn away.

Somehow, the way they just sat there, staring at nothing, they reminded me of my son, and I wondered if Edward was sitting somewhere by himself, still in some similar state of shock. I had always wondered if Edward wouldn't have been able to handle it better if he were able to feel and express human emotions. If he were able to cry. Or if he would feel better if he would allow himself to express his emotions by painting or playing the piano. Or talking to us. Or at least shouting his pain out into this world. Smashing his belongings, hitting a tree, even killing someone by sucking him dry. I would have forgiven him if he had just been doing… something. Showing his pain. Because no matter where he was, he still was in pain. And he wasn't handling it.

The time he had stayed with us – apart from his emotional breakdown – he had just been doing… nothing. His eyes had been empty and lifeless and he just sat there, humming silently to himself. Sometimes, he disappeared for days and after he also disappeared from Alice's vision she was so worried she started following him. But it had been false alarm. Sometimes he went hunting, sometimes he was just sitting or lying in a meadow for hours, humming to himself and staring at the sky. The reason he still disappeared from Alice's vision was probably because he didn't make any conscious decisions anymore.

Clearly, Edward was depressed and caught up in some circle of post-traumatic stress disorder. For a human, there would have been so many medical solutions for the beginning. But my son wasn't human and there was no way I could have given him an antidepressant. His body didn't produce any levels of serotonine, dopamine or adrenaline. There was no way to help him getting better by messing with his neurotransmitters. There was no way to help him by sending him to therapy. Still, I should have known he would snap one day.

I was in the middle of surgery when Alice called me frantically, babbling about Edward burning his clothes and shredding his music sheets. By the time I had made it home, he was already ripping his cd's and books apart.

It surprised me how easy I made him stop it. I had already gathered Jasper and Emmett by the door, ready to tackle him if necessary. He just shrugged indifferently and left after the encounter.

It was only two days later Esme called to inform me that our son had already ripped the curtains from the windows, had taken all the furniture out and was now moving the piano outside to burn it like his clothes. I could hear her begging him over the phone to save the piano. It broke my heart.

By the time I made it home this time, it was already over and my beloved wife a sobbing mess. Edward had banished his belongings to the basement and the attic and himself into his empty room.

When I checked on him, I felt my heart breaking. He had been sitting there in his empty, unlit bedroom on the floor, huddled in a dark corner, staring at nothing with his pitch-black eyes. And he stayed that way, not moving for weeks, sometimes not even breathing for days. Alice couldn't see his future anymore at all and Jasper didn't get any feelings from him. It was like he wasn't feeling at all, totally numb. The only hint he was still existing was when we tried to get into his room. Then he would growl, daring us. It was devastating. It was like he was punishing himself, denying himself everything that would help him cope with her absence.

Maybe I just should have let him destroy all his music and books. Maybe I should have helped him to destroy his piano. Maybe that would have been his way of expressing his emotions. Maybe I should have let him wrap his Volvo around a tree before saving him out of the fire. It would have been better than this. My formerly brooding son had changed into a glowing, joyful man just to turn into a broken, lifeless form.

I had never seen someone grieve and mourn like he did, not human nor vampire. I had never seen someone so broken. But it would have been so much easier if he had been human.

I was bent over my files, but not writing a single word. I huffed and shoved everything away. How could I have let everything turn out so bad? How could I have let my family falling apart?

There had been a time in Forks everything had been perfect. After years of wandering alone in his life, my youngest son had finally found his mate. He had been so happy that Jasper started smiling every time he came near him. He had told me later that his brother was sending out so strong and joyful feelings that it felt like basking in rays of sunshine, light and happiness.

At the moment, four members of my family had left, not being able to handle the sorrow and anger in my home. My wife mourned the loss of a daughter and a son, my daughter Alice mourned the loss of her best and only human friend, and Jasper and Emmett mourned the loss of their little sister. Even Rosalie had a hard time because of Bella's absence. In fact she had only stayed at home this time out of guilt. I knew she wanted to be with her husband Emmett, but she had felt the need to stay with her mother.

I was so thankful for that, but it also made me feel even more guilty. I should be home with my wife and my daughter right now. I shouldn't be here doing office work and hiding. By taking two jobs in two different hospitals I had created myself an easy escape from my home and my mind. And the fact that Rosalie was home now made my escape even easier. My wife wasn't home alone, after all. But that didn't change the fact I was behaving like an idiot and hurting her even more with my idiocy.

I was hiding. There was no way to fix the mess I had created by giving in to Edward's wishes. For the first time in my life I felt horrible and hopeless. There were times I couldn't even remember the last time I had been hunting or had changed my clothes – which was saying something, considering my infallible vampire memory. I was doing the work mechanically. I knew my eyes were pitch-black, but there was no thirst bothering me. The little throbbing in my throat seemed so unimportant and meaningless besides all the pain my family had to suffer, the pain my wife Esme had to suffer because of me.

I had felt the need to grant Edward's wish. He had done so much for us, had never complained when we had to move somewhere else and I had felt we owed him this time. I had promised myself I would never force my children into anything since I forced them into this inhuman life. So when Edward had made the choice to leave Forks I agreed to leave with him although I knew it was wrong. I really thought he would realize his mistake and go back after a while. I really counted on it. I knew Edward would insist on leaving anyway and if we wouldn't go with him, he would go alone. So I decided we accompany and support him. He would sooner or later realize he couldn't live without Bella and return. I had counted on it. The whole family counted on it.

I counted on his weakness being alone again, and it had been a big mistake. Instead of acting like a friend, I should have acted like a father that knew what was best for his son. I should have made him stay in Forks. I should have made him go back. I knew Edward was stubborn and felt he didn't deserve Bella, but I had never thought he was so prone to punish himself and suffer like that.

I sighed, doodling on a piece of paper. It took me a while to realize I had drawn a woman that resembled Bella.

I thought a lot about Bella. I worried about her. She had been like a daughter to me. I could only hope she had managed to mourn and grieve in every human way possible and was going on with her life now.

In the beginning, I had often imagined her crying on the phone, her mother whispering soothing words to her from another part of the country. I imagined her crying in the arms of her father, him awkwardly patting her back. I imagined her sitting in front of the TV with her friend – Angela, I think was her name – bawling over cheesy romantic comedies, eating ice cream directly out of the box and painting each others toenails. Hopefully, her friends would distract her. Hopefully, they would vent with her about the stupid boy that had left her behind and the stupid girl that never answered her mails. They would take her to the movies, going shopping, convince her to get another haircut and color her hair. Hopefully, she would be distracted with graduation and applying to colleges anyway.

I really hoped she was okay. Because, if she had ended up like Edward – I don't think this could be a life worth living.

I was checking the chart of a patient when a nurse informed me I had a call from a family member. I was surprised it was my daughter Rosalie.

"He's back", she pressed.

"I'm happy for you, Rosalie", I said, wondering about her mood. It had been months her husband had come back and stayed with us. Esme would be happy, too. Emmett always had had a talent of making her feel better with his silliness and joyful nature. I knew she felt guilty that Rosalie had only stayed for her sake. So much guilt in my family. I sighed again.

"It's not Emmett."

"Oh… So-"

"It's Edward", she cut me off.

My heart leapt of joy. "Edward. He's back?"

"Yes. I just told you", she said, clearly annoyed.

"Where has he been? How long will he stay? Does Esme know? Did Alice see?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I already called Esme, though. She's on her way."

"I'm coming home", I said, already hurrying out of my white coat and grabbing the car keys. "Don't let him leave. Beat him, restrain him, sit on him or chain him to the wall. I don't care. Just don't let him leave before Esme comes home." She would be devastated.

"Where is he?" I shouted, running up the stairs with vampire speed to find my daughter and my wife in the living room. They didn't look happy, and my heart fell.

"Check his room", Rosalie shrugged.

Esme hugged me with a force that would choke a human to death, whispering in my ear: "I think it's worse." She clutched her hands in my hair. "He's not getting better", she sobbed.

My heart shattered into pieces. I had hoped he was better. He had come home of his own will after all. He had to be better. "I need to see him", I turned away and walked slowly to his room, knocking at the door.

"Edward", I called softly. There was no acknowledgement of my presence. Not even a growl. _Edward, I'm coming in. _

I could feel Esme and Rosalie standing behind me."What happened?" I hissed.

"Nothing happened", Rosalie snapped back. "He came in without saying anything or even looking at us, went straight to his room and stayed there. Esme wanted to wait for you. I already told her it's useless."

"Did you call Alice and Jasper?"

"Of course I did", Rosalie sighed. "They're already on the plane because Alice saw me decide calling you. And Emmett will arrive in four, maybe five hours."

Finally. Our family was coming complete again. Everything would be okay.

_Edward, I'm coming in, _I repeated in my head. Still nothing. I opened the door slowly, went inside and closed the door behind me carefully, prepared for the worst. I longed for Jasper being here and help me. I had no clue what state Edward was in. It had to be really bad.

It was like time stood still. There sat my son, huddled in the same dark corner, staring blankly forward with unfocused, pitch-black eyes. It was like the last months hadn't happened at all. Like he had never been away.

_Edward,_ I called mentally, slowly moving forward. He was wearing dark jeans, black converse sneakers and a black hooded sweater, hood up. His clothes seemed dusty and his sweater was torn in several places. His sneakers were covered in caked dirt. The hood was almost hiding his face, but not enough to not recognize the lifeless, dark eyes. He looked… starved. Like he hadn't fed in months. Had he been travelling without hunting at all? How careless.

He chuckled.

_I'm sorry,_ I apologized_. But you really should go hunting. _I pinched the bridge of my nose, annoyed at myself. Here was my son after leaving for months. Nobody had known where he was. Nobody had known if he was ok. His cell phone had been dead for the whole time, and Alice hadn't seen him at all. We all had feared for the worst. Now he was back and the first thing I was doing was reprimanding him. I was a horrible father. He would leave again before his sibling made it home.

"You're not horrible", he whispered, still staring ahead. His voice seemed raw as if he hadn't used it for some time. "I'm horrible."

_Edward_, I called again, crouching down on his level, staring at his face and searching for any signs. He didn't look at me. He didn't move. He still stared forward as if he didn't notice me at all.

I reached forward and pushed the hood down slowly. He didn't react. His hair was in his usual wild disarray, but it looked darker. I ran my hand trough it and felt dirt crumble under my fingers, falling onto his clothes and the floor.

I sat back on my knees, my shoulders feeling heavy. My son had never looked more human than at this moment.

I don't know how long I sat there, looking at the broken form of my son. I felt bad for not joining Esme and Rosalie outside, but I just couldn't make myself leave.

He wasn't breathing. He wasn't moving.

_Where have you been?_ Nothing. _We were so worried about you._ Nothing. _Thank you for coming back to us_. Nothing. I couldn't stand watch him like this, but I couldn't leave.

I ran a hand through his dirt caked hair. _Alice and Jaspe are already on their way. They're so excited to see you._ Nothing. _They've been travelling trough Europe, mostly France._ Nothing. _Alice wanted to visit the Fashion Week in Paris, and Jasper was thinking about attending some psychology classes at the Sorbonne. _Nothing_. Emmett has been going to University on his own for a while, but he checks in regularly. _Nothing. I scooted closer, touching his shoulder with one hand while stroking his hair with the other. Still nothing. But at least he wasn't lashing out.

It hadn't gone so well when Esme or Alice had tried to hug him in the beginning, but I wasn't planning on hugging him anyway. Not that I didn't want to. Since my son had banished himself to suffer alone and invisible, I had felt the urge to crush his body to mine and hug him to force some type of emotion out of him, even against his will. But it didn't felt right. Edward had never been the type for hugs and embraces, and now he didn't want them at all because he felt he didn't deserve it. Normally, there had been pats on his back or a hand on his shoulder from my side and wrestling matches with Jasper or Emmett, sometimes playful pushes and jokes. Rosalie and Edward never touched, not even in an encouraging or supporting way. Esme and Alice had been the only ones in my family that had somewhat a relationship with Edward that was more physically, especially Esme.

I felt so helpless. I could hear Esme sobbing outside and I knew Edward could hear her too, but he didn't move an inch. I touched his forehead with mine. _We missed you so much, Edward._ Nothing. _You don't have to suffer alone, we're family._ Nothing. _Please, come back to us._

A flash of a bloody body went through my head.

"What was that?" he choked.

_Oh,_ I realized. _A patient of mine. She was already dead when they brought her in today, but I tried anyway. I couldn't save her, though._

"I thought", he gasped, "I thought… I… I'm… I'm sorry."

_Yes, I'm sorry too. She was so young and she had her whole life in front of her._ I knew what he had wanted to say. The resemblance with Bella was stunning. He must have thought for a second it had been her on the table.

In the past, I used to talk to him about my cases. There was the doctor-patient-confidentiality, of course. I wouldn't talk about things I wasn't allowed to share. I just wanted his opinion on some patients I had lost, to check if there would have been something I could have done differently to save them. I had always enjoyed sharing medical opinions with my son. He was brilliant. He would have been a wonderful doctor. He just didn't trust himself practicing in a hospital.

Sometimes I just wanted to talk about my day, especially when there had been several severe cases I couldn't save. Mostly, I shared my feelings with Esme. But I didn't want to bother my wife every day with women beaten to death, children losing their parents in an accident or babies born prematurely.

I knew she wanted me to share my feelings with her, no matter how tragic the events. But this case was different, though. It had been a young woman killing herself. She had jumped off a cliff. I didn't want to burden Esme with it. It would stir up too many bad memories.

Another flash of the young woman. Edward choked. I felt bad for torturing him with these flashes, but at least they made him react. The brace… the brace had just been a prop to hide the scars she had inflicted on herself for months.

"Stop it", he hissed.

_I'm sorry, Edward. It's just… when they brought her in, I really panicked. It had taken me a full 12 seconds to realize it wasn't really her. I worry about her._

"I worry about her, too. I worry about her all the time", he choked.

_It's not healthy to live like that, Edward. If you're still insisting on not going back to her, you need to let go._

"I can't… I can't… It's so hard", he grimaced, looking like he wanted to cry, but not trusting himself being able to stop, and my heart broke for him.

"What if… what if she's not okay? She's always been so clumsy. What if she had an accident? What if she fell down the stairs? What if she married some guy who beats her up regularly? What if he cheated on her? Bella's so trustful and selfless, I know she would stay with him. What if she got pregnant and miscarried? What if she got mugged on the street? What if some villain tried to-"

"Edward, stop it!" I grabbed his chin, forcing me to look at me. "Do you know something? Did something happen to her?"

"No! I don't know. I don't know", he babbled. "But maybe something did happen. Maybe-"

_Do you want to check on her?_

"I can't… I can't", he stammered.

_Why not? We already talked about this. You won't find peace any other way. You're hurting yourself thinking like this constantly._

"I can't", he gasped, sounding panicked. "I can't do that to her."

_You don't need to check on her yourself. Alice could look for her. I could check the hospitals near Forks and Seattle to make sure she's fine. Emmett can try to look her up on the internet. I'm sure she's attending college somewhere. There are ways to find out about her without her finding out._

"I don't know", he sobbed, hiding his face behind his hands.

_You need to find some peace. _

"I don't know", he bubbled. "I don't know what to do anymore."

_Come here,_ I said, hugging him in a vice grip.

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**Reviews** **are better than Edward suffering in his dark corner.**

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**Coming up next: Some Emmett, some Bella, and… who knows ;-) **

A/N: Work is still crazy until the end of the month. I'm REALLY sorry I can't update as often as I want to.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. This chapter had been finished for quite some time, but I had some troubles with the Upload Manager and couldn't load it for days.

**I still don't own Twilight *sobbing deeply*. Amazed after reading the Original Script for "Remember Me" (Memoirs). Can't wait for the movie!**

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**Recently in After Dark: Carlisle's POV  
**_Edward_, I called again, crouching down on his level, staring at his face and searching for any signs. He didn't look at me. He didn't move. He still stared forward as if he didn't notice me at all. I reached forward and pushed the hood down slowly. He didn't react. His hair was in his usual wild disarray, but it looked darker. I ran my hand trough it and felt dirt crumble under my fingers, falling onto his clothes and the floor. I sat back on my knees, my shoulders feeling heavy. My son had never looked more human than at this moment.

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**Chapter 20 – (untitled) **

**EmPOV**

I was driving fast. Fucking fast. I had only stopped once for ten minutes to hunt a few deers down. Charlie being shot had messed up my timetable a bit. I had to get back to my family, sort things out, and then head directly back to get Bella. I had promised to pick her up again. I didn't even had time to ask if she was allowed to stay with him over night. I remembered something about visiting hours and stuff, even for family. But Bella wasn't able to convince people like I was. Maybe Carlisle would help me out with that.

I dialed my cell-phone.

"Where are you?" she greeted me.

"I should be home in about two hours if traffic doesn't get worse." If it would, I would settle for running the rest of the way home.

"You're fast", she stated. "But… why do you need to drive for two hours from the airport?"

"I didn't travel by airplane."

"Why?"

"I had to change my plans, dropping someone off and picking him up afterwards. I can't stay for one or two days like I planned."

"Why?" she sounded annoyed and I knew I would be in trouble if I didn't stop speaking cryptic.

"I had to dump Bella in Port Angeles. Her dad was shot on duty and is still in the hospital."

"Oh", she murmured. "I hope he's okay? Why do you have to pick her up? Doesn't she want to stay with him?" she mumbled.

"He's going to be fine, I think. I'm actually more worried about Bella's health. It's a bit complicated. I'll explain when I get home. Why are you whispering?" I asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I'm trying to be quiet while hiding my thoughts."

There was only one reason why Rose would try to hide her thoughts. "You mean-"

"He's back, yes. Just arrived a few hours ago."

"Perfect. I can't wait to beat him up. You didn't tell him anything, did you?"

"I'm still trying not to, Emmett. That's why I'm calling from outside the house, getting wet in the process", she hissed. "Although", she paused, "it's not that difficult like it used to be. He's not really interested in anyone's thoughts."

"How is he?" I asked, honking twice so that stupid BMW in front of me would let me pass.

"He's in his room. It's like he's never left. Really annoying, if you ask me."

I sighed. "Where has he been?"

"No clue. He's not talking. He just trudged into the house and straight into his room, not looking at me, not even greeting while passing me, messing up Esme's carpet with all the dust and grime on him. He looks like he lived in a dirty hole somewhere in the forest. He even has leaves in his hair."

"You shouldn't have told me that", I scolded her. "Now I feel a bit bad for wanting to rip him apart."

"Well, a lot of things can happen until you're here", she chuckled. "By the way, Alice and Jasper will arrive in the evening."

"Great. I missed them."

"I missed them, too. I missed you", she whispered.

"I missed you, too", I answered, accelerating the car. I wanted to get home as soon as possible. Home was where my family was.

**BPOV**

I was almost feeling good. Not so much alcohol to really be drunk, but enough alcohol to feel a lovely buzz. I would have relished in my happy place if it weren't for me feeling guilty and stupid.

I was a horrible, horrible person.

I didn't even know there were such places in Port Angeles. The bar was almost empty. There were only a couple of guys playing poker in the corner behind me and the bartender, polishing glasses. I chuckled at the sight.

How long had it been since I was standing behind the counter, polishing glasses? It seemed like eternity.

I wasn't aware of the person sitting next to me until he spoke.

"You're still not old enough to drink, Bella."

"Are you even old enough to come in here, Seth?" I hissed, annoyed. He always knew how to push my buttons. "How did you even know how to find me?" I asked, suddenly suspicious. Had Emmett been following me? Had he sent someone to follow me?

"There aren't many bars around here that would hand out drinks to the underage daughter of the chief of police, even if he's chief of police in Forks", he smirked.

"Blablabla", I mumbled, fiddling with the straw of my cocktail. No way I was doing shots today. I hadn't eaten since breakfast and I didn't want to pass out and get caught by the police. Charlie would know immediately.

"I'm not doing anything wrong. Ed-… HE told me to experience a human teenage life. Getting drunk is practically a teenage rite of passage; even more important than prom, you know. So I thought I'm getting drunk a bit."

"Oh, shut up", he waved me off. "I still don't understand that nonsense about living a human life. But if you wanted so desperately to get drunk, you could have called me. We could have enjoyed a few Vitamin R on a bonfire."

"Sure, sure", I mumbled. As if I wanted to be surrounded by happy Jacob and his happy friends. Watching happy Jacob kissing his happy girlfriend. Watching happy Embry and happy Quil. Everyone seemed to be happy around me. I hated it. I suckled unhappily on my straw.

"We could have taken a walk to the beach", he hinted, knowing my aversions to bonfires and Jacob and other people in general.

"Maybe another time", I sighed.

"Sure", he mumbled, texting on his cell phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sending text message to my mother. She was really worried about you."

"Yeah, of course", I chuckled. Of course she was worried, acting like the perfect girlfriend. I was getting angry. I could literally feel the anger creeping up on me, and somehow, it scared me a little. Nothing good would come out of that.

"So you know", I pressed.

"Yes, I know. It's never really been a secret. Well, ok, they tried to be sneaky about it, but they weren't really successful."

"Still you didn't tell me when we met… what… a week ago? Two weeks ago?" My head was swirling while I remembered him visiting me at my apartment. I felt betrayed. I felt cheated. "How long has this been going on?"

"They've been dating for like… four or five months, I don't know exactly. You know my mom had started bringing food over when you… weren't… feeling well."

I cringed while remembering this bad time, but I was still angry. Five months and nobody had even bothered telling me.

"She started again bringing food over when you left for college because Charlie was feeling a bit... lonely, I guess. They started spending more and more time together. I don't know. It just happened. Slowly, but it happened."

"And you seem perfectly fine with it. How is Leah taking it?"

"Of course I'm fine with it. And Leah has no problem with it, either."

"Leah", I hummed to myself. _Of course._ Another traitor.

"Don't be angry with her. We weren't supposed to tell anything. They wanted to wait and tell you by themselves."

"So what did they do the last five months? Waiting to build up enough courage to tell me?" I chuckled. "Why are you okay with this? Why didn't you tell me? I thought we're friends. I have been in Forks twice the last six months and they just… acted as if it has nothing to do with me? And everyone knew and laughed behind my back? I… You… Your mother… It's not even been two years Harry died", I seethed, lacking for another argument. I was acting completely unreasonable. _Stupid alcohol._

"I know. I was there when my father died, you know", he yelled back. The bartender glanced disapprovingly our way.

"Then why-"

"You know what? You're such a bitch", he cut me off.

"What?" I shrieked, my eyes watering. _That hurt_.

"I have better things to do than drive around town for hours to find you sitting in a crappy bar getting drunk and bitching at me. I don't need this shit. It's not even five in the afternoon!" he seethed, getting worked up.

"I didn't-"

"My mother has been crying every day for two years. Maybe it's too soon. Maybe Charlie isn't perfect. But he's a great guy. He's the best thing that happened to her in a long time. Why would I have anything against them dating? He makes her happy. I don't care if it's been only two years. You know, I wouldn't even mind if it's been two months. I just want her to be happy. I just want her to stop crying every day", he sobbed.

I was a horrible, horrible person.

"I'm sorry", I mumbled. "I didn't mean-"

"Just… stop it", he cut me off again. "You don't know anything about how it's been at home the last two years. It's always about you, you, you. Poor Bella who was left by her first boyfriend. Poor Bella who was left by her second boyfriend. I don't want to hear it. There are worse things in life. I'm sick of you bitching around and being moody or sad. I'm sick of your whining. My life isn't that great, either. But do you ever hear me complaining? Do you ever ask me how I'm feeling? I'm sick of covering for you. I'm sick of helping you out all the time. I'm sick of your constant apologizing because you've been drinking again and got into trouble."

I was dumbstruck. He had never been acting like this. I needed to fix it. He was my only sort-of-friend I had left. "I-"

"Just… stop", he shook his head. You're drunk, and it's not even evening yet. You're dad has been shot on duty. The bullet… only two centimeters more to the right and he could have died, do you know that? He was asking about you all the time. First he refused to call you, afraid you would get into an accident while driving upset, saying he could handle it alone. Then he refused getting transported before he could tell you goodbye, because he was worried something would go wrong with surgery. They had to put him under for the transport, he was so out of it. But how would you know, you weren't here after all", he growled at me.

"You drove all the way down here, which is great. But instead of acting like an adult and sitting on his side, holding his hand and helping him trough the pain, you're hiding in here and drinking yourself into a stupor again, bitching about his girlfriend. His girlfriend who has been sitting all night next to him, scared and worried of losing him. His girlfriend, not his daughter. His girlfriend who has been dating him for not even half a year. Which is my mother, by the way."

"Seth, I-"

"I don't wanna hear it anymore, Bella. I'm so sick of this. He had been there for you all the time, trying to help you, trying to ease your pain. Now he needs you for one time in his life, and you... He would never tell you, of course. And you can't even… You… I just can't help you."

"Seth", I tried again, touching his arm. He shoved my hand away.

"I can't even take you to him. You're totally drunk."

"I'm not drunk."

"Yes, you are. And you reek of alcohol and tobacco. They wouldn't even let you in like this." He shook his head again and stood up. "I'm leaving."

"What?" I shrieked, suddenly feeling panicked about being left alone again.

"I'm leaving, Bella."

"But-"

"Just think about it. I have some things to organize for Seattle. I'm totally behind my schedule because of you. You can call me in two or three hours when you've sobered up a bit. I'll come and get you on my way back, take you home to Forks, and you're going to take a shower and make yourself presentable. Then I'm taking you back to the hospital. Visiting hours will be over by then, but there's a nice, comfortable waiting room you can sit in."

"But I-"

"Please. Don't. I can't handle this right now. I need some time alone. I haven't been feeling well all day. I think I'm getting sick."

"Are you burning up?" I asked, suddenly concerned.

"Maybe, I don't know" he said, and I touched his forehead. He WAS burning up. _Oh. I hope this is just a normal fever, a normal flue or something like that._

"You shouldn't drive like this. You're sick. Go home and get some sleep. I'll find my way back to the hospital."

He sighed, and I could see he was trying to hold his anger back. "I told you I'll get you, and I do. Don't worry about me. Don't start suddenly acting like you care." He sighed again, composing himself. "Just let me do my stuff first."

He started muttering to himself, and I got more and more worried by the minute. These mood swings today… a bad sign. Was he just having an off day? Or had it already started?

"Sorry, miss… is this guy bothering you?" someone interrupted, seeming overeager to help me. _Oh, Seth will be so pissed off,_ I chuckled mentally.

"I was just leaving. She's all yours. But be careful. She gets violent and mean when she's drunk."

The guy laughed in a deep voice, and I stared after Seth as he left, wondering and stunned. How could he just leave me here like this? He never left me alone when I was drunk. He knew I needed him right know. He knew I was in no condition being alone.

And I knew it wasn't his job to look after me all the time.

"You're so stupid", I said aloud, angry at myself. I deserved his anger. I had ruined everything with my erratic behavior. Again. I had left my dad alone in the hospital when he needed me. I had run away like a stupid teenager and getting everyone worried so they had to send a search party going after me. I had bitched about Seths mother right in front of him for no reason. And I had fucked up again. I had promised him I wouldn't drink alone anymore, me being a danger magnet and all that. I had promised him to stay out of trouble.

I groaned, my head hitting my arms on the counter with a thud.

"It can't be that bad", the deep voice chuckled next to me.

"Go away", I mumbled. _Just leave me alone._

"He's just young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to handle women. First love, eh?"

"Of course not", I grumbled, looking him over. He seemed to be about 25. He had blond, spiky hair and piercing blue eyes. Quite handsome, but not my type.

"Don't worry, he will come back. Who would leave such a beautiful woman like you stranded out here", he winked.

"We'll see", I sighed, not convinced. Maybe I should call Jacob and warn him about the possibility of Seth phasing somewhere in the middle of the street between Port Angeles and Forks, or even worse, while sitting in his car on the way to Seattle. But I was too much a coward to call him. So I fumbled with my cell phone and started typing a text message.

I started shouting at my own stupidity again when my finger hit the wrong button for the 52nd time.

"Having some trouble?" he chuckled.

God, why couldn't he just leave? What was he doing in here anyway at a time like this at a place like this? Didn't he have anything better to do?

"Alcohol doesn't really help the uncoordinated", I sighed. He smiled and took my cell phone away, lying it on the table in front of him.

"Common, let him suffer a bit. Don't give in so fast. You know, we guys need the thrill of the hunt. He will come around, I swear. Let me by you a drink while you wait for your boyfriend."

_The thrill of the hunt._ I cringed, not wanting to be reminded about anything that had to do with THEM. "No, thanks. And he's not my boyfriend", I huffed, wondering why I even talked to him. Didn't Charlie always tell me not to talk to strangers?

"Yeah, I thought he's a bit too young for you anyway."

"Hm", I grumbled, staring ahead. Why had I bothered talking to him? He would just take it the wrong way and get too friendly. Why hadn't I lied and told him I had a boyfriend? _Right, children and drunk people always tell the truth._ Or maybe because I was stupid.

I sighed. Maybe he would start touching me. I shuddered at the thought. I hated people touching me. I wasn't drunk enough for letting other people touch me.

"Hey, a lady really shouldn't sit here alone without some company."

"Hm", I answered, not wanting to lead him on. I was surprised as another cocktail suddenly appeared in front of me.

"I have some business to attend. So I hope this will help to pass your time", he smiled.

First I was annoyed, but then I took a sip and was pleased. I didn't even know what it was, but it was fruity and I liked it. There was nothing better than a new variation to my normal stash of cheap and strong alcohol. Seth ordering me to sober up was already forgotten.

When I turned around to thank him, he was already gone. And my cell phone was gone, too.

"You have to be kidding me", I growled. He had bought me a drink to distract me and steal my old cell phone? He surely must have been out of his mind.

I didn't know how much time had passed. I was sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, worrying about Charlie, about Seth, about Emmett. Would Charlie forgive me? Would Seth forgive me? Would he come back to get me? Would he still want to be friends with me? How would Emmett react when he came back and I wasn't at the hospital? What if he didn't come back?

"Don't tell me he didn't come back already?" a voice I immediately recognized startled me.

"Where is my cell phone?" I growled at him.

"Sorry", he snickered, handing me my mobile. "I just grabbed it while leaving, thinking it was mine. I just noticed before. No calls, by the way."

His grinning face annoyed me even more than before. I clearly wasn't drunk enough yet. _How can someone be so cheerful all the time?_ He was even worse than Alice. I almost expected him to jump up and down, clapping his hands.

"Come on, this is no place for a lady to sit alone for hours, waiting for someone who doesn't show up. I'll give you a ride."

"No, thank you", I said.

"I insist. This part of town is quite dangerous."

"No, thanks", I said, staring ahead.

He ordered a beer.

I was sitting there for some more time, and he just didn't leave. I could feel his eyes on me. My skin was prickling uncomfortable. I felt itchy and tired.

I vaguely felt him move beside me and I turned my head to look at him, feeling annoyed by the thought of him staring at me. But something was strange. There seemed to be a very long delay between deciding to turn my head and actually doing it. I felt suddenly kind of stoned and detached, which was odd. I wasn't stoned. I didn't have that much to drink.

"I'm sorry", he chuckled. "I should have thought about how the drink would affect you. You are so petite."

Petite. _Ugh_. What was he, French or something? I hated French. I hated French people. They were annoying. Laurent had been French. I cringed at the thought of Laurent and scoffed about this guy here thinking one fruity cocktail would affect me that much. That drink had been hours ago. I fumbled with my cell phone, trying to check the time. But I couldn't make out the numbers. They were blurring and disappearing.

"Stupid dancing letters", I muttered. My brain felt dizzy.

"Come on, I'll take you home", he said, getting up.

"No!", I shouted, holding the screen in front of my face. Still dancing. "I'm supposed to wait here." _I'm not supposed to go home with strangers._

"We're not going home", he chuckled. And I wondered if he could read my mind or if I actually said that out loud? Normal, non-vampiric people couldn't read minds, right?

Suddenly, we were outside. Cold air hit me. "How did we get out here so fast?" I blurted.

"I half carried you", he laughed while I stumbled at his side, feeling sick. He had my arm in a vice grip, leading me to a black car with tinted windows.

"No", I struggled, my brain somehow telling me that dark cars with tinted windows were dangerous. _You're not supposed to get into black cars._

"It's not black, it's dark blue. And you're in no condition to stay here alone. Don't act stupid."

"No", I whined, feeling like I wanted to sit on the sidewalk and cry. Maybe he would leave me alone if I started crying.

"Stop bawling and get in the car", he hissed.

"No. You don't even know where I live."

"You can tell me your address. I think I'm capable of finding it."

I thought hearing him muttering something about not going home anyway. "I'm not going into that thing", I stated, crossing my arms.

Him grabbing me and shoving me into the car was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.

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**Reviews ****are better than Bella sitting alone in a crappy bar in Port Angeles.**

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**Coming ****up next: Some Bella, some Emmett, and… don't know yet ;-) **

A/N: Work is still crazy *sigh*. I'm REALLY sorry I can't update as often as I want to.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: I was in the middle of writing this chapter – which contains themes of suicidality, depression and hurting oneself – when one of my best friends committed suicide. Four weeks ago she sent me text messages full of happiness and we made plans to meet each other. One week ago, I was standing at her grave. Nobody knows the reason. Nobody can understand why she did it.

It was too difficult for me to write about these subjects after that. I needed a long time to finish this chapter and I still don't think it's good enough. I planned it totally differently and I wanted to go more into detail but I just… couldn't. And I didn't want you to wait for months. The story itself doesn't need more details, so the chapter still works. But maybe I will rewrite it in a few months.

I hope you understand. I don't know when I will update again since I haven't written on other chapters yet. But I can assure you I won't abandon this story. I just need to get my own shit together for now.

**I still don't own Twilight. **

* * *

**Recently in After Dark: Bella's POV  
**"Stop bawling and get in the car", he hissed.  
"I'm not going into that thing", I stated, crossing my arms.  
Him grabbing me and shoving me into the car was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.

* * *

**Chapter 21 – (untitled) - ****BPOV**

I was jerked into consciousness by my body hitting the floor and a sudden, violent urge to throw up. "Oh", I whispered, untangling myself from the sheets and crawling desperately towards the bathroom, afraid I wouldn't make it.

But I did. It was awful and it felt like hours. I didn't even have enough strength to keep my hair out of the way. My head was pounding and I felt worse than after my first and last experience of magic mushrooms.

I was confused about my surroundings and it took me a moment to realize which toilet I had been hugging. I had to stare at Charlie's shaving utensils to notice I was in Forks. _How did I get here?_ I mumbled to myself. _And when did Charlie go back to shaving with water, foam and blade? _At least I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday. This had to be a good sign, right? No guy taking advantage of me would have bothered to put the clothes back on my body.

I finally managed to get into a vertical position and shuffled to the sink, leaning heavily on it, staring down the drain and waiting until the dizziness went down a bit.

I grabbed Charlie's razor and examinated it for a long time until I dropped it back on the shelf.

I closed my eyes and hummed to myself, trying to relax.

I counted to ten and opened my eyes. Seeing myself in the mirror after all these months was quite a shocking experience, but not really surprising. I had been there before.

The person looking at me couldn't be me, had to be a stranger. I could see pale skin. But it wasn't just pale. It was bleached, transparent, with freckles standing out like caked dirt. There were muddy-brown eyes, dull and plain and lifeless. Somehow the bags underneath them looked more alive than the eyes they belonged to. Even my eyebrows looked dead. _Can eyebrows look dead?_ I never thought so, but mine did. Every part of my face looked dead. My lips were chapped. The hair was it's usual haystack like every morning, darker than ever, but no shine at all.

_I have to be dreaming. This can't be me._ But I knew this was me. The ugly, shocking me was staring back and winked. It laughed at me. Maybe I was really going crazy here. I examinated my pitying appearance again. _No wonder he left you,_ I whispered to myself.

My hands balled into fists as memories flooded back to me. I could see myself staring at this mirror, like I did right now. Only it had been almost three years ago.

_I looked at myself in the mirror and saw this ugly, plain girl. The ugliness that radiated out of her. The ugliness was pushing its way out of her, reflecting in the mirror and laughing. _

_I already knew it then. I was plain and ugly and boring. He was a perfect, beautiful angel. I literally stumbled through my life, falling over every doorstep and attracting bad luck. He moved fast and graciously. We didn't fit together. Not by our abilities. Not by our looks. He was way too good for me. I didn't have anything to offer to him besides my scent, my silent mind and my blood. He had only loved me for not being like any other human he ever met. I had been a new game to play after all these boring years of hiding, hunting and attending high school over and over again. He had been testing his limits with me. But after all these months, he had become accustomed to my scent. The blood and the mistery of my silent mind had lost its appeal and he got bored again. And I had nothing else exciting to offer him to pass the time. I was plain and ugly and boring. No wonder he didn't love me. No wonder he had left._

_Before I knew what I was doing, my fist connected with the mirror, shattering it. Shards of glass brushed my arms, tumbled into the sink and onto the floor. _

_I looked back into the mirror, slightly shocked about the mess I had created. Seven years of bad luck, I thought. The ugly, plain, boring me was still there. And it wasn't alone. There were several ugly, plain, boring Bellas staring back from the fragments of the mirror that had remained in it's original place. So I hit the images again. And again. And again. _

_I waited for the rusty smell of the blood to hit me. I waited for the pain. But there was nothing. I was numb. I stared incredulously at my hands. My right hand was bleeding and there were shards of glass sticking out of it. There was a nasty, bleeding gash on my left arm. There was blood dripping onto the floor. This had to hurt. Why couldn't I feel anything? Was I going into shock? Why was I so numb?_

_I had been numb for weeks now. I needed to get out of this funk. I needed to function again for Charlie. I needed to apply to colleges or to look for a job. I needed to get myself together. I needed to feel. "Why can't I feel?" I muttered, grabbing a big, pointed shard, slashing it across my left arm. It didn't work. "Why doesn't it work?" I sobbed, making another cut in my porcelain skin. The deep red blood looked odd against it. It looked so… alive. I stumbled back, hitting the wall. "I just want to be normal again", I gasped, slicing the skin on my other arm. "Damn it! Why aren't you working?" I yelled, smashing the shard against the wall, sliding down and hitting the floor, my hands balled into fists, not knowing if I was talking about the shard or myself or about something else entirely._

_I sat there what felt for hours, my hands clenching a towel in my lap, staring ahead. Every now and then I would look at my hands, closing and opening them, inspecting them from every side, noticing the mess I've made. I had crashed the mirror. I had torn my skin open. I had ruined the sink and the floor. I had splattered the walls, the shower curtain and the white, fluffy towels with red paint. And I still wasn't working right. Charlie would be so angry._

I shook my head, trying to get rid of these memories. I didn't remember much of what happened after that. But I remembered how I was sitting there, thinking about the irony of the situation. That I was spilling the only thing Edward had ever been slightly interested in. It was kind of funny, after all. Maybe I should have tried to bottle it and send it to him as a gift instead of wasting it.

The rest was all blurry. According to the paramedics, I must have been sitting there for at least twenty minutes, going into shock due to severe blood loss. Charlie had come back earlier from work and found me in there. It must have scared him to death. I remember him trying to stop the bleeding while yelling into the phone and into my face, slapping my cheeks so I would stay awake. I remember the sirens. And that was it. I must have passed out several times and I was told I had been unconscious for the rest of the day while getting blood transfusions and nutrition through an IV drip because I had been malnourished.

I had to stay in the hospital for a few days to gain some strength back. Actually, they had threatened to force feed me, so I complied. I was afraid of Charlie's reaction and started shaking everytime he opened his mouth to say something. Only to close it again. He never brought it up. He was just sitting next to my bed in the hospital, holding my bandaged hand, his eyes all red.

I had to see a psychiatrist before they released me. Hospital policy. I refused to talk to him. He was a creep and wanted to go all touchy-feely. So they sent Dr Gerandy in, thinking I would open up to him. He told me I was depressed and a danger to myself and I wouldn't be released without agreeing to see a psychologist for outpatient therapy. He handed me an address in Port Angeles and told me he had already arranged the first appointment for next week. And that even I was an adult, he could have had me committed in no time if I wouldn't show up there or if I would do something like this ever again. And that this would devastate Charlie.

He had me there, that bastard. He knew how much I cared about Charlie and how bad I felt about what had happened. I felt so guilty about bringing him into this kind of situation. The neighbours must have heard the ambulance. Some people surely had seen me on the stretcher, my wrists bandaged up, my clothes a bloody mess, blood all over my tear-stained face. People would talk. And they would even talk more if news got around I had been committed. So I agreed to psychotherapy and Dr Gerandy signed the papers for my release.

Nobody believed me I hadn't tried to kill myself. Not even my own parents. But they never talked about it in front of me. When Renée was standing at the doorstep of Charlie's house the same evening I was released, she just babbled about how she had missed me so much and wanted to see me. And that Phil had always wanted to see Forks, the town where she grew up. I didn't believe her.

They stayed for two weeks at a hotel in Port Angeles, but had nothing better to do than visit everyday and doing "family stuff" with me like cooking and having dinner together. Although it was obvious they just wanted to make sure I gained some weight and keeping me under surveillance. Although they claimed wanting to do things together, I wasn't even allowed to help. At least not with anything dangerous like cutting vegetables or boiling water. Or doing the dishes. Obviously they didn't even trust me handling breakable plates. They sent me to the living room to rest until dinner was ready, although neither of them could really cook. The food was barely edible. But I had to rest while they were trying not to set everything on fire. I guess because they had a good look at me from the kitchen.

They never left me alone. There was always someone checking up on me. And they even thought I wouldn't notice. They couldn't explain to me why the key to the bathroom had suddenly disappeared after all those years. Renée was hovering constantly over me, trying to make small talk and pointing out the nice things in life. She insisted on driving me to therapy every time and waited outside until my appointment was over. At home, Phil would pop up randomly, asking if I needed anything. Charlie would sit down on the couch with me, pretending to watch TV. Everytime I came back from the bathroom from having a shower or brushing my teeth or even doing something mundane as peeing, someone was lurking in front of the door. Everytime I was turning my back on them, I could feel them staring. I could see the pity in their eyes. The worst thing was when Phil suddenly hugged me one day out of nowhere, whispering in my ear how he loved me. That was awkward.

It was really annoying and embarrassing, especially when Renée droned on and on about how much I would like it in Jacksonville. But I knew they were just worried, so I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at them. I resisted to snap at Renée on the way back from Port Angeles when I noticed she was glancing at me every two minutes, wanting me to talk about therapy. I resisted the urge to yell at Charlie when they would abruptly stop talking everytime I came into the room.

I was so happy when Renée and Phil finally had to leave again. But it didn't stop then as I hoped. Jacob and Billy started visiting almost every day and strangely they stayed frequently over night, Billy sleeping on the couch and Jacob on an airbed on the floor next to him. Charlie didn't go fishing anymore, but spent the Sundays with Billy at our house, celebrating the art of grilling fish and drinking beer. I wasn't allowed to stay in my room while they were behaving like men from the stone age. At least not alone. Jacob was following me around like a shadow. It was as if Charlie didn't trust himself with keeping me alive.

I only left the house for going to school, to therapy or to the hospital to let them check my healing wounds and my weight. I made sure I was wearing long-sleeved shirts all the time. But as I said before, news travel fast in a small town like Forks. Especially the news about the crazy, suicidal daughter of the chief of police. Especially when her chief of police dad brought her to school every day and drove her to Port Angeles three times a week.

School was hell. The first day at lunch Jessica was sitting next to me and suddenly started crying, not able to stop sobbing until Mike consoled her. Everyone looked at me as if it was my fault. I couldn't go anywhere without everyone giving me stolen glances full of pity and whispering behind my back. Tyler and Eric had this strange look on their faces everytime they crossed my path and Lauren kept staring at my arms as if she wanted to see the proof of my insanity. Surprisingly she was able to keep her curiosity in check for three days until she blurted out the question if I would show her. Before I could answer anything, Angela slapped her hard and the people in the hall erupted into cheering. I thought I was having a panic attack until Angela tore me away.

Angela was a real friend. She spent the afternoons with me, doing homework together and helping me with all the assignments I had missed during my absence. I noticed Angela glancing towards me every now and then with sad eyes, but at least she kept her mouth shut and didn't ask any questions. It was as if we had this silent agreement not to talk about it and I appreciated it. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget. Even the nurses in the hospital seemed to talk about me and the teachers had the brilliant idea to hire a part-time school psychologist and handing out flyers about depression and suicide prevention. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I must have been a real bitch in my former life to deserve this.

I waited for almost two months until I dared to go out again for doing other stuff like grocery shopping or having a walk.

I noticed then that Charlie didn't bring his revolver back home in the evening anymore, but left it at work. Billy kept Charlie's rifle at his place, locked up securely. And after over twenty years Charlie suddenly started shaving with an electrical device, stating it was more practical and faster in the mornings. I felt horrible for the inconvenience I caused.

*****

I shook my head again and took a quick shower. Then I shuffled back to my room and pulled on a black shirt and an old pair of black sweatpants. They were too loose on me, which surprised me a bit. I had brought them with me the last time I visited and they had been sitting fine then. So I was still losing weight.

I sighed. I didn't like how I looked. I knew you could count the ribs on my back. I was always very careful not to walk around in a towel or a short-sleeved shirt in front of Charlie.

I made my way downstairs and frowned at the sight in front of me.

There he was, an apron tied around his naked waist, making pancakes.

"I didn't know you still have nightmares."

I grunted something incomprehensible, making my way to the table.

"And I forgot you're absolutely no morning person."

I plopped myself in a chair and massaged my temple. "Lost your clothes again?" I grumbled.

"Shit happens", he mumbled, flipping the pancakes. "Bad hangover?"

"Just a headache", I mumbled. "I feel weird, tough. I think my drink was spiked."

"What?" he barked, turning from the stove.

"I think he spiked my drink", I repeated, still rubbing my temples.

"Good thing I broke his nose", he chuckled, turning back to his pancakes.

"You what?" I shook my head. "Please tell me you didn't get yourself in trouble."

"Bells, I didn't get myself in trouble. It's you who-"

"Yeah, I get it", I waved him off, "danger magnet and all."

"No, Bella", he placed a plate full of pancakes on the table, looking angry. "This has nothing to do with attracting bad luck or being a danger magnet. What you did was absolutely stupid."

"I was just having a drink", I defended myself. I waited for him to yell something about being stupid accepting a drink from a stranger, but he didn't.

"Eat."

"I'm not feeling so well."

"Eat", he pointed to the pancakes, his glare menacing. Two could play this game.

We stared at each other for two minutes until I gave up, grabbed a fork and loaded my plate with one of the pancakes. Jacob took five for himself and shoveled them into his mouth within three minutes. Then he took the remaining pancake and dropped it on my plate.

"I'm full", I protested, still finishing my first one.

"You're just skin and bones, Bells", Jake insisted. "You don't look healthy at all."

"Yeah, I know I look like crap."

"I didn't say that", he frowned. "And you know I didn't mean it like that. You just don't eat enough."

"I know", I sighed. I didn't want to fight again. I was too tired and worn out for this. "You look good, though", I noticed. "You look… older, somehow."

"Yeah", he tapped his fingers on the table. "We all do."

_What?_ My hand lost its grip on the fork, which clanked onto my plate loudly. "What happened? Did you…?"

"Paul stopped phasing a few months ago."

"And the others?" _And you?_

"We're still phasing. It's just… different. It's like… our power is getting weaker, you know? Like… it's more different to hear each other's thoughts, especially over long distances. And it's more difficult to phase. You really need to concentrate. Kind of like in the beginning when it all started."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know", he shrugged. "At first, it was only Paul. The elders assumed he was sick or emotionally troubled or just really unhappy or something. But then, we all started having difficulties and started changing slightly, getting older over time. The legends say it will stop when it's not needed anymore. So it would make sense. We didn't come across a vampire for over two years, after all."

I cringed slightly when I thought about the last time they had come across a vampire.

"We always assumed that it will just stop. But maybe we just… grow out of it. So we get used to it and can adapt easier being normal again or some shit."

"It makes sense", I nodded.

"Yeah, it does. Or at least it did until yesterday."

I stared at him. "Seth", I guessed.

"Seth", he nodded. "He phased yesterday. Which doesn't make sense at all. There is no rule that there is a fix number of werewolves or that one can replace another one. It makes no sense that Seth would start phasing while we're losing it one by one. And why would he start now? I never heard of late blooming werewolves", he chuckled. "And it's not like he came across a vampire lately."

_Oh. Crap._

* * *

**Reviews are better than Bella feeling guilty about Seth phasing.**

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**Coming up next: Some Bella, some Emmett, and… I don't know yet. We haven't heard of Edward lately…**


	22. Chapter 22 Family Reunion

A/N: I still have some difficulties writing properly. Thanks for sticking with me.

**I still don't own Twilight *sigh*. **

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**Recently in After Dark: Bella's POV  
**"Seth", he nodded. "He phased yesterday. Why would he start now? I never heard of late blooming werewolves", he chuckled. "And it's not like he came across a vampire lately."_Oh. Crap._

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**Chapter 22 – (Family Reunion)**

**EmPOV**

The moment I entered the house, a freshly showered Edward came down the stairs and despite all my good intentions, I was immediately seeing red. I acted so fast he didn't see me coming. I punched him in his stupid face with so much force his body broke backwards through the railing into the wall.

"I hate you", I roared.

"That's a surprise. Thanks", he chuckled, "I really needed that. It's been a while." My eyes bulged. He didn't even hit back. He was just sitting there on the floor, looking smug, almost smiling. This guy wasn't depressed. He wasn't broken. He was fucking crazy.

"I hate you", I hissed, backing off, too disgusted to touch him again. Esme and Carlisle came running down the stairs, shocked about my behavior.

"Emmett McCarthy!" my mother scolded me. "What did you do?"

Rosalie trudged slowly downstairs, not at all impressed by the scene I was causing. She came to my side and pecked me on the cheek. "I missed you", she mumbled.

"I fucking hate him", I whispered. Carlisle looked absolutely helpless and shocked. I wondered if he realized I was only seconds away from beating up his "first born".

"Well, that's two of us", Edward said, picking white pieces of shattered stone from his slightly wet hair. "You know, I hate me, too", he continued, brushing off the white dust from his shoulders. "Always have. But I'm quite curious why you're so angry? We haven't seen each other in months. What did I do this time?"

I didn't answer him. I was ready to burst. But I wouldn't tell him. Not yet. He needed to suffer first. So I started reciting mentally the songs I had heard recently on the radio to keep him out of my head.

"You won't even tell me?" he scoffed.

"Get up", I hissed, preparing myself into a crouch and circling him.

"Emmett!" Carlisle gasped.

Edward stared at me smugly, daring me to punch his face again. "I know you want it", he purred. "Just get it over with."

I advanced fast, lifting my fist, but suddenly, I was hit by a wave of intense lethargy from behind and stumbled over my own feet. "Jasper!" I barked. "Don't mess with me! I need to focus here!"

"Sudden change of plan", Alice stated, dancing into the house, Jasper following close behind. "You beating him up wouldn't turn out so well."

"For me or for him?"

"For the house", she said in a clipped tone.

"That's it? Who cares about the fucking house." I should have slapped him around a long time ago. I lifted my fist for the second time to punch Edward's face, but then Jasper made me all fuzzy and sleepy again, losing my focus.

"Emmett!" shrieked Esme, while Carlisle clapped a hand on my shoulder.

"Please, son. Let's talk about this", he pledged, trying to communicate something through his eyes while Edward still sat there, untouched by everything going on.

"I'm not a fucking mind reader, Carlisle."

"Emmett, language!" Esme hissed. "Show some manners!"

As if anyone cared about this right now.

"Please", Carlisle whispered. "Think about your mother. She just got him back."

"Oh, don't blame it all on Esme", Edward said to him, then turning to me. "Carlisle is a bit afraid I'm going to run away again", he chuckled. "It would ruin his confidence after he finally managed to lure me out of my room and making me presentable."

Jasper took advantage of my momentary distraction and with help from Carlisle, he pulled me a few meters back from Edward.

"I thought you're arriving in the evening", Rosalie frowned at Alice.

"Like I said, sudden change of plan", she sang. "Of the two poor visions I had, both were more than unpleasant."

"So, family reunion?" Edward asked, lifting himself from the floor and brushing the white dust off of his black jeans.

"Sort of", I growled.

"You're a bit hostile today", Edward stated.

"I have to tell you something."

"Oh?" he furrowed is eyebrows, mocking me. "Well, let's hear it! Or should we talk in private? Maybe Esme won't mind if we demolish the kitchen since nobody ever uses it."

"No, I guess it's okay if we talk this out in here."

"You sure?" Rosalie muttered.

"Yeah. Maybe I will need Jasper, after all, before every wall has a hole in shape of fucking Edward in it."

"There will be no fighting", Esme stepped in. "And watch your language, young man", she growled at me. "You two will not start behaving like a bunch of wild, uncivilized nomadic vampires after all these years."

"I'm sorry to say I can't guarantee that", I said, immediately feeling a new wave of calm coming from Jasper.

I still didn't know how to proceed. My angry side wanted to hurl every dark memory of Bella onto Edward. But maybe that would backfire. And I didn't want to hurt the rest of my family like that. I was pretty sure Edward would break down, and that scene wouldn't be a nice one. It was true that Esme and Carlisle just got Edward back after months of not knowing where he was. He seemed a bit better. Crazier, but even that was a fucking improvement. At least he wasn't still sitting in his dark corner, rocking his starved body back and forth, mumbling to himself like a fucking lunatic.

But with what I was planning, I would crush him again. I wanted him to get angry. I wanted to get a rise out of him. He should go and make things right again. But maybe he would just relapse into his little dark world of mourning and never get better. I could emotionally kill him.

I pondered all pros and contras while still singing the latest rock songs in my head. Progressing soft and smooth, feeling sorry for this asshole, or fast and hard, getting it over with?

"Common, we don't have all day", Edward muttered, obviously angry he couldn't read my mind.

"Fine", I straightened my shoulders. Maybe a mixture of soft and fast? But there was no point in dragging it out, so I settled for the direct path. "I met Bella last week."

It took him half a second to react.

"What?" he yelled. "I can't believe it! I told you not to interfere!" he bellowed. He advanced me, ready to pounce, which led to Carlisle and Jasper each clamping a hand on one of his shoulders, stopping him mid-run.

Too bad. I wouldn't mind him to attack me. That would give me at least an excuse to hit back.

But not surprisingly, my wife stepped in. "There is no need to react so hysterical", Rose growled. "It was an accident. It wasn't his fault. He just stumbled over her in that c-… near campus."

_Nice save, Rose._

"She's going to Dartmouth?" he choked, his face litting up like a kid in a candy store, only to morph into a grimace of sadness and pain. "No", he mumbled, "no, don't tell me. I promised not to interfere."

"No, she's not going to Dartmouth", I furrowed my brows. "And why would I be in Dartmouth? Dartmouth was last year, when Carlisle got that job in Ithaca."

"But Rosalie attended Dartmouth until this summer", he said unsure, obviously confused why I wasn't attending college with my wife.

"Yes, she did. But as you know, I transferred months ago", I stated, scratching my neck out of annoyance. "Well, I guess you didn't know. But maybe you would have if you had bothered to call in every once in a while."

He glared at me. "I hope you didn't make yourself visible to her. I hope you didn't talk to her."

"Well-"

"Emmett!" he shrieked.

"Oh, come on, get over it already", Rosalie growled.

"Shut up!" he yelled with a determined look on his face, struggling against Carlisle and Jaspers grip around his arms.

"Don't you talk like that to my wife!" I bellowed, pulling Rosalie behind me. She had acted on pure instinct. It was normal for a vampire to defend his mate, and he knew that I would act the same if he continued to threaten her.

Jasper cut in smoothly again, sending out waves of calm to diffuse the tension. I thought I heard him groaning.

"Let's all calm down a bit without exhausting Jasper", Carlisle reasoned, and I sighed.

"Sorry", I mumbled.

Edward pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger, trying not to get aggravated again. "You promised", he hissed.

"I know. I had no warning beforehand. It just happened. But I'm not sorry about it."

He looked like he wanted to cry, and I felt a little bit sorry for causing him pain. I knew all the questions swirling in his brain as if I was a mind-reader myself. _How is she? What is she studying? Who are her friends? Where does she live? Does she have a boyfriend? Is she happy? _But he would never ask these questions.

"Why are you telling me all this?" he narrowed his eyes.

"Because", I started, still singing mentally not to reveal anything too fast, "she's not doing so well."

"She's human. Human life isn't always happy. It's sometimes stressful, sometimes painful, sometimes hard. There are phases in human life you're not doing so well", he said in a cold, detached voice.

"How can you say something like that? Is that what you're repeating in your stupid head all the time, so maybe you will start to actually believe it some day?"

"It's the truth. It's like it is."

"Do you even listen to yourself, Edward?"Alice chimed in. Turning to me, she said: "I want to know, Emmett."

"No", Edward growled.

"She was my best friend, Edward. And I didn't even say goodbye to her. I didn't look into her future, nor into the future of her family or her friends. I respected all your wishes. No respect at least one of mine."

"Alice, please. Just… shut up. Don't get into this."

"You better watch the way you're talking to my wife, Edward", Jasper stepped in. "You owe her. And she's just trying to help."

Then it happened. I slipped.

**EPOV**

I had never thought I could think like that about my Bella, but she looked… terrible. Her skin was so pale and the circles under her eyes so dark, I had to look twice and check her eyes to make sure she was still human. She was so thin as if she had suffered from a severe illness. Her dark clothes were hanging off her little body. The bones were protruding from her delicate wrists and pale cheeks. Even her collar bone was sticking out. She looked unhealthy. She looked… weak. Frail. And so breakable. There was something seriously wrong.

"Is she sick?" I panicked, thinking of all the bad things that could have happened to her. Diabetes. The flu. Cancer. A severe infection. Her organs shutting down. Leukemia. An autoimmune disease. A brain tumor. Kidney failure. She was human, after all. And the human body wasn't perfect in functioning.

I cringed as a new set of Emmett's memories flooded my mind. It was as if he had opened the gates to hell. _My beautiful Bella hanging over the toilet. My Bella lying on a shabby bed, tossing and turning, glistening pearls of sweat on her forehead, tears flowing over her cheeks. Bella's hands on her knees, her body bent over, throwing up violently in the middle of a parking lot. My Bella lying unconscious in a hospital bed, an IV in her left arm. Bella sobbing heavily, her hands bleeding. Bella kicking around and flailing her arms, ripping the IV out, spreading blood all over the white hospital sheets and even on the walls._

"Is she sick?" I grabbed his collar. "Is she sick? Tell me!"

"She's dying." His words hit me like a brickhammer and made my parents, Alice and Jasper gasp in shock. Esme started sobbing quietly.

_She's dying?_ "What? Why? No! What happened?" I yelled. This was not how I planned it. I had wanted her to have a happy life. To get a good education and a fulfilling job, to marry a decent guy who made her happy, to live in a nice, little house in a safe town, to have children. I had never planned for her to get sick and die at the age of twenty.

In my head, I already planned the next step. To hell with not interfering. Whatever the problem, whatever the illness, I would find the best doctors on this planet to cure her. I would pay for everything. I would pay for surgery, for medicine. I noticed Carlisle's thoughts were in tune with mine. He had already started recalling the best specialists he new in every field.

This couldn't be happening. I wouldn't let her die. Hell, I would even pay the best researchers to invent the pill to cure her if there wasn't any yet. I would travel the world to find a cure.

"Well… " Emmett grimaced, "how did she put it… life happened."

"Life?" I yelled, shaking him violently. Which was saying something, considering his bulky figure. That wasn't life happening. That was death happening. Painful, ugly death. Nothing that my precious Bella deserved.

And then it hit me. Maybe life DID happen. Maybe Charlie got shot on duty. Maybe he was run over by a car in traffic patrol. Maybe he died of a heart attack with all his unhealthy eating habits. Her mother travelled a lot. Maybe Renée and Phil had died in a terrible plane or car accident. Maybe she was all alone now, suffering from an incurable disease, forced to sell all her belowings due to the immense hospital bills, all alone and slowly withering away.

"Oh, it's not that I agree. I don't think it's life that happened. It was us leaving her. She's wasting away, drowning her sadness in drugs and alcohol. It was you making us all leaving her. It's your fault!" he pointed at me, his eyes filled with anger. I saw flashes of her screaming in bed while he tried to calm her down unsucessfully. She obviously had terrifying nightmares.

"My fault?" This couldn't be my fault! And Bella would never do something stupid as drugs or alcohol. She knew better than this. He was lying.

"Yes, your fault", Rosalie snapped and my eyes bulged.

"No, that can't be", I stammered. "I left her for her safety."

"I knew something like this was going to happen", Alice sighed. "I told you so."

"No", I stuttered. "No, that's not true. She's just having a few rough weeks." All the exams before summer holiday. Maybe she had a summer job. Maybe Renée had troubles with Phil. She had always been a bit flighty. "She's fine", I mumbled, trying to convince myself. "She's fine."

"No, she's not fine", Emmett growled. Did you see how she looked? Or should I show you again?"

I cringed at the new flood of images.

"Did you see how thin she is?" _Bella looking anorexic, sitting on her bed, staring into nothing._ "Did you see how tired she is?" _Bella's pale face, her bags almost as worse as mine._ "Did you know she lives in a shithole?" _A flash of some shabby looking room._ "Did you know she quit college? Did you know she works in a bar all night, handing out drinks to drunk assholes who constantly try to touch her and rub themselves on her?" _A memory of dozens of male humans crowded together, holding pitchers, yelling over terrible music. A flash of a couple all over each other in a dark corner, the man fondling and squeezing her breasts, whispering disgusting, ungentlemanly words in her ear. And my beautiful Bella in the middle of all those people, trying to fight her way through the crowds of all those drunk people._

"You're lying", I choked. "You're all lying. This is some sick set up to lure me back into her life."

"I'm not joking, Edward", Emmett whispered, and he looked sad and apologetic. I turned to Jasper and he nodded his head. Emmett wasn't lying.

"She's falling apart, Edward. She needs our help."

"I promised", I whispered.

"I know. But maybe it's time to break this promise."

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**Reviews are better than Emmett beating up Edward.**

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**Coming up next: Some Bella and some Edward, I think… But not together at the same place, same time.**


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long. I still have some difficulties writing properly and I have a lot of stuff going on in my job. Thanks for sticking with me. I wrote on several other chapters, so hopefully it won't take so long again to update.

**I still don't own Twilight *sigh*. **

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Recently in After Dark: EPOV  
**"She's falling apart, Edward. She needs our help."  
"I promised", I whispered.  
"I know. But maybe it's time to break this promise.

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Chapter 23 – (untitled)**

**EmPOV**

"Bella's strong. She will get out of this", Edward said, pacing back and forth. "It's just a funk."

"I don't think so, Edward. This is NOT a funk. She hurt herself and I had to put her into the hospital. And I don't think she can get out of this by herself." Was this guy in denial? Did he really think we would agree with him or was he just talking to himself, trying to convince his sorry ass?

I cast a look at the others. At least the rest of the family believed me and took me serious. Everyone looked tense and really worried and both Esme and Alice were on the verge of crying. Jasper looked at the verge of snapping, though.

"She's clumsy", Edward muttered, still pacing. "She hurts herself all the time."

"You don't understand. Damn, I don't really understand all of it myself. But as you know, I never was someone to sugar coat the truth." I waited a few seconds until I had his full attention. "She actually hurt herself on purpose. She's depressed, she has nightmares and suffers panic attacks all the time. She's a danger to herself."

"No", he shook his head.

"She's drinking, she's into drugs, she has dangerous friends and she's not taking care of herself. There were pills in her bathroom…"

"What kind of pills?" Carlisle wanted to know, alarmed.

"No!" Edward shouted. "She promised not to do anything reckless."

"Why-"

"Wait", Jasper interjected, rubbing his face. It was obvious all these emotions pent up inside us were really taking a toll on him. "You actually made her promise to lead a life after your wishes, your rules? After you already took away the free will how to live her life and with whom to spend it, you even took away the free will to change it or to end it if she's not willing to go on with it? Did you do that for her sake or for yours?"

"I just wanted her to be safe", Edward whimpered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You are one manipulative asshole!" I bellowed. _Wow._ Esme didn't even scold me for using the only language that was forbidden in the Cullen household. _Perfect._ I was just warming up.

"Please, don't fight", Esme pleaded.

"You know how stubborn Bella is", Jasper said to Edward. "Have you ever considered your plan could backfire? Why did you make her promise something like that?"

"How should I have known?" he said, tugging on his hair.

"Well, I don't know", I mocked. "Let's see… have you ever noticed – during all your 100-and-some-fucking-more-years spending around other people and reading their thoughts – that humans tend to do pretty stupid stuff when they're desperate or in love, or desperately in love?"

"Are you implying that Bella would hurt herself so I would come back to her?" he said, glaring at me. "Bella would never do something like that."

"I don't imply anything", I answered, glaring back. "And no, I don't believe Bella would ever do something like this. Because she's not some manipulative jerk like you are. She didn't do it to manipulate you or to rub it in your face, but because she's hurting and doesn't know how to handle it."

"As far as I know Bella, that makes sense", Jasper mumbled to himself.

"What's she to you? You almost tried to kill her", Edward hissed.

Esme gasped, and put an arm around Alice. For a human, it would have looked like a gesture of comfort. For us, we knew it was to hold Alice back from attacking Edward.

"Don't even think of starting a fight with Jasper to get out this", I growled at my brother in denial. "We already discussed this issues about guilt for a hundreds of times. This is about Bella and the fact that we have to help her. Why don't you get it? Did you really think that she would just accept it? And why the hell did you lie to her? I don't know the whole story, but I know enough that I have this constant craving of beating you up. She told me you promised her it would be as if you never existed. As if we all never existed."

"Why would you promise something like that?" Esme asked, wondering about her son.

"I already explained you back then", Edward shouted, exasperated, his hands tugging on his hair again. "We already did enough damage. I did enough damage. I wanted her to go on with her life without any interference from me. She should move on. I didn't want her to hold on to me or everyone else."

"So that's why you took all the stuff away?" Rosalie hissed. "You're a jerk." _Go, Rosie._

"You took her stuff away?" Carlisle inquired. "What stuff?"

"He took the gifts we gave her to her 18th birthday. The tickets, the CD… He even ripped out the pictures of him from her photobook. You really thought that would make it easier for her?" I wondered if he was also the one who ripped the stereo out of her truck. Maybe I had been wrong. Bella hadn't always locked her truck because she thought nobody would steal it anyway. And the radio had been one of the more pricy ones, so I just assumed it had been stolen. But maybe it wasn't some street kid who took the opportunity to sell it. I had to ask him about that later.

Edward just looked at me, flabbergasted.

"You know, you can take away the things that remind her of you… but you can't take away her memories. She loves you. Of course she will still remember her birthday, and the gifts, and the pictures. The human mind isn't just like a sieve like you want to believe", Carlisle said thoughtfully.

"These were gifts, Edward. You had no right to take them away", Esme sighed.

"I didn't know it would go like this", Edward said, his fist pounding into the wall right next to him. Esme didn't even flinch about the destruction. I had never seen her so unhappy in all my vampire years, but I knew that the hole in the wall wasn't the cause of it.

Jasper made up his mind, then. "You know, at first I thought that maybe you just never thought this through. You were too much in a hurry to do it thoroughly, to put a lot of distance between us and her as fast as possible. But that's not true. You thought about it. At least you thought of one possibility, the possibility of her doing something stupid. So you made her promise something in return. You made her promise not to do anything reckless. I bet you lied about the reason, but the real reason was you."

"No", he mumbled, pacing again.

If he kept this up, he would create a circle in the stone floor. "I bet you told her it was for her own sake. Or for her parents' sake. Most likely Charlie's sake. But the real reason is you couldn't live with yourself if she got hurt because of you. Was taking the gifts away also for her own sake?" I hissed. This guy was making me fucking angry. He had made her promise not to do anything stupid while slowly killing her from the inside.

"No, no that's not what I wanted."

"So you knew there was a possibility she would do something like that, but decided to risk it and to leave anyway?" Rosalie growled. She looked disgusted, and I didn't blame her.

"No, I-"

"You were in such a hurry you never considered her trying to follow you", I cut him off.

"What?" he stopped pacing. Finally. I was already getting dizzy with him walking around in circles in full vampire speed.

"She tried to follow you after you had vanished. She got lost in the woods."

"Yes, I heard her trying to follow me. That's why I didn't get in too far", Edward sighed. "But leave it to Bella to get lost anyway."

"Leave it to Bella? Leave it to Bella?" I bellowed, getting louder with every word. "She was missing for hours. They found her by morning, barely conscious, her clothes fully drenched. She had been out there all night, wandering around by herself. She could have died out there. They even organized a search party. It was one of the Quileute guys who found her."

"I didn't want that", he exclaimed, looking a bit shocked. Please, what had he expected? Couldn't he have broken up with her in Charlie's kitchen or something?

"But she wasn't hurt", he mumbled to himself, pacing again. "Right? She wasn't hurt." His behavior was so fucking exhausting. Why didn't he get the point already? This wasn't us going to lead anywhere.

"Rose, please bring the stuff we confiscated in Bella's shithole of apartment."

"You confiscated her stuff?" Edward gasped. "How dare you to invade her privacy like that! You had no right-"

"Shut up", Rosalie hissed, already back with the yellow plastic bag, dumping its content onto the table in the living room.

Carlisle approached the pile and checked some of the bottles and their labels, sighing. "That's not good."

"What's all this?" Alice piped up. I noticed then she hasn't said much all the time, which was really unusual for her. Was she monitoring the future? I hoped this was the right way to bring Edward on the track again.

I pointed at the pile. "That's stuff we found mostly in her bathroom. Some of it was hidden under her bed or stuffed in the kitchen drawers." It hadn't been really difficult to find it after we had known what to look for. Vampire smell and all.

"We didn't know exactly what's okay to leave there, so we took it all", Rosalie explained. "Guess she wasn't really happy when she found out", she looked at me. _No, she wasn't._

"That's Tylenol and Aspirin", Edward said, fingering different bottles. "Bella gets headaches a lot when she has her period. It's not dangerous; she only needs one pill usually. And if she's in college, she needs to study a lot, reading books with fine print and sitting in front of the computer for hours. And you took her razors? Did you empty her bathroom? And why didn't you bring the cleaning stuff from the kitchen? You know it's dangerous when you swallow detergents."

"Stop with all the fucking sarcasm already", I bellowed. "What about the anxiety pills and the antidepressants? What about the fact that some bottles aren't labeled or have prescriptions labels for other people on it?"

I shoved several bottles in his face. "Why would Charlie need Xanax? Or Lithium? He's either anxious nor manic-depressive. And as far as I know, Angela Weber was never borderline-psychotic, nor did Mike Newton have any behavioral problems… besides being overly annoying, maybe."

Everyone looked baffled, Carlisle exceptionally. "Hey, I looked that shit up. I'm not just paranoid and made everything up to see what happens. I know what these meds are for. There is some bad shit going on with Bella, and we have to help her."

Rosalie kissed my cheek, and I pulled her closer to me.

"It's bad, isn't it", Alice whispered.

Carlisle was still checking all the labels. "Even if these were prescribed to her, there are too many of them. No doctor would give her these large amounts of pills at once. She could easily overdose." He compared the bottles. "Some were prescribed by Dr Gerandy. Anxiety, depression… hm… Dr. Snow… It would make sense…" he trailed off, mumbling to himself a bit before he spoke to us again. "But these are from Dr Willis, a doctor in Port Angeles, and these are from Dr Hunter in Seattle." He sorted through all the bottles again, and I felt sick in my stomach. "With her weight, she would never need such doses. And it's really dangerous to mix them. No doctor who has her file would prescribe these together. It looks like Bella did some doctor shopping and forged prescriptions. That's typical addictional behavior."

"Maybe she sold them. You told me once that kids in college do that a lot?" Esme pleaded towards Carlisle. "Maybe she just needed the money and sold them to her classmates? Or maybe she stashed them for someone else? Emmett said some were hidden under her bed. Maybe someone threatened her to do it?" She seemed desperate to find an explanation that involved Bella not actually using the pills, although they were found in her place.

"Maybe she wanted to help", Edward agreed, nodding vigorously. "She's always so selfless. Maybe she took them away from someone else. Maybe some of her friends got into trouble…" he said, holding a prescription for Ritalin. "Medical students do that a lot", he nodded to himself.

"Stop with your denial. Even if she sold most of them… She had withdrawal symptoms, Edward."

"What?" Carlisle asked, shocked.

"I never saw her pop any of these pills. But when she cut her feet on glass and I had to bring her to the hospital to stitch up her wounds, she got worse every hour. Then she got seizures…"

"No!" Carlisle gasped.

"They thought it because of the alcohol, but they found amphetamines and benzos and other stuff in her blood when they did the drug tests…"

"Oh Bella", Esme sobbed.

"So you took her to rehab?" Carlisle asked.

"No. They put her in a coma or something for detoxing. Then I took her back to her place, trying to set up a plan, but then was this phone call-"

"Why did you that, Emmett? Bella needs rehab and therapy."

"But she's clean."

"But she can still relapse. Or overdose."

"Charlie was shot?" Edward yelled suddenly.

_Oh. Yeah_. He _was_ reading my mind.

"Yes, that's why I took her to Port Angeles. And that's why I came to visit sooner as expected. I wanted to discuss with Carlisle how to proceed. I didn't know you all would be here." I should have counted on Alice, though.

"But Charlie's fine?" Alice wanted to know, the same time as Carlisle asked: "So now she's all on her own?"

"Yes, he's fine for now. No, she's not on her own. She's visiting Charlie in the hospital. Nothing's going to happen to her." _Damn._ Six other vampires thinking in vampire speed and asking questions all the time in vampire speed was exhausting. Good thing I couldn't read their minds. That would have been a helluva lot of shouting in my brain.

"So Bella had been in detox only days ago?" Carlisle wanted to know, still in doctor mode.

I nodded. I already told him that. Why couldn't we just get over this already? I had an appointment this evening.

"But then she needs constant supervision, Emmett. She needs therapy. Give me the name of the doctor, so I can ask him to send me her files. I will set up something."

"Um… there is no file. It was kinda… off the record", I mumbled.

"Why?" Carlisle looked thunderstruck. "Please tell me you didn't detox her at home all by yourself."

"Of course not. I already told you she was put into a coma in the hospital. I paid the doctor so he wouldn't leave any proof of her staying there behind."

"Why?" Rosalie asked. _Oh._ Guess I hadn't told her that.

"I didn't want to ruin any chances for her. And I didn't want Charlie to know. If they got her old files from Forks, they would have called her parents. And she had no insurance anyway. Not to forget the fact we promised Edward to leave her alone", I glared at him. "I didn't know what to do. It was an emergency; I had to decide quickly. I didn't know there would be complications."

"You could have called me to get some advice", Carlisle sighed.

"What's the problem here?" I bellowed, exasperated. "I just wanted to help. I know according to Edward I shouldn't have meddled with her life, but I couldn't just leave her alone in all this. "

"Yes, I know, Emmett", Carlisle tried to soothe me. "But that's not the help Bella needs right now. I could have arranged something without Charlie to get wind of it, without leaving traces behind." He muttered to himself again before he looked at me with a serious expression, pointing a finger at me. "Emmett, I want you to get in contact with this doctor. Bribe him, force him, scare him to death, whatever. I need to know about what happened during detox and what meds he gave her. And I need to know about the seizures. Then we take her somewhere where she gets the help she needs. We can make it look like she got accepted for an internship; granted by some branch of the Cullen Foundation. Jasper", he turned, "get Jenks prepared for it. And tell him to check into Bella's and Charlie's insurance. There will be a bunch of hospital bills to pay. I will call the hospital in Port Angeles to get information on Charlie's case. Esme, pack our things. I think we need to relocate soon. Maybe we even have to move back to Forks."

"What, what, what?" Edward yelled, getting louder with every word. "What are you doing?" He stared at us like a crazy person, as if he couldn't believe what we were doing.

"Edward, Bella's family. She needs our help. And Charlie's family, too. They both need our help. Bella needs a stable environment. She needs encouragement and friends. And who will take care of Charlie while Bella's going to rehab? I don't even know yet the extent of his injuries."

"Shoulder wound, I think", I mumbled. I felt so stupid. I had done everything wrong like always. "I'm sorry", I whispered.

"You did great", Jasper clapped a hand on my shoulder to comfort me. "You're not a doctor. You couldn't have known what's best."

"I could have trusted Carlisle. It's not like he would have ratted me out immediately."

"Alice, did you see this?" Edward demanded.

"You told me not to look."

"I know what I said", he stated, pinching the bridge of his nose. "But I know you were quite attuned to Bella with me worrying all the time. Before we left, I begged you a hundred of times to look out for her. I know you didn't need to try anymore to get a glimpse of her."

"You know I got some pictures. But I showed them all to you and you never cared."

"What are you hiding?" he said, approaching her like a lunatic vampire stalking some fresh meat.

"I'm not hiding anything", she said, taking a few steps back. "I didn't know."

"Watch your step!" Jasper hissed, rushing in between them to protect his mate.

"Get me a picture of her. Show me."

"I didn't have any visions for months of Bella, Edward. Today has been the first time in weeks I even had a vision in general."

"Do it."

They glared at each other in silence for several minutes until Alice closed her eyes and tried to concentrate. Nothing happened, and Edward was getting impatient, tapping his foot.

After a while, Alice opened her eyes again. "This is not helping me."

"Please", Edward whispered. "I need to know."

"I'm trying, Edward. You know, she was my best friend. I also need to know."

We waited for another two minutes, and now I was the one getting impatient. Finally, her eyes glazed over, lost in a vision.

"What does that mean?" Edward wondered. Stupid mind reading gift.

"I don't know. I can't see properly…" Alice trailed off. Jasper touched her shoulder, trying to help her relax. But it didn't seem to get her anywhere. "It's not working", she huffed. "Everytime I get a glimpse of her, everything goes black or seems to disappear."

"Try again", he demanded.

"I'm trying, Edward." She concentrated again. "She's somewhere… in a building…"

"That really helps me a lot, Alice."

Alice glared at him.

"You know guys, can we just do something already? Bella's visiting Charlie, and that's it. She's taking drugs and abusing alcohol. She hurts herself. She needs rehab. You're promise was useless, and us leaving her didn't do much good, I'm afraid. How much more proof do you need, Edward? Isn't my memory enough?"

I knew I played dirty, picturing all the times I had seen them together, happy and in love, smiling all over their faces, only to shom him all the images of Bella suffering.

Edward winced, his eyes clouding in pain. "Stop", he whimpered. "Emmett…" Just a few more… maybe one of Bella thrashing in her hospital bed again?

Suddenly, Jasper grabbed my arm. "Stop. I can barely stand it", he gasped. "The pain. All this guilt… please…"

"Sorry", I mumbled. "He should know what he did to her. What WE did to her. This stupid plan of leaving totally backfired." He deserved to go through pain. Bella had lived in pain for years now.

"He's right", Edward agreed. "I deserve it. Show me the rest, Emmett."

"Edward", Jasper said through clenched teeth.

I was torn between tormenting my stupid brother some more and to save Jasper from this punishment. He already suffered enough with all this tension and pain in the air.

"I… I have to go", Edward suddenly mumbled, trying to make a quick exit.

"What?" I roared. "Oh no, mister", I said, grabbing him around the waist.

"Let him go", Alice said.

"Alice!" I yelled, not believing why she would say something like that.

"Let him go", she repeated, and Edward used my current inattendance to slip out of my grasp and run out of the house. Nobody stopped him.

"Alice! Why… He can't just run away again. He has to fix this!"

"He's not running away. He just has to… see for himself."

"He can't see her. She's not ready", I shook my head. "He can't."

"He's not ready either, I think", Jasper mumbled to himself.

"He's not going to see her. He's going to visit her place", Alice said, her eyes glazed over, lost in a vision again. "We should follow him. He won't take it so well…"

"Well, I can't", I stated. "I have to get back to Port Angeles. I promised Bella to pick her up from the hospital." And I needed some well earned break from Edward anyway before I really punched him in the face again.

"Ok", Carlisle said, "change of plan. Emmett, go back to Port Angeles. Call me as soon as possible how it's going with this doctor and Bella's files. If that stupid git doesn't want to cooperate, tell him we're going to sue him for breaking at least 12 different medical laws. Alice and Jasper, I guess it's best if you two go after Edward. Jasper can handle things with Jenks on the way. Esme can start packing and deal with our move to Forks. I will organize all medical stuff for Bella and Charlie and all necessities for our departure. As far as I know, there is always an open position for me at Forks hospital. Otherwise, we'll settle in Port Angeles or Seattle."

"I guess I will help packing, then", Rosalie muttered.

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Reviews are better than Emmett torturing Edward with Bella pictures.**

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Coming up next: Some Bella and some Edward, I think… But still not together at the same place, same time. Don't worry, they can't evade each other for long anymore.**


	24. Chapter 24 Visits and Memories

A/N: OMG, I'm so embarrassed! I'm sorry this took so long. This chapter was so difficult to write; I'm still lacking a lot of English words and phrases to write out what's in my head. Thanks for sticking with me. Your reviews give me a lot of encouragement. In the meantime, I wrote on several other chapters, so hopefully my procrastination wasn't wasted.

I just noticed that FanFiction took out all my "break-signs" (which indicates a time-break in the story or author's notes). I hope you didn't get confused on earlier chapters. I'll try to re-upload my earlier chapters.

**I still don't own Twilight *sniff*. Going to see eclipse this week *yay*.**

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Recently in After Dark: EmPOV  
**"Let him go", she repeated, and Edward used my current inattendance to slip out of my grasp and run out of the house. Nobody stopped him.  
"Alice! Why… He can't just run away again. He has to fix this!"  
"He's not running away. He just has to… see for himself."

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Chapter 24 – Visits and Memories – BPOV**

After Jake had left to check up on Seth, I sat in the kitchen, feeling lost in my memories. I had another hour before Jake would pick me up to finally visit Charlie.

It felt weird being home again. Because somehow, this was home and felt familiar, but at the same time, it wasn't. There were too many sad memories that made my heart ache, and every time I came back, it felt like it was getting worse. I felt more and more alienated in this place I used to call home.

This kitchen wasn't just a kitchen anymore. It was a kitchen without him sitting in the chair opposite, watching me eat breakfast and complaining about the weird smell of my cheerios. It was a kitchen without him watching me cooking or helping me with washing the dishes… without him flicking me with soapy water and warming my heart with his beautiful, velvety laugh. The living room was just a room without him sitting next to me, speaking the lines of all these romantic movies by heart while fiddling with my hair. My room was just an ordinary room without him lying next to me watching me sleep, humming my lullaby. This whole house was just… empty. And it seemed I didn't belong here anymore.

Also, it made me really anxious to see how similar I had become to Charlie. Living in a place where ghosts of former inhabitants and visitors lingered. He lived in a house with spirits and traces of Renée and me, and I lived in a house full of rooms without Edward.

For me, not only the house, but the whole town was a place without Edward. That's why it pained me so much to visit. Every visit was just going to be another visit to Forks without him. Everything here reminded me of him. Forks Hospital was a place where I had countless visits to make for my clumsiness, but Carlisle was always quick and efficient and had a great talent of distracting me from the pain and the weird smell of blood and desinfectants. There was Forks High School where Edward and I had spent so much time together, sitting next to each other in every class or spending lunchtime with his family. The Thriftway, the little path that leads up to the Cullen mansion... The memories were everywhere. And visiting La Push was still as painful, although for other reasons…

Had it been like this for Charlie, too? Did Charlie feel the same about the house, about this town? Is that why he never left? I didn't dare to ask him for fearing his answer. How many more years would it take for me to feel normal again? Seeing a Volvo commercial still made me want to scream. Seeing an announcment for Romeo and Juliet in the TV magazine still made me want to vomit. This wasn't normal, I was aware of that. At least Charlie had something like a life. But he still lived in the same house he had bought for his family and never changed anything; even after his family had left and moved across the country. I didn't want to end like this. I didn't want to stay in a place just because it represented a shadow of a former, happier life. I shuddered.

I let my eyes wander around the room, taking in the yellow cabinets my mother had painted over twenty years ago, the pictures on the walls, the fishing pole propped in the corner, ready for the next fishing trip. Sure, some things had changed over the years. There were the black marks on the doorframe to show how much I had grown over the the summer. There was some paint on the kitchen table where I had tried to do some art when I was little. On of the trees behind the house had to be chopped down after he had fallen ill, and there was a new flat screen TV in the living room after the old one had finally broken down last year. Not to forget the new bathroom mirror. But for an outsider, everything looked exactly the same it had when my mother had packed all our stuff to leave for good. There were the same yellow cabinets in the kitchen. There were the same green curtains in the living room, along with the same green couch and the same wooden table. There were the same old childhood pictures of me all over the rooms. Charlie still slept in the same bed he had bought just before my parents moved in, the wedding pictures on the wall above his head.

I didn't want this. But then I realized it would never be exactly like this for me. Because there were no pictures of Edward and me. We had never lived together, and we had never bought furniture. We never had to fight about the colour of any curtains, and we would never need to discuss which room would make a nursery. There was no need for me to hold on to old kitchen cabinets or photographs. This was no shadow of a former life, of a former love – because we never had one. It had only been a mistake, a lie, or maybe a misunderstanding. Who knows. There were only a few memories left – at least on my side.

I did a double take when I realized that something wasn't right. Renée's picture which had hung on the kitchen wall next to the stove for over twenty years was gone.

I scrambled myself up and went upstairs, sneaking into Charlie's bedroom. It looked the same, but I had this feeling that it wasn't. It's been a while since I had been in here, though. I opened a few drawers, and I found my answer pretty fast. Either way Charlie had developed a craving for female underwear over the last few years without me realizing it or someone female lived here. Or at least stayed over night once in a while.

I felt a tightness build in my chest, a lump growing in my throat. Well, it wasn't like I didn't know who this stuff belonged to. Obviously, my dad had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that stayed overnight. Did she live here?

I turned around and realized that the wedding pictures were gone, too. Instead there was a picture of me from graduation, a picture of me standing in front of my fully loaded truck, taken just minutes before I had left for college, and a a newer one from last Christmas which Charlie had snapped of me decorating the tree.

I felt honored to be on his wall, but also horrified. I looked so tired, and my eyes were empty and sad. I shuddered thinking Charlie had to sleep with zombies hanging over his head every night. Maybe I could convince him to put up one of the pictures in the hallway. One of a time when I had been a happy little girl or a shy and awkward, but at least content teenager.

I opened the drawer of his nightstand and gulped. There was a framed picture of Sue lying on top. So Charlie had finally moved on. After 20 years. But I hadn't. And I couldn't go on like this for another 20 years. Tears stung my eyes as I went back to the open sock drawer and fingered the red, skimpy lingerie. Definitely not something I would wear.

I sniffled._ Damn it_. I wouldn't go on like this. I was sick of my weakness and my constant sadness. I refused to cry over a stack of underwear in my father's drawer and removed wedding pictures. It wasn't like he had abandoned me. He had just moved on while I was still stuck and would have to wait for another one or two decades to get over my broken heart. It wasn't my father's fault that I was such a failure.

I shut the sock drawer roughly and went back downstairs, trying not to cry. _Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. __Exhale_. Not even the relaxating techniques my therapist had taught me in the beginning had ever helped, no matter how much I tried. Mostly, I just started crying anyway.

I felt angry and confused. I didn't know why I made such a fuss about it. I should have been celebrating my father's survival of being shot and his second chance of life and love. I should have felt elated. Instead I felt alone and miserable and infected everyone around me with my misery. I had even driven away Seth and run from my own father. Some friend and daughter I was. No wonder Charlie had tried to hide it from me.

I sat down at the kitchen table, only to get up again and open the fridge. Surprisingly, there was a bunch of different vegetables in it. Surely a woman's influence. Besides the vitamins, there was milk, fish and a sixpack of beer in it. _Damn._ I hated beer. At least the little angel sitting on my right shoulder did. I closed the refrigerator, disappointed.

As far as I remembered, I had never seen Charlie drink wine or stronger stuff than his beloved Vitamin R. But now, a woman lived here. A woman he wanted to impress, maybe? Since she had already managed to make him eat healthier and we all knew Charlie couldn't cook to save his life, she would be the one cooking for him. Surely, he tried to give it a romantic touch with wine and candles every now and then…

I flung open all cabinets and checked the pantry_. Definitely a woman's hand._ Next to the canned goods were spices and other useful stuff. But no wine and no other liquor at all. Not even tequila. Not that I ever considered drinking right now, with Jacob coming over in about half an hour and all.

**-(-)-(-)-**

The drive to the hospital was weird. Jake seemed to be in a bad mood, and I felt my heart clench painfully every time I remembered driving to Port Angeles years ago with Edward in his shiny, silver Volvo.

"Is something wrong?" I whispered, suddenly anxious that something bad had happened. I knew from Jake's own experiences that phasing for the first time could be scary and confusing. Maybe Seth had ran off? Maybe something had gone wrong? Maybe he had hurt someone?

Jake chuckled grimly. "You know", he said, shutting off the motor, "it's a funny thing being a wolf, sharing his thoughts with every pack member and all."

I waited for a further explanation, wondering what this was all about. It seemed Jacob wasn't too happy about Seth's mind and memories connecting to the pack. But he didn't say anything for another minute, just staring ahead, and I could feel my panic rising.

"Seth has some interesting memories", he said suddenly into the deafening quiet, looking at me.

I could feel the blood leaving my face. _Crap._ I had never thought about what Seth joining the pack would mean, especially because of my history with him. They would never let me inside the reservation again.

"I think I should go inside to see Charlie", I mumbled, grabbing my purse and turning to leave the car. A very warm hand stopped me efficiently from leaving by gripping my wrist. "Let me go", I said, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Bella", he tried to reason. "We need to talk about this. I know maybe it's not the best moment right now, but-"

"Let me go, Jacob." I couldn't handle this right now; not now or ever.

"Bells, please", he whispered as I started sniffling. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We haven't been talking much this year", I muttered, embarassed that I was crying again. I loathed the emotional rollercoaster I was experiencing all the time. It was like I was constantly PMSing. I just wanted to see Charlie and then go back and cry myself to sleep.

It's not that Jacob hadn't tried to talk to me all these months. In fact, he had called daily at first. Every time I saw his caller ID on the display, my eyes started tearing up. I couldn't talk to him. It hurt so much. So I never answered his messages or voicemails.

It was terribly mean after all these times I had relied on him, after all these times he had been there for me when I had needed him. I didn't blame him. It hadn't been his fault. But I just wasn't ready to see him or talk to him. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I just wanted to hide from the pain a bit longer.

A few weeks later, he only called weekly, and another two or three weeks later the calls stopped for good. I didn't know if Seth or someone else had talked him out of it or if he had stopped on his own. It didn't matter, anyway. I succeeded in avoiding him almost every time I was in Forks, and he never came to visit me. Of course, Charlie knew something was going on, and he tried several times to make me talk about it without prying too much. After a while, he gave up on it. Maybe he realized I was avoiding Billy, too. Maybe Billy told him. I don't know. I just knew I had lost another person that I loved. I had lost my sun. That was when things got worse.

**-(-)-(-)-**

The moment we entered the room, Sue stood up from the plastic chair next to Charlie's bed to greet us quietly. "I'll leave you alone", she smiled at me. "He fell asleep already two hours ago, so don't feel guilty for waking him up. He asked for you all the time."

I didn't really notice how Sue whispered something into Jake's ear and left the room. All I noticed was Charlie's still figure on the bed. He looked so fragile and… old. I've never seen my father so… vulnerable. Even compared to the white hospital sheets, he looked awfully pale.

This wasn't the man I knew. This wasn't the man holding my hand as we waded in the tide pools at La Push beach, me stumbling along while Charlie made sure I didn't fall into one of the pools again. This wasn't the hero from my childhood who chased after the bad guys. This wasn't the man who leaned on the police car, grinning all over his face, while waiting until I dragged my luggage towards him, because I was staying for the summer at his place. This wasn't the father who sent me packages and gifts for every Christmas, birthday or holiday I wasn't going to stay with him. This wasn't the fisherman who tried to convince me to come fishing with him and his friend Billy, promising me he wouldn't let me fall into the water again. This wasn't the man who tried unsuccessfully not to snicker about my obvious disgust for the worms. This wasn't the father looking all proud as his daughter received her diploma on her high school graduation. This wasn't the man who still sneaked a new can of pepper spray into my purse every year and a bunch of money on my bank account every month. My Charlie had been quiet and contemplative, but full of life.

And although he didn't tell me often, I just knew he really loved me and cared about me. This was the man who organized sanitary pads when I got my first period. Of course this happened exactly the last summer I spent in Forks just before I went to bed and all the shops were already closed. It was him who asked Sue for help to bring me pads in the middle of the night and it was him who went to the store the next day because I was laying in my bed, suffering from cramps and crying at Renée over the phone about the unfairness of life. I can't even imagine how embarrassing that must have been for him.

He had never shown his disappointment about me refusing to spend the summers in Forks with him after I had turned fourteen. And I knew me refusal must have hurt him a lot after years of long-distance phone calls and an email every now and then. I mean, he only saw me once or twice a year, after all. I had acted like a little bitch that year, venting about Forks and my boring father to my classmates. But instead of getting angry or sad, instead of begging me or trying to lure me back to Forks, he just came to spend the summers with me. He bought me ice cream and candy cotton at the local fair and hold my hair when I was sick during our trip to Disneyland. He went to museums with me and spent hours in book stores without complaining once. He didn't even mind that I waltzed back into his life after a phone call which left him only two weeks of preparing for the arrival of his teenage daughter.

He had come to Phoenix immediately when I got hurt from James. He had searched the woods for me the whole night when I got lost that awful day. He made sure to force me to eat and drink when I was catatonic. He was even willing to send me back to Renée to get better. He made sure I didn't drop out and could finish High School in time with my classmates. He saved my life the day I had the "bathroom incident". He got me psychological help. He talked me into University although he was afraid to let me go.

He was such a great dad.

I tried to remember the last time I told him I loved him, and I realized in horror I couldn't. I was a horrible, horrible person. Of course, I had cooked him countless meals. I had cleaned the house and done his laundry. But I had also always taken him for granted. I still didn't even call him Dad. I had considered not coming home for Christmas this year although I knew how much that would hurt him. And I had considered giving him up for something stupid as "eternal love", "eternal commitment" and all that shit that didn't even exist.

I had been a horrible daughter all these years. I had been a spoiled brat with hysterical tendencies and pathetic behavior. But he still loved me despite it all. He had been nothing but patient and caring. And that's how I repaid him.

I realized he could have died without knowing I loved him. I balled my fists and squeezend my eyes shut. I didn't want to cry again. I was exhausted.

Suddenly, Charlie stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

I took a step towards him, and hesitated. I felt a sudden urge to hug him, but we had never been the hugging types. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. And I didn't want to cause him physical pain. He was still hurt, after all.

I felt Jacob nudge my back, but I couldn't make myself to move forward.

We were looking at each other for a minute and suddenly Charlie opened his arms and reached out to me. He looked so sad. I threw my arms around him and he hugged me with all the strength he had left in his good arm. "Bells", he sighed and I burst unexpectedly into tears, bawling like a baby.

"It's okay, it's okay", he hushed me. "I'm okay. I'm fine. The wound is healing perfectly. Actually, I'm coming home tomorrow."

I just kept sobbing, unaware that Jacob had already slipped out. All these feelings and events during the last days had been too much for me. Deep inside, I knew I should be there for my injured father instead of wetting his hospital gown with my tears while he rubbed circles on my back and stroked my hair. He shouldn't be the one taking care of me again. But I just couldn't bring myself to stop.

When I finally pulled back, I dragged my arm over my face, trying to take deep breaths and faking a smile. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Guess you didn't need this on top of all the other stress you already have, huh?"

His eyes looked a bit dilated, and I realized he must have been still on some pain killers. "Well, it's not like you planned it, right?" I smiled weakly.

"No, I actually planned it for next month for some extended holidays", he smiled.

"Stop kidding about stuff like that", I chided.

"Sorry", he mumbled, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

I grabbed the plastic chair behind me and sat down, stalling. I had no idea how to explain my erratic behavior and emotions and how messed up my life was. "So I heard you're kind of dating."

"Yeah. I have a girlfriend, Bells", he smiled sheepishly. "Can you believe it?"

"I'm sorry about yesterday", I blurted out. "I don't know… I just overreacted… I…" I didn't know what to say. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't know how to do it. There was no explanation that would make sense to him. I just felt lost and ashamed and tired. I felt exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. But that was no excuse for my behavior yesterday.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner", Charlie said, looking out of the window. "It just… never seemed the right time, you know? There was always exams and-" he stopped abruptly, looking at me. "Actually, I was just being a coward. You know I'm not good with talking about stuff like that. And I didn't want to ruin your holidays by hurting your feelings."

"Why would you admitting of having a girlfriend hurt my feelings?" I asked, confused.

"I just… I've always known you were still hurting. I just didn't know how to adress it. I didn't want to throw my happiness into your face. I didn't want you to feel left out. I didn't want to pressure you or anything, liking Sue and being forced to spend your holidays with her and Seth and Leah. I don't know", he shrugged. "It's still fresh, you know? We don't know yet what's going to happen."

"Ch-Dad… I always liked Sue. She's the one who helped you buying the right sort of tampons for me when I got my period, remember? She's the one that helped you prepare for my arrival in short notice and helped you chose bedsheets for me. She's the one that saved you from starving to death all these Thanksgivings." Not to mention I had thrown my happiness into his face when I had been freshly in love with Edward as well as my suicidal tendencies after the break up.

"You've been alone long enough, Charlie. I think you deserve a girlfriend, and Sue is a wonderful woman. You couldn't have made a better choice. And what do you mean with that you don't know yet what's going to happen? Are you planning on getting married? Is she moving in?"

"Thanks for your understanding, Bells", he grabbed my hand, dragging circles with his thumb. "It's just… it's still fresh. And it's only two years Sue lost Harry… it's still hard for her. I don't want to pressure her into commitment, you know? Although I would like her to move in with me…" he trailed off, "…when she's ready and only if you're ok with it, of course. And there's Seth to consider, of course. Leah will soon move out. But Seth will stay at least for another few years, and I don't think he wants to leave his home, and I don't think he's happy about another man moving in into the house his dad built with his own hands, and… I… I really like her…" he babbled on, getting more aggravated with every word.

"It's okay, Dad. We don't have to talk about it right now." I was surprised that he was ready to move in with her by giving up his home of the last twenty-something years. He must have really loved her.

He exhaled happily. "I'm being released tomorrow. Would it be okay for you if Sue stayed for a few days? I need some help with my arm…" he trailed off, motioning to his shoulder with his chin.

"I can help, too", I offered. "But of course she can stay with us… I mean, at least her underwear is already there", I winked.

Charlie turned beet red and released my hand, awkwardly patting his hair and changing the subject. "You don't have to stay and get behind your shedule, Bells. You told me you have exams."

That would have been my cue to tell him about me flunking out of College, but I just couldn't bring the words over my lips. I felt too ashamed to confess about failing even the easiest of all classes. He had been so proud when I got accepted and offered a scholarship in such a short time. I knew he would still love me no matter what, but I couldn't stand the look of disappointment if I told him the truth.

"You look tired", he noted. "You've been studying and working all the time, and now you dropped everything to come here because your old father was too slow and too stupid to avoid getting a bullet."

"That wasn't your fault." I shuddered at the thought of the bullet hitting him and about the possibility he could be dead right know.

"You look pale, Bells. Do you eat enough? Or do you study all night again? You need to take care of you properly. And you need to have a break once in a while, having some fun with your friends. College and work isn't everything, Bella."

"It's been a couple of tough weeks lately", I admitted, avoiding his questions and it's implications. We both knew that College wasn't the only reason for me looking tired and stressed out. We also knew he wouldn't address it.

**-(-)-(-)-**

_There were flashes of voices and strange sensations on my skin. Something was tugging at my arms. I heard my name being called, but it was like I was under water. Everything was distant and muffled and I had some troubles keeping my eyes open. Something slapped me. In the distance, there was noise that sounded like clinking of glasses, like people toasting with champagne. Was there a party? _

_Something slapped me again. "Bella, baby, please, you have to stay awake." Suddenly, Charlie's blurred face hovered above me. He seemed to be crying. Why was Charlie crying? I had never seen him crying. I turned my head to the right and noticed I was lying flat on my back in the middle of the bathroom. My position was quite confusing, and I felt dizzy. Why was I lying around in the bathroom? And why was the floor splattered with glass and blood? Did I trip again?Did I faint?_

_I turned my head back, but Charlie was gone. Instead, Jaspers face grinned back at me, his eyes black with thirst. "I waited so long to taste you", he sighed, touching my hair, his hands smeared with my blood. "Dessert, finally", another voice sneered suddenly from my left, and I could see James pawing at me and licking my blood from his fingers. "No!" I yelled, wrenching my arm out of his grip, wincing. It hurt. And there was blood everywhere. All my precious blood. It was the only thing of worth I possessed. "It's all for Edward, you can't just drink it!" They all laughed._

_I struggled to sit up, and there was Dr Gerandy sewing the arm of the doll I used to play with as a child. He looked at me disapprovingly. "First you're all catatonic, and then you go all dissociative__and want to kill yourself. You're such an ungrateful brat of a child. You have to give your old man some sort of peace. He almost had a heart attack."_

"_I didn't try to kill myself", I gasped. "It was an accident."_

"_Yeah, they always say that", he chided me, bandaging the arms of the doll while I was still bleeding out. "I was just trying to feel", he mocked me in a girly voice, handing the doll to the paramedic at his side that looked like Renée in a nurse uniform. _

"_Crazy lunatic", she muttered. "He should have had you committed like I told him to. He's obviously not able to take care of you properly. That's it. I'm taking you home. How am I supposed to be a happy newlywed when everyday I have to be afraid for this one phone call from Charlie."_

"_But… I am home", I said, confused._

"_Silly Bella", Renée said, smiling gently and patting my blood-soaked jeansleg. "I'm taking you home with me. Home to Jacksonville."_

"_No", I shook my head. "You can't make me."_

"_Of course I can", she smiled again. "What's the point of staying here, anyway? You think Charlie wants to have you around if you're always moping and causing trouble? It was actually him who called me to get you. He can't do this any longer. The whole town is talking behind his back. They don't take him seriously anymore."_

"_Dad?" I called out. Suddenly, his face was on my left. He looked sad, but also relieved. His expression scared me. _

"_You need to go, Isabella. And don't come back. I will always love you in a way, of course. But I can't do this anymore."_

"_You… you don't… want me?" I choked._

"_No."_

I woke up from my own muffled screams. I sat up, panting, feeling a knot in my chest and the urge to cry. I felt sick. My shirt was drenched in cold sweat. It had been a while since I had this dream. I was pretty sure seeing Charlie had triggered it this time. I took deep breaths, trying to calm down, when suddenly my door opened.

"I brought you some tea", Sue whispered, carrying a steaming mug in her hands. I didn't know what to say. I was too embarrassed that she had witnessed one of my nightly breakdowns. Had Charlie told her about this? Maybe she wouldn't move in now because of me. I felt a chill down my spine about the possibility of her demanding that I moved out.

I finally managed to stutter my thanks, and she smiled, putting the hot mug on my bedside table. "You're welcome." She motioned to my nightshirt. "Why don't you clean up a bit? You shouldn't get sick."

I nodded embarrassed and made my way to the bathroom with a fresh shirt. When I came out, I noticed that Sue had changed the bedsheets for me.

**-(-)-(-)-**

**Reviews are better than Bella sobbing into Charlie's shirt.**

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**Coming up next: Some Bella and some Edward… He's still a day behind Bella, in case you didn't notice ;-).**


	25. Chapter 25 Facing Reality 1

A/N: OMG, I'm so embarrassed this chapter took so long. Edward's POV is soooo difficult to write. And the big writer's block sitting in front of me didn't really help, either. I guess taking holidays was a bad idea for my brain. My IQ must have dropped as fast as my writing skills ;-).

Thanks for sticking with me. I'm still writing on several other chapters, and I hope to treat you soon by uploading two chapters at once. For know, you must be happy with this chapter which is at least a bit longer than usual.

**I still don't own Twilight *sniff*. Loved Eclipse*yay*. **

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**A/N: Please notice the different timelines. Bella is still ahead one day.**

**Recently in After Dark: EmPOV  
**"Alice! Why… He can't just run away again. He has to fix this!"  
"He's not running away. He just has to… see for himself."

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**Chapter 25 – Facing Reality Part 1 – EPOV**

What was I doing here, hiding myself in the shadows in Bella's neighbourhood? Had I really let my family convince me that it was okay to worm our way back into Bella's life? That she needed our help? That Charlie needed our help, too?

This was stupid. Bella was strong. She could get out of her problems all by herself. We shouldn't interfere. I shouldn't interfere. It would only make it worse. And it was utterly stupid to think that she even wanted my help. She had to hate me by now. And I didn't even want to think about what Charlie would do to me if he ever caught a glimpse of my pathetic figure. I was pretty sure even with his injured shoulder he would just pull the trigger on his gun without thinking about possible consequences.

I felt so torn. I knew I had almost caused my family to break apart. They had been fighting because of me. They had been hurting so bad they had felt the need to took off every now and then. Unlike me, they finally deserved some happiness. It wasn't their fault I had been a fool.

I had had my only chance at pure happiness right there in my hand – the happiness most people search their entire life for, the happiness I had been chasing for a hundred years. And I hadn't just let it slip from my grasp, no, I had made a fist and crushed it to death. And now I had let them talk me into making it worse by stomping over the broken pieces.

It wasn't their fault. And it wasn't as if I hadn't been warned about getting involved with Bella. I just should have listened to Rosalie and save them all this pain. But I didn't listen. For the first time I had let myself being ruled by my emotions instead of rationality. And as a result Bella had been the one paying the price. I had let her get hurt – no, almost killed – by James. The attack had not only brought her pain for weeks, but also nightmares. And instead of leaving – what had been the right thing to do – I had stayed, weak and pathetic as I am. I had even promised to stay as long as she needed me. And then I had let her get attacked by my own brother. I hadn't even been able to sit with her and hold her hand while Carlisle had been stitching her up. And then I had left anyway, not before forcing my family to leave, too. I hadn't even allowed Alice to say goodbye. I had promised Bella not to come back. I had promised it would be as if I never existed. And now, I was coming back to meddle with her life, again? Putting her in danger, again? Dragging my family in, again? For being a stoic, unchanging vampire I was anything but constant. At least, there was some consistency: I never seemed to learn from my mistakes.

Why had I come here? What had I expected to find? Was I really thinking that Emmett had been wrong or lied to me? And what would I do if Emmett had been right? I had promised not to interfere, and I had no right to interfere, but I already knew that I wouldn't be able to turn my back on the disaster I had created.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

My body seemed frozen. I couldn't bring myself to move. Was I really convinced I was doing the wrong thing here or was I only scared? I didn't know what I was feeling. I sighed, staring at the building in front of me.

During the last three years, my existence had been filled with a rather limited range of emotions: unbearable, excruciating pain, catatonic numbness and severe self-loathing. Sometimes they mixed up, sometimes they stood out alone, but since that awful day in the woods it was always these emotions that flowed through my system. So for Jasper, being near me was always pure torture. But for me, it wasn't so bad feeling this way. These emotions were predictable and therefore safe. And I deserved feeling like that anyway.

Now, I felt emotions I had forgotten and buried a long time ago and I didn't handle the resurfacing well. There was frustration and happiness and nervousness and anger and joy and pain and anxiety and some feelings I didn't even know how to name. I was totally confused.

This was something I needed to do alone, but somehow I longed for Jaspers assistance to tone my emotions down. I actually didn't know what I would do if I found out that all what Emmett had been telling and showing me was true.

It killed me to know that Bella's life had taken a turn for the worst because of me. I really wanted to help her. But what made me think I even had the right to come near her and to stay in her presence until everything got better again? I was nothing. It was my fault she had suffered all these years. I wasn't even worth to breathe the same air as she did, so what made my family think I had the right to be in her vicinity?

Glimpses of memories I had seen in Emmett's mind flashed through me. The force of it brought me to my knees. Could this really be happening? Was this sad, tired-looking, pale, fragile and skinny girl with shadows under her eyes – which were so dark that even make-up couldn't cover them up – really my beautiful Bella? Had my Bella really quit college after losing her scholarship to work in a dangerous bar downtown? Was my Bella so miserable she had to drink at work and stash hundreds of pills at home? Had Bella really turned her back on her family and her friends? Did she really have nightmares every night?

It couldn't be. This must be a mistake, a simple misunderstanding. And there was still the possibility that this was some sick plan to lure me here.

I cringed in agony as other memories replayed in my head. It was my own fault. I had begged him to show me everything. Now I wished he never did. Deep down, I knew Emmett would never make up something like this. My Bella was suffering and it was entirely my fault. She had been drinking and using drugs regularly and maybe had damaged some organs in her body or even her brain irreparably. She was in danger of being convicted and ruining her future or even to kill herself accidently by mixing the wrong pills.

This was definitely not the human experience I had wanted her to have.

I had to check if Emmett had been telling the truth. If he did, I had the final proof I was nothing more than a mean, vicious monster after all. It didn't matter I had been a vegetarian the last years. It didn't matter I had respected the treaty and not turned anyone. It didn't matter. I had destroyed a human life after all.

I made my decision then. I would check out Bella's life. I would help her getting better. Then I would buy myself a oneway-ticket to Volterra.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

It was finally getting dark and safe enough to investigate. I scanned the filthy streets for the thirty-seventh time and got angry again. This was a dangerous area. The building looked like it had been built in the early forties. There was almost no original paint left on the walls. There were crude pictures and words sprayed on them instead. Some windows in the ground floor were broken. The group of homeless-looking people hanging out right next to the entrance drinking beer and smoking pot didn't help my mood. Their thoughts were loud and rude.

Her rusty truck with its faded, red paint was parked directly under a street light. It still looked like it was barely being held together by rusted bolts, although a few dents had been taken out and the tires and the windshield seemed new. There was something oddly peaceful and familiar about this picture. It was almost soothing. Like if the truck hadn't changed, Bella wasn't broken and her feelings for me wouldn't have changed, either.

Every time I had parked my car next to Bella's next to Forks High, Rosalie had grimaced at the rusted monstrosity. She felt personally offended by it. I had always laughed about it – until I sat the first time in there. This wasn't about rusting paint offending your eyes. This truck was a death trap.

It was then when I finally had realized what these odd feelings inside me meant. I had this urgent, overwhelming need to protect Bella and I worried about her constantly. We had almost gotten into fights because I had to point out the missing airbags and the lack of safety glass everytime she got into the vehicle. Of course, Bella had only defended the ancient thing, pointing out that it was made of steel and safe as a tank. She said it had been a gift and Charlie and Billy would be offended if she wouldn't drive it. She refused vehemently me buying her a new, safe car or even to drive my Volvo.

I mean… I would have let her drive my car. Not even my family was allowed to drive my cars. I wouldn't have cared about scratches or dents as long as she got out of it unscathed.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

I stood outside of her apartment in the fifth floor, alternating between the wish to break the door down and barrel in and to run away. I inhaled heavily. Her scent was already there, freesia and lavender mingled with a hint of Emmett and a trace of something else I couldn't place. I realized I didn't have a key anyway and had to get my way in through the window like Emmett had the first time.

I went around the building and climbed up the wall, following the heavenly scent. I settled myself on the little steel balcony that served as an emergency exit. The window was slightly open, and I hissed angrily. How dangerous! I inhaled hungrily and sighed. Her scent had changed according to Emmett, but it was still my Bella. I felt still drawn in by it. I missed her so much and I didn't know if I would ever see her again. I needed to be near her, and right now, her scent was the closest thing I had besides Emmett's horrible memories. It tugged at my throat and emitted some venom, but that was just a natural response out of instinct. It didn't awake any thirst, only longing.

And that made me feel guilty as well. I hadn't really come here for her. I had come here for my family and especially for me. I was still hoping to find that all had been a lie and Bella lived a happy life and went to college. Maybe that had been Emmett's plan all along. For me to find out Bella was happier without me so I would finally move on. Or to stay behind to see what amazing woman Bella would turn into. Damn confusing emotions! My plan about visiting the Volturi was already wavering.

Could this really be? I knew that my family had been shocked by the news. Their thoughts and feelings had been sincere. I knew that my family had suffered. I had hurt all of them with my actions of breaking up with Bella, forcing them to leave and then taking off. Especially Esme had been devastated by my absence. But could Emmett and Rosalie really be so desperate to lie to me about something like that so I wouldn't leave the family again?

I sighed. I was scared to get in, scared of what I would see. I was scared of all the memories her scent and her personal stuff would evoke. But here was no other possibility to find out. I had come all the way here, so I should finish it.

I pushed the window further open and squeezed myself in. I felt a pang as I remembered how often I had done that all these years ago to visit her old bedroom in Forks. It hurt to think of these happier times.

There was an odd, faint feline smell, and I got into a defensive crouch. Then I remembered the orange furry thing in Emmett's memories. Bella had a cat, and it comforted me a bit that she didn't live all alone by herself.

I straightened myself and frowned. This room couldn't be Bella's. There weren't any of her belongings I would have recognized. The emptiness of this room shouldn't have surprised me. I had seen this in Emmett's mind, of course. And it was her scent in here. Maybe my girl stayed here frequently. But Bella couldn't be living here. Did this apartment belong to someone else? Maybe a friend who engaged in illegal activities like stashing drugs to sell them later to the rich college kids? Someone who had forced himself and his drugs on her and made her an addict?

The venom in my veins was boiling at that thought. There was no way Bella had just quit college for nothing. Surely there was someone else besides me to blame for all this mess? Someone I could kick around just a little bit? I would rip them limb from limb. I should have never left her. Bella was a danger magnet. Of course she would also attract the vile things not only from the supernatural, but also from the human world. She was so pure and innocent and would try to help anyone that lied to her about needing help. I clenched my teeth together with an audible snap_. Focus. Control yourself._ _Save your anger when you come across the people responsible for this._

I had to calm down first before I stepped further into the room. I didn't want to take out one of the walls by accident while hitting my fist on it.

After a few minutes I was finally able to take a look around. What I found didn't seem encouraging. Bella had always been a bit on the chaotic side and in here, there wasn't anything scattered on the floor or on her desk. It was too tidy for a college student to live here. There were no pictures of relatives and friends. Not even one from Renée or Charlie. There weren't any mementos from her old life. Sure she would miss her parents and the friends she left behind when leaving for college?

There wasn't much furniture. The few pieces were shabby and old and didn't match. Maybe they had come with the apartment, and everything was clean and free of any dust bunnies. But they looked like they belonged to a trash heap. Nothing that my beautiful Bella deserved.

It was the absence of literature that hit me. Reading had always been more than a hobby or a pastime for Bella. It had been a passion. Renée had never been able to fully understand it since she considered reading anything but the newspaper a waste of time. Yet still she had supported Bella's passion, buying tons of books for her daughter and sending them to Forks on every occasion.

There was a cheap bookshelve on a wall. And it was completely empty. There wasn't even a magazine on it. And the tattered copies of her most favorite Austen and Bronte were nowhere to be found. There was no Romeo or Juliet and no other of Shakespeare's works.

Also, there were no flowers, no decorations. There was no personality in here. It was like she didn't exist at all. It was as if I hadn't erased my existence, but she had erased hers. What had I done? I hadn't just broken her heart or spirit. I had failed her. I had killed her.

I clenched my fists in agony.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

The next room was the bathroom. Bella's scent clung to it, but there was also a trace of Rosalie's and Emmett's recent interference. I opened the cabinets under the sink and realized there wasn't much left besides toilet paper, soap and washing powder. They had really been doing a thorough job.

There was a faint scent of strawberries, and I spotted a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo in the darkest corner. It was still unopened and had a light shade of gray dust on it. I had always liked this innocent and pure scent on her hair. It had fit her perfectly. But according to Emmett she had replaced it with green apple and kiwi or other cheap stuff from the local supermarket down the street. She bought whatever was on sale.

I opened the cabinet behind the mirror and checked the contents. It was almost empty. There was a new toothbrush, some make-up and some free samples of shampoo. There was concealer and eyeliner and other stuff Rosalie and Alice liked to use for special occasions. I couldn't remember Bella ever use stuff like that. Even Alice hadn't been successful in her attempts to put some eye-shadow and mascara on Bellas eyes for prom. Not that my Bella had needed any of that. Her skin was flawless and her long lashes dark and perfect. I loved to kiss the freckles on her nose. There was no need to cover anything up.

Another memory from Emmett flooded my mind. The day he had seen Bella working at the bar. He had noted her big, brown eyes that weren't deep anymore, but lifeless. But he had also noted the makeup she had been wearing. Her eyes had been lined with dark eyeliner, and her face had been caked with concealer and foundation. It had looked like she had wanted to hide herself behind a mask. I didn't want Bella to think about needing to hide herself. She was so beautiful.

I went back to Bella's living area and pulled some drawers open. I didn't find much besides black underwear, black socks and a whiff of Rosalie. Looks like they had raided her underwear drawers, too. I opened the small closet and found one pair of dark blue jeans and two pairs of black jeans, black sweaters and t-shirts in dark colors. There was a pair of black converse sneakers. They smelled awful like garbage, beer and vomit.

There were no accessories like belts or purses. The closet didn't even have mirror. Bella's orange backpack was lying in a corner.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

I walked in the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. There wasn't much left in it. Some eggs and some vegetables. I pulled open the cabinets and drawers and found the canned goods, the tea, sugar, pasta and all the other stuff Emmett had bought. He had been worried about her eating habits and I felt grateful my big oath of a brother had noticed it.

Before Bella, we had never been paying much attention what humans liked to eat and what nutritions they needed. And I hadn't realized how often they needed to eat. Bella's grumbling stomach had taught me well they needed calories intake and fluids more often than we did.

From Emmett's memories alone I knew Bella's BMI would be too low. Carlisle would have to check her weight. She needed vitamins and regular meals. We would have to check her eating healthy and regularly from now on.

I was so deep into my musings over Bella's diet I didn't realize soon enough someone was unlocking the door to the appartement and making an attempt to come in. I got some flashes of cat food, an orange furball and could suddenly see Bella's kitchen from a different perspective and me standing in it. When I turned, an elderly lady was already standing in the door, gawking at me. "What are you doing in here?" she croaked. "Trying to steal something?"

"No, Ma'am", I said stupidly, mentally hitting myself on the head. So much for not drawing attention to myself. I was losing my vampire touch. Even big, broad and loud Emmett was less inconspicuous than me nowadays.

"You have no right to be here", she berated me. "Go out before I'm getting my husband. He will drop you out head first."

I could see she was lying. Her heart was racing, she was breathing hard and her face flushed. She was worrying about her husband who was lying in bed, sick and feverish and in no condition to even get up. I could hear him coughing from downstairs. She was anxious and thinking up some other lie. "Isabella's friend will be back soon. If you empty your pockets right now and leave empty-handed, I won't tell him you were here."

I could see Emmett in her mind. She had been really impressed by him. "You must mean my brother Emmett. Big, bulky, dark curly hair? He's still in Port Angeles with Bella. They won't be back for the next few days."

She frowned. "Is everything okay? He said there was some family emergency."

"No and yes. Her father was hurt on duty and will need assistance. I came to get Bella's clothes since she will stay some days with him." I rummaged through her brain. "You're the neighbour from downstairs? Emmett said you will take care of the appartement. I'm Edward, by the way", I introduced myself, remembering my manners. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

"Edward", she acknowledged me, nodding her head, before closing the door and trodding to the kitchen. She opened the cabinet with the cat food. "It's not much work. There are not even plants in need of watering." She filled up the empty bowls under the window with water and cat food. Her movements were jerky, and I noticed she was limping slightly. She seemed to have some problems with her hip. She glanced at the refrigerator and thought of the food that might be still in there. She had planned to make some omeletts for her husband for dinner. But there was nothing in her own fridge.

I walked over to the refrigerator and took the eggs and the vegetables out and put it on the kitchen counter. "I would be very glad if you could take these with you. Since Bella might not come back for the next days or even weeks, it would be a pity to let them expire." I took out one of the plastic bags from the drawer, put the eggs and the vegetables in and handed her the bag, smiling expectantly.

Her blush reminded me of Bella, and I felt my smile getting pained. She took the bag and whispered a thank you. "H-how long", she stuttered, "how long until Isabella comes back?"

She thought of the soon-to-be-empty cat food in the cabinet and how much it would cost. She really needed to buy that cough medicine for her husband.

"We don't know yet", I said, grabbing for my wallet and hoping I still had money in there. I hadn't been needing it over the last months. I took out four crumpled hundred dollar bills and handed them over. Her eyes almost bugged out. She didn't want to take the money, fearing it was some bad joke.

"Please, take it. It's for all your expenses and your time. I know Bella loves this cat. If you ever need to take her to the vet or anything; that gets expensive pretty fast." She took the money hesitantly, wondering mentally why such a nice young woman had to live here if she had such rich friends.

I could hear violent coughing from downstairs. "Are you okay with taking care of the cat and getting new cat food? My brother mentioned your husband being sick lately. I would understand if you don't want to leave him alone."

"Yes, he's not feeling so well at the moment, but it's no problem to check on the cat", she said hastily, fearing I would demand back the money from her and give it to someone else to take care of things. "He just needs some cough medicine and something to take his fever down. I will take him to the doctor tomorrow first thing in the morning."

I knew her husband was sicker than she let me know and she didn't have the possibility to get him to the doctor, but I couldn't point it out to her. "My father's a doctor. He'll write you a prescription so you don't have to haul your sick husband around half the city with you. You can get the medicine directly in the next pharmacy, then."

"But he hasn't seen him. He doesn't even know him", she said, her brows furrowed suspiciously. Forging prescriptions was a current occurency here. Doctors didn't prescribe anything without having seen the patient first. And she couldn't afford to let a doctor come here personally.

"I trust you", I stated. And I did. Her thoughts were pure and honest.

"Thanks", she said.

"Do you know where Bella works? I have to tell her boss that she's not going to be back soon." There was no need that I wanted to go there for another reason. I needed to see where Bella had been working over the last months.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

The place seemed to be a mixture between a restaurant, a pub and a club. My nostrils were assaulted by the smell of tacos, beer, cigarettes, cheap perfume and sweaty humans. It was still early, so the dancefloor wasn't packed with people yet, but there was a group of young girls dancing by themselves and a bunch of male college students celebrating in the back corner with massive amounts of tequila. It looked like some stupid frat boy initiation.

Being at a party like this, with all these warm human bodies pressed against each other, dancing and grinding and sweating and emanating thoughts of lust, makes me even thirstier – at least for about four seconds before all the pictures with me as the main actor start flooding my mind.

It wasn't any different today. As soon as I stepped further into the room, the volume of thoughts and heartbeats doubled and tripled. People gawked at me, started whispering to each other, and I was bombarded with mental images of myself from multiple perspectives, in varying states of undressing. This wasn't something I had missed during my "hiding" phase the last three years. And because of my isolation during the last months it was even worse. My tolerance to large crowds was really low, but I took a deep breath. _Might get used to it again anyway._

I approached the counter and was immediately hit by images of a cheap blonde doing disgusting things to me in her mind. I cringed, not used anymore to these nauseating pictures. The thoughts of other women who joined to fantasize about me having sex on the table and the hateful glares and thoughts of their men and boyfriends clouded my mind. If vampires were able to getting migraines, I would have one constantly in places like this.

It would have been easier if I had looked like Emmett. Although girls found his face attractive, his enormous size was enough to scare them off. They found him too intimidating to get near him. Plus most of the time there was a glaring Rosalie beside him. Near them, humans realized faster there was something different about us than they did next to me and kept their distance.

The moment I reached my destination, the redhead sitting on my right jutted her chest out, batted her eyelashes and leaned in. "Hey there, handsome", she slurred with the most nasally voice I ever heard before her head hit the counter top, her fingers still clutching a glass of wodka. I didn't know if I should be happy that my problem had solved itself or merely disgusted about a young woman being so intoxicated before midnight she fell unconscious in the middle of a sentence. Not that the sentence had made much sense in her mind anyway.

Was this a normal weekday? I had already seen the place in Emmett's mind, but I was still shocked to my core. This seemed an inappropriate workplace for my Bella. Why would she serve cocktails to young women every night so they could drink themselves into oblivion? As I looked closely, I estimated the redhead's age around 19 or 20. She was obviously not of legal age, yet still they had allowed her to order alcohol and drink so much of it she had passed out. I sniffed and cringed back. Her blood smelled revolting, even to a thirsty vampire like me.

"Stupid girl", one of the bartenders muttered, slapping the redhead lightly on the cheek. _I bet that was Peter again. He's absolutely useless. I hope Isabella is back soon. _Hermind was absolutely furious and loud, but my heart soared about her blurred image of my Bella in her mind. I realized this must be the owner of this bar and therefore Bella's boss. At least, she seemed to be a feisty one. She could handle this place for sure. That would keep possible troubles down. "Oi, Peter", she grabbed a young bartender by his collar, dragging him to the unconscious girl. "Didn't I tell you not to give her anymore to drink?"

"She had an ID. I checked", he mumbled stupidly.

"Well, it was a fake one. And even if it wasn't – I don't need customers passed out over my counter", she grumbled. "Get her out of here. I don't need the police investigating or some angry daddy with a shotgun barreling in." She muttered another few expletives while Peter carried the unconscious redhead outside where a taxi was waiting. She cleaned and poured and shouted orders, ignoring me on purpose. I could read in her mind she had had a rough few days and was tired. She was tired of this place and tired of this life. She wanted to get out of here and go back to college.

I wondered what she had been studying and why she had quit. I could see the parallels between her and Bella and wondered if this place had been Bella's future if Emmett hadn't found her. I shuddered at the thought of Bella working in here for the next ten years, surrounded by tobacco and noise and drunk people.

I watched another girl retrieving a mop and a bucket from a closet. Obviously, the frat boy initiation had gone too far. She methodically dunked the mop in the gray, smelling water and cleaned the floor in smooth motions with expertise. She didn't even seem affected by the ugly mess one of the guys had made. I tried to picture the girl as my Bella, but I couldn't. At the same time, I felt ashamed to degrade the people working here. Who knew what their story was.

Maybe they had once been aspiring students. Happy people with no care in the world until they took a wrong turn or life showed its ugly head. Maybe they liked working here. Maybe they were just waiting for another opportunity to open up. Maybe they had been on a road trip and somehow stranded in this city. I got a glimpse of a sleeping baby in the mopping girl's brain. She smiled at the thought of him and I could see she loved him dearly. Who knew who this boy was? A product of an unplanned pregnancy? A little brother she had to take care of? Whatever the relation to him was, there was a reason why she was working here at this time instead of being with him, cuddling and singing him to sleep.

It was my intention to find out what Bella's story was.

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I sat there for another three minutes, still being ignored by Bella's boss, when the crowds started pouring in. Some of them were already drunk, loud and tripping over their own feet, some came here to get smashed as soon as possible. Some others just wanted to sit in here for a while because they were lonely. And others wanted to profit from the cheap beer on Wednesdays.

One of the guys planted his behind at the bar right next to me. He reeked of tobacco and cheap scotch. "Hey, Becca!" he snapped his bandaged fingers at the bartender who ignored him as thoroughly as me. "Where's Bambi? I haven't seen her in a while!" He yelled every word and spit flew out of his mouth. I could see him thinking of my Bella, remembering that last time he had smacked her behind, wallowing in the memories of his friends clapping him on the back.

I was disgusted.

Rebecca seemed disgusted, too. She sighed, putting a large keg of beer in front of him and turning to me. "And what can I bring you?" Her smile seemed pained, and she showed no fear or attraction, only exhaustion. She looked into my dark golden eyes, waiting for my order.

"Some information would be nice", I answered in my most attractive voice.

"Hrmpf", she grumbled, grabbing behind her back and putting a keg in front of me. "Do I look like an information center? Take this", she winked. "It's happy hour." She huffed annoyed and rolled her eyes at the other guy poking her shoulder. "What?"

"I want Bambi", he said, slurring slightly.

"Get the movie, asshole. I already told you last week I don't want to see you in here anymore. And if you ever touch her again, I'll kick your filthy ass back to Nevada", she shook her fist at him. "Was the big guy beating you up the last time not enough for you? If you need some more, I can always call him."

He grabbed his beer and shuffled towards the back corner. I had to hold onto the counter so I wouldn't follow him. I felt the wood splintering under my fingers, itching to make her idle threat at him a reality.

"Are you okay?" she asked me, looking suspiciously at me. "You look kinda pale, you know. I don't want you to pass out before you even had a drink."

"I'm okay. I'm just angry that my brother didn't beat that idiot up for good." I had to focus. I couldn't risk ripping his head off right know. I had other things to do.

"Your brother?" she asked, the image of Emmett immediately popping up in her head. She hmmd, realizing the similarity of our pale skin and our eyes, then started thinking about his muscles and his hair and his- oh, I so didn't want to go there.

"So you're the guy, hah?"

"What guy?"

"Oh, there's always a guy. First there's the overprotective brother, then there's the guy. So what did you do to her? Should I call for Emmett roughing you up a bit?"

I kept silent. What was there to say? That I ruined her life? That I killed her? And yes, that I appreciated Emmett beating me up?

"He knows I'm here", I said. "He's taking care of Bella right now. I actually came to pack up her things. She will stay with her father for a while, taking care of things." She didn't need to know the awful truth, did she?

"Oh please, don't tell me she's quitting. I can't handle Peter for another week."

"She's not. Maybe she is. I don't know", I blabbed. I felt so lost in here and deflated, as if all the energy suddenly had been sucked out of me. As if the darkness closed me in even further, inching forward minute by minute. What was I doing here? It wasn't my decision if she came back, if she kept this job or not. I didn't even know what she wanted. I didn't even know for sure if she would stay in Forks to take care of Charlie or not. I didn't know anything.

"You didn't talk to her, did you? And she doesn't even know you're her, am I right? What are you doing here, then? Go and make amends or leave."

"Please. I just need some information."

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**Reviews are better than Edward's constant self-loathing.**

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**Coming up next: Some Bella ****meeting other people in town and some Edward… Remember, he's still a day behind.**


	26. Chapter 26 Facing Reality 2

A/N: I don't think you want to hear all my apologies for waiting so long. Truth is: real life caught up on me. Lots of work, a new intern to train, lots of work in my office because everything has to be finished before Christmas, sickness in my family and the death of my grandmother.

But I've still been writing on my story. Thanks for sticking with me.

**I still don't own Twilight *sniff*. Loved Welcome to the Rileys*yay*. **

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**A/N: Please notice the different timelines. Bella was still ahead one day in the last chapter. Now Edward and the Cullens are catching up.**

**Recently in After Dark: EPOV  
**"So you're the guy, hah?"

"What guy?"

"Oh, there's always a guy. First there's the overprotective brother, then there's the guy. So what did you do to her? Should I call for Emmett roughing you up a bit?"

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**Chapter 26 – Facing Reality Part 2 **

**EPOV**

Rebecca hadn't been able to give me as much information as I had hoped. Actually, she couldn't give me any more information she hadn't already given Emmett. But that was enough to kill my dead heart completely.

Defeated, I had walked back to Bella's place and buried myself in the blanket on her bed, inhaling the faint smell on the sheets like a junkie. I had planned to go to the college to gather some more information, but I didn't think I could handle more of it. I wanted to stay here forever, not thinking about anything and not facing reality.

Everything Emmett had told and shown me was true. There was no single lie in it. I had destroyed Bella.

Agony hit me like a wrecking ball, washing over me again and again like a tidal wave. There was so much pain. It rocked through my body, making me tremble and shiver with fever. The walls blurred, and I had to close my eyes. I felt sick.

She was supposed to be safe and happy. She was supposed to have a normal, happy life with a normal husband and normal babies. But I had destroyed everything and because of my mistakes, she had given up to achieve the happy, normal life she deserved. She had turned her back on her friends and her family. She had given up her career opportunities. She had turned to being comforted by drugs and alcohol and what else.

I couldn't turn my back on her now and disappear again. But I didn't deserve being with her, either. So if I had anything left that resembled a human soul, if I had left any shred of humanity in my dead body, I would arrange everything she needed to get better. And then I would leave her alone for good.

I didn't know how long I stayed in this position. I had no sense of time or whatsoever. I knew I had to get it together so she would get the help she needed, but I couldn't make myself move. My will was crumbled, my body and soul a dead weight that held me down. I could feel the vibration of my cell phone several times. But I didn't move. I couldn't move. And I didn't really want to. My brain seemed to shut down gradually. The only things I was aware of were the beautiful pictures of my beautiful Bella lying in the meadow, smiling at the sun and radiating happiness. And then there were the ugly pictures I had seen in Emmett's mind. The ugly pictures in Rebecca's mind. The ugly pictures in that vile's head, tainting my Bella with his disgusting thoughts.

I should have killed him. But I couldn't. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I wished I could sleep. If not forever, then at least for a few hours.

I wondered if I was in hell. Maybe I had finally died and this was my punishment.

At one point, I could hear some annoying voices and whispers around me. I think they belonged to my family, but I wasn't sure. It wasn't important. All that mattered was Bella's smell around me and her angelic face in front of my eyelids. And these stupid voices tainted it. I think I growled.

I could feel a hand stroking my hair. I could hear more whispering. The voices didn't seem to agree with each other, but I didn't really care.

More time passed. I was vaguely aware of being moved by a strong pair of arms. I didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I clutched Bella's scent desperately, not wanting to ever let it go.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

Some time later, I realized I was still moving, but the movement was different this time. I was in a car. I opened my eyes and took in the new surroundings.

I was in Carlisle's car, lying on the back seat with my head in Esme's lap, my legs pulled up to my chest, my fingers clutching Bella's bed sheets. Esme was stroking my hair.

"Finally", Emmett's voice boomed from the front. _At least this time Alice was right. This catatonic mutism was kinda creepy._ I could hear Alice and Esme sigh in relief.

"Where are the others?" I croaked.

"Carlisle went back to Ithaca to arrange the move. Rosalie and Jasper are already in Forks to set up the house and organize the necessary formalities. They travelled in Emmett's car", Esme explained. "Carlisle will join us soon. He's taking Rosalie's car. The rest will be shipped overnight."

"I would have liked to travel in my own car with my wife, but Jasper couldn't handle your mood, so we switched", Emmett grumbled.

"Doesn't make sense to me", I mumbled. There would have been enough space in Emmett's car for all three of them. Actually, nothing made much sense to me right now. What was with all the travelling back and forth?

I could feel their eyes on me, like they were waiting for me to snap. Good thing Jasper wasn't here. He hated being bombarded with so many strong emotions at once. All this tension in the car, paired with my changing emotions would have been difficult to manage for him. He was better to stay away from me. But still, what were they waiting for?

I had to pick some more thoughts out of Emmett's brain until I was finally able to make the connection. "We're moving back?" I gasped.

"Yep", was his only answer. Well, the only one he said out aloud. _Took you long enough to realize. Have you gone stupid while you've been away? You sure seem a bit slow lately._

"We can't move back. We can't. We just can't", I bubbled.

"Why not? I guess we all agree that Bella needs help. And it's easier to help Bella from there if she's also there right now."

"But I-"

"You're overruled", Emmett growled. _Damn, why don't you get it?_ "It's not your decision this time. And don't even think about jumping out of that car and getting a one-way-ticket to Volterra. Alice is already edgy enough as it is."

"I… I don't get it", I mumbled, clutching my security blanket. "What day is it?"

"Jeeeesh", Emmett whisper-yelled to Alice. "His brain really isn't working right. I think he's traumatized or something. Can Vampires get PTSD?"

Alice just rolled her eyes.

"It's Friday, honey", Esme answered. "You went to Bella's place the day before yesterday. You checked out her appartement and you went to the bar where she used to work. Then you stayed at her place…" she trailed off, stroking the hair out of my face. "We were worried. Alice could see you're not well, but you didn't answer your phone. Bella's neighbour found you in her bed."

"The elderly lady", I mumbled. What was her name again? "I gave her money to feed the cat…" I couldn't remember anything. Had she talked to me? Had the cat been there at some point? Probably not. I must have scared her off. All my thoughts were jumbled. "Her husband is sick."

"Carlisle checked on him before he went back to Ithaca. He's fine. He just needs to stay in bed and take the medicine he needs."

"So", I rubbed my forehead before sitting myself up heavily and leaning my head back against the headrest. "We're moving back." I should have felt immense joy at the prospect of being near Bella again, but all how I felt was defeated and tired.

"Bella is a part of the family and a part of you. A part of your heart, of your soul", Esme said, taking my right hand in both of her hands while turning to me. I snorted about her musings. She sounded like Carlisle right now. They both knew how I thought about me and souls. And I wasn't sure if I had a heart. Either it was as black as the night for being able to do such horrible things, or it wasn't there anymore since my chest felt like a big, empty, throbbing hole.

"It doesn't matter if you believe in your soul or not", Esme continued. "As long as she isn't here, with you, you aren't here, either. If you don't believe in your soul, believe in your heart. Without her, your heart is broken. You're not happy, and you'll never be. You can't ever be happy without her. And-" she stroked my cheek, "we can't be happy, either. I can't be happy if my children are suffering."

Just then, I could see Esme's face in Alice's and Emmett's mind, looking shattering and worn out. And I could read in Esme's mind that she had meant Bella with the term children, too. For her, Bella had already been another daughter.

"I'm sorry", I whispered. "I know it's not enough, but I am. I'm really sorry. But it doesn't matter what I want or if I'm happy. And it's not your job to make me happy. All what matters is that Bella's happy."

"She's not happy without you."

"You don't know that", I argued, facing away from my mother and staring out of the window.

"Well, you can see she's not", Emmett hissed. _Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm sick of your constant arguing. I think your human braincells never made the transition when Carlisle changed you. He must have done something wrong, him biting someone for the first time and all that._

"Just because I did everything wrong, not because she's not with me", I mumbled in annoyance about Emmett.

"I can't believe you are my brother", Emmett groaned. "You repeated High School over twenty times by now. You repeated college several times. You have two medical degrees, for chrissake. But sometimes, you're just so stupid."

"Emmett!" Esme chastised him. "Could you try at least to be more sensitive?" She was edgy and tense, thinking about me disappearing again for months.

"I don't think I have the right to be with her anymore. I had given that up right at the moment I dumped her like trash in the forest next to her house", I whispered. "I lied to her."

"Edward", Alice voice came from the front. "It doesn't matter right now what you did. You're not giving up now. Edward, we're going to fix this. Bella needs us. And you'll help fixing this. You owe this not only to Bella, but also to us."

My eyes focused on the familiar people in the car. Even while only seeing the back of Emmett's head, I knew there would be pain in his eyes. Even if I couldn't see into Esme's eyes, I knew there would be tears if she could cry.

"Alice, I agree that we should fix this mess. But what am I supposed to do? Walk up to her and say _Oh sorry, I didn't mean it like that__? Let's get you some therapy and everything's good?_ And I still don't think we should be near her. It's too dangerous. I did enough damage. She was almost killed twice because of me", I dry sobbed. "Maybe even three times because she got lost in the woods and had to suffer a whole night alone out there. Dear God, she could have been eaten by a bear or a wolf. She could have died of pneumonia. She could have-"

"Stop it, Edward", Esme said, grabbing my hand and tugging with so much force my body slumped back so my head was in her lap again. "What's done is done. Now were going to look forward. You should save your strength. There's much to do."

"I feel so tired. I just want to sleep", I moaned, closing my eyes. I really missed sleep. It seemed like a sweet escape. Something else that was denied me. Maybe that was my punishment. No escape and no distractions for the rest of my existence.

The first months, it had been easier to survive all these endless days. There was a trail to follow, a duty to fulfill. I had run as fast and as hard as I could to catch up with Victoria. The more distance I had put between me and Forks and my sweet Bella, the better. It was safer for her, after all.

What a waste. I had spent more than two years away from my family, tracking Victoria. And for what? I hadn't succeeded, not even partly. I had not only hurt my family, but I had been hundreds of miles away running around uselessly on a wild goose chase while my Bella had needed me. I couldn't even bring back Victoria's head as a hunting trophy as an excuse for staying away. All of it had been for nothing.

Now, all I wanted to do was to sleep. Not thinking anymore. To forget. Maybe that was my punishment – that I could never forget what I did. I pulled my legs up on the seat and up to my chest, clutching the blanket with all I had. I think I could hear some tearing and ripping.

"You're weak, Edward", I could hear Esme say while prying my fingers open. "That's why you're so tired and have difficulty to think as fast as you're used to." She pulled the sheet over my exhausted body and I was engulfed again in Bella's sweet scent. "You haven't fed yourself properly over all these last months you've been away. You only fed once since you came back to us, and it wasn't enough. You're eyes are black as night again. You need to eat. And you're sad. Really, really sad. That makes it so much more difficult." She massaged my scalp in a soothing manner, and I could hear her thinking about depression and Carlisle. "I really wish you could sleep."

"Edward, I love her too", Alice said. Her voice sounded as exhausted as I felt. "We all do. We're not staying by while watching her slowly kill herself."

"She probably hates me", I mumbled to myself. "She surely hates me for putting her through misery all the time and bringing death to her. I can't stop you from going back to Forks, but I shouldn't come with you. I think I should stay in Ithaca."

I heard Emmett swear violently in several languages in his head. Good thing Esme couldn't read minds.

Alice sighed. "Don't decide for her what she has to feel. That's what got us in this mess in the first place. Let her decide for herself if she really hates you."

"Did you see something?" I whispered. My voice felt weak, too. My whole body didn't seem to function properly. Had I been human, I would have thought I was sick. Maybe they were right. I needed to feed. But I didn't feel thirsty at all. I haven't cared in so long about feeding, I didn't care about it now. There was no need to survive if in the end she told me she hated me anyway.

"No, not really. I still have difficulties to see her. It's like she's blending in and out. I guess I have to get attuned to her again", I could hear her shrugging her shoulders. I could also hear her singing the National Anthem of China in her head. I knew she was hiding something. But I was too exhausted to think about it.

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

Suddenly, the car came to an abrupt stop. "Are we there?" I asked, trying to get a glimpse out of the windshield trough Emmett's head, dreading the familiar sight of the rainy, sleepy town.

"Almost", he answered. "First, we have to take care of something." He turned to me, grinning wickedly. "It's dinner time."

"I'm not hungry", I mumbled.

"Yeah, I know. We just need to wake up your taste buds."

I snorted at the images in his head. "What? You want to drop a deer at my feet, hoping I can't resist?"

"Why not? If that's what I have to do to get you to drink? I can always shove it down your throat…" he trailed off. "It's either that or we're going hunting, you and me."

"I hate you", I groaned, pulling Bella's blanket over my head. I wanted to stay in this sweet cavern forever.

"No, you love me", Emmett chuckled. "Because I'm going to save you and Bella. And for that, you will owe me for at least the next 500 years."

**-(-)-(-)-(-)-**

"Tell me the truth", I said, patting my full stomach. I felt sloshy and still tired, but I could already feel the blood in my veins making me stronger. "Did she ever ask about me?"

"We never really… talked about you. It hurts her too much." Emmett patted the earth softly to hide the last proof of the drained animal he had just buried and got up. "Let's go. They're surely already waiting."

I grabbed his wrist. "What are you hiding?" I furrowed my brows, suddenly suspicious. "Did something happen when you picked her up at the hospital?"

**EmPOV**

"I didn't pick her up at the hospital", I said slowly, trying not to show him everything at once.

"She wasn't there?" he spluttered, already hyperventilating. "She has been drinking again? There was a… what?" he shrieked.

I grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to hold him still. _Damn Alice!_ Couldn't she have warned me beforehand? The fact that he had his full strength back made holding him in place much more difficult.

"Well, if you'd let me think in peace, I could show you everything in order. That would make everything much more easier for both of us."

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**Reviews are better than Edward's constant hysteria and angst. **

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**Coming up next: Some Bella meeting other people in town and some Emmett filling in Edward on the latest news.**


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